Archive for February, 2014

28
Feb
14

Stranded

Image

Starring: Christian Slater and meteor man

Date Watched: 2/27/14

Plot: Four astronauts working at a lunar base suffer a meteor strike that brings an infection that leads to paranoia, fear and death.

Rules

  • People refer to meteors or you see meteors
  • Malfunctions
  • Shots of outside that are obviously models
  • Excuses for seeing the alien
  • Alien noises
  • Hallucinations

Quotes

  • “I’m sensing what it’s doing”
  • “My guess is…is that it sampled Bruce’s DNA when it bit him.  It figured out that the male was physically stronger so it replicated itself into him to survive.”
  • “It’s taken on human form.  It should be easier to find.”
  • “It is clearly a threat to mankind”

Viewer Quotes

  • “It’s an inherently smart organism.  It doesn’t learn, it just knows.”
  • “Those space masks are just gas masks with hoses attached.”
  • “Step 1 is for you to get back to Earth with your terrible space disease.  That’s all that matters.”

What We Learned

  • Aliens can read our positions through their human hosts
  • When an airlock is open things move in slow motion
  • Aliens are inherently smart, knowing how to use complex systems the day they are born without training of any kind.
  • The best way to treat carbon monoxide poisoning in an inebriated person is to put them on a treadmill.   
  • Escape pods take a long time to prep.  Do not count on them in emergencies.   
  • Alien species exist simply to kill all humans.  Just because there can be only one species.
  • Aliens are masters of human hand to hand combat

Final Take

 

21
Feb
14

Bullet to the Head (2012)

Bullet to the Head

 

Viewing Date:  2/20/14

Starring:  Sylvester Stallone, Jason Momoa, Christian Slater

Plot:

In New Orleans, the hit men James Bonomo, a.k.a. Jimmy Bobo, and Louis Blanchard execute the dirty cop Hank Greely in a hotel room. But they are betrayed and Louis is stabbed in a bar by the mercenary Keegan while waiting for the payment of the contract. Meanwhile the Washington D.C. police detective Taylor Kwon comes to New Orleans to investigate the murder of Greely, who had stolen evidences from the Police Department. Soon he is shot by two dirty detectives but Jimmy saves his life. Jimmy brings Taylor to the shop of his daughter Lisa and she removes the bullet from his shoulder and nurses him. Taylor and Jimmy form the most unlikely partnership to investigate the crimes and after contacting the intermediate Ronnie Earl that had hired Jimmy and Louis, they discover a network of corruption formed by the lawyer Marcus Baptiste and the entrepreneur Robert Nkomo Morel. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Bullets to the head
  • Unnecessary flexing
  • Especially unintelligible dialogue
  • Breaking through stuff
  • Cats
  • Emphasis on tattoos
  • Say “Bobo”
  • Internal Monologues
  • Say “crescent city”

Quotes:

“Your choice, but make up your mind because my f@@king arm is getting tired.”

“Give him a band aid and a blow pop.”

“Rip it and zip it party boy.”

“When I want your opinion, I’ll buy you a brain.”

“Are we gonna fight, or are you going to bore me to death”

“What are we, f@@king Vikings?”

Viewer Quotes:

Question: “Do you think I could get away with walking into a bar and putting down a bottle of Bourbon and paying $25 for a glass”  Answer: “Maybe if you’re name is Bobo.”

“Christian Slater keeps making new shows, but they keep getting canceled.”

“This movie’s just going to pass us by, and we won’t remember anything about it.”

“I shot him, you’re welcome.”

Things we learned:

Stallone keeps awkward party masks on him at all times in order to fit in at naked lady costume parties.

Christian Slater talks toughs, but will fold after being hit once and give away any secret he has ever been told.

Stallone keeps his car wired to explode at all times.

New Orleans is the Crescent City.

Every cop is dirty in New Orleans.

Your safe house needs a trap door to be able to escape into the bayou.

Final take:

Two weeks from now we will have no clue what this movie was about.  I don’t know that I remember what this movie was about now.  I know that several people got shot in the head and that a couple of people had tattoos.  I think Stallone made several racially insensitive quotes about the Asian lead police officer, but I couldn’t really make out what he was saying, so I don’t know for sure.

17
Feb
14

Rubber

Rubber-2010-film-poster

Viewing Date: Jan 30, 2014

Starring: Robert the tire

Plot

When Robert, a tire, discovers his destructive telepathic powers, he soon sets his sights on a desert town; in particular, a mysterious woman becomes his obsession.

Rules

  • Exploding heads or animals
  • Breaking the “4th wall”
  • Insect / telekinesis sounds
  • Psychokinetic powers
  • Peanut gallery commentary
  • Weird music that just doesn’t belong
  • “No reason.”

Quotes

“My God the kid was right.  The killer is the tire!”

“What position?  “Probably start with a nice blow job.”

“Get that dirty tire out of the pool or I’m going to get really mad!”

“Is the tire black?”

“You’re nothing but a rubber shit.”

“It’s not the end!!  He’s been reincarnated as a tricycle!”

Viewer Quotes

“How much time is left in this?”

“At least it was short.”

What We Learned

  • Tires have telekinesis
  • Tires can be reincarnated as tricycles
  • Women should close the door when they take showers in shitty motels.
  • There is no reason for anything
  • All important films contain an element of ‘no reason’
  • Some bad movies go by faster than you’d expect.

Final Take

This one had been on our list for a long time.  It seems like a wonderfully bad concept, but the filmmakers really have to beat you over the head with the fact that the film is all for no reason.  Really, we would be fine with “no reason”, but we are not fine with “no fun to watch”.  Unfortunately, this movie was both.

08
Feb
14

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Conan the Destroyer

 

Date Watched: 1/9/2014

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlin

Plot:

The wandering barbarian, Conan, alongside his goofy rogue pal, Malak, are tasked with escorting Queen Taramis’ virgin niece, Princess Jehnna and her bodyguard, Bombaata, to a mystical island fortress. They must retrieve a magical crystal that legends say can awaken the god of dreams, Dagoth. Along the way, Conan reunites with the wise wizard, Akiro and befriends the fierce female fighter, Zula. Together the heroes face ancient traps, powerful Wizards, plots of betrayal, and even the dream god, Dagoth, himself! (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Beheadings
  • Limbs chopped off
  • Say Cimmerian
  • Whip sounds
  • Feats of strength
  • Punching animals
  • Wizard performs magic

Advanced rule:

Say Bombaata

Quotes:

“You’re afraid of magic… and you will have to deal with it.”

“What good are swords against magic?”

“She must be a virgin when she’s returned to me… so she can be properly sacrificed.”

“I suppose nothing hurts you… only pain.”

“If you really want a man, you must join.  I mean how do you think flowers grow.”

“The girl’s destiny is to deliver a horn.”

“Every king has a fool.”  Response – “Oh, do I qualify?”

 

Viewer Quotes:

“Wow, did he just punch the horse?”

“What, he now just knocked out a camel!!!”

“Did he just say that you’ll touch the chest of a hairy man?”

“Could you imagine being on set in 1984 when this was being shot with Arnold, Grace Jones, and Wilt Chamberlin?  The coke fueled orgies!  I wonder if there is a documentary of this?”

 

Things We Learned:

Conan really hates animals and likes to punch them at each open opportunity.

Olivia d’Abo in the movie is the cousin of Maryam d’Abo and way hot in 1984.  She was also in the Wonder Years and yet another example of Kevin’s craziness that he would choose the ugly mongoose Winny Cooper over this hot tamale.

 

Final Take:

This is a prime example of a Bob Barker movie, in that the sequel has been vastly neutered from the original to secure a lower film rating.  (Ie Robocop is “R” and then Robocop 3 is “PG-13”.  Police Academy is “R”, Police Academy 2 “PG-13”, Police Academy 3 “PG”.  etc.)  Why do studios insist on doing this?  This never ends well, as maybe more kids can see the movie, but the final product is as watered down as a gin and tonic at a Chili’s in Provo, Utah.

So, Conan is back, but it’s a different genre.  Gone are the boobies and blood and instead we get family entertainment.  Conan should be deflowering virgins, not protecting them.

There is a lot of ridiculous wizardry and animal punching, so I would still give a BMT recommendation.

08
Feb
14

Gymkata (1985)

Gymkata

Date Watched: 10/24/13

Starring: Kurt Thomas

Plot:

Johnathan Cabot is a champion gymnast. In the tiny, yet savage, country of Parmistan, there is a perfect spot for a “star wars” site. For the US to get this site, they must compete in the brutal “Game”. The government calls on Cabot, the son of a former operative, to win the game. Cabot must combine his gymnastics skills of the west with fighting secrets of the east and form GYMKATA! (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Kicks using gymnastics equipment
  • Dismounts
  • Say “Star Wars”
  • Unnecessary gymnastic moves

Quotes:

“No outsider has ever won the game in over 900 years.”

“Just a little Anti-American sentiment… aaarggggh!”

“Its not over yet, so put your hardware back in your pants.”

Viewer Quotes:

“She doesn’t speak… some might say the perfect woman.”

“The Asian woman is taller than him.  That’s not a good sign.”

“His whole life he came up short, no pun intended.”

“Is this the most dangerous game?”

“Gymkata is the currency of nations.”

Things we learned:

Small towns and villages often have gymnastics apparatus as part of their downtown décor to aid in the kicking of bad guys.

Final take:

An 80’s hidden classic.  There is really no reason for this movie to have been made, and it shows!  Bad plotting, bad acting, silly action set pieces – aka the perfect Bad Movie Thursday movie.  I would encourage anyone who comes across this little gem to grab a case of Rainier Ice, sit back, and enjoy.  Extra points if you watch the entire movie with the sound off and “You’re the best” from the Karate Kid playing on repeat in the background.