Archive for April, 2017

27
Apr
17

The Perfect Weapon (2016)

Perfect Weapon

Date Watched: 4/27/2017

Starring: Steven Seagal and the bad guy from “Kindergarten Cop”

Plot: In the not so distant future, society is controlled by the powerful State and a dictator known as the Director. Condor works as a hitman for the State, but a reunion with someone he thought was dead forces him to consider who his enemies really are.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Seagal wearing stupid sunglasses
  • Seagal taking off stupid sunglasses (2 drinks)
  • Someone says “the State”
  • Killing people with a single blow

Quotes:

  • “They watch us through those things!”  (Said as he shoots the TV.)
  • “There he is, the legenadry Condor.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “I can’t tell who’s fighting who.”
  • “It’s a good thing that woman just casually walked into the men’s bathroom.”
  • “Once you make a man’s head explode, there’s no going back.”
  • “I’m not sure what happened, but it seemed pretty stupid.”

Things We Learned:

  • Strip clubs in the future have hula hoops and shiny things.
  • The Bad Movie Thursday gang would rather go to dinner with Seagal over Van Damme, and Gary Busey over Seagal.
  • Cardboard boxes offer great protection against bullets.
  • Handsprings make you invulnerable to gunfire.
  • When you’re on the run, your own home isn’t the best place to hide.

Final Take:  Pretty forgettable, but the production value was decent, and it wasn’t boring.  You could do a lot worse than this.  I would say that hearing the word “Condor” over and over again made us wish that we were watching “Condorman” instead.

14
Apr
17

Hard Ticket To Hawaii

HardTicketToHawaii

Date Watched: 4/13/2017

Starring: Boobs Mcgee, “Long” Ron Dangle

Plot: In Molokai, two undercover drug enforcement agents are after a vicious drug kingpin, but on the way, they will also have to deal with a contaminated giant python.

Rules

  • Seeing the disgusting snake
  • Aviator shades
  • Boobs
  • “The Agency”
  • Flute music

Quotes

  • (Staring at a woman’s chest) “I’ll have a pair of coffee.”
  • “If brains were bird shit, you’d have a clean cage.”
  • “I’m going to give you the best seat in the house.”  – “Where is that?” – “Right here on my face.”
  • “You go down on her, you’ll be kissing the back of my head because I’ll already be there.  I think you know what I mean.”
  • “So tell me, what do you feel?” – “One man’s dream is another man’s lunch.” – “You son of a bitch.”
  • “Kinky sex… I’ll go get the midgets and the whips.”
  • “Who’s this?  You can’t be here, turkey.” – “He’s just a thrower.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He’s controlling the helicopter with his wand.”
  • “Why are these chicks doing martial arts?”
  • “Wow, they look real.” – “Are you talking about the diamonds?” (two topless girls in scene)
  • “You have the whitest teeth I’ve ever come across.”

Things We Learned

  • The actress who plays Donna, Dona Spier, is in a number of other movies, almost always playing a character named Donna.
  • Agents in Hawaii are vacation hosts and know martial arts.
  • All snakes eat meat.
  • You can tap into a phone by putting a suction cup on the side of another phone.
  • Boobs can make a bad movie seem much better.
  • Nobody wore bras in Hawaii in the 80’s.
  • A rocket can be used to blow up a helicopter or just blow the head off a snake.  It can be dialed up or down to meet your needs.

Final Take: This was a keeper.  Definitely recommended.  Unintentionally funny, lots of boobs, explosions, and a contaminated snake that keeps making appearances for almost no reason.  It has all the trimmings.