Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 1/7/21

Starring: (Does it really matter?) Marcia Karr, David Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior

Plot: Two years ago, a young woman named Valerie was burned after entering a tanning salon. Now, her twin sister, Rhonda, runs a local gym where, all of a sudden, people are being murdered. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Tanning bed (spoiler, this doesn’t really pay off)
• 80’s product placement
• Creepy guys hitting on the women
• Ominous music
• Overtly sexual aerobics moves

Quotes

• “♪♪ Animal Workout ♪♪!”
• “Tell that college boy that if he doesn’t have that report ready in 30 minutes, I’m going to go over there and do an autopsy on his face!”

Viewer Quotes

• “Was that batteries and condoms in her purse?”
• With that hair I’m glad she’s dead.”

What We Learned

• Safety pins are deadly weapons
• Leaving a jock strap in a locker was a great come-on move in the 80’s
• Multiple homicides will not close down a gym
• Jean shorts and a singlet are a good clothing choice when breaking and entering
• One cop is enough to cover / solve an ongoing murder spree

Final Take

Wow. Where to begin with this one? So the premise of this movie is that an aspiring model (Valerie) was badly burned in a tanning bed accident, but then faked her death and posed as her twin sister (Rhonda) while operating a gym / aerobics studio. In between gratuitous workout montages, gym members are murdered in creative ways, most often with a giant safety pin. Meanwhile, the police and authorities don’t seem to care enough to try to solve the mystery, or shut down the crime scenes (workouts begin immediately). The big reveal at the end, is that Rhonda is the murderer, who wants to kill attractive people because she is now bald and scarred from the accident. Somehow she gets away with it since the guy who was in love with her takes the blame (and then she kills him). The cop who knows she was the killer attempts to kill her, but due to incompetency, ends up getting killed, and Rhonda is back in business (and planning to start killing again).

This was a lot of fun- lots of gratuitous nudity, and complete absurdity with how the community treats serial killings. Why did she need to fake her death and pose as a twin in the first place? Was there no actual record of the death? Is it that easy to create a fake identity? But more importantly, how is it a successful business model to run a gym and murder your members? If it isn’t enough to kill your source of income, I think eventually the reputation of potentially getting murdered there would drive away business, right? Don’t overthink this one, just enjoy it!

Date Watched: 01/21/21

Starring: Julie Strain, Rodrigo Obregón, Julie K. Smith, (Directed by Andy Sidaris)

Plot: A stolen computer floppy disc filled with information about the location of a mythical treasure in Savage Island will lure both villains and L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents into a dangerous treasure hunt.

Rules:

• Gratuitous nudity shots
• KSXY radio announcements
• Sexual Innuendos
• Exposition vomit sessions (1 drink every 30 seconds during exposition)

Quotes:

• “Everything I touch has a way of exploding” (suggestively)
• “Soon I will reveal everything to you, but now, there are parts of you I want to reveal to me.” (suggestively)
• “Urgent…Urgent…All things alive must be more than 16 miles away from ground zero point.”

Viewer Quotes:

• “Whoa, is that a crossbow?”
• “What’s going to happen?” – “She’s probably going to fall and ruin someone’s pizza.”
• “After getting dressed and rollerblading there, that pizza must be stone cold.”
• “This is way too much exposition for a movie like this.” – “This guy has just been vomiting nonsense.”
• “If this is the traditional way of celebrating, I’ve been doing it wrong the whole time.”
• “Yeah, let’s take a break, and take a naked swim!”
• “I can’t believe they’re taking the time to explain how this guy survived. Nobody cares! He survived, he found the plane, story over.”
• “They just Scooby Doo’d us!”
• “What? So that whole 10 minutes of exposition was a complete waste?”

Things We Learned:

• Explosions can turn a man into a obvious stuffed rag doll.
• The best way to kill a hitman hiding behind a car is to strap explosions to an RC car and jump it precisely into the trunk filled with gas cans.
• Ninjas carry emergency pistols, in case they start losing.

Final Take: If you’ve ever seen one of Andy Sidaris’ movies then you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into. This movie had it all: t & a, boat and car chases, witty quips and banter, ninjas, and lost treasure. Unfortunately it was tied together with some cheap dental floss. You will have fun watching it and laughing with friends, but I wouldn’t want to watch it alone.