Archive for the 'Postapocalyptic' Category

16
May
14

Bounty Killer

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Starring: Lady Terminator

Date Watched: 5/25/2014

Plot

Bounty killers in a post-apocalyptic wasteland kill corporate fat cats and they may even get paid for it, but maybe they just do it for fun.  Also, PBR is a national treasure!

Rules

  • Saying “Bounty Killer” (House rule, but make sure you keep it in mind.  It pays off in spades)
  • “Mary Death”
  • “Drifter”
  • Eagle screech/rattlesnake noise
  • “The council”
  • Gary Busey says something awesome.
  • PBR
  • “Funny Bunny” (Finger Bunny, whichever)

Quotes

  • “I can’t have you following me, finger bunny”
  • “Fuck, gypsies?  We’re dead!”
  • “I’m so fat.  They’re going to love me, I’m so marbled!”
  • “Drifter is so full of prizes.” <slurred>
  • “I hope he don’t go blind and his pecker don’t fall off.”
  • “Button your lip, short dick”
  • “Oh, that taste like boobies.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This is like a video game.  All style and no substance.”
  • “This is a lot like Barb Wire!”  –  “That’s true.  It’s a good companion piece.”  –  “Acting’s better, though”
  • “There’s nothing prettier than a girl with a half-painted skull on her face.”
  • “What the hell is a finger bunny?”
  • “He’s controlling the motorcycles like horses.”
  • “You’d better stop and axe somebody!”
  • “This movie needs more Gary Busey…said no one ever.”
  • “Maybe funny bunny makes more sense than finger bunny.”
  • “That looked really stupid, but I’ll allow it.”

What We Learned

  • In the future they only have old classic cars.
  • Gypsies are drunken cannibals with immaculate clown faces
  • A lethal axe can be made out of a stop sign.
  • PBR is like liquid gold after the apocalypse.
  • PBR tastes like boobies.
  • When you exit the badlands you go over a jump.
  • Nothing says I love you like getting stabbed in the spleen.
  • Fuel and ammunition are not a concern after the apocalypse.
  • White collar criminals have jetpacks.

Final Take

This was a surprisingly entertaining movie, almost a diamond in the rough.  Actually, diamond is a bit much.  More like a shiny rock in the rough.  It tried to be kind of artistic, almost feeling a bit like Sin City at times, but for the most part it was just ridiculous gun fights and explosions, with a little T & A thrown in for good measure.  There was even some decent comedy sprinkled around.  This movie was pretty much picked at random so getting some memorable entertainment out of it was a nice surprise.  Give it a watch.

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02
May
14

Barb Wire

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Viewing Date: 05/01/2014

Starring: Pamela Anderson Lee, a bunch of 90’s actors that we recognize, but don’t know their names, Clint Howard

Plot:

21st century. USA. The second civil war. The whole country is in a state of emergency. What was formerly called the American Congress now rules with fascistic methods. There is only one free city left, Steel Harbor, headquarter for the resistance. This is the hometown of Barb Wire, owner of the night club Hammerhead. As times aren’t good, Barb has a second job. She’s a bounty hunter and you probably wouldn’t want her after you. Barb’s credo is to never take sides for anybody and that’s the only way to survive these days. As her former lover Axel Hood appears asking for a favor, Barb suddenly finds herself to be key player on high political stage. Now she has to take sides…  (from IMDB)

Rules:

  • Bad voiceovers
  • Gratuitous boob shots
  • “Steel Harbor”
  • “Barb Wire”, “Wire” “Barb”
  • Sleazy saxophone or guitar riffs
  • Barb changes outfits or hairstyles

Quotes:

“Did you wash your hands?”  “No, I was bad.”

“That was nice kickin’.  You really know your stuff, babe.”

“Drink when you want to remember, not when you want to forget.”

“How utterly goddamn heroic.”

“I picked them up on the boulevard.” “I like a good manage every now and then.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Is that a hair change?”  “I’ll count it.”

“There’s nothing too inspiring about this movie.”

“It’s interesting to think that Boba Fett had sex with Barb Wire.”

“That wasn’t part of the deal- Big Fatso.”

 

What We Learned:

  • Big Fatso is head of the underworld in the post apocalyptic future
  • In the future they use whistles a lot
  • In 2017 there is waterproof leather
  • The exchange rate heavily favors the Canadian dollar in 2017
  • Living in the only free city doesn’t mean a lot since the Congressional Republic seems to be able to do whatever they want there.
  • Graham is quite the photographer
  • Wheelies make you more effective in combat
  • Corsets, leather and fishnets are standard dress in the future if you want people to take you seriously.

 

Final Take:

This movie shows up on a lot of “worst ever” lists for good reason.  Not memorable, terrible acting and paper thin plot.  Not even that much fun to watch, but at least it wasn’t completely boring.

20
Sep
13

The Plague

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Viewing Date: 9/19/2013

Plot: All children in the world under the age of 9 go into a catatonic coma for 10 years.  They wake up and begin killing all the adults.  Everybody wins!

Starring: James Van Der Beek

Rules

  • White eyeballs
  • Fear.net ads (we watched this on Comcast on demand)
  • Kids have a seizure
  • You see the “Grapes of Wrath” book
  • Kids steal someone’s soul
  • Meaningful glances
  • Religious idolatry

Quotes

“I don’t have all the answers.  What do you think I am?  A freakin’ newscaster?”

“I’m not built for this shit.”

“Give me the morphine.  Never mind, I’ll…”   Bang.

Viewer Quotes

“Who thinks he is going to commit suicide here?” (he did)

What We Learned

We learned very little, but if anything:

Eventually kids will kill you- they are demonic and will steal your soul.

Younger kids are the creepiest and have the most power.

Kids who have been in a coma for 10 years have no problem with muscle atrophy and are amazingly coordinated and strong.

Final Take

This movie seemed to be missing about 15 critical minutes to explain what was actually going on.  I get the “open to interpretation” thing, but “The Plague” didn’t even give us enough to think we weren’t smart enough to get what the movie was about.  Just poorly put together.  It had a few intense sequences, but it was very light ondialogue and not a great choice for Bad Movie Thursday (note the lack of quotes, decent rules, and ‘things we learned’).  Well, you can’t win them all.

12
Jul
13

America 3000

ImageDate Watched: 7/11/2013

Starring: Laurene Landon and Beastman

Plot: This movie supposedly takes place 900 years in the future after a nuclear war between the Mericans and Commies has decimated mankind.  In a crazy twist on the current state of affairs, war-like women now rule the world and keep men as slaves.  Will the infighting and jealousy of the ruling women be their undoing?  Will the pure hearts of the men grant them freedom from their oppressors?  Will someone please pick a better soundtrack for this movie?

Rules:

  • Whiplash noise
  • Woman punches man
  • Song starts that has nothing to do with the movie.
  • New word is translated for us.
  • Slow Motion
  • “Neggy” or “Plugot” <advanced rule>

Quotes:

  • “…and the world was woggos.” – “(In the old speak, that means crazy!”
  • “I went for the weps, he went for the eats.”
  • “Neggy more machos, neggy more toys.”  – “Neggy more seeders?”  – “Neggy more seeders!”
  • “Everything was going hot plastic.”
  • “Taste this.  It tastes cold woggos but it makes you feel hot plastic.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This is a coke-fueled disaster.”
  • “That hat was pretty nice-looking for being 900 years old.”
  • “We just have to get through this elaborate plot setup and then this movie’s going to pick up steam.”
  • “This movie is neggy plastic.”
  • “Look!  The rolling stones farewell tour!”
  • “That was the best ending I could have imagined!”

What We Learned:

  • A new language where plastic takes on a whole new meaning.
  • The Rolling Stones went on a farewell tour in 1989.
  • Reagan was into Centipede and Pinball and had a huge stack of playboys.  And lasers.
  • When you’re in a war and have the only laser gun, don’t bother using it.
  • If the world was run by women, men would be machos, seeders, and toys, and women would be very war-like.

Final Take

This movie was pretty entertaining.  There were a few places where it really slows down and you start losing interest, but on the whole it wasn’t bad.  At first I couldn’t understand half of what they were talking about.  They use some weird made up slang that is complete nonsense when you initially hear it.  But I will admit, it does grow on you.  By the end I had neggy problems at all and everything was hot plastic.  Also, the narrator was awful.  I wish that was an audio track I could just turn off, but there was neggy an option for that.  In spite of that, I have to give this movie a solid recommendation.

18
May
13

Rottweiler

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Date Watched:  5/16/2013

Starring:  A guy that looks vaguely like Sawyer from Lost, Zeus the Rottweiler

Plot: In 2018, a prisoner escapes into the Spanish countryside, trying to get back to Puerto Angel to find his girlfriend.  Unfortunately for him, he is being pursued by a cyborg rottweiler that kills everything and everyone the prisoner comes in contact with.

Rules

  • Slow motion
  • The Dog’s mouth makes knife noises when it opens and closes.
  • Scorpions
  • Hallucinations
  • The rottweiler kills someone or something
  • *Remember to use standing house rule of “creature vision”*

Movie Quotes

“The old witch doctor thinks the fog is evil.  He has eaten too many mushrooms.”

“You’ll never find her–  that bitch.”

Viewer Quotes:

“That guy has a face problem.”

“There’s a lot of wang shots here.”  “Wang and side balls.”

“The thicker the skin, the sweeter the flesh.”  (from Adam’s creepy dream- not really related to the movie)

“All three together.  Like a happy family.”

What We Learned

  • In Spain women will rape escaped prisoners
  • In the future there is a game called ‘Infiltration’ where you try to immigrate illegally.  Super Fun.
  • Cyborg rottweilers are particularly adept at disposing of guns.
  • When Escaping from prison, its a good idea to climb the highest mountain you can find, then get drunk and high with drug dealers.

Final Take

We enjoyed this movie for something we randomly stumbled across in the free movies on Comcast on demand.  Special effects and gore were decently done and the rottweiler flying through the air to attack people was hilarious.  I liked that the writers and director tried to incorporate a twist-ish ending that sort of worked, but I really wanted to know where the hell the cyborg dog came from.  I mean, I get it that the main character originally smashed the teeth out of and probably killed the warden’s dog with a lead pipe after it killed his girlfriend, but who exactly had the technology or means to convert it into the terminator of dogs?  I also found it interesting that the dog was really the only ‘futuristic’ thing in this movie- but it doesn’t pay to over think the movies we watch on Thursdays.

03
May
13

Death Race 3: Inferno

DeathRace3

Date Watched: 5/2/2013

Starring: Ving Rhames, Danny Trejo

Plot: Convicted cop-killer Carl Lucas, aka Frankenstein, is a superstar driver in the brutal prison yard demolition derby known as Death Race. Only one victory away from winning freedom for himself and his pit crew.  He’s a great guy and everyone else is crazy.  Strap in and get ready.

Rules

  • “Frankenstein”
  • “Death Race” <advanced>
  • Hyenas
  • Car crashes
  • Taking off or putting on the Frankenstein mask
  • Monkey hiding behind a rock <5 drinks, advanced>

Quotes

  • “I’ve been through more shit in my life than most people go through in 10.”
  • “This is a match to the death.  The only rule – Survive!”
  • “The only thing I know about Baja, it’s a style of tacos I like.”
  • “Hang on, I thought you didn’t know anything about this kind of racing.”  “I don’t.  It’s the first thing that came up on Google.”
  • “Stop fucking me with your eyes and let’s get on with this.”
  • “How many lives do you have?”  “At least one more.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Ooh, they’ve got hyenas as guard dogs.  Must be Africa.”
  • “Quick, hold that girl while I punch her in teh face!…Terrible fight scene.”
  • “Danny Trejo looks exactly like a ‘Goldberg’.  Good character choice.”
  • “Why are they in those big hamster wheels?”
  • “This is impossible to watch.  I’m going to have a seizure.”
  • “The thinking is that his secretary will somehow betray him.  Bets?”
  • “Was this movie filmed by a dude with ADD?”
  • “Thinnest …. Plot …. Ever?  I’ve seen porns with more fully fleshed out plots.”
  • “Wouldn’t he have trench foot by now?”
  • “I’m glad they’re giving us the entire back plot.  It’s so complicated I never would have figured it out.”

What We Learned

  • Prisons in Africa are guarded by Hyenas.
  • It’s a good idea for female prisoners in coed prisons to dress really provocatively.  Everything will be fine.
  • Weapons do not come in handy in Death Race.
  • Smart missiles are really smart.  Like follow a man through a house smart.
  • Web Casts can be watched on crappy old analog tv’s in rural Africa.

Final Take

If you liked the first second Death Race, you’ll sure like the second second Death Race.  It’s basically just more of the same.  I’m pretty sure it’s got the exact same cast.  This time instead of racing in a re-purposed warehouse district, they’ve taken the fun to a rally course in South Africa.  The prisoners are heroes with hearts of gold and the villains are the most insanely evil people in the world.  There’s no character development, just nonstop car chases and explosions.  If that sounds good to you then you’ll have a good time watching it.  I did.

12
Apr
13

Bridge of Dragons

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Viewing date: 4/11/13

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, the Nick Nolte of Bulgaria

Plot: Princess Halo doesn’t want to marry General Ruechang.  Warchild (Dolph) is torn between his military orders from Ruechang and his feelings for Princess Halo.  Explosions and jump-kicks occur.

Rules:

  • See a dragon. (this rule didn’t pan out)
  • “Ruechang”
  • “666”
  • Dumb sound-effects.
  • Stunts with trampolines.

Quotes:

“Thank you War Child”

“From this distance, I’d say the scope won’t be necessary.”

“Tomorrow we marry.  We can build a dream or a nightmare.  Your choice.”

“It’s over.”  “No soldier.  It’s just the beginning.”

Viewer Quotes:

(Halfway through the movie) “So what’s this movie about?”

“Look.  Their camp is all about family and fun.”

“This is what happens when you don’t plan anything out and wear elbow pads to a gunfight.”

“I used to store it in my vagina.”  “You used to store it in your vagina?”  “No.  Not me, her.”

“That’s what they do in Bulgaria.  Eat some goulash and run away from helicopters.”

“Who’s getting married?  Dracula?”

What We Learned:

You won’t see any bridges or dragons in this movie.

Explosives containers are always clearly labeled

Nimrod is a legitimate Eastern European name.

Dolph Lundgren has a trailer driver that is mentioned in the credits.

Final Cut:

This was 90 minutes of generic action movie, that had no bridges or dragons whatsoever.  We were entertained, had some decent rules and laughs, but as soon as it was over, I don’t remember hardly anything about the movie.  Maybe it was the combination of cold medicine and beer that I was consuming- or maybe it was an extremely forgettable film.  Most likely somewhere in between.  If you’re needing a fix of Dolph Lundgren and 80’s style, bad-action, look no further, but I can’t say that I would actively seek this one out.