Archive for December, 2018

21
Dec
18

Slay Belles (2018)

Slay Belles

Date Watched: 12/20/18

Starring: Barry Bostwick, Richard Moll (blink and you miss him), some Belles

Plot: It’s Christmas Eve, and three cosplaying women come across the malevolent Christmas demon Krampus. The girls must team up with Santa Claus himself to battle the creature and save the world.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say or show Adventure Girls or putting up Youtube
  • Say “Christmas”
  • Show camera in the tree
  • Santa magic
  • Say “Krampus”

Quotes:

  • “Merry Christmas Bitch!”
  • “I’m not fat, you’re fat.”
  • “We’re trying to help the real-life Santa.”  Santa’s response… “Sup!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Was this filmed at Enchanted Forrest?”
  • “Chopping Santa’s head off.  It’s one of those things.  Had to be done”

Things We Learned:

  • Krampus sniffs out naughty women.
  • Santa is basically Gandolf aka the White Wizard.
  • Santa started a business with Mrs. Claus that failed, and they ended up eating the reindeer.  Then Mrs. Claus became a bartender.  Then she got into bestiality.

Final Take:

It’s a fairly entertaining romp.  I wouldn’t go out of my way for it, but it made a decent holiday Bad Movie Thursday pick.  It really should have upped the gore, nudity, and ridiculousness to really take it over the top.  At 77 minutes, it was over, done, and then easily forgotten before we had time to even finish more than a few drinks.

14
Dec
18

Death Race 4: Beyond Anarchy

DeathRaceAnarchy

Date Watched: 12/13/18

Starring: Danny Trejo, Danny Glover, retreads from Mad Max

Plot: If you’ve seen one Death Race, you should already know the plot here.  Drivers, racing, Frankenstein is the best, people want to beat him.

Rules

  • “Frankenstein”
  • Gratuitous violence
  • “Death Race”
  • T & A
  • Frankenstein walking in slow motion
  • Advanced rule: “Convict”
  • Race scene: Cars flipping in the air.
  • Race scene: Spectators getting killed
  • Race scene: Gear shifting

Quotes

  • “Rest assured, there are no virgins in these walls, because life has fucked you all.”
  • “Best advice, learn how to run.  Learn how to fight.”
  • “If I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it.”
  • “Let me whack him, Frank.  He’s nothing but a couple drops of jizz sprouted from a shit-filled crack in the sidewalk.”
  • “I’ve heard of you.  You euthanized over 400 people.”  –  “Not all of them were dying.  Some were just living inconsequential lives and as such were considered already dead.”
  • “That pretty boy can fight.”  –  “Yah, but can he drive.”  –  “Who cares?  I just want to know if he fucks like he fights.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Who would you be in the Sprawl?”  –  “I’d be the clown guy.  The mime, jester guy.”  –  “I’d be one of those guys cleaning up the crash victims.”  –  “I’d be playing the guitar on the front of that flaming truck.”
  • “We should all have names like that.  Milkwaukie Mike.  Alabama Adam.  Green Bay Graham.  Syracuse Shelly.”  –  “What?  I’m not even watching!”
  • “I would have thought having no shirt in a situation like this would be a severe disadvantage.  I mean, these guys have armor on.”
  • “This is just ridiculous, in a lot of ways.”
  • “Already at 200+ mph and he downshifts again.  How many gears does this car have?”

Things We Learned

  • Convicts reason like 3 year olds.
  • 10% of the population of the Sprawl dies every year.
  • Danny Trejo is 74 years old.  74 mf-ing years old.

Final Take: Not bad.  Not bad at all.  There was a minor twist on the Death Race formula.  It was overly gratuitous, which was necessary for a movie like this.  There was a bit too much character development/exposition, but if you can get through that you’ll find a mildly entertaining movie.




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