Archive for April, 2015

24
Apr
15

Bring Me The Head Of The Machine Gun Woman

MachineGunHead

Date Watched: 4/23/15

Starring: ??????

Plot: Timid, video game-loving DJ Santiago seemingly digs his own grave when he agrees to bring a violent criminal kingpin the head of Machine Gun Woman.

Rules

  • Gratuitous ridiculousness (Sex or violence)
  • Stupid 70’s music
  • Decapitations
  • “Machine Gun Woman”
  • Showing a person’s bounty
  • Grand Theft Auto stuff

Quotes

  • “This little bag of farts says he’ll bring in the most blood-thirsty woman in the continent?”
  • “Fucking straws all clogged up.  To enjoy it you’ve gotta suck hard, and I don’t like sucking.”
  • “Pretty boy like you.  Your balls could get cut off, you know.  Do you want that?”
  • “What did this mare do to piss you off so much?”
  • “Please don’t kill me… I’m a good boy.”
  • “I could go away with you and your mom, but you’ll have to get used to my habits, and my temper.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He’s literally wearing a Michael Jackson Thriller jacket.  That’s amazing.  And this guy’s wearing a Tom Brady jersey half shirt.”
  • “I can’t take the name Chase Sausage seriously.”

Things We Learned

  • In Chile, they bury 10 feet under.
  • You need a license to buy a gun in Chile
  • Sexy Chilean killers have C-section scars
  • Taking a bullet out will magically cure someone of their wound

Final Take

First of all, watch this movie dubbed.  Brings the ridiculous factor up about 12 points.  I’m pretty sure everyone I know is qualified to do some english-dubbed voice acting, and I’m determined to add that to my resume somehow.  All in all this was a decent watch.  It was entertaining, and it was over before you really had a chance to start getting bored of it.  There was some gratuitous violence and some nudity, it went out of its way to parody Grand Theft Auto on many occasions, and it was done in Grindhouse style.  All that said, it was definitely less than the sum of those parts.  I’d probably give it solid C+/B-.

17
Apr
15

I, Frankenstein (2014)

I, Frank

Viewing Date: 4/16/15

Plot: Frankenstein’s creature finds himself caught in an all-out, centuries old war between two immortal clans.  (From IMDB)

Starring:  Aaron Eckhart, Bill Nighy, and Jai Courtney

Rules:

Say “Adam”

Every time you can tell the movie is ripping off other movies: i.e. Resident Evil, Underworld, Van Helsing, The Matrix, Blade, etc., etc., etc.

Speaking in demon voices or showing red demon eyes

Quotes:

-To Frankenstein’s Monster:  “We shall call you Adam.”

“I know of no other way.  I am not human… or demon… or gargoyle.”

“Now bring me Frankenstein’s Monster!”

“Descend in pain, demon.”

“I think your boss is a demon prince.”

“I’ve never had to thank a human for anything before.”

“You go talk to the Gargoyle Queen, I’ll meet you back here in an hour.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Watching Bill Nye just reminds me of Love Actually.”

“Who are supposed to be the good guys again?”

“There is a lot going on in the movie, but I don’t care about any of it.”

“Do you think he has a stitched together penis?”

“Demons are stupid looking.  I feel like I’m watching an episode of Grimm.”

Things we learned:

-Demons eyes glow red at night clubs.

-Frankenstein’s Monster prefers stupid looking walking sticks as his weapon of choice.

-There has been a century’s long war taking place between demons and gargoyles.

-Working for demon’s doesn’t pay very much, even if you’re an expert in electromagnetics, as evidenced by the complete sh$thole apartment that the main scientist lives in.

-The Gargoyle Queen has a sacred duty to destroy Frankenstein’s Monster.

-Reanimating corpses have a status bar that lights up on their chests to be able to tell their progress.

Final Take:

For a movie with a lot going on, not much is actually going on.  There was little to no character development.  Maybe there is a longer cut of the movie out there where the story is comprised of more than just cardboard cutouts?  (Not that I care or would want to watch it.)  It’s really just a cheap copy of other infinitely better (Matrix) or slightly better (Van Helsing) movies.  It’s fine for watching for free on Netflix, but god help those poor souls that actually paid money in the theaters to watch this dreck.

10
Apr
15

Blood Glacier

91K55HARsrL._SL1500_

Viewing Date: 4/9/2015

Plot: Scientists working in the Austrian Alps discover that a glacier is leaking a liquid that appears to be affecting local wildlife (imdb)

Starring: Some Austrians / Germans (we’re not sure)

Rules

  • Say “Janek”
  • Say “fox”
  • We see the blood glacier
  • We see new monstrosities

Quotes

“The fox is here.  Be careful.  It’s face, it looks like a beetle!”

“It’s just a vegetative reflex.  It’s dead.”

“STOP EATING THAT BANANA WHILE YOU’RE CRYING!”

“Birds of Prey attacking people is just an old legend.”

“One less person to drive, eat, breathe and fart holes into the climate.”

Viewer Quotes

“Maybe it’s Hitler’s granddaughter.  They don’t know.”

“All of these characters are terrible- outside of Janek.”  “Janek isn’t that great either.”

What We Learned

  • Foxes are nature’s greatest omnivores
  • The cast of characters cares more for a random girl who was running on a desolate mountaintop with no supplies, or friends, than for one of their dead colleagues.
  • Blood glaciers come and go as they please.
  • Don’t trust your co-workers in life or death situations.
  • Don’t cry when you’re eating a banana.
  • Warning of rabid foxes should be taken very seriously.

Final Take

We watched this mainly on the strong reviews endorsing this movie as possibly the more poorly dubbed movie of all time.  It was bad- that’s for sure, but I think we’ve seen worse with some of the Japanese bad movies that we’ve watched.  Overall this was pretty boring and completely forgettable.

03
Apr
15

WolfCop

WolfCop

Date Watched: 4/2/15

Starring: Leo Fafard

Plot: As a series of strange and violent events start happening, an alcoholic policeman realizes that he has been turned into a werewolf as part of a larger plan, so he investigates with the help of his partner and his friend.

Rules

  • Turning into a wolf
  • Wolf puns
  • Every time Lou drinks
  • Werewolf cliches (Full Moon, silver bullet, etc.)
  • Woodhaven breaking news clips

Quotes

  • “In the wake of this tragedy, the drink and shoot is going to have to be canceled.”
  • “Two dead men in a bathroom?  If not for the excess of severed flesh I’d say lover’s quarrel.”
  • “Street name: see you in a fuckin’ week.”  –  “Jesus, Willie, that’s enough to drop a hippo.”
  • “Lou, you’re a wolf!.”  –  “Cop.”
  • “Lou, don’t forget to murder somebody else on the way to the car.  Low profile.”
  • “I know what you’re thinking, and I approve.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “For a second I thought that was Cory Feldman.”  –  “That would have been sweet.”
  • “Can’t get more Canadian than that…chewing and spitting into a metal cup while walking your dog in the snow.”  –  “And going down to Tim Horton’s to get a donut before heading to the rink.”
  • “Wouldn’t his uniform be all torn up?”
  • “What kind of a weird, sick bitch would be into that?”

What We Learned

  • Werewolves pee blood as they transform, copiously.
  • Werewolves’ clothes get repaired the same as their bodies after transforming back.
  • Werewolves like bourbon and donuts and playing Go Fish.
  • Werewolves can have intimate sex scenes
  • Changelings are good at fighting.

Final Take: