Author Archive for

25
Oct
19

Running With The Devil

RunningWithTheDevil

Date Watched: 10/24/19

Starring: Nic Cage, Lawrence Fishurne, Berry Piper, A. Blonde Girl

Plot: Drugs + Nic Cage = a part he was born to play.  Something is going on with a bunch of cocaine killing people.  Lots of plot threads barely come together, requiring a bit more attention than you are likely willing to pay.

Rules

  • Any text on screen.
  • Stupid Indiana Jones maps
  • References to ‘Cartagena’
  • People doing coke
  • References to Washington State

Quotes

  • “Sometimes my genitals are very hard to control.”
  • “Alright, wrigley…why don’t you get out and look for your phone.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Did he say genitals, or generals?”
  • “When you run with the devil, you get the horns?”
  • “If you can see the ground, you probably don’t need snowshoes.”

Things We Learned

  • Buy drugs at the source, it will be a fraction of the price.
  • Cops can take their suspects custody and torture them for days.
  • Nic Cage cannot die.
  • Don’t It’s ok to take the service elevator with a known killer.

Final TakeVery unfulfilling movie.  Didn’t relate to any of the characters.  I don’t know whether I was rooting for the drug dealers or the police.  It wasn’t quite dumb enough or smart enough to really register on too many levels.  Not over-the-top enough, either.  I can’t recommend this one.

 

20
Sep
19

The Last Airbender

Image result for the last airbender

Viewing Date: 9/19/19

Starring: Noah Ringer, Dev Patel, Nicola Pelz

Plot: Follows the adventures of Aang, a young successor to a long line of Avatars, who must master all four elements and stop the Fire Nation from enslaving the Water Tribes and the Earth Kingdom.

Rules

  • “Avatar”
  • Using elements
  • Exposition moments

Viewer Quotes

  • “What kind of bender would you want to be?”  “I’d like to go on a bender…”

 

What We Learned

  • It’s in the heart where all wars are won.
  • Fire-benders can have hot hands.
  • The fire hates the moon
  • When the power arrow mohawk lights up, he means business
22
Aug
19

Rampage (2018)

Rampage

Date Watched: 8/22/19

Starring: The Rock, 80’s video game monsters, Negan as basically Negan

Plot: When three different animals become infected with a dangerous pathogen, a primatologist and a geneticist team up to stop them from destroying Chicago.  (from IMDB.com)

Rules: 

-Video game references
-Sign language w/ monkeys
-Say Crsper
-Dumb radio signal to lure the monsters

Quotes:

-“Is it me, or is he considerably bigger?”
-“I need that wolf… dead or alive”
-“What are you, some sort of International Man of Mystery?”
-“David, there’s something big in the river.”… “Well, that sucks.”

Viewer Quotes:

-“Has the Rock ever been in an actual good movie?”
-“Wow, this is really just a bunch of nonsense.”

Things We Learned:

-Monkeys can give people the finger and knock the Rock (pun intended).
-Ruthless CEO has Rampage video game in her office in a movie about Rampage video game.
-Doctors have access to helicopters.  (And damaged helicopters can “float” down buildings as they crumble.)
-Getting shot in the gut is no big deal if you’re The Rock.  (Just remember to occasionally wince.)
-Wolves can fly.

Final Take:

Not too shabby for a BMT Movie.  It certainly was silly, but it did a decent job of tone and being entertaining.  I’m not sure what else you could ask for in a movie about three cartoon monsters that scale a building.

09
Aug
19

Spies Like Us

spiesLikeUs

Date Watched: 8/8/19

Starring: Dan Akroyd, Chevy Chase, lots of 80’s actors who always played military personnel.

Plot: Two bumbling government employees think they are U.S. spies, only to discover that they are actually decoys for Nuclear War.

Rules

  • 80’s cliches
  • Spy cliches
  • Ronald Reagan sightings
  • Don’t forget house rule #11, mustaches.
  • Ace Tomato Co.

Quotes

  • “Done?  That was a static filled triple scrambled microwave transmission between two soldiers talking in Mandarin Chinese.”  –  “The Chinese were only using a simple poly-phonetically grouped twenty square digit key transposed in booster-prodomic form with multiple nulls.”
  • “You just watch your moooouuuttthhhhh, mister.  The departments laying off civilians left and right.”
  • “Can you hold my wallet for me.  There’s 1000 dollars in there… or maybe there isn’t.”
  • “What was that?”  –  “It’s a dickfir.”  –  “What’s a dickfir?”  –  “It’s to pee with.”
  • “You see this?  That’s my sister.  You can all have her.  I hear she’s really good.”
  • “Thanks for the bruises, and you can keep the stool samples.”
  • “I guess we’ll be heading back to the ol’ UN, and of course we’ll be telling them what a great job you’re doing here.”
  • “I was probing to determine muscle tone and girth.  We mock what we don’t understand.”
  • “I was just looking for the Burt Reynolds Theater.”
  • “It’s Soul Finger, by the Bar-Kays.”  –  “They must be having trouble getting gigs!”
  • “Do you know what those things can do?  Suck the paint off your  house and give your family a permanent orange afro.”

Things We Learned

  • A weapon unused is a useless weapon.
  • When you’re pairing off at the end of the world, sometimes it works out for you.
  • If you only have a few minutes to live, find the nearest partner (whatever that means)

Final Take: A classic 80’s comedy, one of the few with both Dan Akroyd and Chevy Chase.  It starts better than it ends.  By the end, you are definitely ready for it to be over.

 

21
Jun
19

The North Star

North Star (1996)

Viewing date: 6/20/19

Starring: Christopher Lambert, James Caan

Plot: Set during the Alaskan gold rush of the late 1800s. In his efforts to gain control of a small mining town, Sean McLennon is buying up every mining claim that becomes available, usually after the deaths of the previous owners at the hands of McLennon’s “assistants”. One of the miners targeted by McLennon, a half-Indian hunter named “Hudson Saanteek”, manages to escape his hired thugs, and comes back into town looking to re-establish his claim and get revenge. McLennon and his men have the advantage of numbers and weapons, but Saanteek has his survival skills, and knowledge of the Alaskan wilderness.

Rules

  • “Hudson Saanteek”
  • “Claims”
  • “Yub yub.”
  • “North Star.”

Quotes

  • “Nobody dies ’til I tell them to die.”
  • “If I can save that cave….  I can be honest with myself about who I am!”
  • “I wanted to say goodbye…”  (stabbing)  “So did I.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Escape on a dogsled.  Is that a cinematic first?”

What We Learned

  • You cannot own the land.  You can only respect it.
  • Having a swiss accent is pretty close to an eskimo accent.
  • Jumping out of a dogsled can throw a tracker off the scent- sometimes..

 

06
Jun
19

Solomon Kane (2009)

Solomon Kane Pic

Date Watched: 6/6/19

Starring: Thee-Eyed Raven, Kobayashi, and dude from Altered Carbon

Plot:

A ruthless mercenary renounces violence after learning his soul is bound for hell. When a young girl is kidnapped and her family slain by a sorcerer’s murderous cult, he is forced to fight and seek his redemption slaying evil. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Every time he’s unstoppable or kills two bad guys at once
  • Say “Solomon Kane”
  • Shows his scarred back

Quotes:

  • “Silence you dogs”
  • “Killing came easily to me”
  • About not fighting anymore… “I may just have changed my mind about that.”
  • “I was born here.  I have no intention of going through the front gates.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “He didn’t know that with their black demon eyes these guys were possessed.  He must have thought it was a Vitamin C deficiency.”
  • “That’s a tough way to wake up from a hangover, being dragged through the mud to your own death.”

Things We Learned:

  • Weird underground tunnels full of demons have already lit torches.

Final Take:

Surprisingly watchable.  This movie comes up continuously in our Netflix searches, but we’ve never been down to watch it, as it looks like a terrible version of Van Helsing.  (Van Helsing is already terrible in itself.)  So, we gave it a shot, and we were pleasantly surprised.  This had decent effects and acting, and we’d give it a positive recommendation.

24
May
19

The Predator

the_predator

Date Watched: 5/23/19

Starring: Thomas Jane, Key and Peele, Theon Greyjoy

Plot: When a young boy accidentally triggers the universe’s most lethal hunters’ return to Earth, only a ragtag crew of ex-soldiers and a disgruntled scientist can prevent the end of the human race.

Rules

  • Use of Predator Tech
  • Autistic kid doing stupid crap
  • Translated predator language
  • Callbacks to the original Predator movie (“Get to the chopper”)

Quotes

  • “How do you circumcise a homeless man?  Kick your mom in the chin.”
  • “If your momma’s vagina was a videogame, it would be rated ‘E’ for everyone.”
  • “What is this?”  –  “It’s a unicorn.  I’m sorry, it’s a piece of shit.”
  • “Good evening.  Um, the brushstrokes on this are dynamic… it’s a wonderful piece.”
  • “That’s my new suit, Bubba.  Hope they got it in a 42 long.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “How would you even know that a thumbs up is good?”  –  “This is where I shut it off.”
  • “When’s he going to poop out the ball and use it to do predator tech?”

Things We Learned

  • Predators collect DNA
  • If you’re autistic, you can hack your way into predator spaceships.
  • Autistic children are the most valuable predator trophy.
  • Some predators want to help humans, others want to kill us.  The good ones also seem to want to kill us, but appreciate a naked female form.

Final Take: A little all over the place.  Kind of a mess, hard to follow.  The loony gang was funny, and most of the action was entertaining, but I’m still not sure what the whole point was.  Don’t think about the plot points too much and you’ll probably enjoy it.




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