Archive for July, 2014

18
Jul
14

Alien Uprising

AlienUprising

Date Watched: 7/17/2014

Starring: JCVD, JCVD’s Daughter

Plot: Friends get together for a night out in a bar. Life is wonderful as a couple share their proposal moment. When, suddenly strange things start to happen. Loss of power. Throughout the city. No phones, no lights, just darkness as the friends try to cope. Then an invasion from UFOs, big ones! The sky is darkened by the ships of the alien invaders. The takeover of planet Earth has begun as our the five friends struggle to survive amid the chaos and calamity. Will love survive the terror?

Rules

  • Adidas logo
  • Flashbacks or flash forwards
  • 24 and 36
  • Buildup without payoff
  • Weird shaky camera
  • Fistfights
  • Seeing an alien (don’t count on it)

Quotes

  • “Hey, I’m a nice guy.  Now get the fuck out of here.”
  • “Dirty bomb, filthy bomb, disgusting bomb…doesn’t matter.”
  • “What’s making me feel panicky is the fucking spaceship outside.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “That was an incredible scene”
  • “How not to film a sex scene…close ups of a dude’s ass”
  • “OK, the power’s off.  Understand how that works?”
  • “Mobile phones don’t work, land lines don’t work, radio doesn’t work, electricity’s out, no big deal.”
  • “He really does look like the Shermanator.”
  • “Still nothing has happened.” – “It’s character development.  It’s a character piece.”
  • “Somebody better get murdered by an alien soon.”
  • “Do you think we’re going to see an alien this entire time?”
  • “Do we classify that as an explosion?” – “Yeah, I think that’s about as good as it’s going to get in this movie.”
  • “Well I guess she doesn’t got a fella anymore!”

What We Learned

  • White guys should not wear corn rows.
  • The English wait in queues politely even during an alien invasion.
  • The English believe immigrants don’t deserve a place in line.
  • One night stands make great companions in an alien invasion.

 

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12
Jul
14

Hellbinders (2009)

Hellbinders

Date Watched: 6/19/14

Starring: Darth Maul

Plot:

A supernatural battle for souls plays out on the streets with lots of guns and knives. (From IMDB)

Rules:

Weird comic book crap

References to the Knights Templar

People talking in a demon voice

Vomiting demons out of mouths or demon possession

Radical and/or knarly stunts

References to the devil

Quotes:

“Kill them all, that’s my motto anyway.”

“I didn’t come here for a lecture, priest.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Can you really tell when a Japanese actor is acting badly?”… “Yes, in this movie you can.”

“What is this?  Willy Wonka’s factory?”

“Who knew Darth Maul had such a potty mouth.”

“He kind of looks like the evil Jimmy Kimmel.”

“He keeps having pancakes w/ ketchup, that’s step one of his failure.”

Things We Learned:

White people become Japanese when they wear dark eyeliner.

It takes several days to paint a pentagram.

If you are in a coma you can lose your soul.

A cast full of stuntmen are not good actors.

Final Take:

Not a bad little movie with a cheap budget.  I don’t know why Darth Maul is slumming it in this movie, but I guess that’s what you get after starring with Jar Jar.  

12
Jul
14

Dead in Tombstone (2013)

Dead in Tombstone

Date Watched: 5/29/14

Starring: Danny Trejo, Anthony Michael Hall, Mickey Rourke

Plot:

A gang overruns a small mining town murdering their own leader Guerrero (Trejo) in a cold-blooded power grab. Sentenced to eternity in hell he finds himself confronted by Satan himself (Rourke), offering a daring proposition: deliver the six souls of his former gang and he will escape damnation. With time running out, he sets out on a brutal rampage to avenge his own death. (From IMDB)

Rules:

-Gun close ups

-Mention of god or the devil

-Say “hermano” or “brother”

-Show clocks

Quotes:

“Maybe we should stick around… get some putas.”

“I’m Jesus H Christ in this town.”

“We killed you.”  Response: “No, this is how you kill someone.”

“The lawman’s wench, she will be the end of you.”

Viewer Quotes:

“How do you know who the chick in Starship Troopers actual name is?”

“That is a vision of hell… having Mickey Rourke chew on your fingers.”

“After a year of being a corpse, his skin would slide off just like a Papa Johns pizza.”

Things We Learned:

-Mickey Rourke is Lucifer

-The devil makes his own rules.

Final Take:

Ho-hum.  

12
Jul
14

Sea Beast (2008)

Sea Beast

Date Watched: 5/29/14

Starring: Parker Lewis Can’t Lose

Plot:

The fishing vessel Solita crosses a storm during the night and the Skipper Will McKenna witnesses a weird creature attacking the crewman Joey. They return to the dock and Will has difficulties to pay the amount he owes to the former owner of the boat, Roy. The fish population is reducing in the area and the biologist Arden is investigating the possible causes. Meanwhile, Will’s daughter Carly steals the keys of her father’s cottage in a nearby island and plans to travel with her boyfriend Danny and their friends Erin and Drew to spend the weekend in the island. However, Drew is murdered by a deep sea predator on the dock and his pieces are found by Will and Arden. Carly, Danny and Erin do not have any news from their friend and travel to the island without Drew. Sooner Erin is murdered by the creature and Danny is bitten by a newborn reptile. Danny and Erin seek shelter in the cabin but they are trapped there by the creatures. In the continent, Will and Arden learn that the deep sea predator is a very dangerous species, after a series of lethal attacks, and they head to the island to rescue Carly. (From IMDB)

Rules:

-Non-special effects

-Shots of being haunted by the cartoon beast

-Parker Lewis loses (bad things happen to him)

-Dumb actor struggling to sound scientific

-Sea Beast’s tongue comes out

-Say “angler fish”

-When Sea Beast is cloaked

-Sideways camera angles like in Battlefield Earth

Quotes:

“I’m just telling you the properties of this slime and where it’s found in nature.”

“Let’s just go to the boat and get the first aid kit.”

“That weren’t no shark!”

“You’re the fisherman, you figure it out.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Wow, they just throw us right into this.”

“Gee, the black friend died first.  Shocker for a movie like this.”

“All the cool dudes in the 80’s had house boats.”

“If you take a selfie with a Sea Beast, is it still considered a selfie?”

“Ooh entrails.”

“Now it’s time for a making weapons montage.”

“There’s a lot of sea beasts in this movie, so should this really be called sea beasts and sons?”

“Parker Lewis dating a girl his daughter’s age… that’s winning.”

“He just wants to tongue her.”

Things We Learned:

-Sea Beasts have cloaking capabilities like the Predator or a Klingon warship.

-Sea Beasts know instinctively to use their tongues to choke people.

-The best way to hold a hatchet is to choke up on it like a baseball bat.

Final Take:

Any movie starring Parker Lewis is already a winner in my book, although this is pretty standard Syfy movie fare.  It’s fairly entertaining, but you won’t see any hardcore gore or T&A in a movie like this.  

12
Jul
14

Tamara (2005)

Tamara

 

Date Watched: 4/24/14

Starring: No One

Plot:

Tamara is a girl who didn’t quite fit in. Tamara is constantly picked on and when a couple of friends plays a joke on Tamara, it leads to her death. The friends bury her tries to make it seem that Tamara ran away. But all is not forgotten. Tamara returns as a sexy seductress and plans her revenge. (due to witchcraft). Well like they say: Karma’s a bitch. (From IMDB)

Rules:

-Witch stereotypes

-Say “witchcraft”

-Say “Tamara” (which is the name of the movie and a house rule)

-VHS tapes

Quotes:

“I’ll see you later you trailer trash whore.”

“My parents are going out of town soon and it’s going to be Patrick-Palooza Five!”

“It’s Tamara… she’s alive… she just walked into class.”

“It’s getting wet… the table.”

Viewer Quotes:

“For guys using steroids they should have used actors that have bigger muscles than I do.”

“Wow, that guy owns a VCR repair shop.”

“Awesome!  I love it when they pull out a larynx, just like in Roudhouse.”

Things We Learned:

-VHS tapes are still very much used and they even have VCR repair shops.

-Steroids can be highly ineffective, as shown by the skinny weaklings that take them in this movie

Final Take:

This movie was surprisingly well done.  There was some real tension in some of the scenes, and I can’t really say that in many BMT movies.  I would have thought that the director would have gone to do something after this movie other than some Disney dance videos.  There must be a witch that cast a spell on him and took away his career.

12
Jul
14

A Cadaver Christmas (2011)

A Cadaver Christmas

Date Watched: 3/6/2014

Starring: No One

Plot:

United by terrifying and bizarre circumstances, the janitor, the drunk, the bartender, the cop, his perp, and the student security guard must fight to undo the professor’s work. A dark force is at work in the cadaver lab this Christmas and this unconventional band of heroes are the only hope the world has against an army of living corpses that are quickly recruiting new members. The undead have been given the gift of life and it’s up to the janitor to take it back. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Christmas”
  • Zombies dressed up in Xmas attire
  • Say Cadavers
  • Christmas songs
  • Hippos
  • Every time drunk guy drinks

Quotes:

“I do love them hippos.”

“I was framed”, “Yeah, for f&&king a goat.”, “HER NAME IS BETSY, and WE’RE IN LOVE!!!”

“Step away from my perp, janitor.”

“Why don’t you talk to me?”, “I don’t talk to goat f&&kers!”, “YOU ARE A ZOMBIE!”

“You can’t just leave him here, he’s our friend now.”

“He stabbed Eddie in the neck with a desk!”

“Besides, I’m a janitor and I never leave a mess uncleaned.”

“I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking where did you get such a big rubber band?”

“Is he watching us?”  “Sort of, in the way that a deceased loved one might watch over us.”

“You really are the best friend I have… left.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Dude, this guy’s going to have sex with a corpse?”

“That guy’s not a bad actor.  I mean I don’t feel awkward watching him… and that’s something.”

Things We Learned:

-Cadavers come in shipments from UPS.

-You can kill zombies with a Xmas tree.

Final Take:

This movie was very enjoyable and a cut above your standard zombie fare.  It would be perfect to watch around Christmas time as an antidote to the typical holiday entertainment.  I’d much rather watch a zombie killed with a Christmas tree than an angel get its wings any day.

11
Jul
14

Machete Kills

machete

 

Viewing Date: 7/10/14

Starring:  Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Mel Gibson, Michelle Rodriguez, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Carlos Estevez

Plot:  Machete kills a bunch of guys.  Eventually he goes to space.

Rules

  • Dismemberments
  • “Machete” (better have a full drink or 5 ready for this rule)
  • The “3D” sequences
  • Machete refers to himself in third person
  • Anytime something is shot out of boobs

Quotes

“Machete don’t tweet.”

“Peso pussy Tuesday…”

“Why help the US?”  “Because I’m the only one who can.”

“How many of you are there?” “Sorry, that’s classified.”

“I just gotta say you are a genuine article, Genghis Khan level, high caliber, fucker-people-upper…”

“There’s only one Machete!!”

“I thought Machete don’t text.”  “Machete loves everybody.”

“Oh baby, I always dress to the nines.”  “I always dress to kill.”

“Machete happens.”

 

Viewer Quotes

“That was her mom?”  (right before Machete said the same thing)

 

What we learned

  • Electricity doesn’t hurt Machete
  • Elon Musk is a madman who loves Machete
  • Machete can breathe in space
  • Machete knows the score
  • Machete happens

Final Take

While still fun and entertaining, the camp was wearing thin by the end of this movie (almost 2 hours long).  This movie was more of a James Bond spoof than the straight forward, over-the-top Mexsploitation revenge story from the first movie.  Still a winner, but I hope if the next Machete is made, they keep it  to an hour and a half or under.