Archive for the 'Foreign' Category

03
Feb
22

Yor:  The Hunter from the Future (1983)

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Categories: Aliens, Amazon women, Bad CGI, Bad Movies, Foreign, God Awful, Knock-Offs, Mutants, Postapocalyptic and Rules
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Date watched: 2/3/22

Starring: Reb Brown (nominated for a Razzie for this role)

Plot: A warrior seeks his true origins in a seemingly prehistoric wasteland. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Theme song being played
  • Dinosaurs
  • Say “Yor”
  • Old man shoots his arrow
  • Rocks that look like penises

Quotes:

  • “Yor’s different than other guys.”
  • “DAMN talking box!”

Viewer Quotes:                                   

  • “Is he from the future even though he looks like He-Man?”
  • “Is that a Triceratops crossed with a Stegosaurus… a Tristegatops?”
  • “There’s no monogamy in cave man days.”
  • “They should reboot this franchise.”  “No!”

Things we learned:

  • The best way to kill a Tristegatops is with an axe.
  • It’s hard to hide a boner wearing a loin cloth.  Wait, we already knew that from years ago.
  • Bad guys in the olden days wore purple paint on their faces.
  • Yor is good at being captured.
  • A generous man does what his heart commands.

Final Take:

This movie really had it all. It’s hard to believe that the movie at the end was the same movie that we started with. For most of the run time, we had no idea where the “Hunter from the Future” tagline came from. Then all of the sudden the Darth Vader clones showed up. (Actually, they kind of look more like Dark Helmet.) According to IMDB, this was originally an Italian miniseries that ran 200 minutes and was split into four parts. Now, condensed into one 90 minute movie, it operates as somewhat of a weird fever dream. If it were rated “R” and just went all out with the gore and craziness it would be a lot better. As it stands, it’s just kind of weird and tame.

21
Feb
19

Robo Vampire 3 aka The Vampire is Still Alive aka Counter Destroy (1989)

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Categories: Bad Movies, Cyborgs, Foreign, God Awful, Knock-Offs, Rules and Uncategorized
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Counter Destroy

Viewing Date: 2/21/19

Starring: No One

Plot: Joyce rents an old haunted home to pen her horror script, which releases an evil army of robot vampires, a knife-wielding demon and a battalion of otherworldly creatures (from IMDB).

Rules:
Something supernatural happens
Vampires
Abrupt scene changes

Quotes:
“Why man kill 2 beautiful girl.”
“I forgot to tell him we are the police.”
“You’re efficiency is extremely low. You’ve got to take some action now.”

Viewer Quotes:
“Why couldn’t they be in the bath together, shaving each other with a can of Barbasal.”
“Those are nice melons.”
“This is probably the most incoherent plot we’ve ever watched on a BMT.”

Things We Learned:
Rotary phones can kill.
The sacred bird can tell your fortune from sealed envelopes.
Vampires hop like rabbits.
The best way to kill someone is jumping over a car and slicing them with a putty knife.

Final Take:

Bad, and not in a good way.  We cannot recommend this movie, as it was a slog to get through.  Too bad.  There was a lot of potential here, but the mishmash of a bunch of other movies doesn’t work.

10
Jun
16

Dragon Blade

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Categories: Foreign and Uncategorized

dragon

Date Watched: 6/9/2016

Plot: When corrupt Roman leader Tiberius arrives with a giant army to claim the Silk Road, Huo An teams up his army with an elite Legion of defected Roman soldiers led by General Lucius to protect his country and his new friends. (Via IMDB)

Starring: Jackie Chan, John Cusack, Adrien Brody

Rules

  • Anyone says: “Protection Squad”
  • Slo-motion
  • Any time “East” meets “West”
  • WTF moments (weird comedy bits that don’t fit in with the rest of the movie)

Quotes

  • “During this time, it felt as though we were giving birth to a newborn child of hope.” -Huo An
  • “A city without fear, terror, humiliation… Whoever shares that city with me is my friend.” -Lucius

Viewer Quotes

  • “Well, at least we don’t have to listen to that kid anymore.”
  • “Ugh! An arrow through the Adam’s apple? That’s not how I want to go.”
  • “Because every good battle needs a band.””If I had to be here, I’d be in the band.”
  • “Why is there an army of birds?”

What We Learned

Final Take

Despite having 20 minutes edited out for the American version, this film still seemed to drag on.

13
Jun
15

Killer Mermaid / Nymph (2014)

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Categories: Bad CGI, Foreign, Murdered teenagers and Nudity
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killermermaid

Viewing Date: 5/14/2015

Starring: Some foreigners

Plot: Two young American women go on a Mediterranean vacation and uncover the watery lair of a killer mermaid hidden beneath an abandoned military fortress. What was once a carefree adventure becomes a deadly fight for survival. (from IMDB)

Rules

  • The call of the mermaid (Hunger Games tune)
  • “Cool” music
  • Foreign actors trying too hard to act American
  • Kills by the Fisherman
  • “Mamula”

Quotes

“I’ll bet he knows what you did last summer.”

“He’s a really funny guy.  I’ve known him since forever.”

Viewer Quotes 

“I’ll bet he knows what you did last summer.” (said moments before the actual line in the movie)

“He was really good time guy in college.”

“She looks a little bit like Daniel Day Lewis.”

“This is Daniel Day Lewis’s best role!”

“Do you think the mermaid’s siren song seduces lesbians?”

What We Learned

  • Mermaids have transformative powers and can change into hideous monsters
  • Smacking someone in the face breaks the mermaid’s trance
  • A mermaid’s scream can bring dead people back to life
  • Mermaid trance only affects men
  • The underground tunnel from the secret island does not, in fact, lead back to the mainland.  You still have to row back for some reason.
  • The movie did not have the budget to show the mermaid until 3/4 of the way through the movie.

Final Take

This movie had some decent laughs- mostly unintentional- and spent way too much time building up a love triangle for really no reason.  Most of the movie did not actually put the mermaid in the “killer” role, but rather it was her lover, who played the stereotypical, mute, plodding psychopath.  I guess he was killing people to feed his wife / lover (the mermaid), but a lot of the killing seemed to be just for the sake of killing…  Probably shouldn’t overthink a movie called “Killer Mermaid”.  The climax battle was pretty good, and the final shot of hundreds of mermaids embarking on the city made you wish that is what the movie had actually been about.  I guess we just have to hope for a sequel with more killer mermaids.

10
Apr
15

Blood Glacier

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Categories: Foreign and Mutants

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Viewing Date: 4/9/2015

Plot: Scientists working in the Austrian Alps discover that a glacier is leaking a liquid that appears to be affecting local wildlife (imdb)

Starring: Some Austrians / Germans (we’re not sure)

Rules

  • Say “Janek”
  • Say “fox”
  • We see the blood glacier
  • We see new monstrosities

Quotes

“The fox is here.  Be careful.  It’s face, it looks like a beetle!”

“It’s just a vegetative reflex.  It’s dead.”

“STOP EATING THAT BANANA WHILE YOU’RE CRYING!”

“Birds of Prey attacking people is just an old legend.”

“One less person to drive, eat, breathe and fart holes into the climate.”

Viewer Quotes

“Maybe it’s Hitler’s granddaughter.  They don’t know.”

“All of these characters are terrible- outside of Janek.”  “Janek isn’t that great either.”

What We Learned

  • Foxes are nature’s greatest omnivores
  • The cast of characters cares more for a random girl who was running on a desolate mountaintop with no supplies, or friends, than for one of their dead colleagues.
  • Blood glaciers come and go as they please.
  • Don’t trust your co-workers in life or death situations.
  • Don’t cry when you’re eating a banana.
  • Warning of rabid foxes should be taken very seriously.

Final Take

We watched this mainly on the strong reviews endorsing this movie as possibly the more poorly dubbed movie of all time.  It was bad- that’s for sure, but I think we’ve seen worse with some of the Japanese bad movies that we’ve watched.  Overall this was pretty boring and completely forgettable.

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