Archive for the 'Cyborgs' Category

21
Feb
19

Robo Vampire 3 aka The Vampire is Still Alive aka Counter Destroy (1989)

Counter Destroy

Viewing Date: 2/21/19

Starring: No One

Plot: Joyce rents an old haunted home to pen her horror script, which releases an evil army of robot vampires, a knife-wielding demon and a battalion of otherworldly creatures (from IMDB).

Rules:
Something supernatural happens
Vampires
Abrupt scene changes

Quotes:
“Why man kill 2 beautiful girl.”
“I forgot to tell him we are the police.”
“You’re efficiency is extremely low. You’ve got to take some action now.”

Viewer Quotes:
“Why couldn’t they be in the bath together, shaving each other with a can of Barbasal.”
“Those are nice melons.”
“This is probably the most incoherent plot we’ve ever watched on a BMT.”

Things We Learned:
Rotary phones can kill.
The sacred bird can tell your fortune from sealed envelopes.
Vampires hop like rabbits.
The best way to kill someone is jumping over a car and slicing them with a putty knife.

Final Take:

Bad, and not in a good way.  We cannot recommend this movie, as it was a slog to get through.  Too bad.  There was a lot of potential here, but the mishmash of a bunch of other movies doesn’t work.

27
Mar
15

Nazis at the center of the earth (2012)

Nazis

Viewing Date: 3/26/15

Plot:

Researchers in Antarctica are abducted by a team of masked storm troopers. They are dragged deep underground to a hidden continent in the center of the earth. Here Nazi survivors, their bodies a horrifying patchwork of decaying and regenerated flesh, are planning for the revival of the Third Reich. (From IMDB)

Starring:

Dominique Swain and Jake Busey

Rules:

  • Nazi clichés
  • Nazis dying
  • Faces getting ripped off
  • Every time blond chick runs

Quotes:

“What is wrong with you, you’re never squeamish?”  (After her friend’s brain has been ripped out and girl vomits.)

Viewer Quotes:

“So one guy has been delivering people to the Nazis for years to use as spare parts and nobody has noticed?”

“Where did he get that baseball?”

“That is the worst thing you can say to a Robo-Hitler.”

Things we learned:

  • To tear someone’s face off, you just need to cut them a little bit at the top of their head.
  • There are mountains and temples at the center of the earth.
  • It’s not cold at the center of the earth.
  • Nazis have UFO technology.

Final Take:

For a movie with great promise, it just doesn’t really deliver.  It goes to places that it shouldn’t go – zombie rape and abortion scenes – that make it mean spirited and take the fun out of it.  This should have just been over the top ridiculousness.  If you’re looking for a silly zombie Nazi movie, I would definitely check out “Dead Snow” instead.

22
Nov
13

ThanksKilling 3

thankskilling-3-721x1024

Viewing Date: 11/21/2013

Starring: The Turkey Puppet

Plot

We have no idea.  It’s like a horrible fever dream.

Rules

  • Thanksgiving puns / cliches
  • Turkey says “stupid”
  • “Pluck”, “Plucking”
  • “Stuffing”
  • Techno-interludes

Quotes

“Ha, ha, ha.  Nice tits bitch.  In Space!”

“I know these types.  These bitches be in and out of prison their whole life.”

“It’s got a Gravy Train, a Yam Tram, a Maize Maze.  It’s amazing.”

“Its here guys.  My long pike came.”

“Who are these Canadians?”

“Always refrigerate your leftovers on Thanksgiving, so you can wake up on Black Friday to a delicious, cold snack.”

“Not only did the wolves get stuffing.  They got it with a side of WIFE AND CHILD!”

“The early worm gets the bird.”

“I sent that fowl packing with a gravy shot to the eye.”

“Look at that snood!”

“You’ve been sporting a fat moose apple for a while now.”

Viewer Quotes

“Oh my God.  That’s a boob.”

“Was this made by Americans or Eastern Europeans?”  “Eastern European.”

“Does that worm have a combover?  And a mustache???”

“This is just awful.  But it’s Thanksgiving…  It’s Thursday night.”  “Its barely even a movie.”

Things We Learned

  • There was no ThanksKilling 2
  • We weren’t on enough drugs (not sure there are enough in the world) to enjoy this movie
  • You can get people to fund ANYTHING on kickstarter
  • Disgusting grandmother puppets like to slob knobs
  • Robots can shoot vortexes out of their sphincters

Final Take

I’m sure it’s happened countless time throughout history: people stoned out of their minds have come up with  movie ideas that seemed like the most hilarious, fantastic thing ever conceived, but in actuality, it is just a patchwork of complete nonsense.  Most of the time, these ideas are forgotten minutes later- not this time.  The makers of ThanksKilling 3 actually followed through and made this movie.

11
Oct
13

Eliminators

Image

Viewing Date: 10/10/13

Starring: Andrew Prine, Tasha Yar

Plot: A former pilot rebels against his creator, teaming up with the scientist responsible for android technology, her pet robot Spot, a rough-and-tumble riverboat guide, and a martial arts warrior.

Rules

  • “Mandroid”
  • “Reeves”
  • Flashbacks
  • Use of mandroid gizmo
  • Spot turns into pure energy
  • Camera Filter change
  • Mysterious ninja saves the day

Quotes

  • “Might I remind you that we’ve been dissecting the very building blocks of the universe!”
  • “Now I got you, you tin can son of a bitch!”
  • “Your arms, your leg units.  It’s my work – all of it.”
  • “You’re functioning primarily on your human brain.”
  • “Hey, man.  You need some body work?” – “You talking to me?”
  • “Oh mon dieu, are there really piranhas around here?” – “Nah.  Just snapping turtles.”
  • “I don’t like the looks of that stone age toothpick.”
  • “Oh swell.  Our little buddy.  I’ve lost my boat.  We’re stuck out here in the middle of nowhere.  What is this, anyway?  Some kind of god damn comic book?  We got robots.  We got cave men.  We got kung fu.  Well that’s it, alright?  I quit.”
  • “There’s no treasure!  This is all some kind of weird ass science fiction thing, right?”
  • “I’ll get you, you scrap-yard son of a bitch.”
  • “I’m not a man.  I’m a killing machine with no past and no future.”
  • “Reeves has perfected time travel.  I think he intends to go back and rule ancient Rome.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “I can’t tell if this movie is supposed to be in the future.”
  • “This is such a poorly choreographed fight scene.”
  • “You can’t lose someone on a river!”
  • “Least.  Exciting.  Boat.  Chase.”
  • “This movie has definitely taken a turn.  What is this riverboat bullshit?”
  • “This is a perfect Halloween costume!  You’re the mandroid, I’ll be Fontana, then there’s the chick scientist and you’re the mysterious Ninja!”
  • “Whoa.  It’s some kind of monkey people!”
  • “This movie has taken a turn for the better.  Monkey people and ninjas.”
  • “Again, the name of this movie is Eliminators.  What does that have to do with anything?”
  • “Fontana’s doing a good job of summarizing what this movie’s about.”
  • “Nobody else is amazed by the fact that this guy’s been to ancient rome?  No further questions!”
  • “We haven’t seen this ninja do anything except for the reverse fish.”
  • “When mandroids compete, the viewer wins!”

What We Learned

  • Mandroids pack away their legs when they get on their mobile units.
  • Mysterious ninjas catch fish in reverse, pulling them out of the water.
  • Ancient cave men are gay.
  • Evil scientists can inhabit small robots.
  • Mysterious ninjas can jump through a fan’s spinning blades.
  • You could make whatever kind of crap movie you wanted in the 80’s.

Final Take

 I liked this movie.  Sure, there was a 45 minute meaningless riverboat trip, and introducing a mysterious ninja right at the end made no sense at all, but that was all part of the fun.  There were tons of quotes, weird floating robots, mandroids, ninjas, and time travel all in one crazy package.  It was fun.

21
Jun
13

Steel and Lace

2236404064_steel_and_lace_1991

Viewing Date: 6/20/2013

Plot:  A woman who is the victim of a rape and subsequent cover-up commits suicide and is rebuilt by her brother to be a vengeful cyborg.  She / it systematically kills everyone that was involved in the crime in brutal fashion.

Starring: No one

Rules:

  • Helicopter Decapitation (one of the ‘Impact Elements’)
  • Getting Drilling (one of the ‘Impact Elements’)
  • Mullets
  • Bolo ties
  • Say “Danny”
  • Blatantly 80’s stuff (use your best judgement)
  • Say “Clippy”

Quotes:

“Down boy”

“You broke your nose once.”   “Does that disqualify me or something?”

“I don’t have to take this shit from a ghost.”

“Death is the last safe place.”

Viewer Quotes:

“They’re all corrupt.”  “Because it’s the 80’s.”

“I’ve never seen Chris Rock dressed as a woman like that before.”

“She’s a robot that doesn’t want to kill.”  “She wants to love.”

“A giant wrench.  How convenient.”

What We Learned:

  • When the law fails you, turn your sister into a killing machine- literally.
  • Lawyers are really good at cybernetics when driven to the edge- and beyond….
  • Memories can be stored in glowing tennis ball brain devices.
  • Cyborgs can perfectly adapt to human interactions except when they aren’t in disguise.
  • When movies don’t have pictures on IMDB, it is a pretty good indicator of the crappiness of the movie.

Final Take:

Not too bad for an 80’s (or 1990, technically) cyborg revenge movie.  It was about an hour too long, however and the time in between the action was grueling, but the good scenes were laugh-inducingly entertaining.  Middle of the road BMT flick, just don’t watch it when you’re tired, or you’ll never make it to the good parts.




April 2020
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