Archive for the 'Historical Fiction' Category

23
Feb
17

Druids aka The Gaul (2001)

Druids Picture

Date Watched: 2/23/17

Starring: Christopher “There can be only one” Lambert

Plot:

An entire nation’s destiny lies in the hands of one man.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Silly Hats
  • Stupid Place Names
  • Stupid Hair

Quotes:

  • “Now, kick me in the ass.”
  • “Your incomprehensible talking does not help me.”
  • “Between a boy and a girl, I should be something different.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Why is Christopher Lambert still playing a young man?  Maybe at 50 that time is over.”
  • “I miss the days that you can throw food at someone without repercussion.”
  • “This movie feels like a fever dream.”
  • “Is that character’s name vas deferens?”
  • “I think this is like a 4 hour script and they picked scenes out at random to film.”
  • “We could just turn this movie off right now and my life would be better for it.”

Things We Learned:

  • Christopher Lambert can grow a mustache at any time and in any scene.
  • Graham only falls asleep during one movie = Druids.

Final Take:

This movie is a slog to get through.  I have no idea what this movie was about.  Halfway through the movie I started googling information to find out when Twins 2: Triplets would be released.  This nonsensical gibberish is not worth it.  Stay away.

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03
May
13

Death Race 3: Inferno

DeathRace3

Date Watched: 5/2/2013

Starring: Ving Rhames, Danny Trejo

Plot: Convicted cop-killer Carl Lucas, aka Frankenstein, is a superstar driver in the brutal prison yard demolition derby known as Death Race. Only one victory away from winning freedom for himself and his pit crew.  He’s a great guy and everyone else is crazy.  Strap in and get ready.

Rules

  • “Frankenstein”
  • “Death Race” <advanced>
  • Hyenas
  • Car crashes
  • Taking off or putting on the Frankenstein mask
  • Monkey hiding behind a rock <5 drinks, advanced>

Quotes

  • “I’ve been through more shit in my life than most people go through in 10.”
  • “This is a match to the death.  The only rule – Survive!”
  • “The only thing I know about Baja, it’s a style of tacos I like.”
  • “Hang on, I thought you didn’t know anything about this kind of racing.”  “I don’t.  It’s the first thing that came up on Google.”
  • “Stop fucking me with your eyes and let’s get on with this.”
  • “How many lives do you have?”  “At least one more.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Ooh, they’ve got hyenas as guard dogs.  Must be Africa.”
  • “Quick, hold that girl while I punch her in teh face!…Terrible fight scene.”
  • “Danny Trejo looks exactly like a ‘Goldberg’.  Good character choice.”
  • “Why are they in those big hamster wheels?”
  • “This is impossible to watch.  I’m going to have a seizure.”
  • “The thinking is that his secretary will somehow betray him.  Bets?”
  • “Was this movie filmed by a dude with ADD?”
  • “Thinnest …. Plot …. Ever?  I’ve seen porns with more fully fleshed out plots.”
  • “Wouldn’t he have trench foot by now?”
  • “I’m glad they’re giving us the entire back plot.  It’s so complicated I never would have figured it out.”

What We Learned

  • Prisons in Africa are guarded by Hyenas.
  • It’s a good idea for female prisoners in coed prisons to dress really provocatively.  Everything will be fine.
  • Weapons do not come in handy in Death Race.
  • Smart missiles are really smart.  Like follow a man through a house smart.
  • Web Casts can be watched on crappy old analog tv’s in rural Africa.

Final Take

If you liked the first second Death Race, you’ll sure like the second second Death Race.  It’s basically just more of the same.  I’m pretty sure it’s got the exact same cast.  This time instead of racing in a re-purposed warehouse district, they’ve taken the fun to a rally course in South Africa.  The prisoners are heroes with hearts of gold and the villains are the most insanely evil people in the world.  There’s no character development, just nonstop car chases and explosions.  If that sounds good to you then you’ll have a good time watching it.  I did.

04
Jan
13

Iron Sky

IronSky

Starring Finnish Germans

Date Watched 1/3/2o13 (we survived!)

Plot

Nazis secretly made their way to the moon, where they have been hiding out, biding their time.

Rules

  • Nazi cliches.
  • Nazis’ racist statements.
  • Palin’s stupid remarks.
  • “Furhrer”
  • “Fourth Reich”
  • “Adler”

Quotes

  • “Hey, Sauerkraut.  I like Sauerkraut!  And Volkswagen.  Fahrfegnugen!”
  • “I received confirmation from the department of racial purity…Science demands us to unite physically.”
  • “Either I’m black or you’re blind.”
  • “Do I look alright to you Ms Crazy Fucking nazi?”
  • “So, you are a formerly dead black model, who is now suddenly a living white hobo, after spending a weekend on the moon.  Is that correct?”
  • “Listen. Do you think if I asphyxiate the president, will the troops then align with us?”
  • “Get your hooks off me you kristallnacht piece of shit!”
  • “He fell for the old one last blowjob offer!  God, nazis are stupid.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Most of the quotable quotes are racist or in very poor taste.  Is it still ok to record them?”
  • “I think by the end of the movie they’re going to make us think of the nazis as the good guys somehow.”
  • “I have to tell the wife she missed three ‘fuhrers’ and a nazi racist quote.”
  • “Oh look, they have space zeppelins!”
  • “Sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.”
  • “Why doesn’t she just turn it?  She’s at the wheel!”

What We Learned

  • The germans reinvented USB while isolated on the moon, and happen to call it the same thing.
  • Medicine called Albiniser transforms black into white.
  • Nazis are doctors for the sick, vitamins for the anemic, and products of loving mothers and brave fathers.
  • Palin’s message comes from moon nazis.  Remember this, world!  Palin = Hitler!
  • To sneak past nazis, start up their battle hymn.
  • De-albiniser transforms white into black.

Final Take

Pretty high production values for a BMT movie, but still pretty campy. Not too shabby.  It was enjoyable, but difficult to come up with good rules.  I’d definitely recommend it but you should know that you’ll be getting a lot of anti-american political satire.  If you can get past that you’ll find a pretty decent b+ grade movie.

30
Nov
12

The FP

Date Watched: 11/29/2012

Starring: JTRO, BTRO, and KCDC

Plot 

In a post apocalyptic future, two rival gangs fight for control of Frazier Park by playing “Beat Beat Revelation”, a deadly version of Dance, Dance, Revolution(TM).

Rules

  • Stupid Hats/Bandannas (One per occurrence per new scene)
  • “J TRO” or “B TRO”
  • “The FP”
  • Reference to area codes
  • Ducks
  • Advanced rule – waterfall through all montages

Quotes

  • “4 score and a couple years ago.”
  • “I’m going to 187 this bitch, bro!”
  • “You fuckin’ cracker ass cracka!” <one white guy to another>
  • “I hope you’re ready for this, Cranberry Juice, because you’re about to get fucked, bitch!”
  • “What’s a town with no ducks, J Tro?  How’s a nigga supposed to sort his shit out with no ducks?!”
  • “We had each other’s backs, back to back!”
  • “You got to dance with your mind, not your legs.”
  • “I’m going to throw you down some stairs, you toe-eyed dung dung.”
  • “A gentleman never fucks a bitch in the ass and tells.”  “It was only for a minute.”
  • “You got one final lesson up in this mother fucker, J Tro.  You gots to know the true meaning of the Beat Beat nigga.  It ain’t about color, dog.  Any nigga can be a nigga.  N – I – G – G – A.  Never Ignorant in Getting Goals Accomplished. Now you use that shit, J Tro.  You be all the nigga you can be.”  <Climactic monologue>
  • “Shit, man!  Click it or ticket.”
  • “How you doing all this shit?”  “Because, I’m never ignorant in getting goals accomplished.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Is this stuff for real?  Are they being serious?”
  • “That guy’s wearing a racoon hat!”
  • “That other guy’s wearing a skeleton mask!”
  • “Did he just roar like a lion?”
  • “He died doing what he loves…”
  • “He’s watching a film upside-down.”
  • “Just hanging out in a kiddie pool.”
  • “Asian gets a slingshot!”
  • “I think this whole movie may have been about drunks feeding ducks in the end.”

What We Learned

  • The post apocalyptic future looks a lot like normal rural America.
  • Drunks feeding ducks are a stabilizing factor in modern society.
  • A good day ends with a BJ while watching ducks.
  • Dance Dance Revolution can be deadly.
  • The true meaning of nigga.
  • Eye patches do not negatively affect depth perception.
  • Giant moon boots increase your capability to dance.

Final Take

This was a pretty damn good thursday movie.  It was post-apocalyptic, had decent production values, and ended with a BJ.  The house rule for 4-letter swears would be an advanced rule all by itself.  The word “fuck” was used over 250 times.  This is up there as one of the better Thursday movies we’ve watched in a while.  Watch it and don’t expect it to be serious and you’ll end up having a great time.

10
Nov
12

The Incredible Hulk Returns

Starring: Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno

Plot: 

It’s been two years since the Hulk has surfaced, and Dr David Bruce Banner is on the verge of curing himself of the Hulk. A device he helped create, the Gamma Transponder, will rid him of his own Gamma radiation, among other uses. Enter Don Blake, a former colleague of Banner’s, who is now in possession of a mystic hammer which can summon Thor, an ancient Viking warrior. When the Gamma Transponder is nearly stolen and Banner’s girlfriend is kidnapped, Banner must abandon the hope of being cured and rely on the Hulk and Thor to save the day.

Rules: 

  • Hulk Transforms
  • Hulk Flexes
  • Hulk goes through walls
  • Hulk picks up something abnormally heavy
  • Thor is summoned
  • Thor says “Oden’s Beard!”

Quotes: 

  • “Be Safe love.”   “Yeeeessssss”
  • “This is the 80’s.  I don’t know what a good cause is anymore.”
  • “When men and women ate life with shining teeth.”
  • “You look like a rat-tailed saxon to me.”
  • “You two attack the front while I engage these weasels from the rear.”

The Final Word

This was a backfill.  We originally watched this movie a few years ago and recorded it in the original Lip Log.  I don’t remember anything of this movie, if that tells you something.  Hulk gets angry, transforms, and for some reason moves in slow motion anytime he is the hulk.  I don’t even remember what Thor does.  Probably smashes things with a hammer.  View this movie at your own risk.

26
Oct
12

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Plot:

Abe Lincoln hates vampires.  He hunts them.  They have something to do with slavery.  Somehow he becomes president. The end.

Rules:

  • “Abraham”
  • Axe tricks/Axe swinging
  • Cliche Lincoln Crap (Honest, Beard, Top Hat, etc.)
  • Vampires talking about their long lives.
  • Other historical figures make an appearance.

Quotes: 

None worth mentioning.  A first!

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Lincoln is so out of place at these high-society events.”
  • “I played this game when it was Sunset Riders.”
  • “The beard of power!”
  • “The ladies called him ‘Baberaham.'”
  • “What’s with the shopkeeper acting all weird?  There’s something going on there…”
  • “This explains that silver collection campaign that actually happened during the Civil War.”

What We Learned:

  • Vampires were everywhere in pre-Civil War America.
  • Vampires long ago learned how to live in the sun.
  • Abraham had a gun axe.  Surprise!
  • Advanced vampires know Karate.
  • Vampires cannot kill their own kind.
  • Vampires fought for the South (suspected, but now we know)



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