Archive for June, 2017

23
Jun
17

The Last Witch Hunt

The_Last_Witch_Hunter_poster

Viewing Date: 6/22/2017

Starring: Vin Diesel, Michael Caine, Elijah Wood

Plot

The modern world holds many secrets, but the most astounding secret of all is that witches still live amongst us; vicious supernatural creatures intent on unleashing the Black Death upon the world. Armies of witch hunters battled the unnatural enemy across the globe for centuries, including Kaulder, a valiant warrior who managed to slay the all-powerful Queen Witch, decimating her followers in the process. In the moments right before her death, the Queen curses Kaulder with her own immortality, forever separating him from his beloved wife and daughter in the afterlife. Today Kaulder is the only one of his kind remaining, and has spent centuries hunting down rogue witches, all the while yearning for his long-lost loved ones. However, unbeknownst to Kaulder, the Queen Witch is resurrected and seeks revenge on her killer causing an epic battle that will determine the survival of the human race. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • The witch hunter cross is shown
  • Say “witch”
  • Kaulder is placed under a spell.

Quotes

“What?  She’s a cat person.”

“You know what I like about thrift shops?  Everything in them is old.”

 

Viewer Quotes

“Elijah Wood is clearly a witch” (within 1 minute of EW’s character being on-screen)

“I wonder which movie was more of a box office failure, this or Babylon A.D.” (answer Babylon A.D.)

“Look- a blatant Gladiator rip-off…  With witches.”

What We Learned

  • Back in the 1600’s witch hunters used roadside flares
  • Witches caused the Black Plague
  • Witches are put in witch prison
  • Even after losing his invulnerability, horrible injuries can’t slow down Vin Diesel
  • Elijah Wood’s character was pointless- and obviously a “twist” bad-guy from the start.
  • Michael Caine cashed a paycheck by playing a dead guy or looking out a window

 

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01
Jun
17

Kindergarten Cop 2 (2016)

kindergarten cop 2

Date Watched: 6/1/2017

Starring: Dolph Lundgren and Bill Bellamy

Plot: Assigned to recover sensitive stolen data, a gruff FBI agent goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher, but the school’s liberal, politically correct environment is more than he bargained for. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “pineapple”
  • Seattle/Tacoma landmarks
  • Kids say supposedly funny things

Quotes:

  • “What is this… pineapple?” (spoken in a Russian accent)
  • “This machine owes me a goddamn Twix bar.”
  • “I’m incredibly magnanimous.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This is an awfully long set up for a movie that everyone knows exactly where it is going.”
  • “Of course the other kindergarten teacher looks like a pron star w/ glasses.”
  • “Is this supposed to be a comedy?”

Things We Learned:

  • The FBI headquarters looks exactly like a school.
  • The FBI works exactly like the local police precinct.
  • Dolph Lundgren stays in shape through line dancing.

Final Take:  It was ok.  It took way too long to get anywhere, and it had none of the charming crappiness or energy of the original.