Archive for December, 2020

18
Dec
20

Deathstalker (1983)

Deathstalker (1983) - Rotten Tomatoes

Viewing Date: Nov 19, 2020

Starring: Rick Hill, Barbi Benton, Richard Brooker, Lana Clarkson, Victor Bo

Plot

The warrior Deathstalker is tasked by an old witch to obtain and unite the three powers of creation – a chalice, an amulet, and a sword – lest the evil magician Munkar get them and use them for nefarious purposes. After obtaining the sword, Deathstalker joins with other travelers going to the Big Tournament to determine the strongest warrior. The false king holds the true princess in captivity, and plots to have Deathstalker killed, and Deathstalker must fight to free the princess. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • “Monkar”
  • “Deathstalker”
  • Deathstalker’s sword lights up
  • Little people
  • Random T&A
  • Beheadings
  • (advanced) Anything misogynistic

Quotes

  • “Join three things separate to be the power.”
  • “I steal and kill to stay alive, not for the luxury of glory.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Is that Chepko, jumping right into the mud?”
  • “The bad scene was actually just the cast afterparty with too much booze & coke.”
  • “He’s going to violate this guy when he’s a woman!”

What We Learned

  • Just saying what you want to happen works as magic words
  • Heroes and Fools are the same thing
  • Deathstalker’s primary motivation is rape
  • (men fighting) is a sound for the closed caption / hearing impaired audience

Final Take

This was a throwback to the days of cheesy 80’s barbarian films where a band of misfits has to go on a quest to overthrow the requisite evil sorcerer, complete with terrible effects and fight sequences. Also a throwback to the days when they could get away with an over-the-top sexism. Examples include the barbarian party featuring naked mud wrestling and thee heroic female warrior only wearing a loosely fitting robe (basically topless the entire movie). I suppose his name is ‘Deathstalker’ but he isn’t a very “heroic” hero…. But it was the perfect recipe for Bad Movie Thursday– just so much absurdity. Did I mention the evil “Munkar” (I should have named my dog that), has a worm puppet monster as a pet and feeds it eyeballs? How about the evil henchman who was transformed into a woman in order to assassinate Deathstalker only to be (nearly) violated by him? This was a fun movie that kept us laughing and has us looking forward to the sequels.

17
Dec
20

Mrs. Claus (2018)

Date watched: 12/17/20

Starring: Some 40 years as college students, an exotic dancer, and maybe some 20 year olds

Plot: A group of college students attending a Christmas party at a sorority house that has a sinister past are stalked by a bloodthirsty killer disguised as Mrs. Claus. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anything Greek related
  • Deaths
  • Christmas clichés

Quotes:

  • “You won’t be going home for Christmas.”
  • “I pray that this Christmas fills you with anguish.”
  • “Ho, ho, ho… hoes.”
  • “Are you really going to light up with officer snoopy tits snooping around?”
  • “How much lube do you put on your pussy bro?”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Is this the best they could do for sorority girls?”
  • “This frat party actually looks like my office party.”

Things we learned:

Dildos are not the best Christmas gifts for sorority girls.

Final Take:

In terms of the movie name and our expectations, we were catfished and regifted this hunk of coal. It really had nothing to do with Mrs. Claus, and the mask could have been anything. There were a few decent kill shots for the size of the budget.

04
Dec
20

Savage Beach

Date Watched: 12/3/2020

Starring: Dona Speir, Hope Marie Carlton

Plot: DEA agents flying cargo as part of their cover make an emergency landing on a remote island in the pacific, where several unscrupulous parties are looking for a WWII gold treasure.

Rules

  • Sexual innuendo
  • Shirtless People (advanced rule)
  • Smooth Jazz

Quotes

  • “…and enough money to live in style for the next 100 years.”
  • “Don’t spend it all in one piece… Ha Ha Ha Ha Haaaaa!”
  • “My ideology means far more to me than fame or fortune.”
  • After killing a rooster – “There goes our alarm clock, eh?”
  • “Even Mother Theresa has her dark side.”
  • “Who else knows you’re here?” – “My whole sorority, and they’re going to be real pissed if I’m not back by Hell Week.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “It’s just your standard fruit and budweiser basket.”
  • “Is this a sophisticated piece of technology?” – “It’s a sophisticated piece of plastic that beeps.”
  • “You know they’re not going to be able to resist saying the name of the movie at some point.”
  • “Who is this blonde guy? Didn’t he put that pushpin in that guy’s neck? Who does he work for? What was the point of replacing him?”
  • “That’s a good ‘I’ve just been stabbed’ face. His eyes went all crossed and everything.”

Things We Learned

  • They smuggled china white in pineapples back in the 80’s in Hawaii.
  • Bras are only worn as a shirt in Hawaii, never underneath other clothes.

Final Take: A campy film with boobs, budweisers, bullets, babes, and bad acting. If you’ve seen one Andy Sidaris, you’ve pretty much seen them all. They all have the same actors playing basically the same parts, so you should know what you’re getting yourself into. It was entertaining, and the boobs were plentiful, and also very 80’s looking. You’ll have a good time.




December 2020
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