Posts Tagged ‘Bad

03
Nov
17

Security (2017)

Security

Date Watched: 11/2/2017

Starring: Antonio Banderas and Ben Kingsley

Plot: A security guard protects an eleven year-old girl who is being targeted by a gang for participating as a trial witness. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • See an American Flag
  • See generic mall imagery like cheesy family pictures on the wall

Quotes:

  • “You like cleaning toilets?”  (Response)  “I’d do anything.”
  • “That’s why we call him Mason Bacon.”
  • “Right now time is our enemy.  Lets make time our friend.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Did Antonio Banderas actually make any movies that made money… not counting Shrek or the first Zorro?”  (Response)  “Of course he did.  He was an A List star at one point… (looking at IMDB) oh wait, never mind.”
  • “Is this the Ecks vs. Sever sequel?”
  • “The pitch for this movie: Lets do Die Hard in a mall with a little slice of Home Alone.”

Things We Learned:

  • Snipers hired by Ben Kingsley are terrible.
  • When Antonio Banderas promises you that if you stay with him you’ll be fine, you won’t be, you’ll be dead.

Final Take:  Entertaining and highly watchable.  Everyone takes this movie very seriously, as they should.  The production values and the cast elevate this silly material way above where it should be.

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06
Oct
17

Ghoulies 2 (1988)

Ghoulies 2

Date Watched: 10/5/2017

Starring: Some guys that died

Plot: The Ghoulies wreak havoc at an amusement park, disposing of those who mistake them for mere fairground attractions. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Stop motion
  • Someone says “Carnival”
  • Someone says “Tunes”

Quotes:

  • “I can do body work… baboom!”
  • “Have you seen my little muffy?”  (Response) “Who hasn’t?”
  • “He don’t go nowhere without his tunes.”
  • “This place is better than Epcot Center.”
  • “I’m a magician you sons of bitches!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Were girls actually uglier in the 80’s?”
  • “Can they re-brand the carnival to be the Devil’s Anus?”

Things We Learned:

  • Ghoulies can make cat sounds to lure in cat lovers and kill them with a switchblade.
  • 10 year olds have ninja throwing stars at their disposal to throw at wayward Ghoulies.
  • Having Ghoulies is a great way to make some extra mula from your crappy carnival ride.

Final Take:  Ghoulies delivers once again.  Like Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies Go to College,  this was great in terms of cheap entertainment and thrills.  Who doesn’t like a trashy carnival, especially circa 1988?

15
Jul
16

Zoombies (2016)

Zoombies Poster

Date Watched: 5/12/16

Plot: When a strange virus quickly spreads through a safari park and turns all the zoo animals undead, those left in the park must stop the creatures before they escape and zombify the whole city.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Terrible green screen animals

Rules:

Animal Zombies

Giraffes – Zombie Giraffes = drink two

Say “Eden”

Jump Scares

Drone shots of the park

Quotes:

“Let’s just say that I got drunk at the wrong bar with the wrong policeman.”

“You don’t look like the kind of girl that likes to get dirty.”

“I swear that gorilla was trying to mate with me.”

“Excuse me intern, this is my sanctuary, and I decide what’s good!”

Viewer Quotes:

“They have a tracker on every dinosaur in the park… I mean err, animal.”

“I wish that little girl would turn into a zombie.”

“Is he going to kill Clay Mathews?”

Things We Learned:

-Irritating little girls are worse than terrible monkey special effects or guys in phony gorilla suits.

-Zombie giraffes like to attack in pairs and draw and quarter their victims.

-Zombieism makes animals smarter, faster, and stronger.

-Guts make good eagle’s nests.

Final Take:

It was an OK rip-off of Jurassic World.  The zombie giraffes were great, but very limited in their screen time.  If they ever do a sequel, I hope that they make them the true stars that they are.

01
Jul
16

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs (2015)

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs Poster

Date Watched: 6/30/15

Plot: After an accidental explosion at a local mine, dinosaurs emerge from the rubble to terrorize a small western town. Now, a group of gunslingers must defend their home if anyone is going to survive in a battle of cowboys versus dinosaurs.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Eric Roberts in a role that time forgot

Rules:

-Cowboy clichés

-Dinosaurs eating people

-Girls in bikinis

-Montana scenic shots

-Eric Roberts vomits

Quotes:

“Apparently he was attacked by a wild animal last night.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a bear claw.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a fossil.”

“That ain’t no mountain lion.”

After the dinosaurs jump out of the hole in the ground… “I think we’re too late.”

“You made your bed and now you can die in it.”

“You’re history.”

Viewer Quotes:

“That cowboy is totally going to order a coffee and a pecan pie.”

“Those are totally Montana skanks.”

“Can you still drink in the car in Montana?”

To the miners on their way to into the mine… “Are those the dwarves on their way to work?  Hi ho, hi ho.”

Things We Learned:

Velociraptors love to jump in the water to eat people.

Dinosaurs are attracted to propane tanks.

The best place to hide from a dinosaur attack is the washing machine at the laundry mat.

Dinosaurs will not eat horses even if they are right there.

Final Take:

This was pretty much generic Syfy fodder if you’re in the mood for that sort of thing.  I’m not quite sure what attracted Eric Roberts to this particular role.  I would think that if I was brought a script that had me puking my guts out for half of my time on camera, I might pass.  On second thought, I totally get it, and I would have done it too.

17
Apr
15

I, Frankenstein (2014)

I, Frank

Viewing Date: 4/16/15

Plot: Frankenstein’s creature finds himself caught in an all-out, centuries old war between two immortal clans.  (From IMDB)

Starring:  Aaron Eckhart, Bill Nighy, and Jai Courtney

Rules:

Say “Adam”

Every time you can tell the movie is ripping off other movies: i.e. Resident Evil, Underworld, Van Helsing, The Matrix, Blade, etc., etc., etc.

Speaking in demon voices or showing red demon eyes

Quotes:

-To Frankenstein’s Monster:  “We shall call you Adam.”

“I know of no other way.  I am not human… or demon… or gargoyle.”

“Now bring me Frankenstein’s Monster!”

“Descend in pain, demon.”

“I think your boss is a demon prince.”

“I’ve never had to thank a human for anything before.”

“You go talk to the Gargoyle Queen, I’ll meet you back here in an hour.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Watching Bill Nye just reminds me of Love Actually.”

“Who are supposed to be the good guys again?”

“There is a lot going on in the movie, but I don’t care about any of it.”

“Do you think he has a stitched together penis?”

“Demons are stupid looking.  I feel like I’m watching an episode of Grimm.”

Things we learned:

-Demons eyes glow red at night clubs.

-Frankenstein’s Monster prefers stupid looking walking sticks as his weapon of choice.

-There has been a century’s long war taking place between demons and gargoyles.

-Working for demon’s doesn’t pay very much, even if you’re an expert in electromagnetics, as evidenced by the complete sh$thole apartment that the main scientist lives in.

-The Gargoyle Queen has a sacred duty to destroy Frankenstein’s Monster.

-Reanimating corpses have a status bar that lights up on their chests to be able to tell their progress.

Final Take:

For a movie with a lot going on, not much is actually going on.  There was little to no character development.  Maybe there is a longer cut of the movie out there where the story is comprised of more than just cardboard cutouts?  (Not that I care or would want to watch it.)  It’s really just a cheap copy of other infinitely better (Matrix) or slightly better (Van Helsing) movies.  It’s fine for watching for free on Netflix, but god help those poor souls that actually paid money in the theaters to watch this dreck.

31
Dec
14

In the Name of the King 3: The Last Job aka The Last Mission (2014)

In the Name of the King 3

Viewing Date:  11/6/14

Plot:

A modern-day assassin, wanting out, is hired for one final job – to kidnap the kids of a local businessman. Things go haywire when it turns out he’s chosen to return to the Middle Ages and bring back order to a kingdom in chaos.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

Bad European child acting

Dragon sightings

People say “dragons”

Fish out of water gags

Every time they mention “the marking”

Anachronisms

Quotes:

“He has the marking.  No one should have the marking.  Where did you get this marking?”

“Now, go on horse.”

“We have brought a stranger.”

“That’s my chair.  Your chair is over there.”

“He speaks like a coward…”  “I bid you adieu.”

“Things change… but people like you never do.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Is this the transporter?”

“Look, the Shaman is making a BBQ rub.”

“I have no emotional investment in this movie whatsoever.”

“That was the movie?”

Things We Learned:

-When you align a European child’s talisman with a hit man’s forearm tattoo, a wormhole opens, and you travel to another dimension with dragons.

-Dragons can eat bullets from handguns.