04
Dec
20

Savage Beach

Date Watched: 12/3/2020

Starring: Dona Speir, Hope Marie Carlton

Plot: DEA agents flying cargo as part of their cover make an emergency landing on a remote island in the pacific, where several unscrupulous parties are looking for a WWII gold treasure.

Rules

  • Sexual innuendo
  • Shirtless People (advanced rule)
  • Smooth Jazz

Quotes

  • “…and enough money to live in style for the next 100 years.”
  • “Don’t spend it all in one piece… Ha Ha Ha Ha Haaaaa!”
  • “My ideology means far more to me than fame or fortune.”
  • After killing a rooster – “There goes our alarm clock, eh?”
  • “Even Mother Theresa has her dark side.”
  • “Who else knows you’re here?” – “My whole sorority, and they’re going to be real pissed if I’m not back by Hell Week.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “It’s just your standard fruit and budweiser basket.”
  • “Is this a sophisticated piece of technology?” – “It’s a sophisticated piece of plastic that beeps.”
  • “You know they’re not going to be able to resist saying the name of the movie at some point.”
  • “Who is this blonde guy? Didn’t he put that pushpin in that guy’s neck? Who does he work for? What was the point of replacing him?”
  • “That’s a good ‘I’ve just been stabbed’ face. His eyes went all crossed and everything.”

Things We Learned

  • They smuggled china white in pineapples back in the 80’s in Hawaii.
  • Bras are only worn as a shirt in Hawaii, never underneath other clothes.

Final Take: A campy film with boobs, budweisers, bullets, babes, and bad acting. If you’ve seen one Andy Sidaris, you’ve pretty much seen them all. They all have the same actors playing basically the same parts, so you should know what you’re getting yourself into. It was entertaining, and the boobs were plentiful, and also very 80’s looking. You’ll have a good time.

29
Oct
20

Bloody Bloody Bible Camp (2012)

Date watched: 10/29/20

Starring: People who are in a lot of terrible movies.

Plot: A group of Christian teens visit the Happy Day Bible Camp, where in 1977 an earlier group of teens were punished for their sinful behavior by a sadistic nun. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • 70’s or 80’s references
  • References to sex
  • Closed Caption says “crickets chirping”
  • Character says “Sister Mary Chopper”

Quotes:

  • “We should probably go for guys that look like Jesus.”
  • “I’ll bet Sylvester Stallone has a big cannoli.”
  • “Back door’s always open for Jesus baby.”
  • “Bambi, you’re going to need to lick my rusty star fish.”
  • “Jesus, please take my sinful boner away!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • Question: “Whats going on?”  Response: “It’s 1977.”
  • “At bible camp they don’t really sing about licking nuts though.”
  • “That bush counts I think.”
  • “My grandmother called them Tallywackers.”
  • “Everybody just grab a loose weiner.”

Things we learned:

  • Kids at Bible Camp are actually in their 40’s.
  • Toothless inbreds don’t take kindly to out of towners.
  • Tad is rad.
  • Jesus is cool with wine coolers.

Final Take:

I personally was pretty fond of this movie, although I don’t know that the rest of the group liked it as much. It was funny and entertaining. According to IMDB, there is a sequel in the works, which I think would also make for a good BMT movie.

22
Oct
20

FP2: Beats of Rage (2018)

FP2: Beats of Rage HD Movie | faporlongtras1988

Viewing Date: 9/24/20

Starring: Jason Trost, Nick Principe, Mike O’Gorman, Bru Muller, Art Hsu, Tallay Wickham

Plot: Despite hanging up his boots following the events of ‘The FP,’ JTRO must return to the blood sport of Beat-Beat Revelation one last time. JTRO and KCDC – his mystical hype man – will quest deep into The Wastes, a land destroyed by the Beat Wars, to compete in the ancient Beat-Beat tournament, “Beats of Rage,” face AK-47 – and, hopefully, save the world. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Panther Growl Noise
  • “Booze”
  • “JTRO” or “BTRO”
  • “Beat-Beat”
  • “Rage Dipping”

Quotes

  • “We did some love. We threw some pups”
  • “Yo. Drink some water.” “Hey! Get that wet shit outta my face!”
  • “Re-ninj, JTRO!”
  • “That deal is tail lights and the word is GO!”
  • “Pound me JTRO.”
  • “Let Re-ninj be your eyes.”
  • “He’s beginning to Re-ninj; he must Re-ninj alone.”
  • “I challenge you to a beat off!”

Viewer quotes

  • “Have you ever seen a movie that has a scene with more than one person with an eyepatch- that’s not a pirate movie?”

What We Learned

  • You could use a spoon on a Nintendo Controller
  • They need the seed to keep the clan strong
  • Chicas weaken legs- especially when Rage Dippin’
  • You talk shit, you get slit.

Final Take

The FP is a ‘hall of fame’ Bad Movie Thursday selection, so this movie had a lot to live up to, and I think it delivered. You’ve got to respect the dedication that Jason Trost has for this movie and ridiculous world / culture / language he has created. It is thoroughly entertaining and takes it self seriously enough to maintain the immersion in this crazy world. This is one of the most quotable movies in BMT history just because of the dialect that has been created for this post-apocalyptic world– the list above could have been much longer if I would have been spending more time writing everything down. This movie had enjoyable characters, twists, and nods to video game culture, and we would definitely recommend. This movie might not make the top 10 Bad Movie Thursday list, but would make the top 25 for sure.

16
Oct
20

Zoombies 2

Date Watched: 10/15/2020

Starring: The Zoombies

Plot: A game ranger and a team of poachers end up surrounded by zombie animals and they forge an alliance to stop the beasts before the super-zombie virus spreads to the entire world.

Rules

  • Animals turning into zoombies
  • Saying the word “zoo”
  • Animals “chittering”
  • Don’t forget house rule – creature-vision
  • “Toronto”

Quotes

  • “It’s a cocktail of my own creation. Paralyzes the animal from within.”
  • “Humped to death by a lion.”
  • “The animals are going crazy. They want our blood. They want revenge!”
  • “This planet is wasting away. I’m just trying to make some cash before we’re all extinct.”
  • “Face it… we’re not the kings of the jungle anymore!”
  • “You want us to willingly feed ourselves to the animals?”
  • “It’s an antidote, okay. It’s not a secret serum to give you powers.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “That jeep’s going like a ride at disneyland.”
  • “How did the porcupine get in there?” – “Must have gone through the air ducts.”

Things We Learned

  • The planet is wasting away. You just have to make some cash before we’re all extinct.
  • Porcupines will explode when shocked with a cattle prod.

Final Take: It was just fine. Too many of the people died in stupid ways, it seemed like a waste, but probably budget restrictions. We craved more gruesome zoombie killings, and this movie definitely left us wanting. I’m not sure I would strongly recommend this movie when there are clearly better options.

11
Sep
20

Firestorm (1998)

Date Watched: 9/10/20

Starring: Howie Long, Scott Glenn, Suzy Amis, William Forsythe, Barry Pepper

Plot: Firefighter Jesse Graves has to save ornithologist Jennifer and other people caught in a forest fire, which was set up by the lawyer of convicted killer Earl Shaye, who escaped from the prison with several of his inmates posing as firefighters to recover thirty-seven million dollars in stashed loot.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “smokejumpers” or “smokejump”
  • Fire puns
  • Say “shake and bake”
  • Every time Sherman does something dumb

Quotes:

  • “Stick it in there.  C’mon Belcher.”
  • “Whats wrong?  Take in a little smoke today?”
  • “I’m killing you.  It’s strictly a matter of mathematics.”
  • “Where do think they plan on running… to Burger King?”

Viewer quotes:

  • “I’m pretty sure that’s not how they do that.  (said about the smokejumpers)”
  • “Ah, you can still jump.”
  • “Which way should I go?  Oh, I know, away from the fire.”
  • “#MontanaKnowledge”

Things we learned:

  • Howie Long knows when a boat is about to explode just by looking at it.
  • You can have a giant knife in prison.
  • Ping pong balls are very flammable #MontanaKnowledge
  • Graham is a birder and Howie Long is not.
  • Female hostages are more valuable.
  • Setting a backfire can draw fire from a main fire. #MontanaKnowledge
  • Fire goes backwards in Canada.
  • Chainsaws will run without your finger on them.
  • Howie Long hates water.
  • Howie Long chews carefully.

Final Take:

It was fairly terrible and enjoyable to watch.  It’s basically a mash up of Backdraft and Cliffhanger, and it didn’t surprise us at all that Sylvester Stallone was attached to this at one point.  There’s not enough here to make it a classic BMT movie, but it was good for what it was.

28
Aug
20

Battlefield Earth

battlefieldEarth

Starring: John Travolta, Forest Whitaker, Barry Pepper

Date Watched: 8/27/2020

Plot: It’s the year 3000 A.D., and the Earth is lost to the alien race of Psychlos. Humanity is enslaved by these gold-thirsty tyrants, who are unaware that their ‘man-animals’ are about to ignite the rebellion of a lifetime.

Rules

  • “Leverage”
  • Wipe (scene transitions)
  • Psychlos talking about or presenting gold
  • Dutch (i.e. skewed) camera angle (advanced rule)
  • Slow motion
  • “Man-animal” (expert rule)

Quotes

  • “As a friend I could forget to file the report… but unfortunately, I’m not your friend!”
  • Dog?  Obviously the superior race, having man-animal chauffeur it around.”
  • “You sure called that one, sir.  He certainly didn’t find those picto-cameras.”
  • “Hope is an admirable quality, but foolish isn’t.”
  • “You made me as happy as a baby pcychlo on a straight diet of kerbango.”
  • “You imbecile!  What kind of crap-lousy game are you playing?”

Viewer Quotes

  • “What do we know about Scientology?”  –  “Well, it’s based around some god… Zathura?”

Things We Learned

  • Glass is godstone.
  • Dog is the superior race.
  • Gold is just dripping off the mountains of Colorado in the future.
  • Dutch angles are skewed shots.  Every shot in Battlefield Earth is dutch.
  • The great weakness of the Psychlo race is that they can’t move fast at all.

Final Take: This was a re-watch of a treasured favorite, one of the Bad Movie Thursday originals.  It held up pretty well.  It’s still a nonsensical mess, clearly conceived by the mind of a madman.  The rules all played well, especially “Leverage” and the scene wipe.  God help you if you play by the advanced or expert rules. It was a fun trip down memory lane and worth the time.  Just don’t try to read any meaning into it or plug the plot holes.

07
Aug
20

Dave Made a Maze

Dave Made a Maze (2017) - IMDb

Viewing Date: 8/6/20

Starring: Meera Rohit Kumbhani, Nick Thune, Adam Busch

Plot: Dave, an artist who has yet to complete anything significant in his career, builds a fort in his living room out of pure frustration, only to wind up trapped by the fantastical pitfalls, booby traps, and critters of his own creation. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Origami
  • “It’s bigger than it looks” or other references to the size of the Maze
  • “Maze”  (borderline advanced rule

Quotes

  • “Did she die or did she just turn into a craft project?”
  • “Everyone are assholes!”  “Is.”  “Everyone is assholes!  No that doesn’t sound right.”
  • “Hey Brynn.  Thought you were dead.”

Viewer Quotes

  • I think we needed mushrooms to watch this.” (several other similar quotes about this movie and drugs)

What We Learned

  • It’s an old fort trick to use a towel and tape.
  • Life is a series of incomplete moments of which there is no escape.
  • When you die in a cardboard maze, your blood and guts become paper products.
  • The only thing a minotaur wants more than to eat human flesh is to be free (and eventually go to a bar).

Final Take

This movie has apparently won several independent movie awards and based on the ratings, is very popular.  It was SO close to hitting the checkmarks of a cult classic.  The movie starts out really strong, has some funny moments and bizarre trippy scenes (the puppets, the optical illusion room) that bring me back to the crazy movies that we loved in high school and college (like Meet the Feebles).  Unfortunately, the movie really lost steam from about half way on and the end wasn’t anything special.  Still worth watching, it just falls short of what could have been a BMT classic.

 

 

 

23
Jul
20

Spaghettiman (2016)

Spaghettiman

Date watched: 7/23/20

Starring: Spaghetti

Plot: Clark doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about the world. He barely cares about himself. But after an incident with an old bowl of spaghetti and a malfunctioning microwave, he becomes a superhero that can fight crime with the power of spaghetti. However, you have to pay him. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Pasta puns
  • Shooting spaghetti
  • Eating spaghetti
  • Extreme rule = saying spaghetti
  • Spaghettiman making a money symbol with his fingers
  • Spaghettiman eats soup

 

Quotes:

  • “Is it possible that you inserted the spaghetti noodle directly inside of your penis?”
  • “You would drink a spaghetti pee?”
  • “You’ve been served—Spaghetti”
  • “I rip his dick off… just like my grandma taught me.”

 

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Things you don’t want to see in a movie:  somebody eating spaghetti.”
  • “Did he just piss out a bunch of spaghetti noodles?”
  • “I almost pulled a Warlock on it (aka I almost fell asleep.)”

 

Things We Learned:

  • When you microwave spaghetti for 3 min sauce magically appears.
  • The ukulele is the best way to sing songs to unborn children.

 

Final Take:

It was ok.  Not as good as the reviews.  Watchable.

19
Jun
20

Samurai Cop

samurai_cop

Date Watched: 6/18/2020

Starring: Robert Z’Dar, Mathew Karedas, Janis Farley

Plot: Joe Marshall and Frank Washington are two tenacious police detectives who seek at all costs to stop the Katana, a renegade Yakuza gang composed of violent and sadistic killers who want to lead the drug trade in Los Angeles.

Rules

  • Mentioning “Katana”
  • Mentioning “Samurai” or using a samurai sword
  • Mullets <advanced rule>
  • When you see wig man

Quotes

  • “Oh, it’s up and ready, you just keep it warm.”  –  “It’s warm and ready.”  <wink>
  • “I want him dead!  I want his head on this piano!”  –  “I will bring you his head and place it on that piano.”
  • “I feel like somebody shoved a big club up my ass, and it hurts.  And I’m trying to figure out a way to get it out of there.”
  • “What happened?  You out or in?”  –  “Baby, I’m always in.”
  • “Is that him?”  –  “I guess so… looks like this is his last fuck.”
  • “Well, this one’s dead, too.  Not captured alive.”
  • “Why did you go under?”  –  <crawling under gate> “I’m an undercover cop!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Is that guy the samurai cop?  He’s kind of a douche.”
  • “Wouldn’t it have been easier just to smuggle in the sword and do it herself instead of smuggling in the guy holding the sword?”
  • “Why is this fight transitioning through completely different scenes?  Sometimes there’s trees around them, then grass, then nothing at all.”
  • “That guy’s pants are too high.  I think we can all agree on that.”
  • “Why is that guy caressing his gun?”
  • “This samurai cop never does anything samurai-like at all.  He’s never even held a sword.”

Things We Learned

  • Samurai’s almost never use swords
  • Cops can kill whomever they want with absolute impunity.
  • Samurai cops are irresistible to women.
  • There’s nothing special about Samurai cops.  They don’t seem to have any real special skills.  The name Samurai may have been a facetious joke by his co-workers.

Final Take: This was a good one.  I think it absolutely took itself seriously at times, which is what you really want in a movie like this.  There was gratuitous violence.  There were soft-core porn scenes that went on way too long.  There was stilted dialogue.  It had everything you’d want.  I definitely recommend it.  I’d also like to watch the documentary about the filming of it, just to find out why that wig was used so frequently.

 

04
Jun
20

Space Mutiny (1988)

Space Mutiny (1988) - IMDb

Viewing Date: 6/4/20

Starring: Reb Brown, John Phillip Law

Plot

In the distant future in deep space, the large colony spaceship Southern Sun travels through the galaxy. On board, the evil Kalgan (John Philip Law) and his men take control of the ship through a violent and explosive mutiny. Kalgan’s plan is to scrap the ship and sell the passengers into slavery. One man, (Reb Brown) decides to make a stand and encourages others to fight against Kalgan’s rebels. Armed with laser cannons and neutron grenades, he leads the Commander’s daughter and a handful of soldiers into a blasting battle to re-take the ship. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Recycled Battlestar Galactica footage
  • Enforcer vehicles
  • Someone says ‘Enforcer’
  • Evil laughs

Quotes

  • “I prefer to jump!”  “Be my guest.”
  • I’ve got a 6-9’er in progress!”

What We Learned

  • In space, if you wear red, you’re a bad guy, blue means you’re a good guy
  • Similarly, a paintball mask means you’re a bad soldier.
  • Rocket gun explosions cause you to be launched off a trampoline
  • Jazzercize outfits are standard issue during a Space Mutiny, and parties involve hula hooping
  • Rooms with AstroTurf are made for sexy time

Final Take

This movie has gained fame as being one of the more popular features on  Mystery Science Theater 300, for good reason.  It has laughable acting, writing, special effects and wardrobes.  If it wasn’t for the ‘borrowed’ space sequences at the beginning, this could have been taking place just about anywhere.  Practically all action scenes were filmed in some dark warehouse, with the highlights involving low speed chases on the ‘Enforcers’ (golf carts covered in cardboard.  Definitely worth checking out- it lived up to the spirit of Bad Movie Thursday!

 




December 2020
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