16
Sep
21

Warrior Queen (1987)

Date Watched: 9/16/21

Starring: Donald Pleasance

Plot: In ancient Pompeii, slaves are bought and sold for household chores and sex. A mysterious queen moves among the elite, while secretly helping the slaves to escape.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Say “Pompeii”
  • Stupid long white fans (aka a Flabellum or Flabella for plural)
  • Volcanoes
  • Strange competitions

Quotes:

  • “Give me Money!”
  • “Have some pig, pig.”
  • “Veneria, you’ve become a pathetic old whore.”
  • “That’s my disgusting wife.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • After a guy gets his eyes poked out, “Bet he didn’t see that coming.”
  • “Gladiator totally ripped this off.”
  • “Veneria, is that like a venereal disease (in regards to the character’s name)?”

Things We Learned:

  • Men can keep their underwear on when they get hanged upside down but women cannot.
  • Romans did backwards arm wrestling with a poison spike.

Final Take:

This movie is a bit hard to rate.  On the one hand, it’s an absolute cinematic car crash worth seeing for its absolute ineptitude on every level.  We had no idea what was going on for most of the movie.  There was a Warrior Queen?  Really?  There were also several odd competitions like we were watching an early Roman addition of Survivor.  And, everything culminates into a virtual medley of stock footage volcanoes erupting.  The real problem with this movie (in terms of making it watchable as a BMT movie) is that it’s so mean spirited.  It’s not really fun, and I would highly recommend watching something like Deathstalker 2 instead that’s somewhat similar to this.

03
Sep
21

Kill Chain

Date Watched: 9/2/2021

Starring: The Nic Cage

Plot: Three strangers’ lives are inevitably entangled in a conflict none of them are prepared for.

Rules

  • Rice Cookers, or rice related references
  • Scope Vision (advanced)
  • Dead Assassins
  • Cage saying “cage”

Quotes

  • “I fall into you knowing full well there’s going to be a hard landing.”

Viewer Quotes

  • This is not a quotable movie at all.
  • This is the kind of movie I’ll wake up with no memory of the next morning.
  • “What kind of music is this?” – “This is like two bums happening upon instruments in a dark alley.”

Things We Learned

  • Nobody steals a stripped car
  • What Nic Cage does best is set up kill chains.

Final Take: This movie was trying to be too smart for its own good. It was convoluted and overly complicated, which is not a great recipe for a bad movie thursday hit. There were some good “Nic Cage” moments, on the crazy/bad end of the spectrum, but definitely the most watchable moments of the whole thing. As was quoted above, I probably won’t remember too much of this movie in the morning. Pretty forgettable.

11
Aug
21

Escape Plan 2: Hades (2018)

Date watched: 7/29/21

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Dave Bautista, Xiaoming Huang (really the star of the movie), 50 cent (no vitamin water seen in the movie), kid from Desperate Housewives,  Amos from the Expanse

Plot: Years after he fought his way out of an inescapable prison, Ray Breslin has organized a new top-notch security force. But when one of his team members goes missing, Breslin must return to the hell he once escaped from. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Algorithm”
  • Say “1764”
  • Product placement
  • Say “All prisoners return to your spoke”

Quotes:

  • “I need you to kick my ass.”
  • “Turns out the doctor is a lamp stand.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This movie feels a lot like Major League Soccer.  The league’s in China and we send them all of our aging stars out for one last paycheck.”
  • “Sly looks like he’s wearing a wax mask…  Or a Reagan mask.”

Things We Learned:

  • There’s an algorithm you can use to deal with terrorist extractions… but never trust it.
  • The best way to share confidential information is on sticky notes.
  • The best way to build an inescapable prison is to have one that rotates.  But it doesn’t matter, as Sly will find a way out.

Final Take:

This was pretty silly and painless.  It’s certainly not a classic, but it went down easy.  (Much like Coors Light on a boat on the lake in the summer while listening to Michael McDonald.) 

18
Jun
21

C.H.U.D.

Date Watched: 6/17/2021

Starring: Dad from Home Alone, and one of the Wet Bandits

Plot: Homeless people that live in the sewers are disappearing, and something terrifying might be killing them. CHUDs!

Rules

  • References to the “underground”.
  • Homeless people
  • CHUD attack
  • References to radiation

Quotes

  • “It’s buck dancers choice, my friend.”
  • “We don’t have to listen to the lunatic ravings of this paranoid hippie.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This guy’s wearing a full Canadian tuxedo.” – “What is that, scrubs?”

Things We Learned

  • In the 80’s, when a woman gets a call from the doctor, she’s pregnant.
  • You can intimidate people by eating their payphone change.
  • In the 80’s, going to the papers was the biggest threat of all. These days it means nothing.
  • New York apartments have access panels to the sewers.

Final Take: This was a decent Thursday movie. Definitely kept my attention, and the rules worked to keep a steady flow of beer going. There was a surprisingly strong cast involved in this one, and a plot involving corrupt politicians that still seems relevant. Not too shabby.

04
Jun
21

Congo

Date Watched: 6/3/2021

Starring: Tim Curry, Bruce Campbell, Laura Linney

Plot: When an expedition to the African Congo ends in disaster, a new team is assembled to find out what went wrong.

Rules

  • “Amy” (advanced rule)
  • The eye symbol
  • Amy smokes or drinks

Quotes

  • “I don’t have a price. I’m not a pound of sugar. I’m a primatologist.”
  • “Who are those guys?” – “Fuck if I know, and it don’t pay to ask. We’re on our third government in 2 years.”
  • “Solomon must have gotten his diamonds from Cartier, just like the rest of us.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Wow, that’s quite an accent.”
  • “Does anyone care if a snake is harmed in the filming of a movie?” – “I don’t know… Jake the snake Roberts?”
  • “She’s presenting! Smell… my… anus…”

Things We Learned

  • Apes are allowed one martini to calm them down.
  • You can use flares to trigger heat-seeking missiles.
  • Monkeys all mate under a full moon.
  • Hippos will attack boats indiscriminately at night.

Final Take:

It was fine.

07
May
21

Virtual Combat

Date Watched: 5/6/2021

Starring: Don “The Dragon” Wilson

Plot: Scientist brings virtual reality characters to life. Two are women from the cybersex game site. The third is a warrior who wants to unleash the rest of the bad guys from the virtual reality underworld. A border cop must defeat the virtual reality warrior while learning to relate to one of the cybersex babes.

Rules

  • Computer Voice
  • Computer lingo that doesn’t make sense
  • Using the stupid flip phone.
  • Dante kills someone

Quotes

  • “I’m in training for the tight-ass olympics.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Let’s make a phone out of a travel battleship game!”
  • “Is ‘back to life’ the right terminology? They’ve never been alive.”

Things We Learned

  • The ground floor of Excalibur is a cybersex hub.
  • “Software robbers” are totally ripped gangsters instead of just nerds living in their mom’s basements.
  • In the future, a taser is actually a laser.
  • You can create a physical copy of a program by copying it from MD-Rom to disc.
  • You can’t beat a computer at a computer game.
  • 500 PSI will kill a-lifers.

Final Take: A pretty poor copy of Virtuosity, and a shameless cash-in on the weird virtual reality craze of the time. This film has not aged very well, now that we’re living in the times they were projecting for us. The plot is hard to follow, the action is slow and poorly choreographed, and there’s probably not quite enough T & A to justify the rating. It’s entertaining as long as you’re drinking beers with friends, but will likely fade from memory as soon as the credits roll past.

16
Apr
21

Guns

Guns (1990) - IMDb

Viewing Date: 4/15/21

Starring: Erik Estrada, Danny Trejo, Dona Speir, Bruce Penhall

Plot: Juan Degas is the Jack of Diamonds, a nefarious armsmonger who intends to smuggle a big quantity of a new state-of-the-art weapon into America through Hawaii. In order to do so, Degas desperately needs to come up with a clever scheme to get out of his way the Agents who threaten the success of his plans. With the intention to liquidate both L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents Donna and Nicole, Degas’ assassins manage to engage them in a dangerous, fast-paced chase that will eventually lead them to Las Vegas, thousands of miles away. However, when Degas’ men abduct Donna’s mother, it will be his biggest mistake because, from that point on, things are about to get personal. Hungry for revenge, Donna armed with a devastating rocket launcher, she will have to go through stealthy ninja assassins and radio-controlled scale boats loaded with explosives to protect her family. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Gambling references
  • Hawaiian Landmarks
  • Cross Dressing
  • Different “moods” of music (requires subtitles on)
  • Remote control vehicles

Quotes

  • “Restaurant owner by day, secret agent by night”
  • “Baking bread to busting heads.”
  • “Don’t just do something. Stand there!”
  • “That mother is a bitch.” “That bitch is my mother.”
  • “That’s what’s known as a plan” (mansplaining)
  • “You know the type. Loose hips, wet lips.”
  • “Hiyah my ass!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “You’re going in a little aggressive dude.” “He’s the Jack of Diamonds.”

What We Learned

  • Getting busy on a motorcycle is a good time.
  • If you’re a secret agent, you need a side hustle– but note they can widely vary in level of responsibility (run a hotel on the Las Vegas strip or be a stripper)
  • Reflections in a mirror can be very confusing to tell which person is real- even if the person is standing right in the doorway (let’s not even consider the angles and mirrors required to create such an “illusion”).
  • Don’t play with guns, they aren’t much fun.
  • Bud light and a grenade is the best way to kill a magician.
  • Hit men are into cross-dressing

Final Take

Andy Sidaris movies have really become our go-to when we don’t have anything in mind and can’t quickly find something through Amazon Prime. You know exactly what you’re getting with a Sidaris movie, but for Bad Movie Thursday, that is a good thing: gratuitous nudity, a mind-numbingly stupid plot, remote control vehicles, decent entertaining action sequences with explosions, and bad (but quotable) dialogue. I can’t really say if this one was any better or worse than any of the other Sidaris movies (same basic plot, same actors, etc, but Guns does have the bonus of featuring Bad Movie Thursday Hall-of-Famer Danny Trejo, and Erik Estrada. But we had a good time, laughed quite a bit, and no one fell asleep (not even Marcella), so this one can be considered a winner.

01
Apr
21

Jiu Jitsu (2020)

Date watched: 4/1/21

Starring: Frank Grillo and Nic Cage (Partial Appearance)

Plot: Every six years, an ancient order of jiu-jitsu fighters joins forces to battle a vicious race of alien invaders. But when a celebrated war hero goes down in defeat, the fate of the planet and mankind hangs in the balance.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Seeing the Comet
  • Weird Subtitles
  • Fidget Spinners Attack
  • First Person Video Game Scenes
  • Stupid Cartoon Storyboard Transitions

Quotes:

  • “I like women with thick thighs.”
  • “Do you know those Jedi Knights that just took out my entire unit?”
  • “I got a license to kill you… No expiration date.”
  • “I know that the spaceman likes you.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • Regarding Nic Cage: “Is he supposed to be Asian?  Is he wearing a Sombrero?”
  • “Oh look, it’s the Ninja Turtles Temple.”

Things We Learned:

  • Nic Cage makes really good hats out of newspaper.
  • You can split one sword into two swords.
  • The movie Jiu Jitsu doesn’t have a lot of Jiu Jitsu in it.

Final Take:

There was a lot of potential here for something awesome.  Sadly, it fell short.  The movie is a never-ending barrage of fighting with little to no plot or dialogue.  It’s as if they shot a three-hour movie and then edited anything out that had to do with story or cohesion.  There are moments of cool things, but the sheer repetitiveness and ripped off Predator theme suck most of the fun out.  Nice Cage is also underused both in screen time and in the sheer lunacy for which we watch his films.

12
Mar
21

Equalizer 2000

Date Watched: 03/11/2021

Starring: Richard Norton, Robert Patrick

Plot: A ruthless vehicular gang rules the post-apocalyptic wasteland. That’s until a muscled hero named Slade builds the ultimate machine gun – Equalizer 2000, and declares a one man war on the gang’s “piece of garbage” leader.

Rules

  • Sporting equipment used as armor
  • Shooting more bullets than you have in your gun.
  • Dropping references to things we haven’t heard of yet (“The Ownership”)
  • “Sand Chopper”
  • “The Ownership”
  • Richard Norton running down a rock hill.
  • Flamethrowers

Quotes

  • I want Slade and I want him now. (there are almost no quotable lines in this movie)
  • We can’t hold… we’re gonna have to pull out.
  • You’ll get a procedural endorsement for this!

Viewer Quotes

  • I don’t understand who’s fighting who.
  • There’s no quotes in this movie at all. – There’s no dialogue in this movie at all.
  • Any friend of Chuck Norris is a friend of mine!
  • Loosely tied. Kind of like how I tie things to the roof of my car.
  • Who is it that he hates, and why?
  • Oh, no, it’s the Mountain People! – Let’s get ’em!

Things We Learned

  • In the post-apocalyptic future, there is no shortage of bullets, but you can’t find food, water, or gas.
  • Richard Norton is really good at running downhill on uneven terrain.
  • Combining 6 guns together makes you completely unstoppable.

Final Take: A totally forgettable movie with an almost completely incomprehensible plot. They dropped you into the middle of this story with a grand battle between various warring factions, but no backstory to explain everything that’s going on. Bottom line, if you’re just interested in explosions and actions scenes, and don’t care about understanding the deeper plot, you might enjoy this.

05
Mar
21

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

Amazon.com: Kirbis Sharknado 5 Global Swarming Movie Poster 18 x 28 Inches:  Posters & Prints

Viewing Date: 2/25/21

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid and a long list of semi-celebs in cameos

Plot: With a bitter taste in the mouth, knowing that the Sharknado crisis is far from over yet, Fin and April travel to London after the events of Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016), as Nova Clarke’s fact-finding expedition accidentally triggers a wave of ferocious and bigger-than-ever Sharknadoes. As a result, with prehistoric Stonehenge as the epicentre of the unstoppable new menace, Fin’s young son, Gil, gets sucked into the heart of the brutal cyclone, with minimal chances of survival. Now, Fin Shepard, humankind’s dauntless chainsaw-wielding hero, and his intrepid bionic wife, April, must track down a complex and omnipotent vortex formation that rapidly transforms into something unimaginable: an ever-growing Sharknado of global proportions. This time, Fin and April have their work cut out for them, in a perilous mission across the four corners of the world. Who shall live and who shall die when the fifth awakens? (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Cameos
  • “Sharknado”
  • Movie references / gags
  • Riding sharks
  • Impaling sharks or getting impaled by a shark

Quotes

  • “I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a human helicopter.” (turns out she was, in fact, a human helicopter
  • “You clear your thoughts.” (to Tara Reid’s character)

What We Learned

  • The Sydney Opera House is actually a transforming, shark killing machine, that somehow requires Tony Hawk for repairs
  • Olivia Newton John’s daughter (Chloe Lattanzi) is one of the creepiest looking, saddest ‘plastic-surgery-gone-wrong’ victims in recent memory.
  • The British Secret Service has developed a helmet with a shark fin to protect you in case you end up in Sharknado.
  • Sharknados creation teleportation portals and time travel

Final Take

Are we getting Sharknado fatigue? There were times watching this movie where I asked myself if 5 films of complete absurdity and bad cameos could actually be getting tired and boring- and yes it is very close, but there is enough here with a $3M budget and one-upping the stupidity to keep it fun. The bar is set very low… Can I say I’m actually somewhat forward to the next one, as long as Dolph Lungren is more than just a cameo?




September 2021
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