11
Sep
20

Firestorm (1998)

Date Watched: 9/10/20

Starring: Howie Long, Scott Glenn, Suzy Amis, William Forsythe, Barry Pepper

Plot: Firefighter Jesse Graves has to save ornithologist Jennifer and other people caught in a forest fire, which was set up by the lawyer of convicted killer Earl Shaye, who escaped from the prison with several of his inmates posing as firefighters to recover thirty-seven million dollars in stashed loot.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “smokejumpers” or “smokejump”
  • Fire puns
  • Say “shake and bake”
  • Every time Sherman does something dumb

Quotes:

  • “Stick it in there.  C’mon Belcher.”
  • “Whats wrong?  Take in a little smoke today?”
  • “I’m killing you.  It’s strictly a matter of mathematics.”
  • “Where do think they plan on running… to Burger King?”

Viewer quotes:

  • “I’m pretty sure that’s not how they do that.  (said about the smokejumpers)”
  • “Ah, you can still jump.”
  • “Which way should I go?  Oh, I know, away from the fire.”
  • “#MontanaKnowledge”

Things we learned:

  • Howie Long knows when a boat is about to explode just by looking at it.
  • You can have a giant knife in prison.
  • Ping pong balls are very flammable #MontanaKnowledge
  • Graham is a birder and Howie Long is not.
  • Female hostages are more valuable.
  • Setting a backfire can draw fire from a main fire. #MontanaKnowledge
  • Fire goes backwards in Canada.
  • Chainsaws will run without your finger on them.
  • Howie Long hates water.
  • Howie Long chews carefully.

Final Take:

It was fairly terrible and enjoyable to watch.  It’s basically a mash up of Backdraft and Cliffhanger, and it didn’t surprise us at all that Sylvester Stallone was attached to this at one point.  There’s not enough here to make it a classic BMT movie, but it was good for what it was.

28
Aug
20

Battlefield Earth

battlefieldEarth

Starring: John Travolta, Forest Whitaker, Barry Pepper

Date Watched: 8/27/2020

Plot: It’s the year 3000 A.D., and the Earth is lost to the alien race of Psychlos. Humanity is enslaved by these gold-thirsty tyrants, who are unaware that their ‘man-animals’ are about to ignite the rebellion of a lifetime.

Rules

  • “Leverage”
  • Wipe (scene transitions)
  • Psychlos talking about or presenting gold
  • Dutch (i.e. skewed) camera angle (advanced rule)
  • Slow motion
  • “Man-animal” (expert rule)

Quotes

  • “As a friend I could forget to file the report… but unfortunately, I’m not your friend!”
  • Dog?  Obviously the superior race, having man-animal chauffeur it around.”
  • “You sure called that one, sir.  He certainly didn’t find those picto-cameras.”
  • “Hope is an admirable quality, but foolish isn’t.”
  • “You made me as happy as a baby pcychlo on a straight diet of kerbango.”
  • “You imbecile!  What kind of crap-lousy game are you playing?”

Viewer Quotes

  • “What do we know about Scientology?”  –  “Well, it’s based around some god… Zathura?”

Things We Learned

  • Glass is godstone.
  • Dog is the superior race.
  • Gold is just dripping off the mountains of Colorado in the future.
  • Dutch angles are skewed shots.  Every shot in Battlefield Earth is dutch.
  • The great weakness of the Psychlo race is that they can’t move fast at all.

Final Take: This was a re-watch of a treasured favorite, one of the Bad Movie Thursday originals.  It held up pretty well.  It’s still a nonsensical mess, clearly conceived by the mind of a madman.  The rules all played well, especially “Leverage” and the scene wipe.  God help you if you play by the advanced or expert rules. It was a fun trip down memory lane and worth the time.  Just don’t try to read any meaning into it or plug the plot holes.

07
Aug
20

Dave Made a Maze

Dave Made a Maze (2017) - IMDb

Viewing Date: 8/6/20

Starring: Meera Rohit Kumbhani, Nick Thune, Adam Busch

Plot: Dave, an artist who has yet to complete anything significant in his career, builds a fort in his living room out of pure frustration, only to wind up trapped by the fantastical pitfalls, booby traps, and critters of his own creation. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Origami
  • “It’s bigger than it looks” or other references to the size of the Maze
  • “Maze”  (borderline advanced rule

Quotes

  • “Did she die or did she just turn into a craft project?”
  • “Everyone are assholes!”  “Is.”  “Everyone is assholes!  No that doesn’t sound right.”
  • “Hey Brynn.  Thought you were dead.”

Viewer Quotes

  • I think we needed mushrooms to watch this.” (several other similar quotes about this movie and drugs)

What We Learned

  • It’s an old fort trick to use a towel and tape.
  • Life is a series of incomplete moments of which there is no escape.
  • When you die in a cardboard maze, your blood and guts become paper products.
  • The only thing a minotaur wants more than to eat human flesh is to be free (and eventually go to a bar).

Final Take

This movie has apparently won several independent movie awards and based on the ratings, is very popular.  It was SO close to hitting the checkmarks of a cult classic.  The movie starts out really strong, has some funny moments and bizarre trippy scenes (the puppets, the optical illusion room) that bring me back to the crazy movies that we loved in high school and college (like Meet the Feebles).  Unfortunately, the movie really lost steam from about half way on and the end wasn’t anything special.  Still worth watching, it just falls short of what could have been a BMT classic.

 

 

 

23
Jul
20

Spaghettiman (2016)

Spaghettiman

Date watched: 7/23/20

Starring: Spaghetti

Plot: Clark doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about the world. He barely cares about himself. But after an incident with an old bowl of spaghetti and a malfunctioning microwave, he becomes a superhero that can fight crime with the power of spaghetti. However, you have to pay him. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Pasta puns
  • Shooting spaghetti
  • Eating spaghetti
  • Extreme rule = saying spaghetti
  • Spaghettiman making a money symbol with his fingers
  • Spaghettiman eats soup

 

Quotes:

  • “Is it possible that you inserted the spaghetti noodle directly inside of your penis?”
  • “You would drink a spaghetti pee?”
  • “You’ve been served—Spaghetti”
  • “I rip his dick off… just like my grandma taught me.”

 

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Things you don’t want to see in a movie:  somebody eating spaghetti.”
  • “Did he just piss out a bunch of spaghetti noodles?”
  • “I almost pulled a Warlock on it (aka I almost fell asleep.)”

 

Things We Learned:

  • When you microwave spaghetti for 3 min sauce magically appears.
  • The ukulele is the best way to sing songs to unborn children.

 

Final Take:

It was ok.  Not as good as the reviews.  Watchable.

19
Jun
20

Samurai Cop

samurai_cop

Date Watched: 6/18/2020

Starring: Robert Z’Dar, Mathew Karedas, Janis Farley

Plot: Joe Marshall and Frank Washington are two tenacious police detectives who seek at all costs to stop the Katana, a renegade Yakuza gang composed of violent and sadistic killers who want to lead the drug trade in Los Angeles.

Rules

  • Mentioning “Katana”
  • Mentioning “Samurai” or using a samurai sword
  • Mullets <advanced rule>
  • When you see wig man

Quotes

  • “Oh, it’s up and ready, you just keep it warm.”  –  “It’s warm and ready.”  <wink>
  • “I want him dead!  I want his head on this piano!”  –  “I will bring you his head and place it on that piano.”
  • “I feel like somebody shoved a big club up my ass, and it hurts.  And I’m trying to figure out a way to get it out of there.”
  • “What happened?  You out or in?”  –  “Baby, I’m always in.”
  • “Is that him?”  –  “I guess so… looks like this is his last fuck.”
  • “Well, this one’s dead, too.  Not captured alive.”
  • “Why did you go under?”  –  <crawling under gate> “I’m an undercover cop!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Is that guy the samurai cop?  He’s kind of a douche.”
  • “Wouldn’t it have been easier just to smuggle in the sword and do it herself instead of smuggling in the guy holding the sword?”
  • “Why is this fight transitioning through completely different scenes?  Sometimes there’s trees around them, then grass, then nothing at all.”
  • “That guy’s pants are too high.  I think we can all agree on that.”
  • “Why is that guy caressing his gun?”
  • “This samurai cop never does anything samurai-like at all.  He’s never even held a sword.”

Things We Learned

  • Samurai’s almost never use swords
  • Cops can kill whomever they want with absolute impunity.
  • Samurai cops are irresistible to women.
  • There’s nothing special about Samurai cops.  They don’t seem to have any real special skills.  The name Samurai may have been a facetious joke by his co-workers.

Final Take: This was a good one.  I think it absolutely took itself seriously at times, which is what you really want in a movie like this.  There was gratuitous violence.  There were soft-core porn scenes that went on way too long.  There was stilted dialogue.  It had everything you’d want.  I definitely recommend it.  I’d also like to watch the documentary about the filming of it, just to find out why that wig was used so frequently.

 

04
Jun
20

Space Mutiny (1988)

Space Mutiny (1988) - IMDb

Viewing Date: 6/4/20

Starring: Reb Brown, John Phillip Law

Plot

In the distant future in deep space, the large colony spaceship Southern Sun travels through the galaxy. On board, the evil Kalgan (John Philip Law) and his men take control of the ship through a violent and explosive mutiny. Kalgan’s plan is to scrap the ship and sell the passengers into slavery. One man, (Reb Brown) decides to make a stand and encourages others to fight against Kalgan’s rebels. Armed with laser cannons and neutron grenades, he leads the Commander’s daughter and a handful of soldiers into a blasting battle to re-take the ship. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Recycled Battlestar Galactica footage
  • Enforcer vehicles
  • Someone says ‘Enforcer’
  • Evil laughs

Quotes

  • “I prefer to jump!”  “Be my guest.”
  • I’ve got a 6-9’er in progress!”

What We Learned

  • In space, if you wear red, you’re a bad guy, blue means you’re a good guy
  • Similarly, a paintball mask means you’re a bad soldier.
  • Rocket gun explosions cause you to be launched off a trampoline
  • Jazzercize outfits are standard issue during a Space Mutiny, and parties involve hula hooping
  • Rooms with AstroTurf are made for sexy time

Final Take

This movie has gained fame as being one of the more popular features on  Mystery Science Theater 300, for good reason.  It has laughable acting, writing, special effects and wardrobes.  If it wasn’t for the ‘borrowed’ space sequences at the beginning, this could have been taking place just about anywhere.  Practically all action scenes were filmed in some dark warehouse, with the highlights involving low speed chases on the ‘Enforcers’ (golf carts covered in cardboard.  Definitely worth checking out- it lived up to the spirit of Bad Movie Thursday!

 

21
May
20

Recoil (2011)

Recoil

Date watched: 5/21/20

Starring: Steve Austin, Danny Trejo

Plot: A cop turns vigilante after his family is murdered, exacting vengeance on the killers – and then on all criminals who have slipped through the system.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • References to the state of WA
  • References to vigilante justice
  • Steve Austin shows his scars or cuts himself
  • Danny Trejo finds a new way to torture someone
  • Wrestling moves

Quotes:

  • “I’m not leaving until I kill something.”
  • “They just turned Dale Burrows into abstract art.”  (response to killing the guy.)
  • “Kill him.”  “Who?”  “Everyone!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “That’s what you get for not social distancing.”
  • “There’s no hope in Pierce County, WA.”
  • “Is he drinking cocaine juice?”

Things We Learned:

Danny Trejo is currently 76 years old.

Final Take: There’s not much to note on this one.  I think that we had a decent time watching it, but there’s almost nothing memorable about it, except that there were some references to the state of Washington.

08
May
20

Rambo: Last Blood

ramboLastBlood

Date Watched: 5/7/2020

Starring: The shambling corpse of Sylvester Stallone, Trump’s border wall

Plot: Rambo must confront his past and unearth his ruthless combat skills to exact revenge in a final mission.

Rules

  • References to the war
  • Flashbacks
  • Stabbings
  • Gratuitous violence
  • Cartel people dying in traps

Quotes

  • “You’re going to take me to that club.  You’re going to show me who she was with.  Or I’m going to hurt you real bad.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “That’s his killin’ machete right there.  That’s redundant.  All of his stuff is for killing…”
  • “Do you think that’s an artificial hairline?  That looks artificial.”
  • “There’s been no quotes from this movie for me to write down.  This movie is not quotable.”
  • “Being lured is the only way anyone ever ends up in Arizona.”
  • “I think the initial knife to the neck probably did it.”

Things We Learned

  • Don’t go to the clubs in Mexico.
  • Never pick a fight with someone that makes their own arrows.
  • The best way to defeat the Mexican Cartel is to lure them to your home in Arizona.
  • Rambo doesn’t have too many lessons to teach.

Final Take: You could pretty much skip the first hour and ten minutes of this movie and still get all the enjoyment you would hope to out of it.  There was way too much plot setup in the beginning.  Yes, we get that his “daughter” was tortured and killed, we don’t need to know any more about why he wants to kill all these guys.  Just get to the killing.  Luckily the last 30 minutes saves the whole thing.  I could watch that last stretch 2 or 3 more times, at least.  It’s worth it just for that.

23
Apr
20

From Paris With Love (2010)

From Paris with Love (film) - Wikipedia

Viewing Date: 4/23/20

Starring: John Travolta, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Kasia Mutniak

Plot: James Reece is an ambitious aide to the U.S. Ambassador in Paris, doing little jobs for the CIA and hoping to get into black ops. On the night he and his girlfriend, Caroline, become engaged, he’s told to pick up Charlie Wax at Orly. Charlie is an unorthodox government employee – large, bald and bearded, foul-mouthed and eccentric. Charlie immediately takes James on a wild ride of murder and mayhem, through ethnic enclaves. As bodies pile up, the purpose remains opaque to James. Caroline, unhappy that James has been out of touch for a day, tells him to bring Charlie for dinner. Charlie can be charming – where will it lead? Does the chess-playing James have what it takes? (via IMDB)

Rules

  • French landmarks
  • “Wax”
  • Chess references
  • Someone does blow / drugs

Quotes

  • “James!”  “I’m sorry I spilled the sauce.”  “The blood sauce?”
  • “Do I look like I play board games?”
  • “I’ve got a message for him (whomever you work for)”
  • “Wax-on, Wax-off.”
  • “Let’s Par-tay!”
  • Welcome to Paris, baby.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Travolta….  What have you become?”

What We Learned

  • Airport security x-ray machines can’t see guns in aluminum cans.
  • Travolta can tell where the coke is by watching the eyes of the person he interrogates.
  • Wax always gets it done.
  • Travolta needs a little blow as a pick-me-up.

Final Take

This was an enjoyable action movie!  Predictable plot, with Travolta’s character being the ultimate invincible rebel special agent that is always three steps ahead (which is laughable on its own).  There is also the love-interest that you know is a double-crossing villain from the moment you meet her.  Did I mention Travolta’s over the top acting complete with drug use and Pulp Fiction references?  But lots of hilarious action and killing, nudity and drugs- a particularly fun sequence has Reese toting around a giant vase throughout a gun battle (later we learn it’s full of cocaine).  No one is falling asleep during this one.

09
Apr
20

Bubba the Redneck Werewolf (2014)

Bubba

Date watched: 4/9/20

Starring: Several actors/actresses without pictures in IMDB.  That’s a good sign right?

Plot: Cracker County is under attack and lovesick dog catcher Bubba Blanche has been transformed into a ferocious, cigar smoking Werewolf in order to save the day. But first he’s got to conquer a beer or two. And maybe a plate of chicken wings. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • References to dawg or see a dog
  • Redneck stereotypes

Quotes:

  • “I own proper f@ckin scissors.”
  • “Not with the hillbilly rapists they got around here.”
  • “I feel it in my ass.”
  • “Bobby Jo ain’t got no crabs.”
  • “Holy shit, I’m a werewolf.”
  • “I lost my testicles in Nam.”
  • “This my bar, and I f@ckin hate kids.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Is she reading hog porn?”
  • “That guy’s dressed up as one of the minions.”

Things we learned:

  • The Devil uses a quill to write.
  • The Devil has his own brand of toasters.
  • Crowds of people don’t like Jimmy Buffet or book clubs.
  • Nuns have huge back tattoos.
  • Werewolves like chicken wings.

Final Take:

This was our first virtual BMT event (due to the Pandemic not Birdemic), and I think this was a good choice.  It was a fun movie from start to finish.  I’m actually surprised that there hasn’t been a sequel.




September 2020
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