Plot: In ancient China, a group of European mercenaries encounters a secret army that maintains and defends the Great Wall of China against a horde of monstrous creatures.
Rules
“Tao Tei”
Way overdone gratuitously cinematic shots
Doing the stupid bungie dive attack.
People getting pushed out of the way.
Magnets
Squad activation
Every new technological innovation that gets revealed.
Beasts communicating with each other.
Quotes
“I haven’t surrendered in a while.” – “It’ll come back to you.”
“You smell like animals.”
“See if it’s gone out.” – “Is it safe?” – “Of course it is.”
Viewer Quotes
“You are soldiers.” – “You are bad actors.”
“Here comes the hottie patrol.”
“Here comes the Zerg Berzerkers.”
“Where did you learn to fight like that?” – “The streets of Boston.”
“I like all 3 of these actors, but this is terrible!”
What We Learned
The Great Wall of China was built to keep out the Tao Tei.
Matt Damon is worth hundreds of Chinese warriors.
800 li is two days ride.
Final Take
This was a good Thursday movie. Ridiculous over the top stupid action, good actors doing bad acting, and a nonsense plot that was impossible to follow. It was fun while it lasted but there’s no chance I’ll remember any of it. I doubt Matt Damon remembers too much.
Plot: Barney Springboro and Peyton Nichols are fun-loving high school students working on a science project with white mice. When one of the mice begins to move food toward itself with out touching it, Barney finds he has accidentally discovered a formula for telekinetic powers. Now, how much trouble can a high school kid who can move things with just his mind get into? (via IMDB)
Rules
Gary Cooter makes an appearance
Telekinesis / ‘Zapping’
References to Tee Winkle College or Emerson High School
Quotes
“My old lady won’t let me eat salami no more. Says it causes cancer.”
“Are you a junkie son?”
“Sounds like too many chili dogs, Dex. Have to learn to relax.” – Einstein
Viewer Quotes
“It’s totally normal to perform experiments with scuba-diving mice.
“This may be the moment where Scott Baio started on the path to MAGA.”
“What is that backwards Millennium Falcon, Enterprise spaceship?”
“Barney and Peyton are actually the villains in this movie.”
What We Learned
Women + Whiskey = Devil’s Double Whammy
Fraternities ran rigged gambling operations in the 80’s
High school students working on experiments involving drugs and mice are given their own lab space with zero administrative oversight or access
There were cheerleaders at baseball games in the 80’s
The first thing to do when telekinetic powers are acquired is to cheat at sports, and then cheat at gambling (in that order)
If you pound 12 beers then win a contest on an amusement park ride to not throw up, you immediately become sober
Telekinesis sometimes allow you to manipulate matter and pass objects through solid glass.
Final Take
This was about what you would expect from an early 80’s raunchy high school teen comedy, back when sexual assault was hilarious (and aren’t these all supposed to be high school aged teenagers?). Scott Baio is cast as a genius who is given free rein in his high school’s science lab to perform dangerous experiments on mice, and through bumbling carelessness, stumbles upon a formula to give a mouse (and himself) telekinetic powers. I’m still not sure why the mouse didn’t use the powers to escape from the lab and take revenge on Barney (Scott Baio)– that would have made for a better movie I think. After many mean-spirted and illegal pranks and schemes later, Barney and Peyton learn their lesson, but not really. The climax of the movie is a obvious nod to Carrie, but instead of murdering his fellow students, Barney just rips off the clothes of all the girls with his mind powers. The main characters are truly despicable throughout and you hope that they get some sort of comeuppance, but never do.
The highlights of this one was the pervy baseball coach (and janitor?) Dex and the various hallucinations that occur throughout.
This movie was worth a few laughs and had gratuitous nudity, but was otherwise forgettable.
Starring: Michael DudikoffSteve JamesLarry Poindexter
Plot: On a remote Caribbean island, Army Ranger Joe Armstrong investigates the disappearance of several marines, which leads him to The Lion, a super-criminal who has kidnapped a local scientist and mass-produced an army of mutant Ninja warriors.
Rules
80’s signature brands/product placement
Absurd ninja skills (e.g. catching an arrow)
Short shorts
The Blind Beggar
Kicks to the face
“Armstrong”
Quotes
“Ninjas my ass!”
“And you, don’t get drunk and go puking on the pavement.”
“You want to be a big man you gotta learn how to eat, baby!”
“It’s that damn American Ninja. He fights like a tiger!”
“Catch that little weasel!”
Viewer Quotes
“These guys are as South African as you can possibly be.”
“Do the marines become the ninjas, or are they somehow involved in just creating the ninjas?”
“Their guns are so smoky.”
What We Learned
A cancer drug can also be used to create Super Ninjas.
Ninjas can throw arrows harder than they can be shot from a bow.
Final Take
Well, that was really hard to follow. There was a lot of ninja action but I never really understood why any of it was happening. It was enough to know that ninjas were attacking him for some reason at various points and he would of course have to kill them all. I can say with absolutely certainty that I will not remember this movie in the future. It was fine and enjoyable to laugh and drink to in the moment, but don’t expect much.
Starring: Michael Dudikoff, David Bradley, James Booth
Plot: CIA agent Sean Davidson and his sidekick Carl are sent into the stronghold of sadistic British ex-soldier Mulgrew to rescue some Delta Force commandoes who have been captured and tortured. When Sean, Carl and pretty doctor Sarah run into some problems, Peace Corps vet Joe Armstrong is lured out of retirement to stop Mulgrew’s plan to explode a nuclear device in New York City. (via IMDB)
Rules
Ninja flips
Red Ninja
“Big Blue Wrecking Crew”
“Mulgrew”
Sciency stuff
The colonel being sadistic
Ninja weapons
Quotes
“Tell my friend the devil I’m not ready to come home yet”
“I think all she needs is a stiff talking to.”
“Bloody priests? There are no priests. I shot them all months ago.”
Viewer Quotes
“Is that Ultraman?” “I think he’s the final boss.”
These guys look like they should be playing in the Star Wars bar”
What We Learned
Plural of ninja is ninja
Dudikoff’s heart is full of love and joy– he’s in the Peace Corps
There are sunshine ninjas in the day
Ninja robe color is primarily determined by race
There is a middle eastern sheik who is the leader of all ninjas
American ninja can do the Vulcan Neck Pinch
A good ninja compound has a stained glass umbrella room
Ninja can catch arrows in the mouth and spit them back to kill
Final Take
We seem to be determined to get through all of the American Ninja movies for some reason- more out of lack of better options I think. This was mildly entertaining, with Michael Dudikoff returning as the toughest ninja this side of South Africa… or also in South Africa. If cartoonish bad guys and ninjas are your thing, you might be 12 years old. But you might also enjoy this movie!
Plot: With his cop companion shot and killed by terrorists, Reno the Dog pairs up with tough cop Jake in thwarting the criminal organization. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Kid jumps something with his bike
Dog hijinks
CN says “damn dog”
Quotes:
“What partner? You know I always work alone.”
“You’re under arrest, Bozo.” (Said to a clown.)
Viewer Quotes:
“What kind of woman runs out of a burning building but leaves her baby? And in a position where a dog can pick it up in a blanket?”
“This is gratuitous clown play.”
Things We Learned:
Chuck Norris drinks a lot of Budweiser.
Chuck Norris’s house is too dirty for a dog.
Clown assassins can do cool flips but are terrible shots.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need a warrant.
Final Thought:
This was an utterly fascinating piece of cinema. The complete tonal contradiction between a violent Chuck Norris action movie where he’s fighting white nationalists, and a family friendly dog comedy is striking. They really thought that this was a good pairing of ideas? Who does this appeal to? The result is worth watching out of pure curiosity. It’s entertaining and odd from start to finish.
Plot: In a dystopian future, a cross country automobile race requires contestants to run down innocent pedestrians to gain points that are tallied based on each kill’s brutality.
Rules
“Frankenstein” (advanced rule)
Stupid futuristic backdrops
Car crashes
Shifting gears
Car kills
“Mr. President”
Quotes
“Get back there and retard the spark.”
“Well, those doctors – dear friends of mine – have been pretty smug all these years setting up the old folks. Frankenstein must have decided it was their turn.”
“That’s right, come get baby.”
“Fair is always right.”
“Turn off is coming up. Should I take it?” – “Who gives a god damn shit?”
“I’m sick of this race and I’m sick of you.”
“What does she expect? You leave your navigator lying around, naturally somebody’s gonna run over ’em.”
“I’m going to win this race in the name of hate. One big victory for hate.”
Viewer Quotes
“Oh my god, you guys, this is terrible.”
“I thought he was going to be the good guy.”
“I’m so appalled that I can’t stop watching.”
What We Learned
You get a lot of points for killing your own pit crew. But the elderly is worth the most.
The French are the main enemy of America in the year 2000.
You become president when you kill the old president.
Final Take
This one was kind of all over the place. The run time was something like 78 minutes but it felt like 2 hours. It had the kind of absurd dark humor of a movie like Robocop or Mad Max, but then would take some parts seriously when it probably should have just avoided anything like that. It was mostly enjoyable, but I feel like this is one I won’t clearly remember for very long.
Starring: Munro Chambers, Laurence Leboeuf, Michael Ironside
Plot: In a post-apocalyptic future, THE KID, a young solitary scavenger obsessed with comic books must face his fears and become a reluctant hero when he meets a mysterious girl named APPLE. Despite their efforts to keep to themselves, ZEUS, the sadistic and self-proclaimed leader of the Wasteland, plagues THE KID and APPLE. Armed with little more than blind faith and an ancient turbocharged weapon, THE KID learns of justice and friendship and embarks on an incredible journey to rid the Wasteland of evil and save the girl of his dreams. (via IMDB)
Rules
Helmet on or off
80’s throwback items or imagery
Eye patch
Water or resource scarcity
Quotes
“Bagu- the water- it’s people!“
“Feel the wrath of Mr. Gnome!!”
“Your manly bubble is really comfortable.”
“Personal Bubble… Family only.”
“The rat did that?” “It was a vicious rat.”
Viewer Quotes
“Lesson here is don’t put your face near the weird mutant rat.”
“Holy crap this is getting good.” (after finding Turbo gear)
“It’s like bringing a fist gun to a laser fight.”
What We Learned
Evil level in robots depends on the model.
Robots have video game hearts to indicate their life
If you tape a robot head to a body, everything works.
A man doesn’t know how strong he is until being strong is the only choice he has.
Umbrellas are deadly weapons
Final Take
Every once in a while you stumble across a random movie that hits the mark for Bad Movie Thursday- and this is one of them. Decent acting, budget, effects, gore and it successfully pulled off the Rad-meets-Mad-Max 80’s vibes. A good watch, and we recommend!
Notable Soundtrack / Songs
“Thunder in Your Heart” by John Farnham (from RAD)
Starring: A guy who does Speed Stick commercials, the girl from The Flash, and a bit of C. Thomas Howell
Plot: A chemical accident turns ordinary donuts into blood thirsty killers. Now it’s up to Johnny, Michelle and Howard to save their sleepy town from…Killer Donuts. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Show Dandy Donuts sign
Donuts eating someone
Quotes:
“Please never enter my lair when my door is locked.”
“Damn that acid is kicking in.”
While having sex… “You’re the clam in my chowder baby.”
“You’re not remotely disturbed by the fact that I just hit this guy with my car at 60 miles an hour, he survived, looked like a zombie, then shat his guts out, glowing green radioactive shit, in case you guys missed that part, before plopping over and dropping dead?”
“Ball on fire man! Ball on fire!”
“Just give us enough pink stuff to kill the donuts.”
Viewer Quotes:
“Why is this scene happening at all?”
“Getting eaten by a donut… it’s a terrible way to go.”
Things We Learned:
Donuts have a random eject button from the fryer, and the donuts come out fully glazed.
Donuts can drive a car.
Final Thought:
It was ok. It definitely owes a lot to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”. So, it’s got that going for it. It also has C. Thomas Howell, which is another bonus. But it doesn’t really go over the top with the potential it has.
“What’s the plan?” – “See that phone? We’re going to sit here and pray it don’t ring.”
“Pretty sure that saying is protect and serve.”
“Put your balls on, Evan, we’re going to Willy’s.”
Viewer Quotes
“Is this a Weekend at Bernie’s situation? Is Nicolas Cage dead through all this and they’re just puppeting his body?”
“I like that he wasn’t the least bit surprised by this thing coming to life and attacking him. It’s like he knew.”
“This is something. I can’t believe he’s just going back to work cleaning after this thing started to kill him.”
“They should be giving him $5000 for this cleaning job. This is like a Kitchen Nightmare situation.”
“What is your life like where you’re not surprised by anything happening here.”
“By the way, there are no vents anywhere that are this big.”
“This guy’s related to James Van Der Beek, right?”
“He never had anything to say and they never explained it.”
What We Learned
Nothing we didn’t already know.
Don’t spend the night in some run-down building in exchange for anything.
Don’t separate from the group.
Don’t have sex in the kill room.
Don’t accept sacrificing victims to satanic robots instead of just destroying those robots.
Don’t do a movie where you have the most camera time and no lines.
Final Take
This was definitely worth it, enjoyable all the way around. Totally inexplicable in a lot of ways, too, so you just kind of have to roll with that part. Why does this guy never talk, and why is he not surprised by what’s happening to him? Never mind any of that. Just don’t think too hard and it will be a good time.
Starring: There was apparently a dude from Teen Wolf.
Plot: Santa turns into a Werewolf on Christmas Eve.
Rules:
General Britisisms
Say “Happy Christmas”
Disembowelments
Quotes:
“He’s in a band called I Piss on Your Soul.”
“Oh my God, I saw a penis.”
“Rupert, go deep throat an ice cream cone.”
“Rupert, I can feel when the camera is on my arse.”
“I have a dead tramp’s eyeball on my car.”
Viewer quotes:
“Why are they in a haunted house?”
“I’ve forgotten this movie as we’re literally watching it.”
“This is how I want to go out… screaming at my daughter asking her to kill me.”
Things We Learned:
You have to do something in your life to earn having bright red hair.
Santa has a cheap crappy sleigh.
Doggers are couples who like swinging in the woods.
If you kill the alpha werewolf first, then all the others will turn back.
Final Take:
Between the bubble machine that randomly shoots bubbles to look like snow and Santa’s sleigh that looks like a cardboard box with a dollar store set of Xmas lights on it, this movie really spares all expense. It wasn’t terrible, but there are some scenes with not much going on that brings everything to a crawl. I wouldn’t say I’d avoid it, but I can’t recommend it either.
Bad Movie Thursday 