Posts Tagged ‘Bad Movies

30
Aug
18

Hardcore Henry (2015)

Hardcore Henry

Viewing Date:  8/30/18

Starring:  Sharlto Copley, Tim Roth, and you (as Henry)

Plot:  Henry is resurrected from death with no memory, and he must save his wife from a telekinetic warlord with a plan to bio-engineer soldiers.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Every time they say “Henry”
  • Every time Henry falls down
  • Video game clichés
  • Screen glitches

Quotes:

  • “All you got to do is pull out his f&cking heart and eat it.”
  • “You’re half machine, half p&ssy.”
  • “Hi, I’m a f&ckin’ car baby.  Lexus convertible.”
  • “How sweet, if I took this moment and put it in a cup of tea, I wouldn’t need sugar.”
  • “Put the proto baby down.”
  • “As my father used to say, a grenade a day keeps the doctor away.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This is all a f&cking video game.”
  • “Is that Mathew McConaughey?”
  • “That’s the way I’d want to go out… in a dance fight.”

Things we learned:

  • Telekinetic bad guys like to masturbate using a baseball bat.
  • Sharlto Copley likes drugs.  A lot.  And he dies a lot too.

Final Take:

It’s not a perfect movie by any means, but it is truly weird enough to recommend.  The FPS (First Person Shooter) perspective can be off putting at times.  In general though, there’s always something going on, and the overall strangeness and Sharlto Copley going all in on his role really makes this a pretty solid BMT flick.

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29
Jun
18

Assassination Games (2011)

assassination games

Date Watched: 6/28/18

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme

Plot: Two assassins agree to work together as one tries to avenge his wife and the other collect a reward for a job.  (From IMDB)

Rules:
-Van Damme putting on/taking off sunglasses
-Flashbacks
-say “Polo”

Quotes:

“He was the best hitman on our payroll.”
“How did you do that? How did you get him to come out?” (In regards to the young woman stroking a turtle to make his head come out like an erection.)
“I sleep fine. I’m a weapon.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Oh yeah, she’s turned on by JCVD.”
“I’m no Eastern European hitman, but I know that I probably wouldn’t f$ck around with those guys or Jean-Claude Van Damme.”

Things We Learned:

-You can use a secret faucet handle in a crappy Romanian apartment to get to an a hidden giant apartment, even though it’s pretty obvious that the smaller apartment doesn’t have a bed and must really be bigger. (Even a young traumatized hooker can figure out a way into this “secret” room in minutes.)
-JCVD likes to utilize a crossbow with poisoned arrows for his hits.
-JCVD gets angry if you interrupt his violin playing when you’re being beaten by your deadbeat boyfriend with a switch.
-Mob bosses in Ukraine actually have hearts of gold.
-When someone says that they’re Santa Claus, you should cut their ear off with a box cutter.

Final Take:

3 stars. Better than average. Nothing special, but it wasn’t boring and it kept things moving. Plus, JCVD with a crossbow and a samurai sword is a nice touch.

 

10
May
18

Vengeance: A Love Story (2017)

Vengeance

Date Watched: 5/10/18

Plot: A gulf war veteran seeks vengeance against those who assaulted a single mother.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Nic Cage, Don Johnson

Rules:
-Gorgeous ladies all over Nic Cage
-Nic Cage throwing or beating people up
-Every time Don Johnson is silver tongued
-Nic Cage at the falls

Quotes:

“His cousin’s a plumber, always buying his wife that expensive jewelry and sh%t.”
From the priest, “A gang rape in the city park, that’s bad for business.”
“Raising two kids is the same as raising one, that’s why a woman’s got two t&ts.”

Viewer Quotes:
“Enough of this. Nic Cage needs to start killing people.”
“Is there going to be like 5 min of Nic Cage exacting justice?”

Things we Learned:
15 people can drink 5 kegs.
At 54, Nic Cage is still holding out for a daughter.

Final Take:

This should have been much better.  It had all of the ingredients for success, including of course a fired up Nic Cage, and Don Johnson as a slimy antihero.  The movie squandered all of that promise by limiting the Nic Cage rage time and amping up  the unnecessarily graphic rape scene.  Also, the entire town and judicial system turning against this poor mom was a big turnoff.  There are other much better Cage movies out there that are more deserving of your time.

22
Mar
18

Killing Season (2013)

killing season

Date Watched: 3/22/18

Plot:  Two veterans of the Bosnian War, one American, one Serbian, find their unlikely friendship tested when one of them reveals their true intentions.  (From IMDB)

Starring: John Travolta and Robert Deniro

Rules:
See or say “Scorpions”
Terrible Eastern European Accent
Shooting things with a bow
Idioms
Johnny Cash is playing
One person tortures another

Quotes:
“I worked with fiberglass in factory.”
“You’re a weird duck.”
“What is this, kicker?”
“What if I like pain?”… “This might be your lucky day.”

Viewer Quotes:

“God, that is a bad accent”
“Is he still a Scientologist?”
“I bet I could do a better Bosnian accent than this.”

Things we learned:
You can torture someone with salty lemonade.

Final Thought:

Eh.

01
Feb
18

Cult of Chucky (2017)

Cult of Chucky.jpg

Date watched: 2/1/18

Starring: Jennifer Tilly

Plot: Chucky returns to terrorize his human victim, Nica. Meanwhile, the killer doll has some scores to settle with his old enemies, with the help of his former wife.  (From IMDB.)

Rules:
-Say Chucky
-Chucky doll blinks
-Shots of Chucky’s hand by itself reaching to do stuff

Quotes:

“She’s not ok. Chucky told me.”
“Did anyone ever tell you that you look a lot like Jennifer Tilly?” (said to Jennifer Tilly.)

Viewer Quotes:
“This is a lot of character build up for characters that I don’t give two sh$ts about.”

Things We Learned:

You can buy Chucky dolls at Hot Topic.
Cucky can stitch people up when they’re bleeding.
You can breast feed Chucky.
Chucky dolls have guts.

Final Take:
2 stars for the gore and being generally not boring. Lazy ending that never went anywhere.

15
Dec
17

All Through the House (2015)

Viewing Date: 12/14/17

Starring:  No One

Plot:  A deranged masked Santa-Slayer comes to town for some yuletide-terror. He leaves behind a bloody trail of mutilated bodies as he hunts his way to the front steps of the town’s most feared and notorious home.  (via IMDB)

Rules:

  • Typical Christmas kills (icicles, candy canes, etc.)
  • Cutaways of blood splashing
  • Dis”member”ing

Quotes:

“Close your eyes and open your mouth. I’ve got a big package ready for
delivery.”
“Hey, I was only like 5 fking years old when I was told that story.”
“She’s not really a people person.”
“Poor poor dear, you’re mother was a filthy whore.”

Viewer Quotes:

“She’s really weird looking.” “Which one?”
“I really should have all kinds of creepy life size Santas in my house. Kids
would love that.”
“You know what that means, it’s penis cutting time.”
“That’s one thing we can say about this movie, it’s all that and a bag of
dicks.”
“That’s the way I’d want to go… being sufficated by a dickless Santa with
mannequins waving at me.”

What We Learned:

  • Deranged Santas will kill you and your cat.
  • When you least expect it, you get a bag full of dicks.
  • There’s nothing worse than a dickless man.

Final Take:

It was ok.  The Christmas theme is really window dressing.  This “story” as it were could have taken place anytime.  There was a lot focus on penises for some reason.  There might have been some deeper meaning at play here, but honestly we didn’t care.  2 out of 5.

03
Nov
17

Security (2017)

Security

Date Watched: 11/2/2017

Starring: Antonio Banderas and Ben Kingsley

Plot: A security guard protects an eleven year-old girl who is being targeted by a gang for participating as a trial witness. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • See an American Flag
  • See generic mall imagery like cheesy family pictures on the wall

Quotes:

  • “You like cleaning toilets?”  (Response)  “I’d do anything.”
  • “That’s why we call him Mason Bacon.”
  • “Right now time is our enemy.  Lets make time our friend.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Did Antonio Banderas actually make any movies that made money… not counting Shrek or the first Zorro?”  (Response)  “Of course he did.  He was an A List star at one point… (looking at IMDB) oh wait, never mind.”
  • “Is this the Ecks vs. Sever sequel?”
  • “The pitch for this movie: Lets do Die Hard in a mall with a little slice of Home Alone.”

Things We Learned:

  • Snipers hired by Ben Kingsley are terrible.
  • When Antonio Banderas promises you that if you stay with him you’ll be fine, you won’t be, you’ll be dead.

Final Take:  Entertaining and highly watchable.  Everyone takes this movie very seriously, as they should.  The production values and the cast elevate this silly material way above where it should be.