Archive for the 'Mutants' Category

03
Feb
22

Yor:  The Hunter from the Future (1983)

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Categories: Aliens, Amazon women, Bad CGI, Bad Movies, Foreign, God Awful, Knock-Offs, Mutants, Postapocalyptic and Rules
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Date watched: 2/3/22

Starring: Reb Brown (nominated for a Razzie for this role)

Plot: A warrior seeks his true origins in a seemingly prehistoric wasteland. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Theme song being played
  • Dinosaurs
  • Say “Yor”
  • Old man shoots his arrow
  • Rocks that look like penises

Quotes:

  • “Yor’s different than other guys.”
  • “DAMN talking box!”

Viewer Quotes:                                   

  • “Is he from the future even though he looks like He-Man?”
  • “Is that a Triceratops crossed with a Stegosaurus… a Tristegatops?”
  • “There’s no monogamy in cave man days.”
  • “They should reboot this franchise.”  “No!”

Things we learned:

  • The best way to kill a Tristegatops is with an axe.
  • It’s hard to hide a boner wearing a loin cloth.  Wait, we already knew that from years ago.
  • Bad guys in the olden days wore purple paint on their faces.
  • Yor is good at being captured.
  • A generous man does what his heart commands.

Final Take:

This movie really had it all. It’s hard to believe that the movie at the end was the same movie that we started with. For most of the run time, we had no idea where the “Hunter from the Future” tagline came from. Then all of the sudden the Darth Vader clones showed up. (Actually, they kind of look more like Dark Helmet.) According to IMDB, this was originally an Italian miniseries that ran 200 minutes and was split into four parts. Now, condensed into one 90 minute movie, it operates as somewhat of a weird fever dream. If it were rated “R” and just went all out with the gore and craziness it would be a lot better. As it stands, it’s just kind of weird and tame.

29
Jul
16

Bad Milo!

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Categories: Gory, Mutants and Puppets

BadMilo

Date Watched: 7/28/2016

Starring:  Ken Marino, Gillian Jacobs, Patrick Warburton, and lots of cameos

Plot: A man learns that his unusual stomach pains are being caused by a demon living in his intestines.

Rules

  • References to poop/butt
  • Whenever Allistair speaks
  • Poop demon pops out of butt
  • Don’t forget the house rule – creature-vision.
  • Every time he fires people.
  • “Racoon attack”

Quotes

  • “You got a thing in your butt… you got a trooper in your pooper.”
  • “Witch Doctor!” – parrot
  • “I’m here to help people.”  –  “Well, thanks for coming.”
  • “Are you two planning on having a baby?”  –  “Not the way we do it.”
  • “Be safe in there, don’t rip anything.”
  • “Wow…how’s your ass?”
  • “There’s an ancient myth surrounding the anus.”
  • “My mentor always told me…stop carrying the horse on your shoulders.  Put him between your legs and ride him!”
  • “Big fat babies come out of tiny vaginas.  Maybe your anus is like a vagina.”
  • “Is that poop on your shirt?”
  • “If you want to survive, you got to take a dump on your enemies, or else you eat a shit sandwich.”
  • “Kill it with fire.  Put the fire in the face.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Just another night at our house.”

Things We Learned

  • You can go from being an accountant to an HR manager in charge of firing people.
  • You can fix your inner demons by bonding with them.
  • Repressed anger can live in your ass.

Final Take:

22
Apr
16

Nightbreed (Director’s Cut)

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Categories: Cult Classic and Mutants

nightbreed

Plot: A troubled young man is drawn to a mythical place called Midian where a community of mutant outcasts attempt to escape the attention of a psychotic serial killer and redneck vigilantes. Based on the novel “Cabal” by Clive Barker. (via IMDB)

Starring: Craig Sheffer

Rules

  • “Dr. P. Decker” nameplate is shown
  • Button Eyes kills someone
  • Any scene that goes on way too long
  • “Midian”

Quotes

  • “You are a freak and a cannibal and you’ve come to the wrong town.”
  • “No pulse, the man is dead!”
  • “Not lying down dead, my friend.  Walking around in my fuckin’ cell dead.”
  • “Looks like the millenium just ended.”

 

Viewer Quotes

  • “Did she say ‘I want a gay man?'”
  • “I’m disappointed he doesn’t have a moon penis.”
  • “That’s not too bad…better than being a turkey being of some kind.”
  • “Why are there stupid sink holes everywhere?”
  • “That guy…the priest-slash-faggot.”

What We Learned

  • If you’re natural, you’re meat for a beast.
  • Night Breed are not good at fighting back and probably should just hide from now on.
10
Apr
15

Blood Glacier

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Categories: Foreign and Mutants

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Viewing Date: 4/9/2015

Plot: Scientists working in the Austrian Alps discover that a glacier is leaking a liquid that appears to be affecting local wildlife (imdb)

Starring: Some Austrians / Germans (we’re not sure)

Rules

  • Say “Janek”
  • Say “fox”
  • We see the blood glacier
  • We see new monstrosities

Quotes

“The fox is here.  Be careful.  It’s face, it looks like a beetle!”

“It’s just a vegetative reflex.  It’s dead.”

“STOP EATING THAT BANANA WHILE YOU’RE CRYING!”

“Birds of Prey attacking people is just an old legend.”

“One less person to drive, eat, breathe and fart holes into the climate.”

Viewer Quotes

“Maybe it’s Hitler’s granddaughter.  They don’t know.”

“All of these characters are terrible- outside of Janek.”  “Janek isn’t that great either.”

What We Learned

  • Foxes are nature’s greatest omnivores
  • The cast of characters cares more for a random girl who was running on a desolate mountaintop with no supplies, or friends, than for one of their dead colleagues.
  • Blood glaciers come and go as they please.
  • Don’t trust your co-workers in life or death situations.
  • Don’t cry when you’re eating a banana.
  • Warning of rabid foxes should be taken very seriously.

Final Take

We watched this mainly on the strong reviews endorsing this movie as possibly the more poorly dubbed movie of all time.  It was bad- that’s for sure, but I think we’ve seen worse with some of the Japanese bad movies that we’ve watched.  Overall this was pretty boring and completely forgettable.

15
Nov
13

John Dies At The End

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Categories: Mutants and Time Travel

Image

Date Watched: 11/14/13

Starring; John, Paul Giamatti

Plot: 

A new street drug that sends its users across time and dimensions has one drawback: some people return as no longer human. Can two college dropouts save humankind from this silent, otherworldly invasion?

Rules

  • Something transforms
  • “Marconi”
  • Time travel crap
  • Gets a call from John
  • “Soy Sauce”

Quotes

  • <Door handle turns into a penis> “That door cannot be opened!”
  • “You’ve got my attention, Mr. Wong.”
  • “My hat smells like lubricant!  Camel…Holocaust.” <song>
  • “My uncle lost his foot in his riding mower, says he could still feel it.  What’s that called?  Fantasy leg situation, something like that?”
  • “You’ve obviously been blessed with supernatural gifts, and what better way to use them than to fish for free beer at high school parties?”
  • “Are you familiar with the saying I want to shoot you so bad my dick’s hard?”
  • “When you hear a song on the radio, where is the song?”
  • “Are we going to the mall, or coming back from it?” –  “Going to” –  “That’s right, cause Fred’s still alive.” –  “What?!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He’s got a turkey head!”  “This is pretty awesome!”
  • “If a mustache is a drink, this is the most ridiculous drink ever!”

What We Learned

  • People with supernatural powers use them to fish for free beer at high school parties.
  • Hell creatures can only be seen out of the corner of your eye or when you’re drunk or stoned.

Final Take

Weird.  Pretty damn weird.  But I really liked it.  It was enjoyable from beginning to end.  The main characters did a good job and were pretty likable.  Don’t expect a lot of it to make sense, and don’t expect to like it enough to watch it again until it does.  I may watch it again some time, though.  That is rarely the case, and that says a lot.

10
Nov
12

The Incredible Hulk Returns

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Categories: Bad Movies, Historical Fiction, Mutants and Spin-off or sequel
Tags: , ,

Starring: Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno

Plot: 

It’s been two years since the Hulk has surfaced, and Dr David Bruce Banner is on the verge of curing himself of the Hulk. A device he helped create, the Gamma Transponder, will rid him of his own Gamma radiation, among other uses. Enter Don Blake, a former colleague of Banner’s, who is now in possession of a mystic hammer which can summon Thor, an ancient Viking warrior. When the Gamma Transponder is nearly stolen and Banner’s girlfriend is kidnapped, Banner must abandon the hope of being cured and rely on the Hulk and Thor to save the day.

Rules: 

  • Hulk Transforms
  • Hulk Flexes
  • Hulk goes through walls
  • Hulk picks up something abnormally heavy
  • Thor is summoned
  • Thor says “Oden’s Beard!”

Quotes: 

  • “Be Safe love.”   “Yeeeessssss”
  • “This is the 80’s.  I don’t know what a good cause is anymore.”
  • “When men and women ate life with shining teeth.”
  • “You look like a rat-tailed saxon to me.”
  • “You two attack the front while I engage these weasels from the rear.”

The Final Word

This was a backfill.  We originally watched this movie a few years ago and recorded it in the original Lip Log.  I don’t remember anything of this movie, if that tells you something.  Hulk gets angry, transforms, and for some reason moves in slow motion anytime he is the hulk.  I don’t even remember what Thor does.  Probably smashes things with a hammer.  View this movie at your own risk.

02
Nov
12

Albino Farm

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Gory, Hillbillies and Mutants

Viewing Date: 11/01/2012

Starring: Chris Jericho, Pig-faced girl, Tongue-O, Bat-faced Midget, Mute-boy.

Plot:

Four college students head to the Ozarks to do a project on rural culture / myths.  After ignoring multiple warnings and huge red flags (including a midget scraping roadkill, an old lady breast-feeding and the diner server having a pig hand), the kids decide to investigate the Albino Farm.  Bad idea.  The mutants are angry at the kids for trespassing, or maybe for their normal-looking faces and much killing ensues.

Rules:

  • Redneck cliches
  • “Albino”
  • Mutants
  • When you see Tongue-O’s tongue.

Quotes:

“No burgers for us.  We’ll have two cantaloupes.”

“Oh shit-farm Missy Lou!  You looking good!!”

“It’s some kind of graveyard of tree shit!”

Viewer Quotes:

“One of my biggest fears is a huge albino Chris Jericho.”

“Is that old lady breast feeding?!”

“Have we actually seen any albinos?”

“Pig girl is always one step ahead.”

What We Learned:

Play along when being held captive by mutant pig-faced girl who wants to mate with you– the alternative is worse.

There are no albinos at the albino farm– correction, there might be one.

No two mutants are alike.  Some might be mute, some might be missing a lower jaw, some might have fish-lips.  It’s basically a police line-up from a Dick Tracy comic.

The Final Word:

It’s a by-the-book teens come across a mutant community who want to kill them for some reason.  You’ve got the asshole, the slut, the exchange student and the nice girl.  Guess who lives?  Only a few kills happen and it is completely middle of the road.  The redeeming part of the movie is the mutant side show and you get what you paid for.  We’re still not sure why Chris Jericho was in this movie.

March 2023
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