Archive for the 'Postapocalyptic' Category

03
Feb
22

Yor:  The Hunter from the Future (1983)

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Categories: Aliens, Amazon women, Bad CGI, Bad Movies, Foreign, God Awful, Knock-Offs, Mutants, Postapocalyptic and Rules
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Date watched: 2/3/22

Starring: Reb Brown (nominated for a Razzie for this role)

Plot: A warrior seeks his true origins in a seemingly prehistoric wasteland. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Theme song being played
  • Dinosaurs
  • Say “Yor”
  • Old man shoots his arrow
  • Rocks that look like penises

Quotes:

  • “Yor’s different than other guys.”
  • “DAMN talking box!”

Viewer Quotes:                                   

  • “Is he from the future even though he looks like He-Man?”
  • “Is that a Triceratops crossed with a Stegosaurus… a Tristegatops?”
  • “There’s no monogamy in cave man days.”
  • “They should reboot this franchise.”  “No!”

Things we learned:

  • The best way to kill a Tristegatops is with an axe.
  • It’s hard to hide a boner wearing a loin cloth.  Wait, we already knew that from years ago.
  • Bad guys in the olden days wore purple paint on their faces.
  • Yor is good at being captured.
  • A generous man does what his heart commands.

Final Take:

This movie really had it all. It’s hard to believe that the movie at the end was the same movie that we started with. For most of the run time, we had no idea where the “Hunter from the Future” tagline came from. Then all of the sudden the Darth Vader clones showed up. (Actually, they kind of look more like Dark Helmet.) According to IMDB, this was originally an Italian miniseries that ran 200 minutes and was split into four parts. Now, condensed into one 90 minute movie, it operates as somewhat of a weird fever dream. If it were rated “R” and just went all out with the gore and craziness it would be a lot better. As it stands, it’s just kind of weird and tame.

04
Feb
21

Dealthstalker 2 (1987)

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Categories: Amazon women, Bad CGI, Bad Movies, Nudity, Postapocalyptic, Rules and Spin-off or sequel
Tags: , ,

Date watched: 2/4/21

Plot: Princess Evie of Jzafir is deposed by an evil sorcerer and his dangerous ally. Reena the Seer enlists the aid of the renowned hero Deathstalker to battle the forces of evil, including a clone of the princess, and win back her kingdom. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Pigman is on the screen.
  • Say “Deathstalker”.
  • Cartoon sound effects.
  • Character sees into the future or does magic.
  • Spit takes.

Quotes:

  • “Stalker, is that your sword, or are you just happy to see me?”
  • “The top half of you might think it’s the wrong time, but the bottom half of you knows it’s the right place.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Quite the outfits.  Looks like a kid’s birthday party.”
  • “Oh good, Pigman’s back.”
  • “How much cocaine was done while shooting this movie?”

Things We Learned:

  • The Prince of Thieves is really Dealthstalker not Robin Hood.
  • The best way to sneak up on someone from behind is to yell really loud.
  • You can stab someone in a faraway land through a bubbling witch’s brew.

Final Take:

This movie was a lot of stupid fun, and it seemed like the cast and crew had a great time making it. Both leads are surprisingly engaging for schlock like this. You might need to bring some Triscuits for cheese like this, but this was an awesome Bad Movie Thursday film.

16
May
14

Bounty Killer

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Categories: Cannibalism, Cults, Gratuitous Violence, Hillbillies, Postapocalyptic and Uncategorized

Image

Starring: Lady Terminator

Date Watched: 5/25/2014

Plot

Bounty killers in a post-apocalyptic wasteland kill corporate fat cats and they may even get paid for it, but maybe they just do it for fun.  Also, PBR is a national treasure!

Rules

  • Saying “Bounty Killer” (House rule, but make sure you keep it in mind.  It pays off in spades)
  • “Mary Death”
  • “Drifter”
  • Eagle screech/rattlesnake noise
  • “The council”
  • Gary Busey says something awesome.
  • PBR
  • “Funny Bunny” (Finger Bunny, whichever)

Quotes

  • “I can’t have you following me, finger bunny”
  • “Fuck, gypsies?  We’re dead!”
  • “I’m so fat.  They’re going to love me, I’m so marbled!”
  • “Drifter is so full of prizes.” <slurred>
  • “I hope he don’t go blind and his pecker don’t fall off.”
  • “Button your lip, short dick”
  • “Oh, that taste like boobies.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This is like a video game.  All style and no substance.”
  • “This is a lot like Barb Wire!”  –  “That’s true.  It’s a good companion piece.”  –  “Acting’s better, though”
  • “There’s nothing prettier than a girl with a half-painted skull on her face.”
  • “What the hell is a finger bunny?”
  • “He’s controlling the motorcycles like horses.”
  • “You’d better stop and axe somebody!”
  • “This movie needs more Gary Busey…said no one ever.”
  • “Maybe funny bunny makes more sense than finger bunny.”
  • “That looked really stupid, but I’ll allow it.”

What We Learned

  • In the future they only have old classic cars.
  • Gypsies are drunken cannibals with immaculate clown faces
  • A lethal axe can be made out of a stop sign.
  • PBR is like liquid gold after the apocalypse.
  • PBR tastes like boobies.
  • When you exit the badlands you go over a jump.
  • Nothing says I love you like getting stabbed in the spleen.
  • Fuel and ammunition are not a concern after the apocalypse.
  • White collar criminals have jetpacks.

Final Take

This was a surprisingly entertaining movie, almost a diamond in the rough.  Actually, diamond is a bit much.  More like a shiny rock in the rough.  It tried to be kind of artistic, almost feeling a bit like Sin City at times, but for the most part it was just ridiculous gun fights and explosions, with a little T & A thrown in for good measure.  There was even some decent comedy sprinkled around.  This movie was pretty much picked at random so getting some memorable entertainment out of it was a nice surprise.  Give it a watch.

02
May
14

Barb Wire

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Categories: Nudity and Postapocalyptic

MMDBAWI EC003

Viewing Date: 05/01/2014

Starring: Pamela Anderson Lee, a bunch of 90’s actors that we recognize, but don’t know their names, Clint Howard

Plot:

21st century. USA. The second civil war. The whole country is in a state of emergency. What was formerly called the American Congress now rules with fascistic methods. There is only one free city left, Steel Harbor, headquarter for the resistance. This is the hometown of Barb Wire, owner of the night club Hammerhead. As times aren’t good, Barb has a second job. She’s a bounty hunter and you probably wouldn’t want her after you. Barb’s credo is to never take sides for anybody and that’s the only way to survive these days. As her former lover Axel Hood appears asking for a favor, Barb suddenly finds herself to be key player on high political stage. Now she has to take sides…  (from IMDB)

Rules:

  • Bad voiceovers
  • Gratuitous boob shots
  • “Steel Harbor”
  • “Barb Wire”, “Wire” “Barb”
  • Sleazy saxophone or guitar riffs
  • Barb changes outfits or hairstyles

Quotes:

“Did you wash your hands?”  “No, I was bad.”

“That was nice kickin’.  You really know your stuff, babe.”

“Drink when you want to remember, not when you want to forget.”

“How utterly goddamn heroic.”

“I picked them up on the boulevard.” “I like a good manage every now and then.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Is that a hair change?”  “I’ll count it.”

“There’s nothing too inspiring about this movie.”

“It’s interesting to think that Boba Fett had sex with Barb Wire.”

“That wasn’t part of the deal- Big Fatso.”

 

What We Learned:

  • Big Fatso is head of the underworld in the post apocalyptic future
  • In the future they use whistles a lot
  • In 2017 there is waterproof leather
  • The exchange rate heavily favors the Canadian dollar in 2017
  • Living in the only free city doesn’t mean a lot since the Congressional Republic seems to be able to do whatever they want there.
  • Graham is quite the photographer
  • Wheelies make you more effective in combat
  • Corsets, leather and fishnets are standard dress in the future if you want people to take you seriously.

 

Final Take:

This movie shows up on a lot of “worst ever” lists for good reason.  Not memorable, terrible acting and paper thin plot.  Not even that much fun to watch, but at least it wasn’t completely boring.

20
Sep
13

The Plague

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Categories: Creepy Kids, Postapocalyptic and Washed up actors

The-Plague-dvd

Viewing Date: 9/19/2013

Plot: All children in the world under the age of 9 go into a catatonic coma for 10 years.  They wake up and begin killing all the adults.  Everybody wins!

Starring: James Van Der Beek

Rules

  • White eyeballs
  • Fear.net ads (we watched this on Comcast on demand)
  • Kids have a seizure
  • You see the “Grapes of Wrath” book
  • Kids steal someone’s soul
  • Meaningful glances
  • Religious idolatry

Quotes

“I don’t have all the answers.  What do you think I am?  A freakin’ newscaster?”

“I’m not built for this shit.”

“Give me the morphine.  Never mind, I’ll…”   Bang.

Viewer Quotes

“Who thinks he is going to commit suicide here?” (he did)

What We Learned

We learned very little, but if anything:

Eventually kids will kill you- they are demonic and will steal your soul.

Younger kids are the creepiest and have the most power.

Kids who have been in a coma for 10 years have no problem with muscle atrophy and are amazingly coordinated and strong.

Final Take

This movie seemed to be missing about 15 critical minutes to explain what was actually going on.  I get the “open to interpretation” thing, but “The Plague” didn’t even give us enough to think we weren’t smart enough to get what the movie was about.  Just poorly put together.  It had a few intense sequences, but it was very light ondialogue and not a great choice for Bad Movie Thursday (note the lack of quotes, decent rules, and ‘things we learned’).  Well, you can’t win them all.

12
Jul
13

America 3000

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Amazon women, Bad Movies and Postapocalyptic

ImageDate Watched: 7/11/2013

Starring: Laurene Landon and Beastman

Plot: This movie supposedly takes place 900 years in the future after a nuclear war between the Mericans and Commies has decimated mankind.  In a crazy twist on the current state of affairs, war-like women now rule the world and keep men as slaves.  Will the infighting and jealousy of the ruling women be their undoing?  Will the pure hearts of the men grant them freedom from their oppressors?  Will someone please pick a better soundtrack for this movie?

Rules:

  • Whiplash noise
  • Woman punches man
  • Song starts that has nothing to do with the movie.
  • New word is translated for us.
  • Slow Motion
  • “Neggy” or “Plugot” <advanced rule>

Quotes:

  • “…and the world was woggos.” – “(In the old speak, that means crazy!”
  • “I went for the weps, he went for the eats.”
  • “Neggy more machos, neggy more toys.”  – “Neggy more seeders?”  – “Neggy more seeders!”
  • “Everything was going hot plastic.”
  • “Taste this.  It tastes cold woggos but it makes you feel hot plastic.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This is a coke-fueled disaster.”
  • “That hat was pretty nice-looking for being 900 years old.”
  • “We just have to get through this elaborate plot setup and then this movie’s going to pick up steam.”
  • “This movie is neggy plastic.”
  • “Look!  The rolling stones farewell tour!”
  • “That was the best ending I could have imagined!”

What We Learned:

  • A new language where plastic takes on a whole new meaning.
  • The Rolling Stones went on a farewell tour in 1989.
  • Reagan was into Centipede and Pinball and had a huge stack of playboys.  And lasers.
  • When you’re in a war and have the only laser gun, don’t bother using it.
  • If the world was run by women, men would be machos, seeders, and toys, and women would be very war-like.

Final Take

This movie was pretty entertaining.  There were a few places where it really slows down and you start losing interest, but on the whole it wasn’t bad.  At first I couldn’t understand half of what they were talking about.  They use some weird made up slang that is complete nonsense when you initially hear it.  But I will admit, it does grow on you.  By the end I had neggy problems at all and everything was hot plastic.  Also, the narrator was awful.  I wish that was an audio track I could just turn off, but there was neggy an option for that.  In spite of that, I have to give this movie a solid recommendation.

18
May
13

Rottweiler

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Categories: Bad Movies, Nudity and Postapocalyptic
Tags:

220px-Brian-Yuzna-Rottweiler

Date Watched:  5/16/2013

Starring:  A guy that looks vaguely like Sawyer from Lost, Zeus the Rottweiler

Plot: In 2018, a prisoner escapes into the Spanish countryside, trying to get back to Puerto Angel to find his girlfriend.  Unfortunately for him, he is being pursued by a cyborg rottweiler that kills everything and everyone the prisoner comes in contact with.

Rules

  • Slow motion
  • The Dog’s mouth makes knife noises when it opens and closes.
  • Scorpions
  • Hallucinations
  • The rottweiler kills someone or something
  • *Remember to use standing house rule of “creature vision”*

Movie Quotes

“The old witch doctor thinks the fog is evil.  He has eaten too many mushrooms.”

“You’ll never find her–  that bitch.”

Viewer Quotes:

“That guy has a face problem.”

“There’s a lot of wang shots here.”  “Wang and side balls.”

“The thicker the skin, the sweeter the flesh.”  (from Adam’s creepy dream- not really related to the movie)

“All three together.  Like a happy family.”

What We Learned

  • In Spain women will rape escaped prisoners
  • In the future there is a game called ‘Infiltration’ where you try to immigrate illegally.  Super Fun.
  • Cyborg rottweilers are particularly adept at disposing of guns.
  • When Escaping from prison, its a good idea to climb the highest mountain you can find, then get drunk and high with drug dealers.

Final Take

We enjoyed this movie for something we randomly stumbled across in the free movies on Comcast on demand.  Special effects and gore were decently done and the rottweiler flying through the air to attack people was hilarious.  I liked that the writers and director tried to incorporate a twist-ish ending that sort of worked, but I really wanted to know where the hell the cyborg dog came from.  I mean, I get it that the main character originally smashed the teeth out of and probably killed the warden’s dog with a lead pipe after it killed his girlfriend, but who exactly had the technology or means to convert it into the terminator of dogs?  I also found it interesting that the dog was really the only ‘futuristic’ thing in this movie- but it doesn’t pay to over think the movies we watch on Thursdays.

03
May
13

Death Race 3: Inferno

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Categories: Historical Fiction, Postapocalyptic and Spin-off or sequel

DeathRace3

Date Watched: 5/2/2013

Starring: Ving Rhames, Danny Trejo

Plot: Convicted cop-killer Carl Lucas, aka Frankenstein, is a superstar driver in the brutal prison yard demolition derby known as Death Race. Only one victory away from winning freedom for himself and his pit crew.  He’s a great guy and everyone else is crazy.  Strap in and get ready.

Rules

  • “Frankenstein”
  • “Death Race” <advanced>
  • Hyenas
  • Car crashes
  • Taking off or putting on the Frankenstein mask
  • Monkey hiding behind a rock <5 drinks, advanced>

Quotes

  • “I’ve been through more shit in my life than most people go through in 10.”
  • “This is a match to the death.  The only rule – Survive!”
  • “The only thing I know about Baja, it’s a style of tacos I like.”
  • “Hang on, I thought you didn’t know anything about this kind of racing.”  “I don’t.  It’s the first thing that came up on Google.”
  • “Stop fucking me with your eyes and let’s get on with this.”
  • “How many lives do you have?”  “At least one more.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Ooh, they’ve got hyenas as guard dogs.  Must be Africa.”
  • “Quick, hold that girl while I punch her in teh face!…Terrible fight scene.”
  • “Danny Trejo looks exactly like a ‘Goldberg’.  Good character choice.”
  • “Why are they in those big hamster wheels?”
  • “This is impossible to watch.  I’m going to have a seizure.”
  • “The thinking is that his secretary will somehow betray him.  Bets?”
  • “Was this movie filmed by a dude with ADD?”
  • “Thinnest …. Plot …. Ever?  I’ve seen porns with more fully fleshed out plots.”
  • “Wouldn’t he have trench foot by now?”
  • “I’m glad they’re giving us the entire back plot.  It’s so complicated I never would have figured it out.”

What We Learned

  • Prisons in Africa are guarded by Hyenas.
  • It’s a good idea for female prisoners in coed prisons to dress really provocatively.  Everything will be fine.
  • Weapons do not come in handy in Death Race.
  • Smart missiles are really smart.  Like follow a man through a house smart.
  • Web Casts can be watched on crappy old analog tv’s in rural Africa.

Final Take

If you liked the first second Death Race, you’ll sure like the second second Death Race.  It’s basically just more of the same.  I’m pretty sure it’s got the exact same cast.  This time instead of racing in a re-purposed warehouse district, they’ve taken the fun to a rally course in South Africa.  The prisoners are heroes with hearts of gold and the villains are the most insanely evil people in the world.  There’s no character development, just nonstop car chases and explosions.  If that sounds good to you then you’ll have a good time watching it.  I did.

12
Apr
13

Bridge of Dragons

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Postapocalyptic, Uncategorized and Washed up actors

Bridge%20of%20dragons

Viewing date: 4/11/13

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, the Nick Nolte of Bulgaria

Plot: Princess Halo doesn’t want to marry General Ruechang.  Warchild (Dolph) is torn between his military orders from Ruechang and his feelings for Princess Halo.  Explosions and jump-kicks occur.

Rules:

  • See a dragon. (this rule didn’t pan out)
  • “Ruechang”
  • “666”
  • Dumb sound-effects.
  • Stunts with trampolines.

Quotes:

“Thank you War Child”

“From this distance, I’d say the scope won’t be necessary.”

“Tomorrow we marry.  We can build a dream or a nightmare.  Your choice.”

“It’s over.”  “No soldier.  It’s just the beginning.”

Viewer Quotes:

(Halfway through the movie) “So what’s this movie about?”

“Look.  Their camp is all about family and fun.”

“This is what happens when you don’t plan anything out and wear elbow pads to a gunfight.”

“I used to store it in my vagina.”  “You used to store it in your vagina?”  “No.  Not me, her.”

“That’s what they do in Bulgaria.  Eat some goulash and run away from helicopters.”

“Who’s getting married?  Dracula?”

What We Learned:

You won’t see any bridges or dragons in this movie.

Explosives containers are always clearly labeled

Nimrod is a legitimate Eastern European name.

Dolph Lundgren has a trailer driver that is mentioned in the credits.

Final Cut:

This was 90 minutes of generic action movie, that had no bridges or dragons whatsoever.  We were entertained, had some decent rules and laughs, but as soon as it was over, I don’t remember hardly anything about the movie.  Maybe it was the combination of cold medicine and beer that I was consuming- or maybe it was an extremely forgettable film.  Most likely somewhere in between.  If you’re needing a fix of Dolph Lundgren and 80’s style, bad-action, look no further, but I can’t say that I would actively seek this one out.

30
Nov
12

The FP

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Historical Fiction and Postapocalyptic

Date Watched: 11/29/2012

Starring: JTRO, BTRO, and KCDC

Plot 

In a post apocalyptic future, two rival gangs fight for control of Frazier Park by playing “Beat Beat Revelation”, a deadly version of Dance, Dance, Revolution(TM).

Rules

  • Stupid Hats/Bandannas (One per occurrence per new scene)
  • “J TRO” or “B TRO”
  • “The FP”
  • Reference to area codes
  • Ducks
  • Advanced rule – waterfall through all montages

Quotes

  • “4 score and a couple years ago.”
  • “I’m going to 187 this bitch, bro!”
  • “You fuckin’ cracker ass cracka!” <one white guy to another>
  • “I hope you’re ready for this, Cranberry Juice, because you’re about to get fucked, bitch!”
  • “What’s a town with no ducks, J Tro?  How’s a nigga supposed to sort his shit out with no ducks?!”
  • “We had each other’s backs, back to back!”
  • “You got to dance with your mind, not your legs.”
  • “I’m going to throw you down some stairs, you toe-eyed dung dung.”
  • “A gentleman never fucks a bitch in the ass and tells.”  “It was only for a minute.”
  • “You got one final lesson up in this mother fucker, J Tro.  You gots to know the true meaning of the Beat Beat nigga.  It ain’t about color, dog.  Any nigga can be a nigga.  N – I – G – G – A.  Never Ignorant in Getting Goals Accomplished. Now you use that shit, J Tro.  You be all the nigga you can be.”  <Climactic monologue>
  • “Shit, man!  Click it or ticket.”
  • “How you doing all this shit?”  “Because, I’m never ignorant in getting goals accomplished.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Is this stuff for real?  Are they being serious?”
  • “That guy’s wearing a racoon hat!”
  • “That other guy’s wearing a skeleton mask!”
  • “Did he just roar like a lion?”
  • “He died doing what he loves…”
  • “He’s watching a film upside-down.”
  • “Just hanging out in a kiddie pool.”
  • “Asian gets a slingshot!”
  • “I think this whole movie may have been about drunks feeding ducks in the end.”

What We Learned

  • The post apocalyptic future looks a lot like normal rural America.
  • Drunks feeding ducks are a stabilizing factor in modern society.
  • A good day ends with a BJ while watching ducks.
  • Dance Dance Revolution can be deadly.
  • The true meaning of nigga.
  • Eye patches do not negatively affect depth perception.
  • Giant moon boots increase your capability to dance.

Final Take

This was a pretty damn good thursday movie.  It was post-apocalyptic, had decent production values, and ended with a BJ.  The house rule for 4-letter swears would be an advanced rule all by itself.  The word “fuck” was used over 250 times.  This is up there as one of the better Thursday movies we’ve watched in a while.  Watch it and don’t expect it to be serious and you’ll end up having a great time.

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