20
Oct
17

Silver Bullet

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Viewing Date: 10/19/17

Starring: Corey Haim, Gary Busey, Terry O’Quinn, Megan Follows

Plot: A werewolf terrorizes a small city where lives the paralytic Marty Coslaw, his uncle, and his sister, the story’s narrator (via IMDB).

Rules

  • Product Placement
  • Gary Busey drinking or doing other Gary Busey-esque things (acting crazy, etc)
  • Corey Haim in the Silver Bullet

Quotes

  • “Suicides go to hell.  Especially when they’re pregnant.”
  • “There are no words to comfort- there is only PRIVATE JUSTICE!”
  • “I built that because I love you and it would kill me if you got hurt…  Now let’s get some barbecue.”
  • “Who was that?”  “Obscene phone call.”
  • “Some times I think that you’re common sense got crippled along with your legs.”
  • “I’m a little old to play the Hardy boys meet Reverend Werewolf!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “That’s a big mustache.”  “He’s definitely given some rides on that.”
  • “If only he had a cell phone.”  “If only he had legs.”  “Well, he has legs….”

What We Learned

  • If you’re committing suicide, and then are immediately murdered, it’s sort of a win.
  • Before they got into rap, they did wrestling (NWA wresting scene on TV)
  • Locke from Lost once had hair
  • Narration is usually completely unnecessary
  • Serial murders in a small town really don’t warrant any additional attention from police, feds, etc.
  • Paraplegics are really good at climbing trees and driving motorcycle-like wheelchairs (with no training)
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22
Sep
17

The Veil

TheVeil

Date Watched: 9/21/2017

Starring: Cubano Joe and/or Ricky Martin, nobody else.

Rules

  • “The Veil”
  • People wearing the mask (or veil)
  • “The princess”
  • Stupid strut walking

Quotes

  • “My dream of rebuilding our kingdom is finally coming true, and I won’t stop killing until I do.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “All this plot exposition is bullshit.” – “It’s not like we’re missing out on anything.”
  • “That’s just nerds taking karate classes.” – “They’re larping.”
  • “Is that really the coolest sword they could come up with?” – “It sure doesn’t look very cool.”
  • “If they’re not a nomadic people, and have been there for years and years, why would they have those silly tents?”
  • “What in the fuck just happened?”

Things We Learned

  • Don’t put dead bodies in your water supply.
  • What the word discursive means.  I will never forget the meaning of that word because of this movie.

Final Take: As a wise man on IMDB once said, “this movie is very discursive.”  Completely impossible to follow.  The action was not good, the acting was pretty bad, the storytelling was unintelligible, there was just nothing redeemable in this pile of crazy.  The best that could be said of this movie is that nobody fell asleep.

08
Sep
17

The Tomb

tomb

Viewing Date: 9/7/17

Starring: Wes Bentley, Michael Madsen, Eric Roberts, Kaitlin Doubleday

Plot: Successful writer and scholar Jonathan Merrick falls under the spell of the irresistible, bewitchingly beautiful Ligeia. She’s fighting a fatal illness and she will stop at nothing to defeat death, her one true enemy. She steals other people’s souls and on her quest to immortality she tricks Jonathan into supporting her work, breaking him apart from his fiancé Rowena and pulling him into her dark, mysterious world. They settle down in an old manor by the Black Sea where Ligeia’s everlasting presence slowly drives Jonathan to madness… (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Creepy Swing
  • Horseback Riding
  • Bleeding Eyes
  • Grim Reaper
  • “Macabre”
  • Snake Symbol

Quotes

  • “You’re vibrating with sexual energy.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He (Wes B) should stick to back-up roles- secondary villains.” “Like Supernatural…” “Or One Tree Hill…” “Or TeenWolf.”
  • “This is me, when I’m 60.  Drinking absinthe in Crimea.”  “Having a cigarette.”
  • “I’ve seen a lot of 90 minutes movies before, but this is the longest.”
  • “She’s a conduit.”  “A condiment.”
  • “At least there wasn’t a monkey butler.”

What We Learned

  • Women are attracted to men with money (no, really.)
  • If you’re possessed, you have a different hairstyle
  • Being in an Academy Award winning film early in your career doesn’t necessarily mean additional success.

 

 

17
Aug
17

Flying Monkeys (2013)

flying monkeys

Date Watched: 8/17/2017

Starring: No One

Plot: Teenager, Joan gets more than she bargained for when her workaholic dad buys her a cute pet monkey who grows wings, fangs, and an insatiable thirst for blood come nightfall. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Clichés
  • Regular Monkeys
  • Wizard of Oz references
  • Say “Monkey”

Quotes:

  • “If you’re going to bite me, I’m going to kill you.”
  • “It seems like you got a lot of birds here. You got mostly birds?”
  • “Now you got a monkey, how am I going to compete with that?”
  • “We’re looking for a monkey that recently flew to America.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “He didn’t have a buyer for this crazy monkey?”
  • “Sorry I’ve never been there for you, here’s a monkey.”
  • “Thanks creepy Dad with your giant chin.”

Things We Learned:

  • The way to redeem yourself when you’ve been a deadbeat dad is to buy your daughter a monkey.
  • The full moon brings out the flying monkey.
  • Monkeys get to be a lot bigger when they become murderous flying monkeys.
  • In Texas, even the nerds drive big trucks.

Final Take:  Great ideas and set up, but this movie ultimately felt like a SyFy Channel movie with not enough gore and gruesomeness.  This movie should have pushed the limits, instead it held back, and therefore we can’t really recommend it.

28
Jul
17

Leviathan

leviathan

Date Watched: 7/27/17

Starring: Peter Weller, Daniel Stern, Ernie Hudson aka little Chinese karate guy, Hector “Lyle” Elizondo

Plot: Alien, but in the ocean

Rules

  • Scientific mumbo jumbo
  • Pepsi product placement
  • Daniel Stern being a scumbag
  • Mutations

Quotes

  • “When I get up top, I’ll be drinking beers and eating pussy.”
  • “Generic alteration?” – “Genetic!”
  • “Homo aquaticus”
  • “That’s just great.  You’re telling me we got a god-damned dracula in here?!”
  • “I realize you’ve gone through hell.” – “Gone – Bitch, we’re still here!”
  • “Hey, I ain’t never going to be able to sleep again in life.  Ever.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Is she running without a bra?”
  • “You want a Russian to take medicine?  Put it in the vodka.”
  • “The sharks are unnecessary at this point.”

Things We Learned

  • Science stuff courses in tubes in the kitchen in mining shacks.
  • The best way to mutate a Russian is to spike the vodka.
  •  Leviathans drink blood and absorb the intelligence of its victims.
  • Punching your boss makes you feel better.

Final Take: This was a movie a few of us remembered to be pretty dang scary to our 8 year old selves, but it doesn’t quite live up to the memory.  The effects aren’t nearly as special anymore and you’re left just wishing for more t & a.  Ernie Hudson is the best thing about this movie.  It might be worth watching just for a few of his late-movie quotes.  Other than that, it was less than noteworthy.

 

23
Jun
17

The Last Witch Hunt

The_Last_Witch_Hunter_poster

Viewing Date: 6/22/2017

Starring: Vin Diesel, Michael Caine, Elijah Wood

Plot

The modern world holds many secrets, but the most astounding secret of all is that witches still live amongst us; vicious supernatural creatures intent on unleashing the Black Death upon the world. Armies of witch hunters battled the unnatural enemy across the globe for centuries, including Kaulder, a valiant warrior who managed to slay the all-powerful Queen Witch, decimating her followers in the process. In the moments right before her death, the Queen curses Kaulder with her own immortality, forever separating him from his beloved wife and daughter in the afterlife. Today Kaulder is the only one of his kind remaining, and has spent centuries hunting down rogue witches, all the while yearning for his long-lost loved ones. However, unbeknownst to Kaulder, the Queen Witch is resurrected and seeks revenge on her killer causing an epic battle that will determine the survival of the human race. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • The witch hunter cross is shown
  • Say “witch”
  • Kaulder is placed under a spell.

Quotes

“What?  She’s a cat person.”

“You know what I like about thrift shops?  Everything in them is old.”

 

Viewer Quotes

“Elijah Wood is clearly a witch” (within 1 minute of EW’s character being on-screen)

“I wonder which movie was more of a box office failure, this or Babylon A.D.” (answer Babylon A.D.)

“Look- a blatant Gladiator rip-off…  With witches.”

What We Learned

  • Back in the 1600’s witch hunters used roadside flares
  • Witches caused the Black Plague
  • Witches are put in witch prison
  • Even after losing his invulnerability, horrible injuries can’t slow down Vin Diesel
  • Elijah Wood’s character was pointless- and obviously a “twist” bad-guy from the start.
  • Michael Caine cashed a paycheck by playing a dead guy or looking out a window

 

01
Jun
17

Kindergarten Cop 2 (2016)

kindergarten cop 2

Date Watched: 6/1/2017

Starring: Dolph Lundgren and Bill Bellamy

Plot: Assigned to recover sensitive stolen data, a gruff FBI agent goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher, but the school’s liberal, politically correct environment is more than he bargained for. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “pineapple”
  • Seattle/Tacoma landmarks
  • Kids say supposedly funny things

Quotes:

  • “What is this… pineapple?” (spoken in a Russian accent)
  • “This machine owes me a goddamn Twix bar.”
  • “I’m incredibly magnanimous.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This is an awfully long set up for a movie that everyone knows exactly where it is going.”
  • “Of course the other kindergarten teacher looks like a pron star w/ glasses.”
  • “Is this supposed to be a comedy?”

Things We Learned:

  • The FBI headquarters looks exactly like a school.
  • The FBI works exactly like the local police precinct.
  • Dolph Lundgren stays in shape through line dancing.

Final Take:  It was ok.  It took way too long to get anywhere, and it had none of the charming crappiness or energy of the original.