Author Archive for

21
Jun
19

The North Star

North Star (1996)

Viewing date: 6/20/19

Starring: Christopher Lambert, James Caan

Plot: Set during the Alaskan gold rush of the late 1800s. In his efforts to gain control of a small mining town, Sean McLennon is buying up every mining claim that becomes available, usually after the deaths of the previous owners at the hands of McLennon’s “assistants”. One of the miners targeted by McLennon, a half-Indian hunter named “Hudson Saanteek”, manages to escape his hired thugs, and comes back into town looking to re-establish his claim and get revenge. McLennon and his men have the advantage of numbers and weapons, but Saanteek has his survival skills, and knowledge of the Alaskan wilderness.

Rules

  • “Hudson Saanteek”
  • “Claims”
  • “Yub yub.”
  • “North Star.”

Quotes

  • “Nobody dies ’til I tell them to die.”
  • “If I can save that cave….  I can be honest with myself about who I am!”
  • “I wanted to say goodbye…”  (stabbing)  “So did I.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Escape on a dogsled.  Is that a cinematic first?”

What We Learned

  • You cannot own the land.  You can only respect it.
  • Having a swiss accent is pretty close to an eskimo accent.
  • Jumping out of a dogsled can throw a tracker off the scent- sometimes..

 

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06
Jun
19

Solomon Kane (2009)

Solomon Kane Pic

Date Watched: 6/6/19

Starring: Thee-Eyed Raven, Kobayashi, and dude from Altered Carbon

Plot:

A ruthless mercenary renounces violence after learning his soul is bound for hell. When a young girl is kidnapped and her family slain by a sorcerer’s murderous cult, he is forced to fight and seek his redemption slaying evil. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Every time he’s unstoppable or kills two bad guys at once
  • Say “Solomon Kane”
  • Shows his scarred back

Quotes:

  • “Silence you dogs”
  • “Killing came easily to me”
  • About not fighting anymore… “I may just have changed my mind about that.”
  • “I was born here.  I have no intention of going through the front gates.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “He didn’t know that with their black demon eyes these guys were possessed.  He must have thought it was a Vitamin C deficiency.”
  • “That’s a tough way to wake up from a hangover, being dragged through the mud to your own death.”

Things We Learned:

  • Weird underground tunnels full of demons have already lit torches.

Final Take:

Surprisingly watchable.  This movie comes up continuously in our Netflix searches, but we’ve never been down to watch it, as it looks like a terrible version of Van Helsing.  (Van Helsing is already terrible in itself.)  So, we gave it a shot, and we were pleasantly surprised.  This had decent effects and acting, and we’d give it a positive recommendation.

24
May
19

The Predator

the_predator

Date Watched: 5/23/19

Starring: Thomas Jane, Key and Peele, Theon Greyjoy

Plot: When a young boy accidentally triggers the universe’s most lethal hunters’ return to Earth, only a ragtag crew of ex-soldiers and a disgruntled scientist can prevent the end of the human race.

Rules

  • Use of Predator Tech
  • Autistic kid doing stupid crap
  • Translated predator language
  • Callbacks to the original Predator movie (“Get to the chopper”)

Quotes

  • “How do you circumcise a homeless man?  Kick your mom in the chin.”
  • “If your momma’s vagina was a videogame, it would be rated ‘E’ for everyone.”
  • “What is this?”  –  “It’s a unicorn.  I’m sorry, it’s a piece of shit.”
  • “Good evening.  Um, the brushstrokes on this are dynamic… it’s a wonderful piece.”
  • “That’s my new suit, Bubba.  Hope they got it in a 42 long.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “How would you even know that a thumbs up is good?”  –  “This is where I shut it off.”
  • “When’s he going to poop out the ball and use it to do predator tech?”

Things We Learned

  • Predators collect DNA
  • If you’re autistic, you can hack your way into predator spaceships.
  • Autistic children are the most valuable predator trophy.
  • Some predators want to help humans, others want to kill us.  The good ones also seem to want to kill us, but appreciate a naked female form.

Final Take: A little all over the place.  Kind of a mess, hard to follow.  The loony gang was funny, and most of the action was entertaining, but I’m still not sure what the whole point was.  Don’t think about the plot points too much and you’ll probably enjoy it.

11
Apr
19

Dog Eat Dog (2016)

Dog Eat Dog

Date Watched: 4/11/19

Starring: Willem Dafoe, Sir Nic Cage

Plot:

A crew of ex-cons are hired by a Cleveland mafioso to kidnap the baby of a rival mobster.  (From IMDB.com)

Rules:
Taking drugs
Any crimes or attempted crimes
Anytime they say “Dog”

Quotes:
“We’re never going to collaborate on making really cool original cupcakes ever again!”
“Have you ever been to Nice?” “No, what’s that?”

Viewer Quotes:
“There’s nothing I’d like to see less.” (In regards to seeing a adult performer grind on Nic Cage.)
“Who’s a better actor Nic Cage or Freddie Prinze Jr.?” “What about Cage vs Dolf Lundgren?” “Mario Van Peebles?”

Things We Learned:
Casinos make you have ice cubes in your scotch, to keep you from getting drunk too quickly.
Babynapping doesn’t sound too good.
You can be handcuffed and dragged behind a car and easily get away.

Final Take:
Weird film.  The opening scene with Willem Dafoe is particularly… interesting?  I don’t think that we can recommend this movie, but it’s got some things going for it.  It doesn’t quite get to full on Cage craziness.  They should have just gone for it.  Still, at least it wasn’t boring.

29
Mar
19

Cobra

cobra

Date Watched: 03/28/2019

Starring: Sylvester Stallone

Plot: A tough-on-crime street cop must protect the only surviving witness to a strange murderous cult with far reaching plans.

Rules

  • New scene with matchstick in the mouth
  • Guns with cobra on the handle
  • “Nightslasher”
  • Wearing sunglasses inside.

Quotes

  • “I’m going to blow this place to hell!”  –  “Go ahead, I don’t shop here.”
  • “You’re the disease, and I’m the cure.”
  • “Cobretti, you know you have an attitude problem?”  –  “Yeah, but just a little one.”
  • “I want your eyes, Pig.  I want them.”
  • “The court is civilized, pig.  –  “But I’m not.  This is where the law stops, and I start.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Is he assembling his submachine gun?”
  • “Do people say upstate in California?”  –  “No.”
  • “This is probably where they filmed Terminator.  It’s such a generic setup.”
  • “What’s the motivation for this Night Slasher or the cult?”

Things We Learned

  • Janitors are meant to use the service elevators.  Remember the health code!
  • Cobra sleeps with his finger on the trigger.
  • It’s helpful to cut pizza with scissors.
  • The best way to close a case is to kill all the suspects.

Final Take:

08
Mar
19

Hard Target 2

Image result for hard target 2

Viewing Date: 3/7/19

Starring: Scott Adkins, Temuera Morrison

Plot: Retired mixed martial artist Wes “The Jailor” Baylor (Scott Adkins) can’t refuse a million-dollar purse he’s offered for one final bout in Myanmar. But when he arrives for the fight, he learns he’s been tricked into becoming the target of a human hunt. Carrying only water and a ruby-filled money belt for the last person standing, Wes must outsmart the heavily armed group that has paid to kill him. As he fights for his life in the treacherous jungle terrain, the hunters become the hunted.

Rules

  • Birds (slow motion x 2)
  • Characters drink
  • When ‘the hunter becomes the prey’

 

Quotes

  • “You need me to ring the bell?  Ding ding.”
  • “We came here chasing death.  We shouldn’t be surprised to find it.”
  • “Show me your wound…”

 

Viewer Quotes

  • “Crossbows with a single shot make sense for a vampire, but…”
  • “Is her full name ‘Ta Ta Ti Ti Ta'”?  (apparently something to do with music class back in school).

What We Learned

  • You can roll down a hill far enough, eventually you’ll run into an elephant.
  • You can crush a big scorpion in your hand without getting stung.
  • What a “Boat-Jo” is.
21
Feb
19

Robo Vampire 3 aka The Vampire is Still Alive aka Counter Destroy (1989)

Counter Destroy

Viewing Date: 2/21/19

Starring: No One

Plot: Joyce rents an old haunted home to pen her horror script, which releases an evil army of robot vampires, a knife-wielding demon and a battalion of otherworldly creatures (from IMDB).

Rules:
Something supernatural happens
Vampires
Abrupt scene changes

Quotes:
“Why man kill 2 beautiful girl.”
“I forgot to tell him we are the police.”
“You’re efficiency is extremely low. You’ve got to take some action now.”

Viewer Quotes:
“Why couldn’t they be in the bath together, shaving each other with a can of Barbasal.”
“Those are nice melons.”
“This is probably the most incoherent plot we’ve ever watched on a BMT.”

Things We Learned:
Rotary phones can kill.
The sacred bird can tell your fortune from sealed envelopes.
Vampires hop like rabbits.
The best way to kill someone is jumping over a car and slicing them with a putty knife.

Final Take:

Bad, and not in a good way.  We cannot recommend this movie, as it was a slog to get through.  Too bad.  There was a lot of potential here, but the mishmash of a bunch of other movies doesn’t work.




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