Archive for the 'Bad CGI' Category

17
Aug
17

Flying Monkeys (2013)

flying monkeys

Date Watched: 8/17/2017

Starring: No One

Plot: Teenager, Joan gets more than she bargained for when her workaholic dad buys her a cute pet monkey who grows wings, fangs, and an insatiable thirst for blood come nightfall. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Clichés
  • Regular Monkeys
  • Wizard of Oz references
  • Say “Monkey”

Quotes:

  • “If you’re going to bite me, I’m going to kill you.”
  • “It seems like you got a lot of birds here. You got mostly birds?”
  • “Now you got a monkey, how am I going to compete with that?”
  • “We’re looking for a monkey that recently flew to America.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “He didn’t have a buyer for this crazy monkey?”
  • “Sorry I’ve never been there for you, here’s a monkey.”
  • “Thanks creepy Dad with your giant chin.”

Things We Learned:

  • The way to redeem yourself when you’ve been a deadbeat dad is to buy your daughter a monkey.
  • The full moon brings out the flying monkey.
  • Monkeys get to be a lot bigger when they become murderous flying monkeys.
  • In Texas, even the nerds drive big trucks.

Final Take:  Great ideas and set up, but this movie ultimately felt like a SyFy Channel movie with not enough gore and gruesomeness.  This movie should have pushed the limits, instead it held back, and therefore we can’t really recommend it.

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24
Sep
16

Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016)

Date Watched: 9/22/16

Plot: Fin, his family and the cosmos have been blissfully sharknado-free in the five years since the most recent attack, but now sharks and tornadoes are being whipped up in unexpected ways and places.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Star Wars references
  • Bad cameos
  • Every time they say “Sharknado”
  • Gratuitous product placement
  • Use of Las Vegas landmarks
  • Every time there is a new type of “nado”
  • References to other movies
  • Famous U.S. landmarks

Quotes:

  • “What inspired you to create a hotel full of sharks?”
  • “Fin Shepard, welcome to the family”
  • “Just as long as you have a beating heart, I’m going to love you”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Does that airplane look like a penis?”
  • “Why would you need a chainsaw if you had a light saber?”
  • “How would you like to have David Hasselhoff as your grandfather?”

Things We Learned:

  • You can fly off a building in a car and use your car doors to “surf” down safely
  • Pirate ship steering wheels make good shark killers
  • Sharknados can become Bouldernados, Oilnados, Firenados, Lightningnados, Cownados, and Nuclearnados

Final Take:

For a movie franchise that already jumped the shark (pun intended), this one was a worthy addition.  There was plenty of silliness and D-list celebrities getting eaten by sharks.  I’ve seen lots of movies filmed in Vegas, but the Treasure Island Pirate Ship scene was something memorable (not just for having David Faustino as a character named “Bud”).  We will be waiting for number 5.

15
Jul
16

Zoombies (2016)

Zoombies Poster

Date Watched: 5/12/16

Plot: When a strange virus quickly spreads through a safari park and turns all the zoo animals undead, those left in the park must stop the creatures before they escape and zombify the whole city.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Terrible green screen animals

Rules:

Animal Zombies

Giraffes – Zombie Giraffes = drink two

Say “Eden”

Jump Scares

Drone shots of the park

Quotes:

“Let’s just say that I got drunk at the wrong bar with the wrong policeman.”

“You don’t look like the kind of girl that likes to get dirty.”

“I swear that gorilla was trying to mate with me.”

“Excuse me intern, this is my sanctuary, and I decide what’s good!”

Viewer Quotes:

“They have a tracker on every dinosaur in the park… I mean err, animal.”

“I wish that little girl would turn into a zombie.”

“Is he going to kill Clay Mathews?”

Things We Learned:

-Irritating little girls are worse than terrible monkey special effects or guys in phony gorilla suits.

-Zombie giraffes like to attack in pairs and draw and quarter their victims.

-Zombieism makes animals smarter, faster, and stronger.

-Guts make good eagle’s nests.

Final Take:

It was an OK rip-off of Jurassic World.  The zombie giraffes were great, but very limited in their screen time.  If they ever do a sequel, I hope that they make them the true stars that they are.

01
Jul
16

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs (2015)

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs Poster

Date Watched: 6/30/15

Plot: After an accidental explosion at a local mine, dinosaurs emerge from the rubble to terrorize a small western town. Now, a group of gunslingers must defend their home if anyone is going to survive in a battle of cowboys versus dinosaurs.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Eric Roberts in a role that time forgot

Rules:

-Cowboy clichés

-Dinosaurs eating people

-Girls in bikinis

-Montana scenic shots

-Eric Roberts vomits

Quotes:

“Apparently he was attacked by a wild animal last night.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a bear claw.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a fossil.”

“That ain’t no mountain lion.”

After the dinosaurs jump out of the hole in the ground… “I think we’re too late.”

“You made your bed and now you can die in it.”

“You’re history.”

Viewer Quotes:

“That cowboy is totally going to order a coffee and a pecan pie.”

“Those are totally Montana skanks.”

“Can you still drink in the car in Montana?”

To the miners on their way to into the mine… “Are those the dwarves on their way to work?  Hi ho, hi ho.”

Things We Learned:

Velociraptors love to jump in the water to eat people.

Dinosaurs are attracted to propane tanks.

The best place to hide from a dinosaur attack is the washing machine at the laundry mat.

Dinosaurs will not eat horses even if they are right there.

Final Take:

This was pretty much generic Syfy fodder if you’re in the mood for that sort of thing.  I’m not quite sure what attracted Eric Roberts to this particular role.  I would think that if I was brought a script that had me puking my guts out for half of my time on camera, I might pass.  On second thought, I totally get it, and I would have done it too.

16
Oct
15

Attila (2013)

attila_theatrical_poster-lowres

Viewing Date: 10/15/2015

Summary: When American soldiers inadvertently steal Attila the Hun’s secret riches, the wrath of the barbarian is awakened; the mummified warrior will stop at nothing to kill the intruders. (via IMDB)

Starring: No one worth mentioning

Rules

  • Crazy scientist chews on a puzzle piece
  • “Staff” or “Stick”
  • Zombie monster kills somebody
  • Someone ineffectively tries to shoot zombie monster

 

Quotes

“You can pry it off, fry it off, or fuck it off.”

“It was stolen from our lab at zero-twelve-hundred hours.”  (zero-twelve-hundred?!)

“Bulldog, are you dead?”  “No Sir.”

Viewer Quotes

“Are these guys the A Team?”  “More like the C team.”

“Hamilton-esque hiccups!”

What We Learned

  • The holy grail was obtained during WWII
  • Nothing can kill the zombie monster and the only thing that can slow it down is karate.
  • The filmmakers seemed to think this movie is good enough to set up sequels
  • There is no purpose to the zombie monster except for murderous rampage
  • The reincarnated son of Attila the Hun has a burned up face, but the rest of his body is fine.

Final Take

Ehh…  The movie didn’t really make sense.  It was a stereotypical movie about an unstoppable monster that an elite (?) squad of soldiers have to take down.  They are all killed, and the general was behind it and had a secret agenda.  We’re still not sure why the zombie was killing everyone…  Skip this one.

24
Jul
15

Big Ass Spider

bigassspider

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Viewing Date: 7/23/2015

Starring:  Greg Grunberg (from Heroes!), Lin Shaye

Plot

A giant alien spider escapes from a military lab and rampage the city of Los Angeles. When a massive military strike fails, it is up to a team of scientists and one clever exterminator to kill the creature before the city is destroyed. (IMDB)

Rules

  • Spider bites
  • Say “spider”
  • Main character (Alex) hits on a girl
  • Alex hits toy on back of his truck
  • Say “Stage 5”

Quotes

“Like the living dead?”  “No Jose.” “But I like those movies.”

“Did you see the arachnid?”  “I don’t know what you said- I like your pipe.”

“What I saw was 20 inches and black.”  “Oh..  Sounds funny.”

“So we got to shoot the spider in the butt….”

“I’ll see you in hell!!!”

Viewer Quotes

(none- sorry.  This is for us.)

What We Learned

  • Big spiders cause power fluctuations
  • Spiders like shiny objects
    • But it is only to catch bums
  • You kill spiders by shooting them in the butt
  • You don’t have to worry about the alien baby spiders that just hatched.  I’m sure it will be just fine.  Congratulations everyone.

Final Take

Not too bad.  We don’t think it was worthy of the 4.5+ stars on Netflix, but it was an above average bad movie.  Even though he was the stereotypical comic relief, the clear highlight of the move was the sidekick Jose.  He had all the best lines and was the best thing the movie had going.  Of course for a movie like this this you aren’t going to get too caught up with the relationship development or the military response to a crisis of this magnitude, but they could have tried just a little harder.

13
Jun
15

Killer Mermaid / Nymph (2014)

killermermaid

Viewing Date: 5/14/2015

Starring: Some foreigners

Plot: Two young American women go on a Mediterranean vacation and uncover the watery lair of a killer mermaid hidden beneath an abandoned military fortress. What was once a carefree adventure becomes a deadly fight for survival. (from IMDB)

Rules

  • The call of the mermaid (Hunger Games tune)
  • “Cool” music
  • Foreign actors trying too hard to act American
  • Kills by the Fisherman
  • “Mamula”

Quotes

“I’ll bet he knows what you did last summer.”

“He’s a really funny guy.  I’ve known him since forever.”

Viewer Quotes 

“I’ll bet he knows what you did last summer.” (said moments before the actual line in the movie)

“He was really good time guy in college.”

“She looks a little bit like Daniel Day Lewis.”

“This is Daniel Day Lewis’s best role!”

“Do you think the mermaid’s siren song seduces lesbians?”

What We Learned

  • Mermaids have transformative powers and can change into hideous monsters
  • Smacking someone in the face breaks the mermaid’s trance
  • A mermaid’s scream can bring dead people back to life
  • Mermaid trance only affects men
  • The underground tunnel from the secret island does not, in fact, lead back to the mainland.  You still have to row back for some reason.
  • The movie did not have the budget to show the mermaid until 3/4 of the way through the movie.

Final Take

This movie had some decent laughs- mostly unintentional- and spent way too much time building up a love triangle for really no reason.  Most of the movie did not actually put the mermaid in the “killer” role, but rather it was her lover, who played the stereotypical, mute, plodding psychopath.  I guess he was killing people to feed his wife / lover (the mermaid), but a lot of the killing seemed to be just for the sake of killing…  Probably shouldn’t overthink a movie called “Killer Mermaid”.  The climax battle was pretty good, and the final shot of hundreds of mermaids embarking on the city made you wish that is what the movie had actually been about.  I guess we just have to hope for a sequel with more killer mermaids.