Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 10/31/2014

Starring: Dolph Lundgren (and directed by BMT favorite Uwe Boll!)

Plot: An ex-Special Forces soldier gets thrown back to medieval times to fulfill an ancient prophecy and ends up finding redemption for his own battlefield experiences. (IMDB)

Rules

• Slow Mo
• Inner-monologue
• Reference to Granger’s (Dolph) tortured past
• Half-assed medieval speak  (This would mean a constant waterfall.  Save this one for the truly cringe-worthy lines)
• “Granger”
• Fish out of water jokes
• “Holy Mother”

Quotes

“That’s not cool.”  “No.  It’s warm.”

“Tomorrow- the adventure begins.”

“There’s got to be everything from e coli to sheep feces in there.”

“I was rash and only acted to fulfill my urges.”

“Listen guys.  I’ve decreed it.”

“I have a feeling in the Black Forest, size does matter.”

“It was an honor to fight by your side and lay by you as your woman.”

Viewer Quotes

“Its like the parking lot of medieval times- where they filmed it.”

“Our cook was the only one who knew the true form of the catalyst.” (Granger murdered the cook for no apparent reason)

“This is the worst dragon ever.”

“Unexplained wig.”

What We Learned

• Childproof containers are also medieval-person proof
• Dolph Lundgren sleeps with his scarf (and fully clothed)
• The king lives in a rock climbing gym
• The best place to hide a king is in the future

Date Watched: 10/16/14

Starring: Party of Five guy and the T1000

Plot: Two brothers have half of a powerful ancient Chinese talisman. An evil gang leader has the other half, and determines to get the brothers’ half and have a complete medallion so he can gain absolute power.

Rules

• Saying Dragon, “Double Dragon” counts for two
• Spin Kicks
• “New Angeles”
• “Butt Head”
• Game references – game over, extra life, using a joystick, etc.
• Knuckle cracking
• Doing the double dragon fist bump.

Quotes

• “Eat some fist, butt heads!”
• “Once the medallions are mine, so then will be New Angeles”
• “No one wants to party with Victor Guisman.”
• “Lotus Flower, I’ve missed your sense of peasant justice.”
• “This isn’t some stupid tournament.”
• “I just want total domination over one major American city.  Is that too much to ask for?”
• “We’re getting railed in broad daylight!”
• “I’m sorry I had to kick your butt so bad”

Viewer Quotes

• “They’re supposed to be brothers?  One them’s Asian and one’s White.”
• “Is it racist to say this is the least intimidating gang I’ve ever seen because they’re just a bunch of white dudes in preppy clothes?”
• “That thing is really poor at target acquisition”
• “Look at the two of them rubbing it together.”
• “It’s a good thing he’s got that rope to swing from wherever he goes.”
• “Oh God, it’s like Chet from Weird Science.”

What We Learned

• You can find out how much someone bench presses by looking up their license plate in future 2007.
• Cars can run on burning paper in future 2007.
• The best place to hide your most precious possession is around your neck in plain view.
• The Hollywood River is flammable.  And there’s a Hollywood River.
• Ghosts can be sucked into fans

Final Take

That was a mess.  It seemed like it was written by a 13 year old boy.  I just watched it a few minutes ago and I’ve already forgotten half of it.  The rules paid off in spades, so that was fun, but I don’t know if I would recommend it.  Pretty forgettable, as I’m sure Scott Wolf was hoping a year after he made it.

Viewing Date: 10/2/2014

Starring: Sean Astin

Plot

When a group of friends enjoying a bachelor cruise in the Caribbean stumble upon a research facility on a remote island, a deadly virus is unleashed. The group must find a way to survive before the flesh eating virus consumes them all (from IMDB)

Rules

• Slow Motion
• Every time we see a cabin (this rules turns out to be worthless)
• “Specimen”
• Pounding beers
• Vomiting blood

Quotes

• “Who ate all the p&#@y?  This guy!”
• “I…. I know a great plastic surgeon….  He uh…  Did my girlfriend’s…  You know….”
• “Dobbs, keep an eye on Dr. Evil.”
• “You’re one ugly bitch.”

Viewer Quotes

• “There aren’t a lot of cabins in this Cabin Fever.”
• “Did we have any good quotes in that last scene?”  “No.”

What We Learned

• The flesh eating virus infects fish- and everything in the ocean.
• High security, quarantine labs that contain the deadliest diseases in the world aren’t actually that sanitary or secure.  There are mice living in the lab technicians bras, and they dump their biological waste directly into the ocean.
• The virus also makes you evil…  Sometimes.
• The best way to kill an infected person is with a big black dildo.
• Samwise Gamgee’s career has taken quite a tumble.
• Sean Astin is evil for no particular reason and wants to kill everyone.

Final Take