Archive for November, 2012

30
Nov
12

The FP

Date Watched: 11/29/2012

Starring: JTRO, BTRO, and KCDC

Plot 

In a post apocalyptic future, two rival gangs fight for control of Frazier Park by playing “Beat Beat Revelation”, a deadly version of Dance, Dance, Revolution(TM).

Rules

  • Stupid Hats/Bandannas (One per occurrence per new scene)
  • “J TRO” or “B TRO”
  • “The FP”
  • Reference to area codes
  • Ducks
  • Advanced rule – waterfall through all montages

Quotes

  • “4 score and a couple years ago.”
  • “I’m going to 187 this bitch, bro!”
  • “You fuckin’ cracker ass cracka!” <one white guy to another>
  • “I hope you’re ready for this, Cranberry Juice, because you’re about to get fucked, bitch!”
  • “What’s a town with no ducks, J Tro?  How’s a nigga supposed to sort his shit out with no ducks?!”
  • “We had each other’s backs, back to back!”
  • “You got to dance with your mind, not your legs.”
  • “I’m going to throw you down some stairs, you toe-eyed dung dung.”
  • “A gentleman never fucks a bitch in the ass and tells.”  “It was only for a minute.”
  • “You got one final lesson up in this mother fucker, J Tro.  You gots to know the true meaning of the Beat Beat nigga.  It ain’t about color, dog.  Any nigga can be a nigga.  N – I – G – G – A.  Never Ignorant in Getting Goals Accomplished. Now you use that shit, J Tro.  You be all the nigga you can be.”  <Climactic monologue>
  • “Shit, man!  Click it or ticket.”
  • “How you doing all this shit?”  “Because, I’m never ignorant in getting goals accomplished.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Is this stuff for real?  Are they being serious?”
  • “That guy’s wearing a racoon hat!”
  • “That other guy’s wearing a skeleton mask!”
  • “Did he just roar like a lion?”
  • “He died doing what he loves…”
  • “He’s watching a film upside-down.”
  • “Just hanging out in a kiddie pool.”
  • “Asian gets a slingshot!”
  • “I think this whole movie may have been about drunks feeding ducks in the end.”

What We Learned

  • The post apocalyptic future looks a lot like normal rural America.
  • Drunks feeding ducks are a stabilizing factor in modern society.
  • A good day ends with a BJ while watching ducks.
  • Dance Dance Revolution can be deadly.
  • The true meaning of nigga.
  • Eye patches do not negatively affect depth perception.
  • Giant moon boots increase your capability to dance.

Final Take

This was a pretty damn good thursday movie.  It was post-apocalyptic, had decent production values, and ended with a BJ.  The house rule for 4-letter swears would be an advanced rule all by itself.  The word “fuck” was used over 250 times.  This is up there as one of the better Thursday movies we’ve watched in a while.  Watch it and don’t expect it to be serious and you’ll end up having a great time.

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29
Nov
12

Mr. Nanny

Date Watched:

9/20/12

Plot:

A former pro-wrestler is hired to be the bodyguard/nanny for a couple of bratty kids whose inventor father is being stalked by a rival. (From IMDB)

Year:

1993

Starring:

Hulk Hogan

Sherman Helmsley

Buster Poindexter

Rules:

Shirt ripping.

Flexing.

Wrestling moves.

Kids outsmarting Hulk Hogan.

Booby traps.

Canadian Tuxedos (aka wearing a jean jacket and jeans).

Every time they play the song “Dream Dad”.

Quotes:

“I’m not a bodyguard, I’m a wrestler.”

“This is like the roach motel, the nannies check in but they don’t check out.”

“Oops!  Trip wire… and flour.”

“Business before pleasure.” – said as the bad guys cart Hulk Hogan’s unconscious body in a tutu away.  Viewer Quote in response, “Does that mean they’re going to rape him?”

“There is no chip in there dork brain.”

Viewer Quotes:

For some reason we didn’t record any.  I do remember talking about the God-Awful soundtrack.  Buster Poindexter has a song on it still burned into my brain called “Tough Stuff”.  Paired with “Dream Dad” the soundtrack is a must own.

Things we learned:

Buster Poindexter kicks Hulk Hogan’s ass.

Hulk Hogan knows the dictionary definition of a microchip.

A wallet can electrocute people.

18
Nov
12

Dracula 3000

Date Watched:

11/15/12

Plot:

In the year 3000, the deep space salvage ship Mother III locates the vanished starship Demeter in the Carpathian System. Captain Abraham Van Helsing and his crew composed of the blonde assistant Aurora Ash; the crippled navigator Arthur “The Professor” Holmwood, who believes that he is a genius; the strong and dumb Humvee; the intern Mina Murry; and the drug addicted 187, decide to claim the possession of Demeter. While exploring the spacecraft, they see a tape of fifty years ago of Captain Varna telling that he was locked in his cabin since his crew was acting weird after getting a cargo of coffins in Transylvania station. When 187 decides to search in the coffins for some possible hidden dope, he cuts his hand and his blood awakes Count Orlock, a.k.a. Count Dracula. When Aurora discloses who Dracula is, the survivors try to find a way to destroy the vampire. (From IMDB)

Year:

2004

Starring:

Casper Van Diem

Erika Eleniak

Coolio

Tiny Lister

Rules:

Every time Dr.’s video log comes on.

Coolio says dude.

Every time someone runs down a hallway.

They say Orlock.

Quotes:

“She’s still the same little shameless ho she’s always been.”

“Hang 10 Dude!”

“Oh, a metal plus sign, this dude was into mathematics.  (About a cross.)”

“Your ass has never been hungry, and we aint gonna pass up this amount of cheese.”

“Sands aint worth nuthin!”

“Did I ever tell you how many times I’ve seen you and want to ejaculate all over your bazangas?”

Viewer Quotes:

“You know it’s a crappy movie when it’s an hour and 20 minute movie and it has a 5 minute intro.”

“Is this supposed to be a spaceship, because it’s obviously an oil refinery.”

“What’s the scientific explanation for sand becoming a vampire?”

“This guy’s had his platonic friend activator going his whole life.”

Not movie related discussion after the movie:  “Isn’t David Bowie’s alter ego Captain Glitter-Face?” Response:  “You mean Ziggy Star Dust?”

Things we learned:

Scuba gear doubles as a space suit.

Surfing is big in space – at least by a stoned Coolio.

Dope wasn’t legalized until the year 2950.

Normal bullets being shot in the future sound like lazers.

In the future they tell time using moon cycles.

We are now going to call silent farts “Orlocks”.

Robots are programmed to look like aging starlets.

The best things to use to kill vampires are pool cues.

18
Nov
12

The Dead Undead (Vampires vs Zombies)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Plot:

A group of peaceful Vampires are infected and turned into crazed zombie like creatures whose only motivation is to feed on flesh, whether Human or Vampire. A group of Vamprie commandos tries to keep their identity secret, while trying to stop the spread of the infection. Soldiers from across the ages, it’s up to these vampires to end the zombie infection. Caught in the middle is a group of human kids on a camping trip, who team up with the Vampires in an attempt to survive. (from IMDB)

Year:

2010

Starring:

Some guy who looks like Corben Bernsen.

Rules:

Zombie flies back from being shot

Zombie hit by car

Hiding a Zombie/Vampire bite

Vampire getting burned by sunlight

Slow motion shooting guns

They say ZV

Quotes:

“Any luck Mr. Bad Wrench?”

“This is why I don’t stay at these scummy scum bag motels.”

“This isn’t a video game kids.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Worthless shower scene.”

“This Shelly is just like the real Shelly.  She drinks until she passes out.”

“Do you think one of these guys is named Chavez?”

“Worst death ever.”

Things we learned from this movie:

After you shoot a shotgun you should throw it away as it can’t be used anymore.

Garden gnomes explode when you shoot them.

You can be both a zombie and a vampire.  (AZV)

Flashbacks to ancient Roman times, Vietnam, or the Old West can literally happen any time w/o reason.

10
Nov
12

Bail Out

 

Starring: The Hoff (nuff said)

Plot

A trio of hapless bounty hunters are recruited by a shady bail bondsman to try to keep a witness in drug trial alive to testify.

Rules

  • Stereotypes
  • Hasselhoff wears a headband, leather jacket, or leather pants
  • Hasselhoff swears (x3), anyone else swears (x1)
  • Editing mistakes (keep on your toes!)
  • Every time someone says “white bread.”
  • Hoff sings

Quotes

  • “These guys drive worse than orientals.”
  • “Another shit from the Hoff.”
  • “There’s a time for shootin’ and a time for talkin’.”
  • “Flat like a fucking tortilla!”
  • “Ann Job?  You mean Hand Job?”

The Final Word

This is an action movie starring the Hoff, so there’s not much of a reason you shouldn’t watch it.  I’m pretty sure there’s singing, although it’s hard to remember because this is another backfill from a few years back.  I don’t remember much of it, although I think I could stomach watching it again.  It’s got to be good.

10
Nov
12

Cop And A Half

 

Starring: Burt Reynolds and some kid who never made another movie.

Plot

Devon Butler is an eight-year old who dreams of being a cop. He watches police TV shows, knows police procedures, and plays cops and robbers with his friend Ray. One day, while snooping around in a warehouse, he witnesses a murder. He goes to the police, who want the information, but won’t get it until they make Devon a cop. The police then team him with veteran cop (and child hater) Nick McKenna, and the two team up in comic series of events to find the killer.

Rules

  • Someone gets hit in the groin
  • Wipe transition between scenes
  • Bullies
  • “Quid Pro Quo”
  • See or hear cop
  • “Getting too old for this.”
  • Twinky-cam

Quotes

  • “He’s been dunking for turds.”
  • “Can’t have any fun with a kid.  You take him to a bar, he has one drink and falls off the stool.”
  • “Do you want to play swords?”

The Final Word

Another backfill.  I barely remember anything from this movie.  It was definitely not one of the BMT classics.  Probably the most notable thing about it is that the kid basically never made another movie, so chalk that up to Burt Reynolds ruining another person’s movie career.  Way to go Burt.  I think you can get everything you need to know from the movie poster.  Burt Reynolds and a child actor team up, unwatchable shenanigans ensue.

10
Nov
12

The Pirate Movie

Starring: Kristy McNichol, Christopher Atkins, some pirates.

Plot:

A parody/homage to Gilbert and Sullivan’s Pirates of Penzance, The Pirate Movie is a comedy/musical utilizing both new songs and parodies from the original, as well as references to popular films of the time, including Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark. In your typical boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy fights girl with swords plot, the story revolves around Mabel, the youngest of Maj. Gen. Stanley’s many daughters, and Frederic, an ex-Pirate of Penzance. They fall in love and proceed to retrieve the Stanley’s fortune from the Pirates (stolen 20 years ago). The Pirate King informs Frederic that due to him being born on Feb. 29th (during a leap year), Frederic is still technically the King’s apprentice. Frederic must then decide between duty and honor, the only good qualities the King taught him, and true love.

Rules:

  • Sword fights
  • Songs
  • Fast Motion

Quotes:

  • “I told you chinese, but this is ridiculous!”
  • “Mabel, your goosebumps have grown!” <boobs>
  • <singing> “Pumpin’, and blowin'”

The Final Word

This is another backfill of a movie we watched a few years back.  It’s a spoof of comedy/musical The Pirates of Penzance.  I saw that play and thought it was pretty bad, so now imagine a parody of a bad musical and you’ll start to understand what you’re in for.  We only came up with three rules for it, which is an indication of how engaging it was.  Pretty boring, and pretty hard to get through.  Enjoy.