Author Archive for

29
Jun
18

Assassination Games (2011)

assassination games

Date Watched: 6/28/18

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme

Plot: Two assassins agree to work together as one tries to avenge his wife and the other collect a reward for a job.  (From IMDB)

Rules:
-Van Damme putting on/taking off sunglasses
-Flashbacks
-say “Polo”

Quotes:

“He was the best hitman on our payroll.”
“How did you do that? How did you get him to come out?” (In regards to the young woman stroking a turtle to make his head come out like an erection.)
“I sleep fine. I’m a weapon.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Oh yeah, she’s turned on by JCVD.”
“I’m no Eastern European hitman, but I know that I probably wouldn’t f$ck around with those guys or Jean-Claude Van Damme.”

Things We Learned:

-You can use a secret faucet handle in a crappy Romanian apartment to get to an a hidden giant apartment, even though it’s pretty obvious that the smaller apartment doesn’t have a bed and must really be bigger. (Even a young traumatized hooker can figure out a way into this “secret” room in minutes.)
-JCVD likes to utilize a crossbow with poisoned arrows for his hits.
-JCVD gets angry if you interrupt his violin playing when you’re being beaten by your deadbeat boyfriend with a switch.
-Mob bosses in Ukraine actually have hearts of gold.
-When someone says that they’re Santa Claus, you should cut their ear off with a box cutter.

Final Take:

3 stars. Better than average. Nothing special, but it wasn’t boring and it kept things moving. Plus, JCVD with a crossbow and a samurai sword is a nice touch.

 

Advertisements
15
Jun
18

The Babysitter

Image result for the babysitter netflix

Viewing Date: 6/14/18

Plot: Cole (Judah Lewis) loves his babysitter (Samara Weaving) Bee. She’s hot, funny, and popular. One night, in a moment of defiance, Cole secretly stays up past his bedtime to discover she’s actually a cold-blooded killer who’s in league with the Devil. He now must spend his night evading Bee’s band of killers who will stop at nothing to prevent Cole from spilling their dark secret. It’s up to Cole to survive the night (and blow up a few people along the way).

Starring: Judah Lewis, Samara Weaving, directed by McG

Rules:

  • Cole gets scared
  • Remote control cars

Quotes:

  • “My dad let’s me drink Mike’s all the time.”  “That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard.”
  • “Oh my God.  I got Sacrifice Samuel all over me.”
  • “Look at him.  He’s still cutting the rope.”
  • “What kind of dick shoots a girl in the boob?!”
  • “Did you just blow up Sonja?”  “No.”  “I’m not mad, just a little surprised.”
  • “What happened?!”  “I don’t need a babysitter anymore.”

What We Learned

  • If you still need a babysitter at 13, you probably deserve something to go horribly wrong.
  • Sacrifice Samuel should have known better.
  • Knowing police walkie-talkie codes will get rid of all police suspicion, even when a reported homicide is involved.
  • What we didn’t learn: Why did Max go shirtless practically the entire movie?
  • When all else fails, steal a car and drive it into a house.

Final Take

This was way better than it had any right to be- great Thursday night movie with the right mix of gore, absurdity, and humor.  I think McG has found his wheelhouse: horror-comedy with low expectations.

25
May
18

Freaks of Nature

FreaksOfNature

Date Watched: 05/24/2018

Starring: Keegan Michael Key, Denis Leary, Patton Oswalt, Bob Odenkirk

Plot: In the town of Dillford, humans, vampires and zombies were all living in peace – until the alien apocalypse arrived. Now three teenagers – one human, one vampire, and one zombie – have to team up to figure out how to get rid of the visitors.

Rules

  • Riblets
  • Zombie/Vampire tropes
  • “Dillford”
  • “Brains”
  • Alien Spaceship

Quotes

  • “Not everything in your life is under your control.  Sometimes you vink at them and they don’t vink back.”
  • “Come on, man, for the love of shit!”
  • “I would love to chain all of them to their lockers, in a manner that would make sure they would not escape.  Then just roll sticks of dynamite, like old fashioned dynamite, down the hall and blow up the school.  And then I’d spare a couple of faculty, not this mother-fucker… I should fucking eat you!”
  • “Call me swiss cheese ’cause I’m holy”
  • “I know you’re thinking about killing yourself, and I don’t blame you.  Just wait to see if you get better.  If you don’t get better, go for it.”
  • “Leading cause of puff tongue.”
  • “Insurance is for suckers.”
  • “Thank you for being so understanding, but in this case, you’re not understanding correctly.”
  • “He just put some intestines back, and took different intestines.  What the fuck does it matter?”
  • “The Dillford Shitter…It’s him!”
  • “We have to have family yoga on Saturdays.  A lot of families do that.”
  • “FYI, my dick’s bigger than yours.”
  • “I thought you shit yourself at your piano recital.”  –  “It was a bag week.”
  • “Why does he think he has the brains?  He doesn’t even seem to have any language skills.”
  • “Give him the high cheese, Daggy!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This is a vastly different movie from the first half”

Things We Learned

  • Kids don’t go in the teachers’ lounge.
  • Zombies get smarter when deprived of brains.
  • Ned has a huge hog.
  • Vampires can put protect themselves with sunscreen.
  • Aliens can’t see you if you’re naked.
  • Organic cotton is no different from skin.
  • Zombies disguise themselves as doctors.

Final Take: This movie was not bad.  The beginning was great, the middle was pretty boring, but the end did a good job of taking it home.  Worth a watch.

10
May
18

Vengeance: A Love Story (2017)

Vengeance

Date Watched: 5/10/18

Plot: A gulf war veteran seeks vengeance against those who assaulted a single mother.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Nic Cage, Don Johnson

Rules:
-Gorgeous ladies all over Nic Cage
-Nic Cage throwing or beating people up
-Every time Don Johnson is silver tongued
-Nic Cage at the falls

Quotes:

“His cousin’s a plumber, always buying his wife that expensive jewelry and sh%t.”
From the priest, “A gang rape in the city park, that’s bad for business.”
“Raising two kids is the same as raising one, that’s why a woman’s got two t&ts.”

Viewer Quotes:
“Enough of this. Nic Cage needs to start killing people.”
“Is there going to be like 5 min of Nic Cage exacting justice?”

Things we Learned:
15 people can drink 5 kegs.
At 54, Nic Cage is still holding out for a daughter.

Final Take:

This should have been much better.  It had all of the ingredients for success, including of course a fired up Nic Cage, and Don Johnson as a slimy antihero.  The movie squandered all of that promise by limiting the Nic Cage rage time and amping up  the unnecessarily graphic rape scene.  Also, the entire town and judicial system turning against this poor mom was a big turnoff.  There are other much better Cage movies out there that are more deserving of your time.

27
Apr
18

Tremors 5: Bloodlines

Tremors 5 - Bloodlines [DVD]

Viewing Date: 4/26/18

Starring: Michael Gross, Jamie Kennedy

Plot:  The stakes are raised for survivalist, Burt Gummer (Michael Gross) in his most dangerous monster hunt yet. When Gummer’s hired to capture a deadly Ass-blaster terrorizing South Africa, he and his new sidekick Travis Welker (Jamie Kennedy) engage in a battle of survival against the fiercely aggressive Ass-blasters and Graboids. Discovering the monsters have evolved into even more lethal creatures, their killer mission takes on a whole new level of unseen terror–far more than they bargained for (via IMDB).

Rules

  • Say “Grabboids”, “Ass Blasters”, “Shriekers”
  • Remember the house rules- creature vision, mustaches, stock footage, dismemberments- and you’ll be fine.

Quotes

“If you have ass blasters, you have graboids.”

“You’re just another pimple here on the ass of progress.”

(Drinking urine) “Definitely an acquired taste.”

“This is a bag of dicks.” (assessment of a bad situation)

Viewer Quotes

“Man he looks old.”  “Which one?”  “Well, both of them, but Jamie Kennedy looks terrible.”

“I never thought I’d say this, but Michael Gross greatly outshines Jamie Kennedy.”

“Father son?  How did we not see this coming?”

“When he made Son of Mask, do you think he knew he would be Son of Tremors?”

13
Apr
18

Assassin’s Creed

AssassinsCreed.jpg

Date Watched: 4/12/18

Starring: Michael Fassbender, lots of “others”.

Plot: Have you played the game?  It’s the game.

Rules

  • Time Travel
  • “Assassin” or “the Creed”
  • Talk about or show the Apple of Eden
  • Assassinating people (with the hidden blade = 2x)
  • Present time Fassbender mirroring past Fassbender.
  • Jeremy Irons standing pensively in the window.

Quotes

  • “Violence is what kept me alive.”  –  “Well, technically you’re dead.”
  • “When I die today, don’t waste your tears.”
  • “He’s synchronizing…”
  • “I can’t feel my legs.”  –  “The paralysis is temporary.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “There’s nothing quotable in this movie.”
  • “He’s so awesome he broke the machine.”  –  “He got an achievement.”
  • “That guy went for the claw hand?”  –  “That’s what I would go for.”
  • “I don’t understand, at all.  Was this attempting to set up a sequel?”

Things We Learned

  • The Animus must fling your body forward to synchronize your memories.
  • Assassin’s and Templars have been at war for centuries.

 

22
Mar
18

Killing Season (2013)

killing season

Date Watched: 3/22/18

Plot:  Two veterans of the Bosnian War, one American, one Serbian, find their unlikely friendship tested when one of them reveals their true intentions.  (From IMDB)

Starring: John Travolta and Robert Deniro

Rules:
See or say “Scorpions”
Terrible Eastern European Accent
Shooting things with a bow
Idioms
Johnny Cash is playing
One person tortures another

Quotes:
“I worked with fiberglass in factory.”
“You’re a weird duck.”
“What is this, kicker?”
“What if I like pain?”… “This might be your lucky day.”

Viewer Quotes:

“God, that is a bad accent”
“Is he still a Scientologist?”
“I bet I could do a better Bosnian accent than this.”

Things we learned:
You can torture someone with salty lemonade.

Final Thought:

Eh.