Archive for January, 2015

30
Jan
15

Sabotage (2014)

Sabotage

Viewing Date: 1/29/15

Starring:  Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sam Worthington, Joe Manganiello, Josh Holloway, and Terrence Howard

Plot:  Members of an elite DEA task force find themselves being taken down one by one after they rob a drug cartel safe house. (From IMDB)

Rules:

-Illegal activity

-Cops die

-Schwarzeneggerisms – smoking cigars, bad puns/one liners, flexing unnecessarily, feats of strength

-Bad American accents done by non – Americans

Quotes:

“I’m not going to stick my dick where your dick has been.”

“It doesn’t look like a dick.”

“It’s time to do the Lord’s work.” = going to a strip club

“Pull your fuc%in panties out of your ass and drink a fuc%in beer.”

“Nick, wake up you drunk fuc%.”

“That’s what you get for fingering the devil’s pu$$y.”

“You’re awesome on a road trip, you know that?”

“What the hell are we doing here?  We could be drinking beers and throwing dollar bills at someone naked.”

“Ammo’s cheap.  My life ain’t.”

Viewer Quotes:

“How old is Schwarzenegger now?  78?”

“These are the worst cops ever.”

“In the 80’s cool guys lived in their mobile homes… Peeing in their sinks.”

“I hated Michael from Lost.”

Things we learned:

-Wrapping bodies in chicken wire and dumping them in a pond keeps them from floating up.

-A lot of decent actors can’t make a bad movie work.

-The cartel is not someone you want to fuc% with.

-Innocent cyclists are the best way to stop a bad guy in a car chase.

Final Take:

The whole movie should have been like the last 20 minutes – silly and gratuitous.  In general it was gratuitous but it took itself way too seriously.  There was a great cast, but they did nothing with it.  This was a wasted opportunity all the way around.

Advertisements
23
Jan
15

Dark Space

darkspace

Viewing Date: 1/22/15

StarringAlana Dietze, Steve West, Tonya Kay

Plot: When their shuttle is damaged on the way to Centari Five, six friends are forced to crash land on the surface of a mysterious alien planet. Stranded with little hope of rescue, it soon becomes clear that they are not alone. Hunted by the planet’s ferocious inhabitants and targeted by heavily-armed forces, they will have to struggle just to survive.

Rules:

  • “Shelly”
  • Groan-worthy moments
  • Creature vision (house rule, but it happens all the time in this one)
  • They show an alien’s legs walking or close up of its face

Quotes:

  • “If you’re wondering why my hands feel so strong, it’s because they are.”
  • “i’ll bet you 50 credits he doesn’t weld that gap before the trip’s over.””

Viewer Quotes

  • “It moves at the speed of lightning, but only when your back is turned.”
  • “I’d solder that alien’s face closed right now.” – “I’d solder it’s neck open.”

What We Learned

  • Make sure to wear seat belts during re-entry from space.
  • In the future, you can rent space crafts.
  • Alien worlds look just like earth, with the same flora, but quite different fauna
16
Jan
15

Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power

A1o8jBofp7L._SL1500_

Viewing Date: 1/15/15

Starring: Victor Webster, Barry Bostwick, Lou Ferrigno, Rutger Hauer, Royce Gracie, Michael Biehn

Rules

  • Say “Scorpion King” (house rules)
  • See scorpions
  • Alaire opens the door
  • Say “Alcamin”
  • You see an washed up “star”
  • Say “Drazen”

Quotes

“We haven’t eaten dinner yet.  Who’s hungry?”

“Don’t worry- it will only hurt for a moment.”

“Maybe its a different hole.”

“You’ve heard of the horse whisperer…”

Viewer Quotes

“Its got monsters and robots.”  “And robot monsters.”  (Deterring a two year old from wanting to watch the movie)

“Is that the Women’s Fighting League?  The WFL?”

“Wasn’t Don the Dragon Wilson in this movie?”

What We Learned

  • You can use a bear skin rug as a weapon.  Its much scarier than a sword.
  • When you’re in a bind, a child pickpocket will show up to save the day.
  • There are medieval bands everywhere.
  • Midgets love burps
  • Putting on a metal suit will give you the power of magnetism (and super strength)
  • Don “the Dragon” Wilson wasn’t in nearly as many popular movies as you thought
09
Jan
15

Kangaroo Jack

kangaroo_jack

Date Watched: 1/8/15

Starring: Christopher Walken, Jerry O’Connell, Anthony Anderson

Plot: Two childhood friends, a New York hairstylist and a would-be musician, get caught up with the mob and are forced to deliver $50,000 to Australia, but things go haywire when the money is lost to a wild kangaroo.  Way to go, Bruckheimer.

Rules

  • Zany chases
  • Stock footage (house rule, but just a reminder because this one pays off here)
  • “Kangaroo”
  • Cartoon sound effects
  • Christopher Walken uses a big word
  • Kangaroo eats candy

Quotes

  • “Her tears are like a plethora to me.  Wait, they’re like anathema to me.  I can’t even talk right now!”
  • “I just got my ass kicked by a marsupial.”
  • “I put the money in the jacket, and the jacket on the kangaroo, and now he hoppin’ away.”
  • “What are these things?”  –  “Termite mounds.  I read about them in the book.”  –  “Careful, Louis, you almost missed one!”
  • “If Sal Maggio thinks we stole his money, he’ll kill us, make my mother watch, then make her clean it up!”
  • “I think I just sweated out a bottle of yohoo I drank in the eighth grade.”
  • “You just complain and whine line a woman.”
  • “They’re having a picnic in my shorts and I brought the sweets.”
  • “Hey, I had to come all the way down here to the sphincter of the galaxy to straighten out this puked up, fur ball of a mess.  Do not agitate me!”
  • “I hate this country like a sickness.”
  • “Guilt was the glue that held this friendship together.”
  • “We’re having a very intimate non-gay moment.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “If there’s a reference to camel toes, we have to drink.”

What We Learned

  • Kangaroo Jack is a serious, classically trained actor.
  • A kangaroo can outrun a jeap
  • Kangaroo Jack does not inspire a lot of viewer quotes.
  • The only time Kangaroo Jack speaks is during fever dreams.
  • Kangaroos like candy.
  • It’s not a good idea to dress an apparently dead kangaroo up in your clothes and take pictures with it.

Final Take

This was a bit funnier than I initially would have thought.  It starts out terrible, with a stupid premise and two awful characters, but it actually starts to grow on you a bit as the movie progresses.  Right at the end, when you’re thinking “Hey, I guess this wasn’t as bad as I’d heard”, it kicks you in the face with 10 minutes of pure sap that it is better just to forget.  I’d recommend watching it, but turn it off before the credits.