Bad Movie Thursday

Date Watched: 5/25/23

Starring: Bainbridge Scott

Plot: In order to rescue the son of a diplomat who has been kidnapped by terrorists, a group of Las Vegas showgirls undergo commando training and organize a rescue operation. (From IMDB)

Rules:

• “Ultra Neutron Bomb” or “UN Bomb”
• Headbands and leg warmers
• Taking bubble baths
• Boom Mic showing on camera

Quotes:

• “We have less than 10 days to transform you from Las Vegas showgirls into elite commandos.”
• “Listen, we’ve raided and killed dozens of Arabs and none of them seem to be terrorists.”
• “No, this isn’t a public expedition. They didn’t tattoo it on my ass.”

Viewer Quotes:

• “Are we drinking for all these headbands?”
• “I expected them to be in the tub after all that.”
• “Wow! Did they just fully Scooby Doo this?”

Things We Learned:

• The best plan to rescue an abducted ambassador’s son is to train up an elite force of show girls.
• Training an elite force of showgirls into elite commandos takes about 10 days.
• Driving and operating a tank takes no training at all.

Final Take:

This was an interesting movie. It had the feel of a low-budget A Team episode written in 15 minutes, with some key plot points filled in mad-lib style. It was kind of a lot to take in when you really try to wrap your head around what actually happened. But in Bad Movie Thursday terms it was a pretty entertaining watch, and a lot of the rules really worked out pretty well. Just don’t overthink the why’s or how’s of what’s supposed to be happening and enjoy the weird trip.

Viewing Date: Mar 23, 2023

Starring: Dean “Eyebrows” Cameron, Amy Dolenz, Pat Morita

Plot

A down-on-his luck beach bum asks a cute female genie to help him seduce the woman of his dreams only to realize that he might be looking in the wrong place.

Rules

• Genie granting wishes
• Every time they say “genie”

Quotes

• “I’m rehearsing for a mayonnaise commercial.”

What we learned:

• All you really need is a good blanket.
• Pat Morita is actually a fat white troll.

Final Take

This was a highly forgettable movie. If you’re expecting another Ski School, as we were, you will likely be sorely disappointed. It seemed like the kind of movie that was thrown together on two napkins by some coked-out Hollywood-adjacent c-listers. There was lots of T and A, though, so it’s got that going for it.

Viewing Date: Mar 2, 2023

Starring: Paul Hogan, Linda Kozlowski, Jere Burns, cameo by Mike Tyson

Plot

From the opening shot of a Jurassic Park-esque reptilian eye, you know you are in for a wild ride. As Mick “Crocodile” Dundee sits in a canoe sharpening his famous knife, a monstrous croc hides somewhere in the deep. The croc suddenly attacks, tearing Mick’s boat to pieces and leaving him and mate Jacko up a tree. Life for Mick can only get easier, right? When Mick arrives at home, he discovers longtime companion Sue’s newspaper-mogul father has called, and needs her help on an article at the paper’s Los Angeles branch. Mick, who recognizes his importance in the modernizing bush is now no more than as a tourist attraction, agrees to join her, and together Mick, Sue and son Mikey head for Los Angeles. Here the adventure truly begins, as Mick and Jacko brave a cowboy bar where the horsemen are of a different color, and a Hollywood film party where everyone seems interested in Mick’s mate Malcolm “Mal” Gibson’s colorful exploits. Sue’s article soon leads to a sleazy film producer, so Mick gets a job as a monkey wrangler at his studio, where his investigation uncovers some very sketchy goings-on (via IMDB).

Rules

• Australians not understanding modern culture
• Fish out of water gags
• Crocodile Dundee drives a Subaru Outback
• References to previous CD movies
• Women inexplicably attracted to Mick or his sidekick
• Product placements

Quotes

• “This is one of those soft tops…” “CAVE IN!”
• “Man stuff, right?”
• “…Built like a brick dunny.”
• “Isn’t that the guy that had the skunk on the freeway?”

What we learned:

• A skunk is “man stuff”
• If you are Australian, you have animal whispering powers
• Australians are somehow aware of, yet entirely shocked and impressed with, fast food drive thrus
• The best way to smuggle priceless works of art is through an elaborate movie production, which films in two locations
• If you are summoned to take a Newspaper job as a short term assignment, you get to live in a Beverly Hills mansion and must enroll your kid in school
• Its easy to get a walk-on job as an extra in Hollywood, with opportunity for promotion to pet handler.

Final Take

Where do we start? Sad that the Crocodile Dundee franchise ended in such a pathetic money grab (I sure could go for some Wendy’s and a diet Pepsi!), when we all have such fond, nostalgic memories of the first two. This version seems to be targeted to children, with the accompanying plot and jokes you would expect. In the first one, it was largely believable that Mick wouldn’t understand a bidet, cocaine or some of the stranger aspects of city life, but he seems to not have learned anything through his life experiences. But somehow this still makes him as attractive and charming as ever to the ladies. Watch for the bizarre cameo by Mike Tyson, who teaches Mick and his son to meditate (for some reason) while hanging out in a park.

Viewing Date: Jan 19, 2023

Starring: The Barbarian Brothers (David Paul and Peter Paul), Richard Lynch, Eva LaRue, Michael Berryman

Plot: Two twin barbarians seek revenge from the warlord who massacred their tribe and captured them when they were small children. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Disfigured faces
• Unnecessary feats of strength
• Blue Filter
• Actors we recognize
• “Ruby” or any mention of “the stone”
• Magic is used
• Stupid Barbarian noises (you’ll know them when you hear them)

Viewer Quotes

• “Its a drive-by knifing.”
• “How do you eat when your mouth is sewn shut?”
• “That one guy- he’s not a great actor.” “Which one?” “The dirtmaster.”

What We Learned

• The strip club is a good place to buy weapons
• You can check virginity status by sticking a ruby in someone’s belly button
• You should stop juggling when being chased
• Rubies contain the secret of music- and that is extremely valuable to evil warlords
• You can’t outrun bandits in a circus wagon

Final Take

This was a fun throwback to the steroid-fueled 80’s fantasy genre, and an obvious attempt to cash in on the popularity of Conan the Barbarian. You get exactly what you expect with terrible dialogue and acting from the Barbarian Brothers. They are complete buffoons but somehow save the day simply through their incredible strength. Anyway, it is worth some laughs as the brothers go on some sort of adventure to save their former circus companion who has been imprisoned by an evil warlord who wants the magic ruby that contains the power of music and entertainment. Middle of the road bad movie overall.

Viewing Date: Dec 22, 2022

Starring: Jennifer Runyon, Linda Gentile

Plot: A group of teenagers at a party find themselves being stalked by a maniacal killer in a Santa Claus costume.

Rules

• Double Entendres
• Innuendos
• “Calvin”, saying it or references to the finishing school for girls
• Scooby Doo noises

Quotes

• “Come on, Einstein. Time for your advanced course in relativity.”
• “If you raise a hand on one of these fillies, I’ll personally raise your voice another octave.”

Viewer Quotes

• “It’s never ok to hold someone’s chin for this long. Not under any circumstances.”

What We Learned

• God put us here to take care of the plants
• College kids love drinking milk before bed.
• When you put on a Santa murder mask you become super strong.
• Drinking PBR will make Santa kill you.
• Sorority house mothers are great at killing and cleaning up crime scenes.

Final Take

Pretty by-the-numbers slasher flick. Literally almost every trope of the genre was on display, but being from 1980 that probably wasn’t a thing at the time. Lots of plot holes, not great acting or dialogue, but not bad enough to really qualify for a Bad Movie Thursday recommendation. We only picked it because it had a Christmas theme, but it could barely qualify for even that. Not recommended.

Viewing Date: 10/20/2022

Starring: Lee Bane, Jason Gregg, Sarah John

Plot: On Halloween night, a serial killer returns from the dead to take revenge on the vigilantes who put him to death one year earlier.

Rules

• Pumpkins
• “Jack”
• Old horror movie footage
• Halloweenisms

Quotes

• “Look down at me and you see a fool. Look up at me and you see a god. Look straight at me and you see yourself.”
• “Life is just a dream for the dead.”

Viewer Quotes

• “This is a Trump appointed judge.”
• “This guy’s layering jackets. A fluffy vest over a puffy jacket.”

What We Learned

• Life is just a dream for the dead.
• Dripping blood on a grave will reanimate the dead.
• A “prison purse” is a butt hole.
• People trick or treat in the UK.

Final Take

This one was just OK. It wasn’t too funny, it was kind of hard to follow, and people were killing other people without any explanation as to why. The main villain was not too interesting or scary, either. It was the only Halloween movie we could find on short notice and it definitely was not very memorable. Won’t be watching the sequel any time soon.