Posts Tagged ‘boring

21
Feb
19

Robo Vampire 3 aka The Vampire is Still Alive aka Counter Destroy (1989)

Counter Destroy

Viewing Date: 2/21/19

Starring: No One

Plot: Joyce rents an old haunted home to pen her horror script, which releases an evil army of robot vampires, a knife-wielding demon and a battalion of otherworldly creatures (from IMDB).

Rules:
Something supernatural happens
Vampires
Abrupt scene changes

Quotes:
“Why man kill 2 beautiful girl.”
“I forgot to tell him we are the police.”
“You’re efficiency is extremely low. You’ve got to take some action now.”

Viewer Quotes:
“Why couldn’t they be in the bath together, shaving each other with a can of Barbasal.”
“Those are nice melons.”
“This is probably the most incoherent plot we’ve ever watched on a BMT.”

Things We Learned:
Rotary phones can kill.
The sacred bird can tell your fortune from sealed envelopes.
Vampires hop like rabbits.
The best way to kill someone is jumping over a car and slicing them with a putty knife.

Final Take:

Bad, and not in a good way.  We cannot recommend this movie, as it was a slog to get through.  Too bad.  There was a lot of potential here, but the mishmash of a bunch of other movies doesn’t work.

24
Aug
12

Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies (2012)

Image

Plot:

While the Civil War rages on, President Abraham Lincoln must undertake an even more daunting task – destroying the Confederate Undead. *Note – all undead are from the south.

Starring Sean Penn (allegedly)

Rules:

  • “Operation Shanty”
  • Decapitations
  • “Mr. Brown”
  • Historical figure references from out of nowhere.

Quotes:

  • “Zombies?!  That sounds like slave talk to me, sir!”
  • “Emancipate this!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Is that supposed to be Benjamin Franklin?”
  • “Why is he the only one moving in slow motion?”
  • “How are they going to get anywhere, walking like they’re walking?”
  • “Why didn’t he bring soldiers instead of this troupe of gentlemen?”
  • “Didn’t he tell these dudes what they were in for first?”
  • “Is he really named Brown?  Was this made in 2012?”
  • “Bam!  What can Brown do for you?”
  • “Why is this guy being such a douche to Lincoln when he’s the one that’s been saving their bacon?”
  • “Why didn’t he just jump to the side of that train?  Why run along the tracks?”
  • “Why do they keep leaving the fort?  They just keep losing people every time they leave!”
  • “I hear it went well?  They lost almost everyone that went with them!”
  • “Whores and no boobs?  Come on…”

What We Learned:

  • Abraham Lincoln led his own poorly run special missions with ill-informed untrained gentlemen. 
  • Lincoln’s mother was a zombie.
  • Abraham Lincoln has poor taste in women and nearly married a whore.
  • Abraham Lincoln always uses the back door.
  • Teddy Roosevelt got the quote “Walk softly and carry a big stick” from Lincoln.
  • People from the south are completely unreasonable.  They will not even make peace with the north long enough to destroy the zombies in their fort. 
  • Every plan should involve ziplines.



April 2020
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