18
Jun
21

C.H.U.D.

Date Watched: 6/17/2021

Starring: Dad from Home Alone, and one of the Wet Bandits

Plot: Homeless people that live in the sewers are disappearing, and something terrifying might be killing them. CHUDs!

Rules

  • References to the “underground”.
  • Homeless people
  • CHUD attack
  • References to radiation

Quotes

  • “It’s buck dancers choice, my friend.”
  • “We don’t have to listen to the lunatic ravings of this paranoid hippie.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This guy’s wearing a full Canadian tuxedo.” – “What is that, scrubs?”

Things We Learned

  • In the 80’s, when a woman gets a call from the doctor, she’s pregnant.
  • You can intimidate people by eating their payphone change.
  • In the 80’s, going to the papers was the biggest threat of all. These days it means nothing.
  • New York apartments have access panels to the sewers.

Final Take: This was a decent Thursday movie. Definitely kept my attention, and the rules worked to keep a steady flow of beer going. There was a surprisingly strong cast involved in this one, and a plot involving corrupt politicians that still seems relevant. Not too shabby.

04
Jun
21

Congo

Date Watched: 6/3/2021

Starring: Tim Curry, Bruce Campbell, Laura Linney

Plot: When an expedition to the African Congo ends in disaster, a new team is assembled to find out what went wrong.

Rules

  • “Amy” (advanced rule)
  • The eye symbol
  • Amy smokes or drinks

Quotes

  • “I don’t have a price. I’m not a pound of sugar. I’m a primatologist.”
  • “Who are those guys?” – “Fuck if I know, and it don’t pay to ask. We’re on our third government in 2 years.”
  • “Solomon must have gotten his diamonds from Cartier, just like the rest of us.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Wow, that’s quite an accent.”
  • “Does anyone care if a snake is harmed in the filming of a movie?” – “I don’t know… Jake the snake Roberts?”
  • “She’s presenting! Smell… my… anus…”

Things We Learned

  • Apes are allowed one martini to calm them down.
  • You can use flares to trigger heat-seeking missiles.
  • Monkeys all mate under a full moon.
  • Hippos will attack boats indiscriminately at night.

Final Take:

It was fine.

07
May
21

Virtual Combat

Date Watched: 5/6/2021

Starring: Don “The Dragon” Wilson

Plot: Scientist brings virtual reality characters to life. Two are women from the cybersex game site. The third is a warrior who wants to unleash the rest of the bad guys from the virtual reality underworld. A border cop must defeat the virtual reality warrior while learning to relate to one of the cybersex babes.

Rules

  • Computer Voice
  • Computer lingo that doesn’t make sense
  • Using the stupid flip phone.
  • Dante kills someone

Quotes

  • “I’m in training for the tight-ass olympics.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Let’s make a phone out of a travel battleship game!”
  • “Is ‘back to life’ the right terminology? They’ve never been alive.”

Things We Learned

  • The ground floor of Excalibur is a cybersex hub.
  • “Software robbers” are totally ripped gangsters instead of just nerds living in their mom’s basements.
  • In the future, a taser is actually a laser.
  • You can create a physical copy of a program by copying it from MD-Rom to disc.
  • You can’t beat a computer at a computer game.
  • 500 PSI will kill a-lifers.

Final Take: A pretty poor copy of Virtuosity, and a shameless cash-in on the weird virtual reality craze of the time. This film has not aged very well, now that we’re living in the times they were projecting for us. The plot is hard to follow, the action is slow and poorly choreographed, and there’s probably not quite enough T & A to justify the rating. It’s entertaining as long as you’re drinking beers with friends, but will likely fade from memory as soon as the credits roll past.

16
Apr
21

Guns

Guns (1990) - IMDb

Viewing Date: 4/15/21

Starring: Erik Estrada, Danny Trejo, Dona Speir, Bruce Penhall

Plot: Juan Degas is the Jack of Diamonds, a nefarious armsmonger who intends to smuggle a big quantity of a new state-of-the-art weapon into America through Hawaii. In order to do so, Degas desperately needs to come up with a clever scheme to get out of his way the Agents who threaten the success of his plans. With the intention to liquidate both L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents Donna and Nicole, Degas’ assassins manage to engage them in a dangerous, fast-paced chase that will eventually lead them to Las Vegas, thousands of miles away. However, when Degas’ men abduct Donna’s mother, it will be his biggest mistake because, from that point on, things are about to get personal. Hungry for revenge, Donna armed with a devastating rocket launcher, she will have to go through stealthy ninja assassins and radio-controlled scale boats loaded with explosives to protect her family. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Gambling references
  • Hawaiian Landmarks
  • Cross Dressing
  • Different “moods” of music (requires subtitles on)
  • Remote control vehicles

Quotes

  • “Restaurant owner by day, secret agent by night”
  • “Baking bread to busting heads.”
  • “Don’t just do something. Stand there!”
  • “That mother is a bitch.” “That bitch is my mother.”
  • “That’s what’s known as a plan” (mansplaining)
  • “You know the type. Loose hips, wet lips.”
  • “Hiyah my ass!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “You’re going in a little aggressive dude.” “He’s the Jack of Diamonds.”

What We Learned

  • Getting busy on a motorcycle is a good time.
  • If you’re a secret agent, you need a side hustle– but note they can widely vary in level of responsibility (run a hotel on the Las Vegas strip or be a stripper)
  • Reflections in a mirror can be very confusing to tell which person is real- even if the person is standing right in the doorway (let’s not even consider the angles and mirrors required to create such an “illusion”).
  • Don’t play with guns, they aren’t much fun.
  • Bud light and a grenade is the best way to kill a magician.
  • Hit men are into cross-dressing

Final Take

Andy Sidaris movies have really become our go-to when we don’t have anything in mind and can’t quickly find something through Amazon Prime. You know exactly what you’re getting with a Sidaris movie, but for Bad Movie Thursday, that is a good thing: gratuitous nudity, a mind-numbingly stupid plot, remote control vehicles, decent entertaining action sequences with explosions, and bad (but quotable) dialogue. I can’t really say if this one was any better or worse than any of the other Sidaris movies (same basic plot, same actors, etc, but Guns does have the bonus of featuring Bad Movie Thursday Hall-of-Famer Danny Trejo, and Erik Estrada. But we had a good time, laughed quite a bit, and no one fell asleep (not even Marcella), so this one can be considered a winner.

01
Apr
21

Jiu Jitsu (2020)

Date watched: 4/1/21

Starring: Frank Grillo and Nic Cage (Partial Appearance)

Plot: Every six years, an ancient order of jiu-jitsu fighters joins forces to battle a vicious race of alien invaders. But when a celebrated war hero goes down in defeat, the fate of the planet and mankind hangs in the balance.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Seeing the Comet
  • Weird Subtitles
  • Fidget Spinners Attack
  • First Person Video Game Scenes
  • Stupid Cartoon Storyboard Transitions

Quotes:

  • “I like women with thick thighs.”
  • “Do you know those Jedi Knights that just took out my entire unit?”
  • “I got a license to kill you… No expiration date.”
  • “I know that the spaceman likes you.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • Regarding Nic Cage: “Is he supposed to be Asian?  Is he wearing a Sombrero?”
  • “Oh look, it’s the Ninja Turtles Temple.”

Things We Learned:

  • Nic Cage makes really good hats out of newspaper.
  • You can split one sword into two swords.
  • The movie Jiu Jitsu doesn’t have a lot of Jiu Jitsu in it.

Final Take:

There was a lot of potential here for something awesome.  Sadly, it fell short.  The movie is a never-ending barrage of fighting with little to no plot or dialogue.  It’s as if they shot a three-hour movie and then edited anything out that had to do with story or cohesion.  There are moments of cool things, but the sheer repetitiveness and ripped off Predator theme suck most of the fun out.  Nice Cage is also underused both in screen time and in the sheer lunacy for which we watch his films.

12
Mar
21

Equalizer 2000

Date Watched: 03/11/2021

Starring: Richard Norton, Robert Patrick

Plot: A ruthless vehicular gang rules the post-apocalyptic wasteland. That’s until a muscled hero named Slade builds the ultimate machine gun – Equalizer 2000, and declares a one man war on the gang’s “piece of garbage” leader.

Rules

  • Sporting equipment used as armor
  • Shooting more bullets than you have in your gun.
  • Dropping references to things we haven’t heard of yet (“The Ownership”)
  • “Sand Chopper”
  • “The Ownership”
  • Richard Norton running down a rock hill.
  • Flamethrowers

Quotes

  • I want Slade and I want him now. (there are almost no quotable lines in this movie)
  • We can’t hold… we’re gonna have to pull out.
  • You’ll get a procedural endorsement for this!

Viewer Quotes

  • I don’t understand who’s fighting who.
  • There’s no quotes in this movie at all. – There’s no dialogue in this movie at all.
  • Any friend of Chuck Norris is a friend of mine!
  • Loosely tied. Kind of like how I tie things to the roof of my car.
  • Who is it that he hates, and why?
  • Oh, no, it’s the Mountain People! – Let’s get ’em!

Things We Learned

  • In the post-apocalyptic future, there is no shortage of bullets, but you can’t find food, water, or gas.
  • Richard Norton is really good at running downhill on uneven terrain.
  • Combining 6 guns together makes you completely unstoppable.

Final Take: A totally forgettable movie with an almost completely incomprehensible plot. They dropped you into the middle of this story with a grand battle between various warring factions, but no backstory to explain everything that’s going on. Bottom line, if you’re just interested in explosions and actions scenes, and don’t care about understanding the deeper plot, you might enjoy this.

05
Mar
21

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

Amazon.com: Kirbis Sharknado 5 Global Swarming Movie Poster 18 x 28 Inches:  Posters & Prints

Viewing Date: 2/25/21

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid and a long list of semi-celebs in cameos

Plot: With a bitter taste in the mouth, knowing that the Sharknado crisis is far from over yet, Fin and April travel to London after the events of Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016), as Nova Clarke’s fact-finding expedition accidentally triggers a wave of ferocious and bigger-than-ever Sharknadoes. As a result, with prehistoric Stonehenge as the epicentre of the unstoppable new menace, Fin’s young son, Gil, gets sucked into the heart of the brutal cyclone, with minimal chances of survival. Now, Fin Shepard, humankind’s dauntless chainsaw-wielding hero, and his intrepid bionic wife, April, must track down a complex and omnipotent vortex formation that rapidly transforms into something unimaginable: an ever-growing Sharknado of global proportions. This time, Fin and April have their work cut out for them, in a perilous mission across the four corners of the world. Who shall live and who shall die when the fifth awakens? (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Cameos
  • “Sharknado”
  • Movie references / gags
  • Riding sharks
  • Impaling sharks or getting impaled by a shark

Quotes

  • “I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a human helicopter.” (turns out she was, in fact, a human helicopter
  • “You clear your thoughts.” (to Tara Reid’s character)

What We Learned

  • The Sydney Opera House is actually a transforming, shark killing machine, that somehow requires Tony Hawk for repairs
  • Olivia Newton John’s daughter (Chloe Lattanzi) is one of the creepiest looking, saddest ‘plastic-surgery-gone-wrong’ victims in recent memory.
  • The British Secret Service has developed a helmet with a shark fin to protect you in case you end up in Sharknado.
  • Sharknados creation teleportation portals and time travel

Final Take

Are we getting Sharknado fatigue? There were times watching this movie where I asked myself if 5 films of complete absurdity and bad cameos could actually be getting tired and boring- and yes it is very close, but there is enough here with a $3M budget and one-upping the stupidity to keep it fun. The bar is set very low… Can I say I’m actually somewhat forward to the next one, as long as Dolph Lungren is more than just a cameo?

04
Feb
21

Dealthstalker 2 (1987)

Date watched: 2/4/21

Plot: Princess Evie of Jzafir is deposed by an evil sorcerer and his dangerous ally. Reena the Seer enlists the aid of the renowned hero Deathstalker to battle the forces of evil, including a clone of the princess, and win back her kingdom. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Pigman is on the screen.
  • Say “Deathstalker”.
  • Cartoon sound effects.
  • Character sees into the future or does magic.
  • Spit takes.

Quotes:

  • “Stalker, is that your sword, or are you just happy to see me?”
  • “The top half of you might think it’s the wrong time, but the bottom half of you knows it’s the right place.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Quite the outfits.  Looks like a kid’s birthday party.”
  • “Oh good, Pigman’s back.”
  • “How much cocaine was done while shooting this movie?”

Things We Learned:

  • The Prince of Thieves is really Dealthstalker not Robin Hood.
  • The best way to sneak up on someone from behind is to yell really loud.
  • You can stab someone in a faraway land through a bubbling witch’s brew.

Final Take:

This movie was a lot of stupid fun, and it seemed like the cast and crew had a great time making it. Both leads are surprisingly engaging for schlock like this. You might need to bring some Triscuits for cheese like this, but this was an awesome Bad Movie Thursday film.

29
Jan
21

Aerobicide / Killer Workout (1987)

Killer Workout (1987) - IMDb

Viewing Date: 1/7/21

Starring: (Does it really matter?) Marcia Karr, David Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior

Plot: Two years ago, a young woman named Valerie was burned after entering a tanning salon. Now, her twin sister, Rhonda, runs a local gym where, all of a sudden, people are being murdered. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Tanning bed (spoiler, this doesn’t really pay off)
  • 80’s product placement
  • Creepy guys hitting on the women
  • Ominous music
  • Overtly sexual aerobics moves

Quotes

  • “♪♪ Animal Workout ♪♪!”
  • “Tell that college boy that if he doesn’t have that report ready in 30 minutes, I’m going to go over there and do an autopsy on his face!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Was that batteries and condoms in her purse?”
  • With that hair I’m glad she’s dead.”

What We Learned

  • Safety pins are deadly weapons
  • Leaving a jock strap in a locker was a great come-on move in the 80’s
  • Multiple homicides will not close down a gym
  • Jean shorts and a singlet are a good clothing choice when breaking and entering
  • One cop is enough to cover / solve an ongoing murder spree

Final Take

Wow. Where to begin with this one? So the premise of this movie is that an aspiring model (Valerie) was badly burned in a tanning bed accident, but then faked her death and posed as her twin sister (Rhonda) while operating a gym / aerobics studio. In between gratuitous workout montages, gym members are murdered in creative ways, most often with a giant safety pin. Meanwhile, the police and authorities don’t seem to care enough to try to solve the mystery, or shut down the crime scenes (workouts begin immediately). The big reveal at the end, is that Rhonda is the murderer, who wants to kill attractive people because she is now bald and scarred from the accident. Somehow she gets away with it since the guy who was in love with her takes the blame (and then she kills him). The cop who knows she was the killer attempts to kill her, but due to incompetency, ends up getting killed, and Rhonda is back in business (and planning to start killing again).

This was a lot of fun- lots of gratuitous nudity, and complete absurdity with how the community treats serial killings. Why did she need to fake her death and pose as a twin in the first place? Was there no actual record of the death? Is it that easy to create a fake identity? But more importantly, how is it a successful business model to run a gym and murder your members? If it isn’t enough to kill your source of income, I think eventually the reputation of potentially getting murdered there would drive away business, right? Don’t overthink this one, just enjoy it!

22
Jan
21

Return To Savage Beach

Date Watched: 01/21/21

Starring: Julie Strain, Rodrigo Obregón, Julie K. Smith, (Directed by Andy Sidaris)

Plot: A stolen computer floppy disc filled with information about the location of a mythical treasure in Savage Island will lure both villains and L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents into a dangerous treasure hunt.

Rules:

  • Gratuitous nudity shots
  • KSXY radio announcements
  • Sexual Innuendos
  • Exposition vomit sessions (1 drink every 30 seconds during exposition)

Quotes:

  • “Everything I touch has a way of exploding” (suggestively)
  • “Soon I will reveal everything to you, but now, there are parts of you I want to reveal to me.” (suggestively)
  • “Urgent…Urgent…All things alive must be more than 16 miles away from ground zero point.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Whoa, is that a crossbow?”
  • “What’s going to happen?” – “She’s probably going to fall and ruin someone’s pizza.”
  • “After getting dressed and rollerblading there, that pizza must be stone cold.”
  • “This is way too much exposition for a movie like this.” – “This guy has just been vomiting nonsense.”
  • “If this is the traditional way of celebrating, I’ve been doing it wrong the whole time.”
  • “Yeah, let’s take a break, and take a naked swim!”
  • “I can’t believe they’re taking the time to explain how this guy survived. Nobody cares! He survived, he found the plane, story over.”
  • “They just Scooby Doo’d us!”
  • “What? So that whole 10 minutes of exposition was a complete waste?”

Things We Learned:

  • Explosions can turn a man into a obvious stuffed rag doll.
  • The best way to kill a hitman hiding behind a car is to strap explosions to an RC car and jump it precisely into the trunk filled with gas cans.
  • Ninjas carry emergency pistols, in case they start losing.

Final Take: If you’ve ever seen one of Andy Sidaris’ movies then you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into. This movie had it all: t & a, boat and car chases, witty quips and banter, ninjas, and lost treasure. Unfortunately it was tied together with some cheap dental floss. You will have fun watching it and laughing with friends, but I wouldn’t want to watch it alone.




June 2021
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