05
Oct
18

Day of the Dead: Bloodline

Image result for day of the dead bloodline

Viewing Date: 10/4/18

Starring: Zombies

Plot: A small group of military personnel and survivalists dwell in an underground bunker as they seek to find a cure in a world overrun by zombies. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Bodies exploding after being attacked by a zombie
  • “Science”
  • Blood / zombie blood on the camera lens

Quotes

  • “What do you miss?  Ice cream sundaes?  Chicken nuggets?”  “I miss people shutting the fuck up.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Oh I hope he eats some kids!”

What We Learned

  • Rapists are immune to the zombie virus.
  • It would be better for any actors / actresses to just use their own native accent than botch an American accent.  The audience will care less, we promise.
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21
Sep
18

Tremors: A Cold Day In Hell

tremors_colddayinhell

Date Watched: 09/20/18

Starring: Michael Gross, Jamie Kennedy, Tremor O’Neill

Plot: Graboids are attacking people in a desert, that also may supposed to be a snow-field.  Time to suit up.

Rules

  • “Graboids” or “Assblaster”
  • Nods to Oregon
  • Severed limbs/body parts

Quotes

  • “Hell, I’m hotter than a .50 cal on full auto.”
  • “From one kill-site, we recovered a severed head, a torso, and a half-eaten testicle.”
  • “That flaming sphincter is on the roof.”
  • “Get back here!  Don’t follow stupid with stupid.”
  • “Oh come on.  If you’re going to piss like a puppy, stay on the porch.”
  • “My balls are in the guiness book of balls.”
  • “At least the gland wasn’t in the prostate.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Did he crap his pants or something?” – “Did he have an assblaster?”
  • “I one day hope to high-five Jamie Kennedy for some reason.”

Things We Learned

  • You can fly over Canada and land in California
  • Assblasters explode when you shoot them in the ass.
  • Don’t let the urgent get in the way of the important.
  • It’s impossible to count the graboids without a seismic vibration monitor.
  • Blood ain’t thicker than ammo.

Final TakeIt’s exactly what you’d expect.  You should know what you’re getting yourself into by now.

30
Aug
18

Hardcore Henry (2015)

Hardcore Henry

Viewing Date:  8/30/18

Starring:  Sharlto Copley, Tim Roth, and you (as Henry)

Plot:  Henry is resurrected from death with no memory, and he must save his wife from a telekinetic warlord with a plan to bio-engineer soldiers.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Every time they say “Henry”
  • Every time Henry falls down
  • Video game clichés
  • Screen glitches

Quotes:

  • “All you got to do is pull out his f&cking heart and eat it.”
  • “You’re half machine, half p&ssy.”
  • “Hi, I’m a f&ckin’ car baby.  Lexus convertible.”
  • “How sweet, if I took this moment and put it in a cup of tea, I wouldn’t need sugar.”
  • “Put the proto baby down.”
  • “As my father used to say, a grenade a day keeps the doctor away.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This is all a f&cking video game.”
  • “Is that Mathew McConaughey?”
  • “That’s the way I’d want to go out… in a dance fight.”

Things we learned:

  • Telekinetic bad guys like to masturbate using a baseball bat.
  • Sharlto Copley likes drugs.  A lot.  And he dies a lot too.

Final Take:

It’s not a perfect movie by any means, but it is truly weird enough to recommend.  The FPS (First Person Shooter) perspective can be off putting at times.  In general though, there’s always something going on, and the overall strangeness and Sharlto Copley going all in on his role really makes this a pretty solid BMT flick.

17
Aug
18

Another Wolf Cop

Image result for another wolfcop

Viewing Date: 8/16/18

Staring: Leo Fafard, Amy Matysio, Kevin Smith (uncredited???)

Plot:  Alcoholic werewolf cop Lou Garou springs into action when an eccentric businessman with evil intentions seduces Woodhaven’s residents with a new brewery and hockey team in this outrageous horror-comedy sequel.

Rules:

  • Say “Wolf”, “Wolfcop”
  • Say “Chicken Milk”

Quotes:

  • “For fuck sake.  Someone stole our donuts.”
  • “I’ll be good to you.”
  • “Lou.  You’re a wolf…”  “Cop.”
  • “Watch your sassy mouth.”
  • “You wouldn’t happen to have a beer handy would you?”  “Thank God.”
  • “It’s time to die, you strange animal.”
  • “I’m glad you’re better man, but I still don’t approve of this shit.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “How much cocaine was done during the filming of this movie?”

What We Learned:

  • Wolfcop revels in other people’s suffering.
  • Moon rocks are like cocaine to werewolves…  Or maybe it was just real cocaine.
  • Don’t drink Chicken Milk Stout.
20
Jul
18

Deep Rising

DeepRising

Date Watched: 7/19/2018

Starring: Treat Williams, Digimon Honsou

Plot: A group of heavily armed hijackers board a luxury ocean liner in the South Pacific Ocean to loot it, only to do battle with a series of large-sized, tentacled, man-eating sea creatures who have taken over the ship first.

Rules

  • “Jezebel” or “Hercules”
  • “Argonautica”
  • Tentacle Attack
  • Jump scares (real or empty)
  • Askew camera angles (advanced rule, discretionary)
  • Obvious green screen scene

Quotes

  • “What you got there?”  –  “Peanut.”  –  “Peanut”?
  • “I think she broke my nose.”  –  “Give me a chance and I’ll break the rest of your face, not that anybody would notice.”  –  “What is this about?”
  • “Who gives a shit what they are?  Just tell us how to kill these motherfuckers.”
  • “You mean I can have anything I want?  How about a cold beer?”
  • “I don’t mean to sound like a pussy, but this shit is starting to freak me out, man!”
  • “Can you just…get…asthma, or do you have to be born with it?”

Viewer Quotes

  • “No good quotes, just bad dialogue.”
  • “This soundtrack is like something you’d find on a casio keyboard.”
  • “This is good late 90’s gore.”
  • “This guy is probably going to turn into a tentacle.  He’s been a tentacle this whole time.”
  • “To a creature this size, a human being is like a piece of popcorn.  Why spend all this effort for a few kernels of popcorn?”
  • “The only way to slow ’em down is to feed ’em.”  –  “What do we feed ’em?  All I got is a wet stick of gum and a breath mint.”

Things We Learned

  • Mercenaries run across table tops when clearing a room
  • Very large octopuses have mouths at the end of their tentacles.  Mouths within mouths.  Also the tentacles can see.
  • A room full of dead bodies is also full of screams.
  • Man is the real monster.

Final Take: Pretty good, better than expected.  Some good sequences.  Djimon Hounsou had a great follow-up effort after his academy award winning role in Amistad.

29
Jun
18

Assassination Games (2011)

assassination games

Date Watched: 6/28/18

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme

Plot: Two assassins agree to work together as one tries to avenge his wife and the other collect a reward for a job.  (From IMDB)

Rules:
-Van Damme putting on/taking off sunglasses
-Flashbacks
-say “Polo”

Quotes:

“He was the best hitman on our payroll.”
“How did you do that? How did you get him to come out?” (In regards to the young woman stroking a turtle to make his head come out like an erection.)
“I sleep fine. I’m a weapon.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Oh yeah, she’s turned on by JCVD.”
“I’m no Eastern European hitman, but I know that I probably wouldn’t f$ck around with those guys or Jean-Claude Van Damme.”

Things We Learned:

-You can use a secret faucet handle in a crappy Romanian apartment to get to an a hidden giant apartment, even though it’s pretty obvious that the smaller apartment doesn’t have a bed and must really be bigger. (Even a young traumatized hooker can figure out a way into this “secret” room in minutes.)
-JCVD likes to utilize a crossbow with poisoned arrows for his hits.
-JCVD gets angry if you interrupt his violin playing when you’re being beaten by your deadbeat boyfriend with a switch.
-Mob bosses in Ukraine actually have hearts of gold.
-When someone says that they’re Santa Claus, you should cut their ear off with a box cutter.

Final Take:

3 stars. Better than average. Nothing special, but it wasn’t boring and it kept things moving. Plus, JCVD with a crossbow and a samurai sword is a nice touch.

 

15
Jun
18

The Babysitter

Image result for the babysitter netflix

Viewing Date: 6/14/18

Plot: Cole (Judah Lewis) loves his babysitter (Samara Weaving) Bee. She’s hot, funny, and popular. One night, in a moment of defiance, Cole secretly stays up past his bedtime to discover she’s actually a cold-blooded killer who’s in league with the Devil. He now must spend his night evading Bee’s band of killers who will stop at nothing to prevent Cole from spilling their dark secret. It’s up to Cole to survive the night (and blow up a few people along the way).

Starring: Judah Lewis, Samara Weaving, directed by McG

Rules:

  • Cole gets scared
  • Remote control cars

Quotes:

  • “My dad let’s me drink Mike’s all the time.”  “That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard.”
  • “Oh my God.  I got Sacrifice Samuel all over me.”
  • “Look at him.  He’s still cutting the rope.”
  • “What kind of dick shoots a girl in the boob?!”
  • “Did you just blow up Sonja?”  “No.”  “I’m not mad, just a little surprised.”
  • “What happened?!”  “I don’t need a babysitter anymore.”

What We Learned

  • If you still need a babysitter at 13, you probably deserve something to go horribly wrong.
  • Sacrifice Samuel should have known better.
  • Knowing police walkie-talkie codes will get rid of all police suspicion, even when a reported homicide is involved.
  • What we didn’t learn: Why did Max go shirtless practically the entire movie?
  • When all else fails, steal a car and drive it into a house.

Final Take

This was way better than it had any right to be- great Thursday night movie with the right mix of gore, absurdity, and humor.  I think McG has found his wheelhouse: horror-comedy with low expectations.