Author Archive for

15
Nov
22

Fateful Findings (2013)

Viewing Date: 11/10/22

Starring: Neil Breen, Klara Landrat, Jennifer Autry

Plot: A small boy discovers a mystical power as a child, then is separated from his childhood girlfriend. He grows up to be an acclaimed novelist and also a computer scientist who hacks into the most secret national and international secrets. His childhood discovery gives him amazing paranormal powers. He is reunited with the childhood girlfriend, mystically, on his hospital deathbed–as his relationship with his current drug-addict girlfriend is deteriorating. As passions build among the threesome, mystical, psychiatric, and worldly forces rise to prevent him from revealing the hacked secrets. He attempts to reveal all in a large press conference in Washington, D.C. with ‘fateful,’ dangerous consequences. (via IMDB, possibly written by… Neil Breen?)

Rules

  • Humble Brag
  • Clutching the black stone
  • Weird shots of feet and legs
  • Multiple laptops in one shot
  • Neil Breen naked / partially naked
  • Magic book
  • Ghost ‘stuff’
  • Therapists

Quotes

  • “They have no idea…”
  • “I never thought to look at the name on the chest” (Doctor speaking to her patient)
  • “I knew I was in love with you when we were walking in the forest and found the black cube.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Throwing books. No! Too many rules already!”
  • “What is this ghost business?”

What We Learned

  • You still need to take someone’s pulse by their wrist, even if they have all kinds of medical equipment hooked up.
  • Neil Breen and friends eat decorative fruit baskets for dinner
  • Always a good idea to wipe blood on your face if given the opportunity.
  • When the reckoning comes for the secret cabal, they all commit suicide in different, creative ways.
  • Your childhood crush when you were 8 years old carries a much stronger bond / love than your wife of many years.

Final Take

Yep, its another Neil Breen movie. I actually think this was more enjoyable than Double Down- a tiny bit more coherent and apparently a remake of that earlier movie (although you wouldn’t know if Neil Breen didn’t tell you). Not quite as much repetition or Neil Breen doing crazy things solo, in the desert for half the movie. This is described as a ‘paranormal thriller’, which makes about as much sense as anything that happens in the movie from start to end. There is a terrible CGI “ghost” that appears occasionally and the magic black rock / cube, but I wouldn’t classify either of those things as thrilling. At least the movie ends on a high note, that (of course) has little to do with any of the movie up to this point, and does not deal with any of the relationships between the characters in the movie- Neil Breen was actually hacking into computer systems, exposing evil Cabals (don’t recall what they were doing, other than being evil), which led to mass suicide by all of these bad actors. Enjoyable as long as you know what you’re getting into.

21
Oct
22

The Legend of Halloween Jack

Viewing Date: 10/20/2022

Starring: Lee Bane, Jason Gregg, Sarah John

Plot: On Halloween night, a serial killer returns from the dead to take revenge on the vigilantes who put him to death one year earlier.

Rules

  • Pumpkins
  • “Jack”
  • Old horror movie footage
  • Halloweenisms

Quotes

  • “Look down at me and you see a fool. Look up at me and you see a god. Look straight at me and you see yourself.”
  • “Life is just a dream for the dead.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This is a Trump appointed judge.”
  • “This guy’s layering jackets. A fluffy vest over a puffy jacket.”

What We Learned

  • Life is just a dream for the dead.
  • Dripping blood on a grave will reanimate the dead.
  • A “prison purse” is a butt hole.
  • People trick or treat in the UK.

Final Take

This one was just OK. It wasn’t too funny, it was kind of hard to follow, and people were killing other people without any explanation as to why. The main villain was not too interesting or scary, either. It was the only Halloween movie we could find on short notice and it definitely was not very memorable. Won’t be watching the sequel any time soon.

01
Sep
22

Iron Sky: The Coming Race (2019)

Viewing Date: 6/2/22

Starring: Lara Rossi, Vladimir Burlakov, Kit Dale, Tom Green

Plot: Twenty years after the events of Iron Sky, the former Nazi Moonbase has become the last refuge of mankind. Earth was devastated by a nuclear war, but buried deep under the wasteland lies a power that could save the last of humanity – or destroy it once and for all. The truth behind the creation of mankind will be revealed when an old enemy leads our heroes on an adventure into the Hollow Earth. To save humanity they must fight the Vril, an ancient shapeshifting reptilian race and their army of dinosaurs (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Dinosaurs
  • Moon / Moonquake
  • References to Apple products
  • “Vril” / “Vril ya”

Quotes

  • “Let’s make Earth great again”
  • “Take out your PowerPoint, I’m going to dictate some slides.”
  • “When I find you, I will dip your head in a bucket of shit!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Seems like it had a decent budget!”
  • “Almost seems like a normal movie”.

What We Learned

  • There are moon quakes- and lots of them.
  • Moon God is Steve Jobs.
  • The Earth is hollow
  • Vril live forever
  • Nokia 3310 phones are the best piece of technology ever invented.

Final Take

Meets expectations, so for a bad movie that’s a decent endorsement. Plenty of pop culture and political satire. As the viewer quotes indicate, the CGI and effects, are better than expected. Its been a while since we watched the first one, which I think was better than this, but when you’re making movies about Nazis on the moon, there’s only so many ways to amplify I guess…

01
Sep
22

Double Down (2005)

Viewing Date: Sep 1, 2022

Starring: Neil Breen (of course)

Plot: A brilliant computer loner seizes Las Vegas and its terrorist attack, while fighting against his fits of clinical depression and obsession for romance and death.

Rules

  • Stock footage (expert rule)
  • Random human bones or skulls
  • Eating Tuna
  • Using laptops
  • Humble Brag / Aaron Brand (Breen) reminding us what a genius he is.
  • External exposition.
  • Blood vials

Quotes

  • “I’m an American! I’m an American! I love this country!”
  • “I eat tuna out of the can and live out of my car.”
  • “Electronic, satellite and computer skills….”
  • “Don’t ask how I found you. I know everything- more than the government knows.”
  • “That’s impossible, that can’t be…”

Viewer Quotes

  • “I’m drinking for the double butts.”
  • “Grandpa, do you want to be in a movie?”

What We Learned

  • You can steal a car with a cellphone- if you’re a super genius.
  • The best place to keep laptops is in the desert
  • There are Anthrax dealers
  • EVERYTHING is done electronically.
  • Neil Breen can cure cancer (or maybe it is the fool’s gold)
  • You get blood on your face when doing target practice

Final Take

Wow. This was a lot to unpack- and yet practically nothing. If it was possible for someone to rival the filmmaking madness of Tommy Wiseau (The Room), Neil Breen just might be the one. There really isn’t much in the way of a coherent plot- he is blackmailing governments so that he doesn’t unleash a biological attack on Las Vegas, or something. The movie continually goes back to similar scenes to Neil working on his multiple lap tops at a time, and he has a secret force fields, because… Just because.

There are several unrelated scenes and many characters that are only in one scene with no mention of them before or after. I don’t understand it, but then again I don’t understand how to control the stock market, control elections, or shut down power grids for entire city. These things are only understood by super geniuses like Neil Breen.

19
Aug
22

Never Too Young To Die

Viewing Date: Aug 18, 2022

Starring: John Stamos

Plot: A top secret Agent is murdered, so his estranged son, a high school gymnast, teams up with his dad’s attractive female partner to stop the psychopathic hermaphroditic gang leader who killed him, and now plans a major terrorist attack.

Rules

  • “Stargrove”
  • Gene Simmons giving someone the finger
  • John Stamos (Stargrove) doing gymnastic moves
  • Mad Max motorcycles
  • RAM-K

Quotes

  • “Fork over some RAM-K, bitch, or I’ll tenderize your butt!”
  • “Trade a wet kiss for this?”
  • “Name’s not scumbag, it’s Stargrove. Lance Stargrove.”
  • “Hey you Japanese fruit fly.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “She’s a 49er fan. Those are definitely 49er colors.”
  • “Look… he got another apple! He’s not getting the hint.”
  • “I think the fire blaster is probably going to come in handy.”
  • “He fingered himself… and a gymnastics move! That’s a double!”

What We Learned

  • You can lead a double life with just a wig and fake beard.
  • With the right computer disk you can pump toxic waste directly into the water supply.
  • A fingernail knife is a great way to kill someone.

Final Take

This was a strange movie. There was some James Bond, quite a bit of Mad Max, some weird 9.5 weeks shit, a little Goonies, and then some Gymkata. It was a strange mix of crap and it really didn’t mesh well. The whole premise didn’t make a whole lot of sense, so be prepared to be lost for a while. That said, it was entertaining, and seeing Gene Simmons as a hermaphrodite villain was memorable.

24
Jun
22

High-Ballin’

Viewing Date: June 23, 2022

Starring: Peter Fonda

Plot: Two truck drivers fight off thugs who have been hired to drive them out of business.

Rules

  • “Smokey”
  • Trucker lingo
  • “Iron Duke”
  • Subtitles show as “Inaudible”

Quotes

  • “Oh boy. Oh boy. Get in here Monkey.”
  • “Like you always say, it’s your mouth. You can haul coal in it if you want.”
  • “Keep the shiny side up and the greasy side down.”
  • “There’s that beaver!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “She’s a part-time busty trucker”
  • “Wasn’t he supposed to be a stunt cyclist? Why is he never riding a motorcycle?”

What We Learned

  • Trucker movies might be too slow to watch on Bad Movie Thursday
  • Ultimately we learned nothing from this movie

Final Take

This was a slow movie. It was a learning experience. Note to self… avoid trucker movies from the late 70’s in future Bad Movie Thursdays.

19
May
22

Avalanche Sharks (2014)

Date Watched: 5/19/22

Starring: No one we know.

Plot: Avalanche Sharks tells the story of a bikini contest that turns into a horrifying affair when it is hit by a shark avalanche. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Electrical disturbances
  • Shark fins/shark kills
  • Bikinis
  • Say “Skookum”
  • Montage scenes
  • Say “Mammoth”

Quotes:

  • “Is it weird that signs like that give me a hard on?”
  • “I never said he couldn’t lust after me.”
  • Q: “We can’t just sit around drink beer and have sex all the time.”  A: “Why not? I thought you liked beer.”
  • “I mean she was mauled to death.  There was nothing left to make a sloppy joe.”
  • “No Dale, I’m not crazy.  I’m a marine.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This movie is filmed like a promotional video for Mammoth.” 

Things we learned:

  • The best time to exercise is when you’re high.
  • The best way to settle a dispute over a girl is a sweet snowmobile race.

Final Take:

Woof.  This sounded really intriguing and over the top, but it failed terribly with the execution.  Bad CGI kills that aren’t particularly fun.  Random skiing stock footage scenes.  Billed as “the story of a bikini contest”, except there’s no bikini contest. 

29
Apr
22

Strike Commando

Viewing Date: April 28, 2022

Starring: Reb Brown

Plot: In the Vietnam war, an American soldier survives a botched mission, with help from a group of locals who perceive him as a hero. He’s sent back for a reconnaissance mission, only to find his helpers massacred by a brutal Russian soldier.

Rules

  • Explosions (reminder: house rule, but there are a lot)
  • Ramboisms
  • “Ransom”
  • Father Francois takes a drink
  • Abrupt scene transitions

Quotes

  • “Disneyland. They’ve got popcorn and ice cream growing on trees.”
  • “I tried to resist. I just can’t stand physical pain. I never could. Like going to the dentist.”
  • “Jesus! You scared the shit out of me.”
  • “How do you say goodbye in Russian? Auf Wiedershen.”
  • “He works for the KGB, you thickheaded hero.”
  • “Where does he keep finding these clusters of grenades?”
  • “These Russian dentists make some pretty good dentures.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Every time we see this guy he’s gotten even sweatier.”
  • “Apparently he got all these villagers killed. He must not be their savior.”
  • “What the fuck is this popcorn on trees shit!”
  • “Every namsploitation movie needs a revenge tour. Now he can kill with no remorse.”
  • “We need a line graph of sweatiness vs evil in this movie.”

What We Learned

  • The best way to command a mission is in the field, 50 yards from the operation.
  • Americans are saviors because they will kill your enemies for you, no questions asked.
  • You know someone is dead when their sandals fall off of their feet.
  • Grenades can sometimes have a timed fuse, when it suits.

Final Take

This was basically just a Rambo fever-dream. The scene transitions were difficult to follow. The plot made no sense, and pretty much all the supporting characters were killed after a few minutes of screen time. I’m still not sure why any of it even happened. But it was marginally enjoyable and I probably will watch the sequel.

31
Mar
22

The Neon Dead (2017)

Viewing Date: Mar 31, 2022

Starring: Marie Barker, Greg Garrison, D. Dylan Schettina

Plot: An unemployed recent college grad hires two freelance paranormal exterminators to combat a monster infestation in her new home.

Rules

  • Zombies
  • Green Slime
  • Form / Trident is shown or used
  • ‘Squelching’ (in closed caption)

Quotes

  • “That’s a Jawa. I’ve seen them before”.

What We Learned

  • BONES = Brotherhood of Necromancers and Evil Sorcerers
  • Salt kills zombies

Final Take

Is this a short review? Yes, because this movie was highly forgettable. There were some cool stop action motion battles and unique effects with the neon zombies / aliens / whatever they are. This is basically just another low budget zombie movie at a rave. Pass.

11
Mar
22

The Beastmaster

Date Watched: 3/10/2022

Starring: Marc Singer, with Head Animal Trainer Boone Narr

Plot: A sword-and-sorcery fantasy about a young man’s search for revenge. Armed with supernatural powers, the handsome hero and his animal allies wage war against marauding forces.

Rules

  • Talking to animals
  • Beast Vision
  • Using the night filter
  • “Dar”
  • “Juns”

Quotes

  • “Now we are dead!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “That’s just a tiger painted black!”
  • “Can the beastmaster talk with fish? What about insects? Where do you draw the line of a ‘beast’?”
  • “Is that supposed to be a city? Or is that supposed to be a model?”
  • “He just had to have a good cry.”

Things We Learned

  • Stealing kids is easiest if you move them unborn into a cow.
  • An eagle can pick up a child
  • Beastmasters are not kings of men, they are kings of beasts.

Final Take: This movie is pretty good, but it is probably about 40 minutes too long. It has 3 different points where you’ll feel like the movie is over, has wrapped up, but then it just keeps going each time. That said, it’s surprisingly well done in comparison to most movies like this, and you really have to appreciate the animal training involved. They needed the best and hired the best. Great work, Boone Narr.




December 2022
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