Archive for February, 2018

16
Feb
18

The Expendables 3

Expendables3

Date Watched: 02/15/2018

Starring: Sly Stallone, Wesley Snipes, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Mel Gibson, and probably more.

Plot: Barney augments his team with new blood for a personal battle: to take down Conrad Stonebanks, the Expendables co-founder and notorious arms trader who is hell bent on wiping out Barney and every single one of his associates (i.e. – the old crew is only around for 20 minutes before the movie resets with a totally different cast.)

Rules

  • Explosions (advanced)
  • Every new character introduction (or cameo)
  • “Stone Banks”
  • Gratuitous product placement
  • Scenes with way too much plot exposition

Quotes

  • “Time to mow the lawn”
  • “I’m the knife before Christmas!  I was doing knife tricks when you were still sucking on your daddy’s tit.”
  • “Who you calling amateur, grandpa?” – “Grandpa’s about to crush your windpipe.”
  • “A one-way trip is better than no-way, which is how I live now.”
  • “I can use it to jam the signal.” – “Why didn’t you think of that?” – “Well I use it to check the weather.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Look, he’s got milky white eyes now.  That’s how old he is.”
  • “Is that Randy Couture?” – “Yes, can you tell me what his character name is?” – “Captain Cauliflower Ear?”
  • “What’s Paul Walker’s brother’s name?  Is it Mall Walker?”
  • “If Sylvester Stallone was a superhero, he wouldn’t be The Flash.”
  • “Another scene that’s just going on forever!”

What We Learned

  • Stallone can outrun a collapsing building.
  • Explosions don’t cause any injury, they just force people back like a gust of wind.
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jet Li are having some kind of illicit affair.

Final Take: You should know what you’re signing up for when you watch Expendables 3.  Suffice it to say, you’ll think the movie’s almost over, only to find out it’s only halfway.  It’s an OK movie, but so much of that terrible exposition could have been cut out.

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