21
Jan
22

Hellbound

Date Watched: 1/20/2022

Starring: Only Chuck Norris

Plot: Two Chicago cops (Chuck Norris, Calvin Levels) investigate a murder until they encounter an ancient demon.

Rules

  • Biblical References
  • Chuck’s round house kicks (or kicks in general)
  • “Prosatanos”
  • “Shatter” (Advanced)
  • Jackson talks about food

Quotes

  • “Oh Shit! His heart’s gone!” – “No it’s not, it’s right there.”
  • “Hey Frank, do you want to go back to Chicago and play good cop/bad cop with our pimps and hookers?”
  • “Eat this!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Chuck Norris plays the role of ‘Consatanos’ in this one.”
  • “He’d better roundhouse kick someone soon, I swear.”
  • “What has Prosatanos been doing this past 40 years? Not building a massive army of followers and growing his power, just hanging out in Chicago sleeping with hookers.”

Things We Learned

  • The devil (or demon spawn) is named Todd
  • Throwing a heart at Chuck Norris is a great way to introduce yourself.
  • Chuck Norris would steal money from his own partner.

Final Take: This movie started out really well, but faded quite a bit in the middle. There were almost no Chuck Norris round-house kicks through most of the movie, which seems like a real waste of talent. That said, it has a memorable villain and does tie it all up with a decent ending, but all in all it’s a fairly forgettable Norris affair.

10
Jan
22

Mac and Me (1988)

Viewing Date: 12/02/21

Starring: Paul Rudd 😉

Plot: An alien trying to escape from NASA is befriended by a wheelchair-bound boy.

Rules

  • Product Placement
  • Alien whistles (advanced rule)
  • Cartoonish alien distortion/action

Movie Quotes

  • “You sucked this living thing into a vacuum cleaner?”
  • “I bet he’s trying to tell us where he came from.” “A Wickes Furniture store?!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This is a lot of whistling, by the way.”
  • Their mouths look like sphincters.”
  • “It doesn’t even look like workout gear. It looks like she’s running to her nursing job.”
  • “That’s the creepiest teddy bear I’ve ever seen.”
  • “What is happening in this McDonalds?!”

What We Learned

  • Aliens drink Coke
  • You can also revive an alien with Coke
  • MAC stands for Mysterious Alien Creature
  • ADUI- Alien Driving Under the Influence
  • In the 80’s, you had normal, horizontal house blinds in your car windows.
  • Aliens can be vacuumed up.
  • Aliens are fire proof

Final Take

05
Jan
22

The Last Thanksgiving (2020)

Review] "The Last Thanksgiving": A Horror Sure To Satisfy your Turkey Day  Appetite - Gruesome Magazine

Viewing Date: 11/18/21

Starring: No one. Seriously- IMDB lists all actors in alphabetical order, so no one really gets top billing.

Plot: A family of cannibalistic pilgrims attacks a restaurant that stays open for Thanksgiving.

Rules

  • Thanksgiving tropes
  • “Thanksgiving”
  • WTF moments (plenty of them, so use this at your discretion)
  • Lisa Marie acting bitchy

Quotes

  • “Everyone called my Sharty Metabernackle!”
  • “See food… Get it?!”
  • “The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.” “You’re not black.” “Is that what that means?”
  • “All I’m good at is being a nasty bitch.”

What We Learned

  • If your sandwich needs more flavor, cut yourself and add blood
  • Adams family values is the best Thanksgiving movie
  • Nothing is more American than cannibalism

Final Take

Tis the season for holiday themed movies, and there aren’t many Thanksgiving horror movies, so we need to dig deep (already watched all the Thankskillings, etc). Premise is straight forward- a family of cannibals searches for people that aren’t respecting (?) Thanksgiving values each year and murders and eats them. I’m not sure how much they actually abide by this- so if the employees at the restaurant actually want to be with their families to celebrate, would they let them go? I realize I’m overthinking this- its just a thin premise to explain the cannibalistic behavior. Some funny, cringy moments, but otherwise exactly what you’d expect.

04
Nov
21

Thrashin’ (1986)

Date Watched: 11/4/21

Starring: Thanos aka Josh Brolin

Plot:

Two skateboarding gangs battle each other for supremacy, and a member of one gang falls in love with the sister of his rival. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Skater tricks
  • Skater lingo
  • Product Placement

Quotes:

  • “Rad”
  • “Gnarly”
  • “That’s Hungarian for fast car”
  • “I hope you don’t get laid!”
  • Q: “What do you guys do?”… A: “Thrash”
  • “That wild Indian picture happens to be stylin'”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “There are no shits given with this movie.”
  • “That rattail is disgusting!”
  • “I played this level on Tony Hawk.”

Things We Learned:

  • The Red Hot Chili Peppers started out playing random 80’s skateboarding clubs.
  • The best way to fuck up a skateboarder in a downhill competition is to throw jacks into their path and no one will notice.
  • Geez aka Mr. Cliff invented skateboarding.
  • The best way to come to a job interview is with your shirt open.

Final Take:

This movie was actually really enjoyable and way better than I thought it would be. It was entertaining from start to finish and did a great job highlighting the absurdity of the 80’s. I’d highly recommend it if you’re looking for a cheesy 80’s movie.

22
Oct
21

Bingo Hell

Date Watched: 10/21/2021

Starring: Adriana Barazza, Richard Brake

Plot: In the Barrio of Oak Springs live a strong and stubborn group of elderly friends who refuse to be gentrified. Their leader, Lupita, keeps them together as a community, a family. But little did they know, their beloved Bingo hall is about to be sold to a much more powerful force than money itself.

Rules

  • Bingoisms
  • “Oak Springs”
  • The Goop

Quotes

  • “And for your information, I prefer store-bought to this liquid cat shit.”
  • “Welcome to Oak Springs, motherfucker!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Is this a horror movie or is this an old woman’s barber shop?”

Things We Learned

  • The devil operates through bingo halls.
  • The devil is filled with green goop.
  • You don’t fuck with Oak Springs
  • You can kill the devil by burning money.

Final Take: This movie was a slow burn. It was a long buildup to a few ultra-violent scenes. It did not make bingo look any classier. There was a bit of a message about consumerism and gambling that didn’t quite lend itself to light-hearted drinking and laughing, but overall it was memorable. And the rules worked out pretty well.

30
Sep
21

Missionary Man

Missionary Man (2007) - IMDb

Viewing Date: Sep 30, 2021

Starring: Dolph Lundgren (who also wrote and directed), Kateri Walker, Chelsea Ricketts, Matthew Tompkins

Plot

A lone biker rides into town in the aftermath of the death of his good friend J.J. Once there Ryder discovers that his friend didn’t die but was murdered by a local businessman who would let nothing stand in the way of his plans to build a state of the art casino on Indian reservation land. On a mission of justice Ryder confronts and defeats Reno and his men in a tour de force show down where the one (Ryder) vanquishes the many. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Native American references
  • Bible (reference, Dolph reading it, etc)
  • “Boss”
  • Sheriff drinks from flask
  • “Reno”

Quotes

  • “They drowned someone in the river- if you know what I mean.”
  • “She was meant to call me Jeff but she was so drunk with a busted jaw… that it came out Jarfe. She died moments later.”

“They drowned someone in the river- if you know what I mean.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “She wants to get Dolphed”
  • “That looks fun. I’d like to throw some incendiary grenades in a boat.”

What We Learned

  • Dolph drinks a tequila with no lime and no salt.
  • The ancestors told of a man from the North who would save them- and that man was Dolph Lundgren
  • Dolph is the savior

Final Take

An enjoyable Dolph Lundren written and directed piece which is a retelling of Pale Rider- or maybe Ghost Rider from the comics (avenging spirit who rides a motorcycle). Some good action, cartoonish bad guys who run the town (think Road House), and a lot of killing. Jarfe was a good character, but should have known better to get into the war with Dolph based on his initial interaction with the clownish crime boss, John Reno. Look for it on amazon Prime!

16
Sep
21

Warrior Queen (1987)

Date Watched: 9/16/21

Starring: Donald Pleasance

Plot: In ancient Pompeii, slaves are bought and sold for household chores and sex. A mysterious queen moves among the elite, while secretly helping the slaves to escape.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Say “Pompeii”
  • Stupid long white fans (aka a Flabellum or Flabella for plural)
  • Volcanoes
  • Strange competitions

Quotes:

  • “Give me Money!”
  • “Have some pig, pig.”
  • “Veneria, you’ve become a pathetic old whore.”
  • “That’s my disgusting wife.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • After a guy gets his eyes poked out, “Bet he didn’t see that coming.”
  • “Gladiator totally ripped this off.”
  • “Veneria, is that like a venereal disease (in regards to the character’s name)?”

Things We Learned:

  • Men can keep their underwear on when they get hanged upside down but women cannot.
  • Romans did backwards arm wrestling with a poison spike.

Final Take:

This movie is a bit hard to rate.  On the one hand, it’s an absolute cinematic car crash worth seeing for its absolute ineptitude on every level.  We had no idea what was going on for most of the movie.  There was a Warrior Queen?  Really?  There were also several odd competitions like we were watching an early Roman addition of Survivor.  And, everything culminates into a virtual medley of stock footage volcanoes erupting.  The real problem with this movie (in terms of making it watchable as a BMT movie) is that it’s so mean spirited.  It’s not really fun, and I would highly recommend watching something like Deathstalker 2 instead that’s somewhat similar to this.

03
Sep
21

Kill Chain

Date Watched: 9/2/2021

Starring: The Nic Cage

Plot: Three strangers’ lives are inevitably entangled in a conflict none of them are prepared for.

Rules

  • Rice Cookers, or rice related references
  • Scope Vision (advanced)
  • Dead Assassins
  • Cage saying “cage”

Quotes

  • “I fall into you knowing full well there’s going to be a hard landing.”

Viewer Quotes

  • This is not a quotable movie at all.
  • This is the kind of movie I’ll wake up with no memory of the next morning.
  • “What kind of music is this?” – “This is like two bums happening upon instruments in a dark alley.”

Things We Learned

  • Nobody steals a stripped car
  • What Nic Cage does best is set up kill chains.

Final Take: This movie was trying to be too smart for its own good. It was convoluted and overly complicated, which is not a great recipe for a bad movie thursday hit. There were some good “Nic Cage” moments, on the crazy/bad end of the spectrum, but definitely the most watchable moments of the whole thing. As was quoted above, I probably won’t remember too much of this movie in the morning. Pretty forgettable.

12
Aug
21

Escape Plan 3: The Extractors

Escape Plan: The Extractors - Wikipedia

Viewing Date: Aug 12, 2021

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Dave Bautista, Jin Zhang, Harry Shum Jr, Devon Sava, 50 Cent

Plot: The daughter of a Hong Kong tech executive goes missing in what appears to be a routine ransom job. As Breslin and his crew delve deeper, they discover the culprit is the deranged son of one of their former foes, who also kidnapped Breslin’s love and is holding her inside the massive prison known as Devil’s Station. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Product Placements
  • “Zhang”
  • “Wong” (also applies to bad puns from the viewers)
  • “Chine”
  • Stallone goes full Rambo

Viewer Quotes

  • “You messed with the Wong guy.” (and about 10 more like this)

What We Learned

  • Body guards don’t need to be armed, only Ray Breslen
  • 80 year old Sly Stallone is still jacked and can kill people with his bare hands.
  • Not to watch a 4th ‘Escape Plan’, if they decide to make one.

Final Take: This was just a bad movie, but not in a good way. Not much to write about because it was another formulaic, thin plotted action movie where Sly and friends took a pay day for a movie targeting the China market. I think 50 Cent was in one scene, although had one of the top billings of the cast (in the US at least). Dave Bautista was reliably entertaining as the one man wrecking crew, and Sly did have a decent final fight scene. Beyond that… terrible. I did see that this movie may have set a record for having so much of the film as production information (90 seconds of production company logos and nearly 9 mins of credits), so 11.7% of the run time of the film. That’s got to be something- right?

29
Jul
21

Escape Plan 2: Hades (2018)

Date watched: 7/29/21

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Dave Bautista, Xiaoming Huang (really the star of the movie), 50 cent (no vitamin water seen in the movie), kid from Desperate Housewives,  Amos from the Expanse

Plot: Years after he fought his way out of an inescapable prison, Ray Breslin has organized a new top-notch security force. But when one of his team members goes missing, Breslin must return to the hell he once escaped from. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Algorithm”
  • Say “1764”
  • Product placement
  • Say “All prisoners return to your spoke”

Quotes:

  • “I need you to kick my ass.”
  • “Turns out the doctor is a lamp stand.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This movie feels a lot like Major League Soccer.  The league’s in China and we send them all of our aging stars out for one last paycheck.”
  • “Sly looks like he’s wearing a wax mask…  Or a Reagan mask.”

Things We Learned:

  • There’s an algorithm you can use to deal with terrorist extractions… but never trust it.
  • The best way to share confidential information is on sticky notes.
  • The best way to build an inescapable prison is to have one that rotates.  But it doesn’t matter, as Sly will find a way out.

Final Take:

This was pretty silly and painless.  It’s certainly not a classic, but it went down easy.  (Much like Coors Light on a boat on the lake in the summer while listening to Michael McDonald.) 




January 2022
M T W T F S S
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31