Archive for January, 2022

21
Jan
22

Hellbound

Date Watched: 1/20/2022

Starring: Only Chuck Norris

Plot: Two Chicago cops (Chuck Norris, Calvin Levels) investigate a murder until they encounter an ancient demon.

Rules

  • Biblical References
  • Chuck’s round house kicks (or kicks in general)
  • “Prosatanos”
  • “Shatter” (Advanced)
  • Jackson talks about food

Quotes

  • “Oh Shit! His heart’s gone!” – “No it’s not, it’s right there.”
  • “Hey Frank, do you want to go back to Chicago and play good cop/bad cop with our pimps and hookers?”
  • “Eat this!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Chuck Norris plays the role of ‘Consatanos’ in this one.”
  • “He’d better roundhouse kick someone soon, I swear.”
  • “What has Prosatanos been doing this past 40 years? Not building a massive army of followers and growing his power, just hanging out in Chicago sleeping with hookers.”

Things We Learned

  • The devil (or demon spawn) is named Todd
  • Throwing a heart at Chuck Norris is a great way to introduce yourself.
  • Chuck Norris would steal money from his own partner.

Final Take: This movie started out really well, but faded quite a bit in the middle. There were almost no Chuck Norris round-house kicks through most of the movie, which seems like a real waste of talent. That said, it has a memorable villain and does tie it all up with a decent ending, but all in all it’s a fairly forgettable Norris affair.

10
Jan
22

Mac and Me (1988)

Viewing Date: 12/02/21

Starring: Paul Rudd 😉

Plot: An alien trying to escape from NASA is befriended by a wheelchair-bound boy.

Rules

  • Product Placement
  • Alien whistles (advanced rule)
  • Cartoonish alien distortion/action

Movie Quotes

  • “You sucked this living thing into a vacuum cleaner?”
  • “I bet he’s trying to tell us where he came from.” “A Wickes Furniture store?!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This is a lot of whistling, by the way.”
  • Their mouths look like sphincters.”
  • “It doesn’t even look like workout gear. It looks like she’s running to her nursing job.”
  • “That’s the creepiest teddy bear I’ve ever seen.”
  • “What is happening in this McDonalds?!”

What We Learned

  • Aliens drink Coke
  • You can also revive an alien with Coke
  • MAC stands for Mysterious Alien Creature
  • ADUI- Alien Driving Under the Influence
  • In the 80’s, you had normal, horizontal house blinds in your car windows.
  • Aliens can be vacuumed up.
  • Aliens are fire proof

Final Take

05
Jan
22

The Last Thanksgiving (2020)

Review] "The Last Thanksgiving": A Horror Sure To Satisfy your Turkey Day  Appetite - Gruesome Magazine

Viewing Date: 11/18/21

Starring: No one. Seriously- IMDB lists all actors in alphabetical order, so no one really gets top billing.

Plot: A family of cannibalistic pilgrims attacks a restaurant that stays open for Thanksgiving.

Rules

  • Thanksgiving tropes
  • “Thanksgiving”
  • WTF moments (plenty of them, so use this at your discretion)
  • Lisa Marie acting bitchy

Quotes

  • “Everyone called my Sharty Metabernackle!”
  • “See food… Get it?!”
  • “The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.” “You’re not black.” “Is that what that means?”
  • “All I’m good at is being a nasty bitch.”

What We Learned

  • If your sandwich needs more flavor, cut yourself and add blood
  • Adams family values is the best Thanksgiving movie
  • Nothing is more American than cannibalism

Final Take

Tis the season for holiday themed movies, and there aren’t many Thanksgiving horror movies, so we need to dig deep (already watched all the Thankskillings, etc). Premise is straight forward- a family of cannibals searches for people that aren’t respecting (?) Thanksgiving values each year and murders and eats them. I’m not sure how much they actually abide by this- so if the employees at the restaurant actually want to be with their families to celebrate, would they let them go? I realize I’m overthinking this- its just a thin premise to explain the cannibalistic behavior. Some funny, cringy moments, but otherwise exactly what you’d expect.




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