14
Dec
18

Death Race 4: Beyond Anarchy

DeathRaceAnarchy

Date Watched: 12/13/18

Starring: Danny Trejo, Danny Glover, retreads from Mad Max

Plot: If you’ve seen one Death Race, you should already know the plot here.  Drivers, racing, Frankenstein is the best, people want to beat him.

Rules

  • “Frankenstein”
  • Gratuitous violence
  • “Death Race”
  • T & A
  • Frankenstein walking in slow motion
  • Advanced rule: “Convict”
  • Race scene: Cars flipping in the air.
  • Race scene: Spectators getting killed
  • Race scene: Gear shifting

Quotes

  • “Rest assured, there are no virgins in these walls, because life has fucked you all.”
  • “Best advice, learn how to run.  Learn how to fight.”
  • “If I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it.”
  • “Let me whack him, Frank.  He’s nothing but a couple drops of jizz sprouted from a shit-filled crack in the sidewalk.”
  • “I’ve heard of you.  You euthanized over 400 people.”  –  “Not all of them were dying.  Some were just living inconsequential lives and as such were considered already dead.”
  • “That pretty boy can fight.”  –  “Yah, but can he drive.”  –  “Who cares?  I just want to know if he fucks like he fights.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Who would you be in the Sprawl?”  –  “I’d be the clown guy.  The mime, jester guy.”  –  “I’d be one of those guys cleaning up the crash victims.”  –  “I’d be playing the guitar on the front of that flaming truck.”
  • “We should all have names like that.  Milkwaukie Mike.  Alabama Adam.  Green Bay Graham.  Syracuse Shelly.”  –  “What?  I’m not even watching!”
  • “I would have thought having no shirt in a situation like this would be a severe disadvantage.  I mean, these guys have armor on.”
  • “This is just ridiculous, in a lot of ways.”
  • “Already at 200+ mph and he downshifts again.  How many gears does this car have?”

Things We Learned

  • Convicts reason like 3 year olds.
  • 10% of the population of the Sprawl dies every year.
  • Danny Trejo is 74 years old.  74 mf-ing years old.

Final Take: Not bad.  Not bad at all.  There was a minor twist on the Death Race formula.  It was overly gratuitous, which was necessary for a movie like this.  There was a bit too much character development/exposition, but if you can get through that you’ll find a mildly entertaining movie.

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16
Nov
18

Warlock 3: The End of Innocence

warlock3

Date Watched: 11/15/18

Starring: Bruce Payne, Ashley Laurence?

PlotCollege students encounter a warlock, who looks a lot like the previous warlock but works for less money, probably.  These students have almost nothing in common but are friends for some reason.  All hell breaks loose.

Rules

  • The ending of “innocence” (open to interpretation)
  • Bad music and scene transitions
  • The house kills someone
  • “Warlock” (someone says warlock)
  • Visions with screeching eagles
  • Warlock spells

Quotes

  • “I don’t know, this place is kind of a dump, but it actually kind of rocks, dontcha think?”
  • “The contents were rather vague.  We need a new mule.  The butter churn is broken.”
  • “A man is never more a man than when he loves a woman.”
  • “I don’t want to be a player in someone else’s dream.”
  • “This is one sickly bunch.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “All this information was relayed to her in that one 20 second phone conversation?”
  • “Her friends are obviously going to show up here, and surprise her, so they can be killed.”
  • “I wouldn’t look away.  Likely to get goat-hooved in the face.”  –  “I had an uncle go the same way.”

Things We Learned

  • Haunted, vacant homes have clean linens everywhere.
  • Lucifer will never let you down.
  • Your friends will likely give you to a warlock if pushed far enough.
  • The only way to kill a warlock is with a knife hidden inside of a doll.
  • A vision with an eagle screech has great meaning.

Final Take: Not bad, but primarily filmed in one location like too many low-budget movies.  None of the actors were any good, and each of them was like a caricature of a mid-90’s gen x’er.  The best we can say is it wasn’t entirely boring, and it did hold the attention most of the way through.

 

 

 

26
Oct
18

211

Viewing Date: 10/25/18

Starring: Nic Cage, Sophie Skelton, Wes Cage Coppola (Nic’s son)

Plot: Inspired by one of the longest and bloodiest real-life events in police history. Officer Mike Chandler (Nicolas Cage) and a young civilian passenger find themselves under-prepared and outgunned when fate puts them squarely in the crosshairs of a daring bank heist in progress by a fearless team of highly trained and heavily armed men. (via Rotten Tomatoes)

Rules

  • “Chesterford”
  • Terrible accents
  • Shooting / killing innocent civilians

Quotes

  • “They pushed me into the toilet so I came out and swung.”  “I would have done the same thing.”
  • “Bull’s eye!”
  • “They make plans against the planner, and turn your trap into an escape route.”
  • “Hey Kenny, where’s that phone you’re always screwing around with?  I’m going to take some new pics.”

What We Learned

  • They use Sony cell phones in Bulgaria.
  • If you’re a band of mercenaries looking for payback on money that is owed, you just need the name a random bank that may have been involved….  and then rob it.
05
Oct
18

Day of the Dead: Bloodline

Image result for day of the dead bloodline

Viewing Date: 10/4/18

Starring: Zombies

Plot: A small group of military personnel and survivalists dwell in an underground bunker as they seek to find a cure in a world overrun by zombies. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Bodies exploding after being attacked by a zombie
  • “Science”
  • Blood / zombie blood on the camera lens

Quotes

  • “What do you miss?  Ice cream sundaes?  Chicken nuggets?”  “I miss people shutting the fuck up.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Oh I hope he eats some kids!”

What We Learned

  • Rapists are immune to the zombie virus.
  • It would be better for any actors / actresses to just use their own native accent than botch an American accent.  The audience will care less, we promise.
21
Sep
18

Tremors: A Cold Day In Hell

tremors_colddayinhell

Date Watched: 09/20/18

Starring: Michael Gross, Jamie Kennedy, Tremor O’Neill

Plot: Graboids are attacking people in a desert, that also may supposed to be a snow-field.  Time to suit up.

Rules

  • “Graboids” or “Assblaster”
  • Nods to Oregon
  • Severed limbs/body parts

Quotes

  • “Hell, I’m hotter than a .50 cal on full auto.”
  • “From one kill-site, we recovered a severed head, a torso, and a half-eaten testicle.”
  • “That flaming sphincter is on the roof.”
  • “Get back here!  Don’t follow stupid with stupid.”
  • “Oh come on.  If you’re going to piss like a puppy, stay on the porch.”
  • “My balls are in the guiness book of balls.”
  • “At least the gland wasn’t in the prostate.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Did he crap his pants or something?” – “Did he have an assblaster?”
  • “I one day hope to high-five Jamie Kennedy for some reason.”

Things We Learned

  • You can fly over Canada and land in California
  • Assblasters explode when you shoot them in the ass.
  • Don’t let the urgent get in the way of the important.
  • It’s impossible to count the graboids without a seismic vibration monitor.
  • Blood ain’t thicker than ammo.

Final TakeIt’s exactly what you’d expect.  You should know what you’re getting yourself into by now.

30
Aug
18

Hardcore Henry (2015)

Hardcore Henry

Viewing Date:  8/30/18

Starring:  Sharlto Copley, Tim Roth, and you (as Henry)

Plot:  Henry is resurrected from death with no memory, and he must save his wife from a telekinetic warlord with a plan to bio-engineer soldiers.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Every time they say “Henry”
  • Every time Henry falls down
  • Video game clichés
  • Screen glitches

Quotes:

  • “All you got to do is pull out his f&cking heart and eat it.”
  • “You’re half machine, half p&ssy.”
  • “Hi, I’m a f&ckin’ car baby.  Lexus convertible.”
  • “How sweet, if I took this moment and put it in a cup of tea, I wouldn’t need sugar.”
  • “Put the proto baby down.”
  • “As my father used to say, a grenade a day keeps the doctor away.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This is all a f&cking video game.”
  • “Is that Mathew McConaughey?”
  • “That’s the way I’d want to go out… in a dance fight.”

Things we learned:

  • Telekinetic bad guys like to masturbate using a baseball bat.
  • Sharlto Copley likes drugs.  A lot.  And he dies a lot too.

Final Take:

It’s not a perfect movie by any means, but it is truly weird enough to recommend.  The FPS (First Person Shooter) perspective can be off putting at times.  In general though, there’s always something going on, and the overall strangeness and Sharlto Copley going all in on his role really makes this a pretty solid BMT flick.

17
Aug
18

Another Wolf Cop

Image result for another wolfcop

Viewing Date: 8/16/18

Staring: Leo Fafard, Amy Matysio, Kevin Smith (uncredited???)

Plot:  Alcoholic werewolf cop Lou Garou springs into action when an eccentric businessman with evil intentions seduces Woodhaven’s residents with a new brewery and hockey team in this outrageous horror-comedy sequel.

Rules:

  • Say “Wolf”, “Wolfcop”
  • Say “Chicken Milk”

Quotes:

  • “For fuck sake.  Someone stole our donuts.”
  • “I’ll be good to you.”
  • “Lou.  You’re a wolf…”  “Cop.”
  • “Watch your sassy mouth.”
  • “You wouldn’t happen to have a beer handy would you?”  “Thank God.”
  • “It’s time to die, you strange animal.”
  • “I’m glad you’re better man, but I still don’t approve of this shit.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “How much cocaine was done during the filming of this movie?”

What We Learned:

  • Wolfcop revels in other people’s suffering.
  • Moon rocks are like cocaine to werewolves…  Or maybe it was just real cocaine.
  • Don’t drink Chicken Milk Stout.