29
Apr
22

Strike Commando

Viewing Date: April 28, 2022

Starring: Reb Brown

Plot: In the Vietnam war, an American soldier survives a botched mission, with help from a group of locals who perceive him as a hero. He’s sent back for a reconnaissance mission, only to find his helpers massacred by a brutal Russian soldier.

Rules

  • Explosions (reminder: house rule, but there are a lot)
  • Ramboisms
  • “Ransom”
  • Father Francois takes a drink
  • Abrupt scene transitions

Quotes

  • “Disneyland. They’ve got popcorn and ice cream growing on trees.”
  • “I tried to resist. I just can’t stand physical pain. I never could. Like going to the dentist.”
  • “Jesus! You scared the shit out of me.”
  • “How do you say goodbye in Russian? Auf Wiedershen.”
  • “He works for the KGB, you thickheaded hero.”
  • “Where does he keep finding these clusters of grenades?”
  • “These Russian dentists make some pretty good dentures.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Every time we see this guy he’s gotten even sweatier.”
  • “Apparently he got all these villagers killed. He must not be their savior.”
  • “What the fuck is this popcorn on trees shit!”
  • “Every namsploitation movie needs a revenge tour. Now he can kill with no remorse.”
  • “We need a line graph of sweatiness vs evil in this movie.”

What We Learned

  • The best way to command a mission is in the field, 50 yards from the operation.
  • Americans are saviors because they will kill your enemies for you, no questions asked.
  • You know someone is dead when their sandals fall off of their feet.
  • Grenades can sometimes have a timed fuse, when it suits.

Final Take

This was basically just a Rambo fever-dream. The scene transitions were difficult to follow. The plot made no sense, and pretty much all the supporting characters were killed after a few minutes of screen time. I’m still not sure why any of it even happened. But it was marginally enjoyable and I probably will watch the sequel.

31
Mar
22

The Neon Dead (2017)

Viewing Date: Mar 31, 2022

Starring: Marie Barker, Greg Garrison, D. Dylan Schettina

Plot: An unemployed recent college grad hires two freelance paranormal exterminators to combat a monster infestation in her new home.

Rules

  • Zombies
  • Green Slime
  • Form / Trident is shown or used
  • ‘Squelching’ (in closed caption)

Quotes

  • “That’s a Jawa. I’ve seen them before”.

What We Learned

  • BONES = Brotherhood of Necromancers and Evil Sorcerers
  • Salt kills zombies

Final Take

Is this a short review? Yes, because this movie was highly forgettable. There were some cool stop action motion battles and unique effects with the neon zombies / aliens / whatever they are. This is basically just another low budget zombie movie at a rave. Pass.

11
Mar
22

The Beastmaster

Date Watched: 3/10/2022

Starring: Marc Singer, with Head Animal Trainer Boone Narr

Plot: A sword-and-sorcery fantasy about a young man’s search for revenge. Armed with supernatural powers, the handsome hero and his animal allies wage war against marauding forces.

Rules

  • Talking to animals
  • Beast Vision
  • Using the night filter
  • “Dar”
  • “Juns”

Quotes

  • “Now we are dead!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “That’s just a tiger painted black!”
  • “Can the beastmaster talk with fish? What about insects? Where do you draw the line of a ‘beast’?”
  • “Is that supposed to be a city? Or is that supposed to be a model?”
  • “He just had to have a good cry.”

Things We Learned

  • Stealing kids is easiest if you move them unborn into a cow.
  • An eagle can pick up a child
  • Beastmasters are not kings of men, they are kings of beasts.

Final Take: This movie is pretty good, but it is probably about 40 minutes too long. It has 3 different points where you’ll feel like the movie is over, has wrapped up, but then it just keeps going each time. That said, it’s surprisingly well done in comparison to most movies like this, and you really have to appreciate the animal training involved. They needed the best and hired the best. Great work, Boone Narr.

17
Feb
22

Hell Comes to Frogtown

Viewing Date: Feb 17, 2022

Starring: Rowdy Roddy Piper, Julius LeFlore, Sandahl Bergman

Plot: After a worldwide nuclear war, where 68% of the male population was wiped out and virile men becoming a rarity, Sam Hell, a scavenger and a highly virile man, is assigned to help rescue a group of fertile women kidnapped by humanoid frogs (via IMDB).

Rules

  • “Frogtown”
  • References to sterility
  • Something happen to Hell’s junk
  • Spangle touches her earring
  • Sam Hell impregnates somebody

Quotes

  • “She’s never brushed her teeth.”
  • “There’s a flap.” “It monitors your physio-sexual condition.”
  • “Get in Stud!”
  • “You know, you’re one weird dude.” – one eyed frog man with chainsaw

What We Learned

  • High sperm count is due to eating a lot of fiber
  • Rowdy Roddy Piper needs to be romanced
  • Frog people’s currency is called ‘Lilies’.
  • Rowdy Roddy Piper can tame a feral woman with his virility
  • RRP is buried in Tigard, Oregon (RIP).

Final Take

How did we watch hundreds of terrible movies for 15+ years and not come across this absolute gem before now? We have gone through so many bad movie lists and have watched most of the top choices, but feel it is an absolute shame that this one wasn’t included on them.

This movie has so many elements of the perfect bad movie:

  • B list actor
  • Hilarious dialogue and plot
  • Nudity
  • Violence
  • Mutant frog people

Rowdy Roddy Piper gives a great performance as the only man with the virility to save the human race by impregnating as many women as possible- somehow most of the fertile women have been captured by an evil mutant frogman with 3 penises. If that doesn’t sell you, I don’t know what will. Bottom line, we thoroughly enjoyed this one. It is an instant Bad Movie Thursday classic.

17
Feb
22

New Year’s Evil (1980)

New Year's Evil (film) - Wikipedia

Viewing Date: 1/6/22

Starring: Kip Nevin, Roz Kelly, Chris Wallace

Plot

New Year’s Eve is on it’s way and TV’s most famous punk-rock lady icon Diane Sullivan is holding a late hour countdown celebration of music and partying. All is going well until Diane receives a phone call from a odd sounding stranger announcing on live Television that when New Year’s strikes in each time zone, a ‘Naughty Girl’ will be murdered (punished), and the killer leaves a threat saying she will be the one to die last. The studio crew takes precautions and heighten security, but when the East Coast hits midnight, a hospital nurse is found brutally butchered. Who could be behind these murders? A crazed fan, a religious psychotic, or perhaps it’s someone much closer to Diane then the police (or audience) could have ever expected. (via IMDB, with corrections)

Rules

  • A call into the radio station
  • Punks acting disorderly
  • Say “New Year’s Eve” or “New Year’s Evil”
  • Switchblade or switchcomb
  • A new genre of music is played

Quotes

  • “I always come well equipped.” “I’ll bet you do…”
  • “It was a real swinger.”
  • “I can hear your heart beating. I don’t like that.”

What We Learned

  • The best way to start your first shift on a new job is with a bottle of champagne
  • Transandental Meditation gets rid of nervous diarrhea
  • When a girl doesn’t have a date on New Year’s Eve, she’s in shit city.
  • You can kill someone with a big bag of weed
  • Police uniforms were highly adjustable in the 80’s

Final Take

It’s always a roll of the dice when attempting holiday-themed bad movies. No surprise, but the genre the most often attempts the holiday bad movies (Hallmark Channel Christmas movies aside), is horror.

New Year’s Evil might be considered an 80’s horror classic by some (not many though- it is 14% on rotten tomatoes). The twist at the end wasn’t that much of a twist, and we could see the son would come into play from the constant rejection by his mother, but the “killing at each time zone” was an interesting device and the disguises and effort by the killer / husband added to the enjoyment. Not a great movie, but over the top enough with terrible acting and absurd twists made it fun. Need to call out specifically the part of the movie where the killer disguised himself as a priest, and then careless instigates a chase / fight with a biker gang.

03
Feb
22

Yor:  The Hunter from the Future (1983)

Date watched: 2/3/22

Starring: Reb Brown (nominated for a Razzie for this role)

Plot: A warrior seeks his true origins in a seemingly prehistoric wasteland. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Theme song being played
  • Dinosaurs
  • Say “Yor”
  • Old man shoots his arrow
  • Rocks that look like penises

Quotes:

  • “Yor’s different than other guys.”
  • “DAMN talking box!”

Viewer Quotes:                                   

  • “Is he from the future even though he looks like He-Man?”
  • “Is that a Triceratops crossed with a Stegosaurus… a Tristegatops?”
  • “There’s no monogamy in cave man days.”
  • “They should reboot this franchise.”  “No!”

Things we learned:

  • The best way to kill a Tristegatops is with an axe.
  • It’s hard to hide a boner wearing a loin cloth.  Wait, we already knew that from years ago.
  • Bad guys in the olden days wore purple paint on their faces.
  • Yor is good at being captured.
  • A generous man does what his heart commands.

Final Take:

This movie really had it all. It’s hard to believe that the movie at the end was the same movie that we started with. For most of the run time, we had no idea where the “Hunter from the Future” tagline came from. Then all of the sudden the Darth Vader clones showed up. (Actually, they kind of look more like Dark Helmet.) According to IMDB, this was originally an Italian miniseries that ran 200 minutes and was split into four parts. Now, condensed into one 90 minute movie, it operates as somewhat of a weird fever dream. If it were rated “R” and just went all out with the gore and craziness it would be a lot better. As it stands, it’s just kind of weird and tame.

21
Jan
22

Hellbound

Date Watched: 1/20/2022

Starring: Only Chuck Norris

Plot: Two Chicago cops (Chuck Norris, Calvin Levels) investigate a murder until they encounter an ancient demon.

Rules

  • Biblical References
  • Chuck’s round house kicks (or kicks in general)
  • “Prosatanos”
  • “Shatter” (Advanced)
  • Jackson talks about food

Quotes

  • “Oh Shit! His heart’s gone!” – “No it’s not, it’s right there.”
  • “Hey Frank, do you want to go back to Chicago and play good cop/bad cop with our pimps and hookers?”
  • “Eat this!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Chuck Norris plays the role of ‘Consatanos’ in this one.”
  • “He’d better roundhouse kick someone soon, I swear.”
  • “What has Prosatanos been doing this past 40 years? Not building a massive army of followers and growing his power, just hanging out in Chicago sleeping with hookers.”

Things We Learned

  • The devil (or demon spawn) is named Todd
  • Throwing a heart at Chuck Norris is a great way to introduce yourself.
  • Chuck Norris would steal money from his own partner.

Final Take: This movie started out really well, but faded quite a bit in the middle. There were almost no Chuck Norris round-house kicks through most of the movie, which seems like a real waste of talent. That said, it has a memorable villain and does tie it all up with a decent ending, but all in all it’s a fairly forgettable Norris affair.

16
Dec
21

Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (1983)

Date watched: 12/16/21

Starring: Molly Ringwald, Peter Strauss, Michael Ironside, Ernie Hudson

Plot: On a distant planet inhabited by mutants, two bounty-hunters race to rescue three Earth female captives from the clutches of an evil mutant warlord. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Bad special effects
  • Says “Chalmers”
  • Say “Overdog”
  • Wolff uses his gun

Quotes:

  • “Make it eat dirt, Chalmers.”
  • “Hey wait! I know where to buy clean skav women.”
  • “I never said I wouldn’t eat dog.  I just said I wouldn’t eat it much.”
  • “Good breeding man.  I’ll bet breeding with him would kill him.  I’ll take that bet.”
  • “What do those skrotbags want?”

Viewer quotes:

  • “Wow! It’s got Ernie Hudson.  And Michael Ironside!”
  • “Is her hair wet or just grossly slicked back?”
  • “This reminds me of shower night at our house.”
  • “Are these singing little people?”

Things we learned:

  • Hang gliders are the best way to kidnap women.
  • The best way to deal with customs is to kill them.

Final Take:

This movie scared me as a child. Now… not so much. It flies by, and there really isn’t a lot to it. It certainly fits the bill as a terrible Star Wars knockoff. Cheesy and harmless, it’s worth a look.

02
Dec
21

Mac and Me (1988)

Viewing Date: 12/02/21

Starring: Paul Rudd 😉

Plot: An alien trying to escape from NASA is befriended by a wheelchair-bound boy.

Rules

  • Product Placement
  • Alien whistles (advanced rule)
  • Cartoonish alien distortion/action

Movie Quotes

  • “You sucked this living thing into a vacuum cleaner?”
  • “I bet he’s trying to tell us where he came from.” “A Wickes Furniture store?!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This is a lot of whistling, by the way.”
  • Their mouths look like sphincters.”
  • “It doesn’t even look like workout gear. It looks like she’s running to her nursing job.”
  • “That’s the creepiest teddy bear I’ve ever seen.”
  • “What is happening in this McDonalds?!”

What We Learned

  • Aliens drink Coke
  • You can also revive an alien with Coke
  • MAC stands for Mysterious Alien Creature
  • ADUI- Alien Driving Under the Influence
  • In the 80’s, you had normal, horizontal house blinds in your car windows.
  • Aliens can be vacuumed up.
  • Aliens are fire proof

Final Take

18
Nov
21

The Last Thanksgiving (2020)

Review] "The Last Thanksgiving": A Horror Sure To Satisfy your Turkey Day  Appetite - Gruesome Magazine

Viewing Date: 11/18/21

Starring: No one. Seriously- IMDB lists all actors in alphabetical order, so no one really gets top billing.

Plot: A family of cannibalistic pilgrims attacks a restaurant that stays open for Thanksgiving.

Rules

  • Thanksgiving tropes
  • “Thanksgiving”
  • WTF moments (plenty of them, so use this at your discretion)
  • Lisa Marie acting bitchy

Quotes

  • “Everyone called my Sharty Metabernackle!”
  • “See food… Get it?!”
  • “The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.” “You’re not black.” “Is that what that means?”
  • “All I’m good at is being a nasty bitch.”

What We Learned

  • If your sandwich needs more flavor, cut yourself and add blood
  • Adams family values is the best Thanksgiving movie
  • Nothing is more American than cannibalism

Final Take

Tis the season for holiday themed movies, and there aren’t many Thanksgiving horror movies, so we need to dig deep (already watched all the Thankskillings, etc). Premise is straight forward- a family of cannibals searches for people that aren’t respecting (?) Thanksgiving values each year and murders and eats them. I’m not sure how much they actually abide by this- so if the employees at the restaurant actually want to be with their families to celebrate, would they let them go? I realize I’m overthinking this- its just a thin premise to explain the cannibalistic behavior. Some funny, cringy moments, but otherwise exactly what you’d expect.




May 2022
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