Starring: Dean “Eyebrows” Cameron, Amy Dolenz, Pat Morita
Plot
A down-on-his luck beach bum asks a cute female genie to help him seduce the woman of his dreams only to realize that he might be looking in the wrong place.
Rules
Genie granting wishes
Every time they say “genie”
Quotes
“I’m rehearsing for a mayonnaise commercial.”
What we learned:
All you really need is a good blanket.
Pat Morita is actually a fat white troll.
Final Take
This was a highly forgettable movie. If you’re expecting another Ski School, as we were, you will likely be sorely disappointed. It seemed like the kind of movie that was thrown together on two napkins by some coked-out Hollywood-adjacent c-listers. There was lots of T and A, though, so it’s got that going for it.
Starring: Paul Hogan, Linda Kozlowski, Jere Burns, cameo by Mike Tyson
Plot
From the opening shot of a Jurassic Park-esque reptilian eye, you know you are in for a wild ride. As Mick “Crocodile” Dundee sits in a canoe sharpening his famous knife, a monstrous croc hides somewhere in the deep. The croc suddenly attacks, tearing Mick’s boat to pieces and leaving him and mate Jacko up a tree. Life for Mick can only get easier, right? When Mick arrives at home, he discovers longtime companion Sue’s newspaper-mogul father has called, and needs her help on an article at the paper’s Los Angeles branch. Mick, who recognizes his importance in the modernizing bush is now no more than as a tourist attraction, agrees to join her, and together Mick, Sue and son Mikey head for Los Angeles. Here the adventure truly begins, as Mick and Jacko brave a cowboy bar where the horsemen are of a different color, and a Hollywood film party where everyone seems interested in Mick’s mate Malcolm “Mal” Gibson’s colorful exploits. Sue’s article soon leads to a sleazy film producer, so Mick gets a job as a monkey wrangler at his studio, where his investigation uncovers some very sketchy goings-on (via IMDB).
Rules
Australians not understanding modern culture
Fish out of water gags
Crocodile Dundee drives a Subaru Outback
References to previous CD movies
Women inexplicably attracted to Mick or his sidekick
Product placements
Quotes
“This is one of those soft tops…” “CAVE IN!”
“Man stuff, right?”
“…Built like a brick dunny.”
“Isn’t that the guy that had the skunk on the freeway?”
What we learned:
A skunk is “man stuff”
If you are Australian, you have animal whispering powers
Australians are somehow aware of, yet entirely shocked and impressed with, fast food drive thrus
The best way to smuggle priceless works of art is through an elaborate movie production, which films in two locations
If you are summoned to take a Newspaper job as a short term assignment, you get to live in a Beverly Hills mansion and must enroll your kid in school
Its easy to get a walk-on job as an extra in Hollywood, with opportunity for promotion to pet handler.
Final Take
Where do we start? Sad that the Crocodile Dundee franchise ended in such a pathetic money grab (I sure could go for some Wendy’s and a diet Pepsi!), when we all have such fond, nostalgic memories of the first two. This version seems to be targeted to children, with the accompanying plot and jokes you would expect. In the first one, it was largely believable that Mick wouldn’t understand a bidet, cocaine or some of the stranger aspects of city life, but he seems to not have learned anything through his life experiences. But somehow this still makes him as attractive and charming as ever to the ladies. Watch for the bizarre cameo by Mike Tyson, who teaches Mick and his son to meditate (for some reason) while hanging out in a park.
Starring: Guy from Summer School and other late 80’s/early 90’s hijinks actors
Plot: Rival ski instructors at a prestigious mountain school compete to save their jobs. The infamous “Section Eight”, a popular group of skiing partiers are up against some rich stiffs whose only thought is beating their arch rivals in the annual spring pageant. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Pranks
Ski jumps or tricks
Every time they drink beers
Advanced rule = you see neon
Quotes:
To well-endowed woman: “Hey, you’ve got really big… muscles.”
Love talk (aka romantic dialogue): “Hi” Response: “Hey”
Later love talk: “Hi” Response: “Hi”
“That’s right Johnny, you didn’t say anything.”
Viewer Quotes:
“I hope these aren’t the ski instructors instructing our kids.”
“That guy is my favorite buffoon. He’s supposed to be the bad guy, but he’s just so inept.”
Things we learned:
You need a spotter with 10 pound weights.
Neon means you’re a good guy.
The best way to win a ski contest is to lasso the competitor with a grappling hook and drag them down.
In order to be the best, you must lose your mind.
Final Take:
This was everything that you’d think it was and maybe a little more? Or less? Some of the “humor” and female characterizations have aged pretty poorly, but I’m not sure what else you’d expect from a movie like this. It’s the kind of lowest common denominator film (using that term extremely loosely) that you used to see on USA’s “Up All Night”. As I was writing this up, I realized that there was a Ski School 2 made, and I kind of want to see it. So, I guess that means that this movie would be recommended.
Starring: The Barbarian Brothers (David Paul and Peter Paul), Richard Lynch, Eva LaRue, Michael Berryman
Plot: Two twin barbarians seek revenge from the warlord who massacred their tribe and captured them when they were small children. (via IMDB)
Rules
Disfigured faces
Unnecessary feats of strength
Blue Filter
Actors we recognize
“Ruby” or any mention of “the stone”
Magic is used
Stupid Barbarian noises (you’ll know them when you hear them)
Viewer Quotes
“Its a drive-by knifing.”
“How do you eat when your mouth is sewn shut?”
“That one guy- he’s not a great actor.” “Which one?” “The dirtmaster.”
What We Learned
The strip club is a good place to buy weapons
You can check virginity status by sticking a ruby in someone’s belly button
You should stop juggling when being chased
Rubies contain the secret of music- and that is extremely valuable to evil warlords
You can’t outrun bandits in a circus wagon
Final Take
This was a fun throwback to the steroid-fueled 80’s fantasy genre, and an obvious attempt to cash in on the popularity of Conan the Barbarian. You get exactly what you expect with terrible dialogue and acting from the Barbarian Brothers. They are complete buffoons but somehow save the day simply through their incredible strength. Anyway, it is worth some laughs as the brothers go on some sort of adventure to save their former circus companion who has been imprisoned by an evil warlord who wants the magic ruby that contains the power of music and entertainment. Middle of the road bad movie overall.
Plot: A group of teenagers at a party find themselves being stalked by a maniacal killer in a Santa Claus costume.
Rules
Double Entendres
Innuendos
“Calvin”, saying it or references to the finishing school for girls
Scooby Doo noises
Quotes
“Come on, Einstein. Time for your advanced course in relativity.”
“If you raise a hand on one of these fillies, I’ll personally raise your voice another octave.”
Viewer Quotes
“It’s never ok to hold someone’s chin for this long. Not under any circumstances.”
What We Learned
God put us here to take care of the plants
College kids love drinking milk before bed.
When you put on a Santa murder mask you become super strong.
Drinking PBR will make Santa kill you.
Sorority house mothers are great at killing and cleaning up crime scenes.
Final Take
Pretty by-the-numbers slasher flick. Literally almost every trope of the genre was on display, but being from 1980 that probably wasn’t a thing at the time. Lots of plot holes, not great acting or dialogue, but not bad enough to really qualify for a Bad Movie Thursday recommendation. We only picked it because it had a Christmas theme, but it could barely qualify for even that. Not recommended.
Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Vivica A Fox, Dude from 30 Rock
Plot: Fin has to go back in time to rejoin his shark-battling friends to stop the first Sharknado and save humanity. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Say “time”
Callbacks to previous Sharknado movies that we don’t remember
Say “Sharknado”
Dee Snider quotes one of his songs or other cameos that the character makes a reference to themselves
Talking about needing speed
Quotes:
“Welcome to prehistoric times.”
“I’ve actually been eaten and pooped out by a lot of dinosaurs.”
“First time ever on a pterodactyl?”
“These are the same drawings that are at Stonehenge.”
Dee Snider: “I think I know who’s twisted Mister.”
Viewer Quotes:
“Is that the guy from 30 Rock?”
“This movie is… something else.”
“OMG that is Deana Troy.”
“C’mon, you’re better than this Neil deGrasse Tyson.”
“If I could get a chainsaw sword for Christmas, I would be pretty delighted.”
Things We Learned:
You can only go back in time once.
One of the consequences of travelling in time is changing sexes and then not remembering.
20,000 years in the future all people are Tara Reid
Final Take:
Well, if you’ve made it through five other Sharknado movies, then you kind of know what you’re getting into with number six. I can’t say that this one is better or worse than the others, because I have little to no memory of them. They all provide a decent BMT experience, and they all are immediately forgettable. I think we’re kind of glad to be done with this series. Wait, what’s that you say? Ian Ziering and the makers of Sharknado created another movie called “Zombie Tidal Wave”? Darn, I guess we kind of have to see that at some point. 🙂
Starring: Neil Breen, Klara Landrat, Jennifer Autry
Plot: A small boy discovers a mystical power as a child, then is separated from his childhood girlfriend. He grows up to be an acclaimed novelist and also a computer scientist who hacks into the most secret national and international secrets. His childhood discovery gives him amazing paranormal powers. He is reunited with the childhood girlfriend, mystically, on his hospital deathbed–as his relationship with his current drug-addict girlfriend is deteriorating. As passions build among the threesome, mystical, psychiatric, and worldly forces rise to prevent him from revealing the hacked secrets. He attempts to reveal all in a large press conference in Washington, D.C. with ‘fateful,’ dangerous consequences. (via IMDB, possibly written by… Neil Breen?)
Rules
Humble Brag
Clutching the black stone
Weird shots of feet and legs
Multiple laptops in one shot
Neil Breen naked / partially naked
Magic book
Ghost ‘stuff’
Therapists
Quotes
“They have no idea…”
“I never thought to look at the name on the chest” (Doctor speaking to her patient)
“I knew I was in love with you when we were walking in the forest and found the black cube.”
Viewer Quotes
“Throwing books. No! Too many rules already!”
“What is this ghost business?”
What We Learned
You still need to take someone’s pulse by their wrist, even if they have all kinds of medical equipment hooked up.
Neil Breen and friends eat decorative fruit baskets for dinner
Always a good idea to wipe blood on your face if given the opportunity.
When the reckoning comes for the secret cabal, they all commit suicide in different, creative ways.
Your childhood crush when you were 8 years old carries a much stronger bond / love than your wife of many years.
Final Take
Yep, its another Neil Breen movie. I actually think this was more enjoyable than Double Down- a tiny bit more coherent and apparently a remake of that earlier movie (although you wouldn’t know if Neil Breen didn’t tell you). Not quite as much repetition or Neil Breen doing crazy things solo, in the desert for half the movie. This is described as a ‘paranormal thriller’, which makes about as much sense as anything that happens in the movie from start to end. There is a terrible CGI “ghost” that appears occasionally and the magic black rock / cube, but I wouldn’t classify either of those things as thrilling. At least the movie ends on a high note, that (of course) has little to do with any of the movie up to this point, and does not deal with any of the relationships between the characters in the movie- Neil Breen was actually hacking into computer systems, exposing evil Cabals (don’t recall what they were doing, other than being evil), which led to mass suicide by all of these bad actors. Enjoyable as long as you know what you’re getting into.
Plot: On Halloween night, a serial killer returns from the dead to take revenge on the vigilantes who put him to death one year earlier.
Rules
Pumpkins
“Jack”
Old horror movie footage
Halloweenisms
Quotes
“Look down at me and you see a fool. Look up at me and you see a god. Look straight at me and you see yourself.”
“Life is just a dream for the dead.”
Viewer Quotes
“This is a Trump appointed judge.”
“This guy’s layering jackets. A fluffy vest over a puffy jacket.”
What We Learned
Life is just a dream for the dead.
Dripping blood on a grave will reanimate the dead.
A “prison purse” is a butt hole.
People trick or treat in the UK.
Final Take
This one was just OK. It wasn’t too funny, it was kind of hard to follow, and people were killing other people without any explanation as to why. The main villain was not too interesting or scary, either. It was the only Halloween movie we could find on short notice and it definitely was not very memorable. Won’t be watching the sequel any time soon.
Plot: An evil ninja attempts to avenge his death from beyond the grave, by possessing an innocent woman’s body. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Ninja weapons
Superhero Ninja Things
80s callbacks to other movies
Floating swords
Christie dancing
Quotes:
“You got this to kill a cop with or something?”
“I don’t have any coffee in my apartment, but I have some v8 juice. Would you like to take me home?”
“I am a ninja!”
Viewer Quotes:
“I remember my mom did jazzercise at the rec center.”
“There’s nothing sexy about v8.”
“She’s going to call 187 demon ninja.”
“He’s so hairy. He looks like Gollum. He should take his sweater off.”
Things we learned:
Ninjas can crush golf balls and pool balls with their hands.
Ninjas can dig holes like a gopher.
Only a ninja can destroy a ninja.
Final Take:
Wow, there’s a lot to take in, and I mean that as a compliment! This is a very odd, silly, stupid, ridiculous movie that is incredibly enjoyable to watch. I would highly recommend this piece as pure BMT “art”.
Plot: A brilliant computer loner seizes Las Vegas and its terrorist attack, while fighting against his fits of clinical depression and obsession for romance and death.
Rules
Stock footage (expert rule)
Random human bones or skulls
Eating Tuna
Using laptops
Humble Brag / Aaron Brand (Breen) reminding us what a genius he is.
External exposition.
Blood vials
Quotes
“I’m an American! I’m an American! I love this country!”
“I eat tuna out of the can and live out of my car.”
“Electronic, satellite and computer skills….”
“Don’t ask how I found you. I know everything- more than the government knows.”
“That’s impossible, that can’t be…”
Viewer Quotes
“I’m drinking for the double butts.”
“Grandpa, do you want to be in a movie?”
What We Learned
You can steal a car with a cellphone- if you’re a super genius.
The best place to keep laptops is in the desert
There are Anthrax dealers
EVERYTHING is done electronically.
Neil Breen can cure cancer (or maybe it is the fool’s gold)
You get blood on your face when doing target practice
Final Take
Wow. This was a lot to unpack- and yet practically nothing. If it was possible for someone to rival the filmmaking madness of Tommy Wiseau (The Room), Neil Breen just might be the one. There really isn’t much in the way of a coherent plot- he is blackmailing governments so that he doesn’t unleash a biological attack on Las Vegas, or something. The movie continually goes back to similar scenes to Neil working on his multiple lap tops at a time, and he has a secret force fields, because… Just because.
There are several unrelated scenes and many characters that are only in one scene with no mention of them before or after. I don’t understand it, but then again I don’t understand how to control the stock market, control elections, or shut down power grids for entire city. These things are only understood by super geniuses like Neil Breen.
Bad Movie Thursday 