Archive for January, 2013

29
Jan
13

Fortress 2: Re-Entry (2000)

Fortress 2

Date Watched:  1/17/2013

Starring:  Christopher Lambert & Pam Grier

Plot: 

7 years after the original Fortress movie, Brennick and his family are still on the run from the Men-tel corporation. A group of rebels attempt to gain his support but he refuses, wanting to focus on his family. A raid follows and Brennick along with the rebels are captured and sent to a new, more sophisticated fortress prison in outer space. But Brennick’s not a man to give in easily, and with a 10 year old son waiting for him back on earth, he’s going to pack some serious assault on the evil corporation.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

Stupid accents.

Saying or doing implantations.

Scanning bar codes.

Mannish woman acting like a man.

Say Fortress.

Say or show Men-tel.

Quotes:

“So, we killed anybody since I left?”

“Nobody likes a smart guy Brennick.”  Response:  “You must be very popular then.”

“Put him in the hole.”

“Those Russians will cut out your heart just to see the look on your face.”

“Girl, I could build a radio station out of a milk carton and two condom wrappers.”

“I wouldn’t mind getting a piece of that myself.”

Viewer Quotes:

“He almost shot his kid in the head with a shotgun.”

“Is this movie called Fortress 2 Colon Re-Entry?”

About a woman: “Who’s that dude.”

“Let’s drink for the mannish woman dying.”

“I hate his accent.”

“Where do they get puddles of water in space?”

“They’re tapping into a cockroaches nervous system?”

“They sure do take a lot of showers in space.”

“What are all of those cuts on his face, are there cats flying by him?”

What we learned:

It’s really easy to escape from a prison space station.  You just need a giant empty crate that they happen to be loading and a stick of gum.  You stick the gum on the crate (not sure why exactly), jump in, and voila, you escape!

If that plan backfires, you just need to find a cockroach, attach a video camera to his back, and tap into his nervous system.  He’ll do the rest and navigate directly where you’d want him to go for your escape plan.

In space, people are very open to coed community showers as evidenced here and in Starship Troopers.  I wonder at what point in the future this becomes a reality.

The way to win over Russian prisoners who originally wanted to kill you is to play chess with them.  They use the chess pieces to exchange secret messages.  Show them that you’re onto their code, and they will instantly become your allies.

Final Take:

This is a completely passable B movie.  It requires no thinking and little engagement on your part.  (Christopher Lambert must have been thinking the same thing as he was acting out his lines.)  You will watch this movie and not remember a thing about it the next day, but know that you had a decent time watching it.  I’m somewhat interested in watching the original Fortress since we watched the sequel, but I would make absolutely no attempt to actually seek it out.  (For example, if I was reasonably intoxicated and unable to move and it came on TV, I wouldn’t intentionally make myself pass out to keep from watching it.)

On IMDB there is a quote from someone saying that they are a “massive Lambert fan”, and they were let down by the film.  I’m guessing the average person will look at Lambert’s past body of work and a movie subtitled “Re-Entry” and not have quite the same expectations.  For those looking for a crappy movie to share some drinks and some laughs over, this won’t let you down.

26
Jan
13

The Island (1980)

220px-TheIsland1980

Viewing Date: 1/24/2013

Starring: Michael Caine, David Warner

Plot: Based on a novel by Peter Benchley (Jaws), the movie follows Blair Maynard (Michael Caine), a magazine journalist who travels with his son to an area of the Caribbean to investigate the mysterious disappearances of sailboats, yachts and other ships.  What he finds is a colony of pirates that have been living on a small island for 300 years.  The pirates capture the journalist and his son and due to bizarre traditions, they need to brainwash the son to become their future leader, which they do successfully in two days.  Maynard is spared from death because the pirates think he has noble blood and held captive so he can mate with the only female in the band of pirates (?).

Rules:

  • Someone says “Pirates” or any synonym for pirates (buccaneers, etc)
  • Flaming headwear
  • Someone says “Outrageous”
  • Someone says “Two Barb”
  • Nonsensical moments (advanced rule because there are a lot of them)
  • Music that is not appropriate for what is happening

Quotes:

“I got a job for you…”

(after the airplane pilot puts a hat on the 12 year old boy) “Tower gotta believe we got two pilots- it’s the law.  I tried to put it on the pig once.  The bitch bit me!”

“It’s like Lex Luthor’s place.  You know- the brainy guy who is always out to get Superman.”

“He die.  She whore.  Who pay to thrust with her?”

“You no talk.  You thrust.”

“Molasses!  You son of a bitch Manuel!!!”

“You be the trickster my son.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Thank you for larding me.”

“They all talk like cavemen.”

“Pumpin’…  And Blowin’!” (reference to ‘The Pirate Movie’ another bad movie Thursday gem)

“Do you think these people were coked out of their minds filming this movie?”

What We Learned:

  • The Caribbean is the asshole of the Western World.
  • Planes explode if they don’t use their landing gear.
  • Pirates don’t spend much time at sea.
  • If you kill a pirate, his widow is a whore if she kills her husband’s murderer.  If she doesn’t, he must thrust with her.
  • Lard is sexy and great lube.
  • You can be brainwashed in 2 days if matchsticks and water are involved.
  • A handful of old-timey pirates can easily overtake a fully manned Coast Guard vessel.
  • Giant stinging jelly fish guard pirate islands.
  • No eat, no thrust.

Final Take:

This was a bizarre movie and apparently it was an enormous box office failure when it came out and ruined several careers- so bonus points awarded for that.  The best part of this movie is virtually nothing that occurs is plausible or makes any sense whatsoever.  Boats (and people) are vanishing at a rate of once every three days and the Coast Guard / local governments / any one else is concerned enough to do a more thorough investigation?  No one has ever witnessed the pirates and been able to evade them or survive in the 300 years they’ve been doing this?  These few points are just the tip of the iceberg.  How the characters interact with each other, the brainwashing and every other aspect of this movie are ridiculous and not believable.  Had the pirates actually been zombies or ghosts that would have helped to suspend the disbelief, but this movie takes the premise completely seriously.  But again, that’s what makes this movie fun, so overall, this was an entertaining film.

17
Jan
13

The Wicker Man

wickerman

Viewing Date: 1/10/2013

Starring: Nic Cage

Plot:

Nic Cage stars as a detective / highway patrolman who receives a letter from his ex-fiancée asking for help in locating her missing daughter on some island in the Puget Sound.  Nic heads straight there to unravel the mystery, and discovers that he is dealing with a Matriarchal, bee-loving cult that performs human sacrifices.

Rules:

  • Nic Cage in a costume
  • Bees (real, CGI or a picture of a bee)
  • Nic Cage’s mind plays tricks on him
  • Someone or something gets hit by a truck
  • Say “Willow”
  • Say “Summer’s Isle”
  • Nic Cage punches or kicks someone
  • Nic Cage acts crazy (advanced rule, since this could describe him the entire movie)

Quotes:

“What do you have in the bag?  A shark?”

“Was Rowan depressed?  Have you seen what she’s drawn under her desk?  Its pretty disturbing.”

“Take your stupid mask.”

“Step away from the bike!”

Viewer Quotes:

“Why do they all have blue eyes?”  “Because…  The Wicker Man.”

“Do they have electricity?”  “I don’t think so.  They’re pretty Amish.”

“Freeway Patrol.”

“I think you dodged a bullet here, Nicolas Cage.”

What We Learned:

There are cults living on islands in the Puget Sound, and they are out of the reach of all law and government.

There are underwater pools under graveyards.

Everyone was in on it!  Shocking!

Final Take:

What a disappointment.  For a movie that ranks as one of the worst of all time, it was indeed that terrible, but not in a good way.  More in a more-plot-holes-than-you-can-count, nonsensical way (don’t try to make sense of the “twist” ending unless you want to give yourself a headache).  On the plus side, Nic Cage acts like a complete maniac the entire movie, has some absurd dialogue and really goes off the deep end at the finish (“Oh no!  Not the Bees!”).  For a movie that is supposed to be creepy, it wasn’t, other than the stereotypical creepy blonde kids- and had nothing in the way of scares either.   The movie benefited from some decent drinking rules, but we often lost interest in what was actually happening until the last 15 minutes or so, when things got extremely ridiculous.  Our advice, avoid The Wicker Man, but if you happen to catch the end of the movie, it is worth watching just for some of the craziest Nic Cage ever captured on film.

04
Jan
13

Iron Sky

IronSky

Starring Finnish Germans

Date Watched 1/3/2o13 (we survived!)

Plot

Nazis secretly made their way to the moon, where they have been hiding out, biding their time.

Rules

  • Nazi cliches.
  • Nazis’ racist statements.
  • Palin’s stupid remarks.
  • “Furhrer”
  • “Fourth Reich”
  • “Adler”

Quotes

  • “Hey, Sauerkraut.  I like Sauerkraut!  And Volkswagen.  Fahrfegnugen!”
  • “I received confirmation from the department of racial purity…Science demands us to unite physically.”
  • “Either I’m black or you’re blind.”
  • “Do I look alright to you Ms Crazy Fucking nazi?”
  • “So, you are a formerly dead black model, who is now suddenly a living white hobo, after spending a weekend on the moon.  Is that correct?”
  • “Listen. Do you think if I asphyxiate the president, will the troops then align with us?”
  • “Get your hooks off me you kristallnacht piece of shit!”
  • “He fell for the old one last blowjob offer!  God, nazis are stupid.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Most of the quotable quotes are racist or in very poor taste.  Is it still ok to record them?”
  • “I think by the end of the movie they’re going to make us think of the nazis as the good guys somehow.”
  • “I have to tell the wife she missed three ‘fuhrers’ and a nazi racist quote.”
  • “Oh look, they have space zeppelins!”
  • “Sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.”
  • “Why doesn’t she just turn it?  She’s at the wheel!”

What We Learned

  • The germans reinvented USB while isolated on the moon, and happen to call it the same thing.
  • Medicine called Albiniser transforms black into white.
  • Nazis are doctors for the sick, vitamins for the anemic, and products of loving mothers and brave fathers.
  • Palin’s message comes from moon nazis.  Remember this, world!  Palin = Hitler!
  • To sneak past nazis, start up their battle hymn.
  • De-albiniser transforms white into black.

Final Take

Pretty high production values for a BMT movie, but still pretty campy. Not too shabby.  It was enjoyable, but difficult to come up with good rules.  I’d definitely recommend it but you should know that you’ll be getting a lot of anti-american political satire.  If you can get past that you’ll find a pretty decent b+ grade movie.