Archive for February, 2015

27
Feb
15

The Last Starfighter

last_starfighter

Date Watched: 2/26/15

Starring: Lance Guest, Robert Preston

Plot: A video-gaming boy, seemingly doomed to stay at his trailer park home all his life, finds himself recruited as a gunner for an alien defense force.  Every video gaming boy’s secret hope.

Rules

  • “Starfighter”
  • Iconic 80’s images
  • “Ko-Dan”
  • Centauri speaks in the third person.
  • That thing closing over the alien’s eye

Quotes

  • “Shifting into star drive at Columba Zeta.  Hold tight.”
  • “Not even your mighty starfighters will be able to save you.”
  • “What if the Wright brothers thought that only birds should fly?  And did Galoka think that the Utils were too ugly to save?”
  • “An exact duplicate of you only not as loud.”
  • “Where’d it go?”  –  “It’s still there.  Suspended in the Xenon mist.  It’s only visible when you look dead ahead.”
  • “Terrific.  I’m about to get killed a million miles from nowhere with a gung ho iguana.”
  • “I’ve locked it’s beamer frequency so it can’t report back to the armada.”
  • “A mobile cave that never went anywhere?  Fascinating.”
  • “We’re locked into the moon’s gravitational pull.  What do we do?”  –  “We die.”
  • “Alex, what is all this?”  –  “I’ve been to another planet, Ma.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “You think all these old people give a shit about this video game?”
  • “This is the best thing you can hope for your son, that something like this will happen in his lifetime.”
  • “Now he just needs to drill this chick, then come out and get high fives from everyone.”
  • “In typical 80’s fashion, the one hot chick has no boobs.”
  • “Wow, that looks terrible.  Is this still the video game graphics we’re watching?  I think the original playstation has better graphics than this.”
  • “Is that Will Ferrell?”
  • “Wouldn’t you have wanted to move the base, knowing that there’s someone that wants to kill you all and knows exactly where the base is?”
  • “You can’t stay on Rylos with Centauri and Grigg.”
  • “So anybody could have been a Starfighter.  It took no skill.”

What We Learned

  • People are all white balding men on Rylos.  Even the women.
  • All aliens are humanoid, with arms, legs and heads.  But of course Star Trek taught us that.
  • Earth isn’t at war with anyone except themselves.
  • Don’t bother learning to be a good starfighter.  It all comes down to the death blossom in the end.
  • Aliens don’t die.
  • Betas make terrible stand-ins.  At the first sign of trouble they’ll fold and admit they’re a beta.

Final Take:  Nothing like a little nostalgia.  This movie is supposed to be a grand epic, but it’s really pretty simple.  It’s fun if you have fond memories of it from watching it as a child like I do, but it’s definitely not an instant classic.  I don’t think any of those actors went on to anything else after that movie, so that might tell you something.  It’s fine. You’ll like it.  Just don’t expect to remember it a week from now.

26
Feb
15

Division III: Football’s Finest (2011)

Division III

Date Watched:  2/19/15

Starring:  Andy Dick

Plot: This ensemble comedy follows the Pullham University Bluecocks, a small liberal arts college with a Division III football program (the lowest division in the NCAA). When the head coach unexpectedly dies, the future of the flailing football program is in jeopardy, as they have not had a winning season in decades. In a desperate attempt to create some media attention for the athletic program and the university, President Georgia Anne Whistler hires known lunatic and felon, Coach Rick Vice, for what could be the football programs final season. Vice, an overly aggressive redneck racist, quickly becomes the team’s and athletic director’s worst nightmare. Vice especially butts heads with Mitch DePrima, a reluctant quarterback who was drawn to the college thinking he would play ball as a big fish in a small pond, only to find himself riding the bench in his final year. Navigating between an insane coach, meat-head teammates, his male cheerleader roommate and the sexy new sports trainer, Mitch struggles to find himself. But Vices particular brand of unorthodox coaching, may just be the spark that Mitch and the entire team need to turn the program around and become winners!  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Rick Vice”
  • Double Entendre’s
  • Cameos
  • Shooting guns
  • Coach abuses his players
  • Coach says “Get Some”
  • Not lighting a cigarette
  • Bike throwing

Quotes:

  • “It’s like black history month all the time.”
  • “I was abused sexually and otherwise.”
  • “If you don’t pick up the pace, I’m going to rip off your little peckers and shove them up your mother’s hot pockets, little f$ck and f$cks.”
  • “This world is run by greedy self-serving morons.”
  • “Why don’t you step up into the gauntlet you bitch nuts.”
  • “I don’t care if you like slits or dicks, the best player is playing.”
  • To the hot girl – “You got any raisins? How about a date?”
  • “What the f$ck are you doing out there? Having a little sewing circle?”
  • “You’ll be all be up to your poop shoots and blood and guts in Iran soon anyway.”
  • “You’re whining more than Mike Vick’s puppy.”
  • “I’ve heard of Sigmund Freud, cause he’s the one that f$cked his mother.”
  • “Hello Roy, how long you been sitting there eyeballing and assf$cking me?”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Wow, this whole movie is like one big awesome quote.”
  • “Are all the college players in this in their 30’s?”
  • “Is he drinking from a coffee mug with Hitler on it that says “Fail!”?”

Things we learned:

  • Andy Dick is an amazing filmmaker.
  • You can snort protein powder like cocaine.

Final Take:  This was a great flick filled with many awesome lines from AD.  We had a great time watching it, and we would definitely recommend Division III to others.  If you are easily offended then this is not the movie for you, but then again Bad Movie Thursday probably isn’t either.

13
Feb
15

Mantera

Mantera

Date Watched: 2/12/2015

Starring: Absolutely nobody

Plot: A 16 year old boy somehow ends up with a motorcycle that grants him the power to transform into an anime suited superhero.  After a couple of days of training he becomes an unstoppable force.  Will he lose to the dark legion, or will he overcome all odds and win the day?  He wins.

Rules

  • “Mantera” (House rule, but a good reminder)
  • Bad videogame CGI action sequences
  • Closeups of somebody’s eye(s)
  • Changing into Mantera

Quotes

  • “Colonel, why am I being held here.  I am a scientist.  I demand to know.  Who are you people and why am I being held captive?”  <with awkward pauses>
  • “The origin of mantera is the dawn of civilization.”
  • “Would you be interested in working with us, hand in hand, for the betterment of mankind, and the safety of this earth.”  – “I wouldn’t miss it … for the world.”
  • “He’s probably having fun with that sexy lady.”
  • “They must have employed vega from the megazoid division.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “That guy looks like Ron Jeremy with really long hair.”
  • “This CGI is straight out of the late 90’s.”
  • “They’re all going to the factory to make Adidas shoes.”
  • “I want a ‘Jumping Kids 1951’ shirt!”
  • “Does anyone on this bus want to be in a movie?” <how the movie was cast>
  • “Is his name Ass Man?”
  • “Did they just go through a star gate?”
  • “Dr. Claw is at it again.”

What We Learned

  • Mantera actions happen in cartoon world
  • Russians are given accents when dubbed over in foreign films.  Indonesians are not.
  • Beating a kid up with a bat is considered bullying in other parts of the world.  It is not that big of a deal apparently.
  • Being a computer programmer makes you pretty good at operating a robotic exosuit.
  • It only takes a couple days and a passable montage to learn martial arts.

Final Take: This is a foreign movie with ridiculous dubbed dialog that makes no sense,  The plot was hard to follow, the CGI action was worse than most video games made in the past 10 years, and the dialog probably sounded better in its native tongue.  Despite (because of?) all of that, it was fun to watch.  I hope they make a sequel.

06
Feb
15

The Wraith (1986)

wraith

Viewing Date: Feb 2, 2015

Plot: Jamie, killed by neighborhood thugs, returns as a mystical figure named Jake (The Wraith) to gain revenge.

Starring: Charlie Sheen, Randy Quaid, Clint Howard, Nick Cassavettes, Sherilyn Fenn

Rules

  • Every time you see Clint Howard
  • Packard gets jealous
  • Awesome 80’s jams
  • Switchblade is pulled
  • Someone from Pack’s crew dies
  • Lights / lightning turning into a car, or vice versa
  • The arm braces / leg braces disappear

Quotes

“Loser!  I’m a secret Loser!”  (Ozzy)

“We’ll mind the cockstacker.”

“Do it to him Augie Style!”

“Who was that guy?”  “I don’t know, but he was weird and pissed off.”

“We know our constipational rights!”

“Roadblocks can’t stop what can’t be stopped.”

Viewer Quotes

“Its Toonces!”

“That’s why I drove my ’77 Volkswagen Rabbit in High School- so I didn’t have to race for pink slips”

“He’s got to go kill Carpet Head.”

What We Learned

  • You don’t need to reload wraith guns
  • Even bad guys have good safety habits
  • You can get high off of hydraulic fluid and WD-40
  • The Dodge Turbo Interceptor is sweet
  • Sherilyn Fenn used to be really hot