Archive for the 'God Awful' Category



08
Feb
14

Gymkata (1985)

Gymkata

Date Watched: 10/24/13

Starring: Kurt Thomas

Plot:

Johnathan Cabot is a champion gymnast. In the tiny, yet savage, country of Parmistan, there is a perfect spot for a “star wars” site. For the US to get this site, they must compete in the brutal “Game”. The government calls on Cabot, the son of a former operative, to win the game. Cabot must combine his gymnastics skills of the west with fighting secrets of the east and form GYMKATA! (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Kicks using gymnastics equipment
  • Dismounts
  • Say “Star Wars”
  • Unnecessary gymnastic moves

Quotes:

“No outsider has ever won the game in over 900 years.”

“Just a little Anti-American sentiment… aaarggggh!”

“Its not over yet, so put your hardware back in your pants.”

Viewer Quotes:

“She doesn’t speak… some might say the perfect woman.”

“The Asian woman is taller than him.  That’s not a good sign.”

“His whole life he came up short, no pun intended.”

“Is this the most dangerous game?”

“Gymkata is the currency of nations.”

Things we learned:

Small towns and villages often have gymnastics apparatus as part of their downtown décor to aid in the kicking of bad guys.

Final take:

An 80’s hidden classic.  There is really no reason for this movie to have been made, and it shows!  Bad plotting, bad acting, silly action set pieces – aka the perfect Bad Movie Thursday movie.  I would encourage anyone who comes across this little gem to grab a case of Rainier Ice, sit back, and enjoy.  Extra points if you watch the entire movie with the sound off and “You’re the best” from the Karate Kid playing on repeat in the background.

22
Nov
13

ThanksKilling 3

thankskilling-3-721x1024

Viewing Date: 11/21/2013

Starring: The Turkey Puppet

Plot

We have no idea.  It’s like a horrible fever dream.

Rules

  • Thanksgiving puns / cliches
  • Turkey says “stupid”
  • “Pluck”, “Plucking”
  • “Stuffing”
  • Techno-interludes

Quotes

“Ha, ha, ha.  Nice tits bitch.  In Space!”

“I know these types.  These bitches be in and out of prison their whole life.”

“It’s got a Gravy Train, a Yam Tram, a Maize Maze.  It’s amazing.”

“Its here guys.  My long pike came.”

“Who are these Canadians?”

“Always refrigerate your leftovers on Thanksgiving, so you can wake up on Black Friday to a delicious, cold snack.”

“Not only did the wolves get stuffing.  They got it with a side of WIFE AND CHILD!”

“The early worm gets the bird.”

“I sent that fowl packing with a gravy shot to the eye.”

“Look at that snood!”

“You’ve been sporting a fat moose apple for a while now.”

Viewer Quotes

“Oh my God.  That’s a boob.”

“Was this made by Americans or Eastern Europeans?”  “Eastern European.”

“Does that worm have a combover?  And a mustache???”

“This is just awful.  But it’s Thanksgiving…  It’s Thursday night.”  “Its barely even a movie.”

Things We Learned

  • There was no ThanksKilling 2
  • We weren’t on enough drugs (not sure there are enough in the world) to enjoy this movie
  • You can get people to fund ANYTHING on kickstarter
  • Disgusting grandmother puppets like to slob knobs
  • Robots can shoot vortexes out of their sphincters

Final Take

I’m sure it’s happened countless time throughout history: people stoned out of their minds have come up with  movie ideas that seemed like the most hilarious, fantastic thing ever conceived, but in actuality, it is just a patchwork of complete nonsense.  Most of the time, these ideas are forgotten minutes later- not this time.  The makers of ThanksKilling 3 actually followed through and made this movie.

11
Aug
13

Sharknado

sharknado

Viewing Date: 7/18/2013

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid

Plot

When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature’s deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace (from IMDB.com).

Rules

  • People getting killed by sharks
  • Shark cam (house rule of “creature vision” applies, this is only a reminder)
  • Shark fin
  • Footage of a real shark is used
  • References to Jaws (drink 2)
  • Aussie guy says any stereotypical Aussie stuff (g’day, krikey, etc)

Quotes

“Sharks don’t like vegemite”

“It’s like Old Faithful!”  “We’ll need faith to get through that!!’

“Hey, I fell off a slide when I was two.  Hurt like hell….”

Viewer Quotes

“Hey baby, I’m a Chippendales dancer!”

“He’s all ‘Johnny Manziel’d’.”

“How many sharks does it take to eat a drunk guy?”

“Her (Tara Reid) face looks like a shiny piece of plastic.”

“It’s a sharter spout.”

“Scorpion avalanche!”

What We Learned

  • Sharks can flood houses and eventually make them explode
  • Sharks can travel through drains and sewers- really they can appear out of nowhere.
  • Sharks can climb ropes
  • Movie car rental places stay open during the worst storm in California’s history.  These rental cars have real nitro boosters included!
  • You can survive in a shark’s stomach for an extended amount of time.
  • It takes a propane bomb and a helicopter to kill a sharknado
  • Sharks have the accuracy of a tomahawk missile when airborne and always fly teeth-first.

Final Take

We actually watched a few minutes of Sharknado during the world premier on SyFy, but had no idea that it would become the big deal that it did, so we had to schedule the next Thursday for a viewing.  Did Sharknado live up to all the expectations?  Did it deserve all the press? Yes and no. This movie did truly hit a homerun as far as casting, and overall absurdity. It really had everything that we love here on BMT: washed up actors, horrible dialogue, bad special effects… So what’s not to like. Maybe it’s just me personally, but I can smell a SyFy Channel movie a mile a way, and even though this might be the cream of the crop, it still is a little off-putting. Something about the video quality, pacing, and how the CGI is cut into the scenes with the actors… But somehow it doesn’t completely feel like a real movie for me- more like a tv mini series or a Stargate spinoff.
Once past the SyFy hang-ups, this movie was quite entertaining, and had us laughing and engaged the whole time, so it was a win overall. Most of our enjoyment came from trying to come up with a movie to match the absurdity of Sharknado (how many viewers out there did the same?). We settled on “Scorpion Avalanche”- maybe “Scorp-valanche”. We had it casted, the plot set and how the climax was going to play out. I don’t know if any of us remember the details, but still no stealing this idea.

05
Feb
13

The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

the crow: wicked prayer

Date watched:  1/31/2013

Starring:  Tara Reid, Dennis Hopper, David Boreanaz, Edward Furlong, Tito Ortiz, Danny Trejo, Macy Gray

Where found:  Netflix Instant Queue

Plot:  Wicked Prayer follows Luc Crash, the charismatic gang leader of a ragtag band of Satanist bikers named after the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. Luc murders Jimmy Cuervo (Furlong) and his girlfriend Lily as part of a ritual to become an immortal demon, but Luc finds that Jimmy has been transformed into the avenging spirit known at The Crow, intent on stopping Luc before he can become the Lord of the Flies.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

Crows or say “Crow”

Cars with pictures or names on them

Stupid title shots

Say “Raven”

Scorpions

Flashbacks

Dennis Hopper says “shorty” or “homey”

Quotes:                    

“Blue eyed injun and a cold hearted killer.  Just what the Dr. ordered.”

“Jimmy you’re beakin’ my heart, and hearts are made to be broken”.  (He then cuts out the guy’s heart.)

“That’s the freeza my momma used to lock me up in.”

“Pestilence go down to the bar and score us some more peyote.”

“Killing is easy, forgetting is hard.”

“It’s El Niño, get it right cracker jack.”

“Kiss it bitch.”

“How is it you’re a virgin?”  Answer:  “I guess I’m just old fashioned.”

“Kiss the bride mother fucker.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Whoa, he just spun kicked the toxic chemicals.”

“Sweet ride, it’s like the General Lee but way shittier.”

“Is Edward Furlong supposed to be the good guy?  Because I hate him.”

“Was that a flash forward or a flash back?”

“So far, so terrible.”

Things we learned:

You need to dance around the crow to wake it up.

According to the filmmakers Mexicans and Native Americans look exactly the same.

Anyone can direct a movie.

Edward Furlong is the biggest loser in the town, but he can bag the hottest girl.

You can sell scorpions for $1 a piece at the local town store.

Tara Reid is a terrible actress.  (Ok, ok.  We didn’t really just learn that.)

Final Take: 

I had no clue what was happening in this movie, and it really didn’t matter.  This movie did not take itself seriously, and I didn’t either.  I didn’t buy any of the performances.  Tara Reid and David Boreanaz can’t play villains any better than Edward Furlong can play a hero.  I found myself rooting against Eddie.  Sorry dude, you may still look 15, but this isn’t T2 and it’s not 1991.  (I will say that I loved Dennis Hopper.  His 15 minutes of screen time are far and away the best of the movie.  I wish this was a film just about him.)

The original Crow was good, but the sequels not so much.  I saw that they might be developing a Crow remake.  Oh joy.  I guess as long as there are crows flying around in the sky, shitty movies will continue to be resurrected from the dead.

17
Jan
13

The Wicker Man

wickerman

Viewing Date: 1/10/2013

Starring: Nic Cage

Plot:

Nic Cage stars as a detective / highway patrolman who receives a letter from his ex-fiancée asking for help in locating her missing daughter on some island in the Puget Sound.  Nic heads straight there to unravel the mystery, and discovers that he is dealing with a Matriarchal, bee-loving cult that performs human sacrifices.

Rules:

  • Nic Cage in a costume
  • Bees (real, CGI or a picture of a bee)
  • Nic Cage’s mind plays tricks on him
  • Someone or something gets hit by a truck
  • Say “Willow”
  • Say “Summer’s Isle”
  • Nic Cage punches or kicks someone
  • Nic Cage acts crazy (advanced rule, since this could describe him the entire movie)

Quotes:

“What do you have in the bag?  A shark?”

“Was Rowan depressed?  Have you seen what she’s drawn under her desk?  Its pretty disturbing.”

“Take your stupid mask.”

“Step away from the bike!”

Viewer Quotes:

“Why do they all have blue eyes?”  “Because…  The Wicker Man.”

“Do they have electricity?”  “I don’t think so.  They’re pretty Amish.”

“Freeway Patrol.”

“I think you dodged a bullet here, Nicolas Cage.”

What We Learned:

There are cults living on islands in the Puget Sound, and they are out of the reach of all law and government.

There are underwater pools under graveyards.

Everyone was in on it!  Shocking!

Final Take:

What a disappointment.  For a movie that ranks as one of the worst of all time, it was indeed that terrible, but not in a good way.  More in a more-plot-holes-than-you-can-count, nonsensical way (don’t try to make sense of the “twist” ending unless you want to give yourself a headache).  On the plus side, Nic Cage acts like a complete maniac the entire movie, has some absurd dialogue and really goes off the deep end at the finish (“Oh no!  Not the Bees!”).  For a movie that is supposed to be creepy, it wasn’t, other than the stereotypical creepy blonde kids- and had nothing in the way of scares either.   The movie benefited from some decent drinking rules, but we often lost interest in what was actually happening until the last 15 minutes or so, when things got extremely ridiculous.  Our advice, avoid The Wicker Man, but if you happen to catch the end of the movie, it is worth watching just for some of the craziest Nic Cage ever captured on film.

18
Nov
12

Dracula 3000

Date Watched:

11/15/12

Plot:

In the year 3000, the deep space salvage ship Mother III locates the vanished starship Demeter in the Carpathian System. Captain Abraham Van Helsing and his crew composed of the blonde assistant Aurora Ash; the crippled navigator Arthur “The Professor” Holmwood, who believes that he is a genius; the strong and dumb Humvee; the intern Mina Murry; and the drug addicted 187, decide to claim the possession of Demeter. While exploring the spacecraft, they see a tape of fifty years ago of Captain Varna telling that he was locked in his cabin since his crew was acting weird after getting a cargo of coffins in Transylvania station. When 187 decides to search in the coffins for some possible hidden dope, he cuts his hand and his blood awakes Count Orlock, a.k.a. Count Dracula. When Aurora discloses who Dracula is, the survivors try to find a way to destroy the vampire. (From IMDB)

Year:

2004

Starring:

Casper Van Diem

Erika Eleniak

Coolio

Tiny Lister

Rules:

Every time Dr.’s video log comes on.

Coolio says dude.

Every time someone runs down a hallway.

They say Orlock.

Quotes:

“She’s still the same little shameless ho she’s always been.”

“Hang 10 Dude!”

“Oh, a metal plus sign, this dude was into mathematics.  (About a cross.)”

“Your ass has never been hungry, and we aint gonna pass up this amount of cheese.”

“Sands aint worth nuthin!”

“Did I ever tell you how many times I’ve seen you and want to ejaculate all over your bazangas?”

Viewer Quotes:

“You know it’s a crappy movie when it’s an hour and 20 minute movie and it has a 5 minute intro.”

“Is this supposed to be a spaceship, because it’s obviously an oil refinery.”

“What’s the scientific explanation for sand becoming a vampire?”

“This guy’s had his platonic friend activator going his whole life.”

Not movie related discussion after the movie:  “Isn’t David Bowie’s alter ego Captain Glitter-Face?” Response:  “You mean Ziggy Star Dust?”

Things we learned:

Scuba gear doubles as a space suit.

Surfing is big in space – at least by a stoned Coolio.

Dope wasn’t legalized until the year 2950.

Normal bullets being shot in the future sound like lazers.

In the future they tell time using moon cycles.

We are now going to call silent farts “Orlocks”.

Robots are programmed to look like aging starlets.

The best things to use to kill vampires are pool cues.

16
Aug
12

Cool As Ice

Viewing Date: Aug 9, 2012

Starring: Vanilla Ice, Michael Gross

Summary: The old teen rebel saga is updated for the rap crowd, unfortunately rapper Vanilla Ice is the teen. Ice shows up on a neon-yellow motorcycle which gets everyone’s attention, including the female honor student who has never had a rebellious bone in her body.

Rules:

“Yep yep.”

Vanilla Ice doing motorcycle tricks.

Any spontaneous rapping or dancing.

Any time Vanilla Ice changes his hair or hat.

White people being shocked / disgusted.

“ice”

Quotes:

“Yo.  Peep that out.”

“You know.  The chick that drives the hooise.”

“I’m a big boy.  I’m also a thirsty one.”

Viewer Quotes:

“I wonder if Vanilla Ice falls asleep to this movie every night with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand…”

“Where are they?  Pee Wee’s playhouse?”

What We Learned:

You walk down the middle of the street in small towns.

Be kool, stay in skool.




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