Posts Tagged ‘Nonsense

15
Dec
17

All Through the House (2015)

Viewing Date: 12/14/17

Starring:  No One

Plot:  A deranged masked Santa-Slayer comes to town for some yuletide-terror. He leaves behind a bloody trail of mutilated bodies as he hunts his way to the front steps of the town’s most feared and notorious home.  (via IMDB)

Rules:

  • Typical Christmas kills (icicles, candy canes, etc.)
  • Cutaways of blood splashing
  • Dis”member”ing

Quotes:

“Close your eyes and open your mouth. I’ve got a big package ready for
delivery.”
“Hey, I was only like 5 fking years old when I was told that story.”
“She’s not really a people person.”
“Poor poor dear, you’re mother was a filthy whore.”

Viewer Quotes:

“She’s really weird looking.” “Which one?”
“I really should have all kinds of creepy life size Santas in my house. Kids
would love that.”
“You know what that means, it’s penis cutting time.”
“That’s one thing we can say about this movie, it’s all that and a bag of
dicks.”
“That’s the way I’d want to go… being sufficated by a dickless Santa with
mannequins waving at me.”

What We Learned:

  • Deranged Santas will kill you and your cat.
  • When you least expect it, you get a bag full of dicks.
  • There’s nothing worse than a dickless man.

Final Take:

It was ok.  The Christmas theme is really window dressing.  This “story” as it were could have taken place anytime.  There was a lot focus on penises for some reason.  There might have been some deeper meaning at play here, but honestly we didn’t care.  2 out of 5.

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03
Nov
17

Security (2017)

Security

Date Watched: 11/2/2017

Starring: Antonio Banderas and Ben Kingsley

Plot: A security guard protects an eleven year-old girl who is being targeted by a gang for participating as a trial witness. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • See an American Flag
  • See generic mall imagery like cheesy family pictures on the wall

Quotes:

  • “You like cleaning toilets?”  (Response)  “I’d do anything.”
  • “That’s why we call him Mason Bacon.”
  • “Right now time is our enemy.  Lets make time our friend.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Did Antonio Banderas actually make any movies that made money… not counting Shrek or the first Zorro?”  (Response)  “Of course he did.  He was an A List star at one point… (looking at IMDB) oh wait, never mind.”
  • “Is this the Ecks vs. Sever sequel?”
  • “The pitch for this movie: Lets do Die Hard in a mall with a little slice of Home Alone.”

Things We Learned:

  • Snipers hired by Ben Kingsley are terrible.
  • When Antonio Banderas promises you that if you stay with him you’ll be fine, you won’t be, you’ll be dead.

Final Take:  Entertaining and highly watchable.  Everyone takes this movie very seriously, as they should.  The production values and the cast elevate this silly material way above where it should be.

06
Oct
17

Ghoulies 2 (1988)

Ghoulies 2

Date Watched: 10/5/2017

Starring: Some guys that died

Plot: The Ghoulies wreak havoc at an amusement park, disposing of those who mistake them for mere fairground attractions. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Stop motion
  • Someone says “Carnival”
  • Someone says “Tunes”

Quotes:

  • “I can do body work… baboom!”
  • “Have you seen my little muffy?”  (Response) “Who hasn’t?”
  • “He don’t go nowhere without his tunes.”
  • “This place is better than Epcot Center.”
  • “I’m a magician you sons of bitches!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Were girls actually uglier in the 80’s?”
  • “Can they re-brand the carnival to be the Devil’s Anus?”

Things We Learned:

  • Ghoulies can make cat sounds to lure in cat lovers and kill them with a switchblade.
  • 10 year olds have ninja throwing stars at their disposal to throw at wayward Ghoulies.
  • Having Ghoulies is a great way to make some extra mula from your crappy carnival ride.

Final Take:  Ghoulies delivers once again.  Like Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies Go to College,  this was great in terms of cheap entertainment and thrills.  Who doesn’t like a trashy carnival, especially circa 1988?

17
Aug
17

Flying Monkeys (2013)

flying monkeys

Date Watched: 8/17/2017

Starring: No One

Plot: Teenager, Joan gets more than she bargained for when her workaholic dad buys her a cute pet monkey who grows wings, fangs, and an insatiable thirst for blood come nightfall. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Clichés
  • Regular Monkeys
  • Wizard of Oz references
  • Say “Monkey”

Quotes:

  • “If you’re going to bite me, I’m going to kill you.”
  • “It seems like you got a lot of birds here. You got mostly birds?”
  • “Now you got a monkey, how am I going to compete with that?”
  • “We’re looking for a monkey that recently flew to America.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “He didn’t have a buyer for this crazy monkey?”
  • “Sorry I’ve never been there for you, here’s a monkey.”
  • “Thanks creepy Dad with your giant chin.”

Things We Learned:

  • The way to redeem yourself when you’ve been a deadbeat dad is to buy your daughter a monkey.
  • The full moon brings out the flying monkey.
  • Monkeys get to be a lot bigger when they become murderous flying monkeys.
  • In Texas, even the nerds drive big trucks.

Final Take:  Great ideas and set up, but this movie ultimately felt like a SyFy Channel movie with not enough gore and gruesomeness.  This movie should have pushed the limits, instead it held back, and therefore we can’t really recommend it.

11
Oct
13

Eliminators

Image

Viewing Date: 10/10/13

Starring: Andrew Prine, Tasha Yar

Plot: A former pilot rebels against his creator, teaming up with the scientist responsible for android technology, her pet robot Spot, a rough-and-tumble riverboat guide, and a martial arts warrior.

Rules

  • “Mandroid”
  • “Reeves”
  • Flashbacks
  • Use of mandroid gizmo
  • Spot turns into pure energy
  • Camera Filter change
  • Mysterious ninja saves the day

Quotes

  • “Might I remind you that we’ve been dissecting the very building blocks of the universe!”
  • “Now I got you, you tin can son of a bitch!”
  • “Your arms, your leg units.  It’s my work – all of it.”
  • “You’re functioning primarily on your human brain.”
  • “Hey, man.  You need some body work?” – “You talking to me?”
  • “Oh mon dieu, are there really piranhas around here?” – “Nah.  Just snapping turtles.”
  • “I don’t like the looks of that stone age toothpick.”
  • “Oh swell.  Our little buddy.  I’ve lost my boat.  We’re stuck out here in the middle of nowhere.  What is this, anyway?  Some kind of god damn comic book?  We got robots.  We got cave men.  We got kung fu.  Well that’s it, alright?  I quit.”
  • “There’s no treasure!  This is all some kind of weird ass science fiction thing, right?”
  • “I’ll get you, you scrap-yard son of a bitch.”
  • “I’m not a man.  I’m a killing machine with no past and no future.”
  • “Reeves has perfected time travel.  I think he intends to go back and rule ancient Rome.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “I can’t tell if this movie is supposed to be in the future.”
  • “This is such a poorly choreographed fight scene.”
  • “You can’t lose someone on a river!”
  • “Least.  Exciting.  Boat.  Chase.”
  • “This movie has definitely taken a turn.  What is this riverboat bullshit?”
  • “This is a perfect Halloween costume!  You’re the mandroid, I’ll be Fontana, then there’s the chick scientist and you’re the mysterious Ninja!”
  • “Whoa.  It’s some kind of monkey people!”
  • “This movie has taken a turn for the better.  Monkey people and ninjas.”
  • “Again, the name of this movie is Eliminators.  What does that have to do with anything?”
  • “Fontana’s doing a good job of summarizing what this movie’s about.”
  • “Nobody else is amazed by the fact that this guy’s been to ancient rome?  No further questions!”
  • “We haven’t seen this ninja do anything except for the reverse fish.”
  • “When mandroids compete, the viewer wins!”

What We Learned

  • Mandroids pack away their legs when they get on their mobile units.
  • Mysterious ninjas catch fish in reverse, pulling them out of the water.
  • Ancient cave men are gay.
  • Evil scientists can inhabit small robots.
  • Mysterious ninjas can jump through a fan’s spinning blades.
  • You could make whatever kind of crap movie you wanted in the 80’s.

Final Take

 I liked this movie.  Sure, there was a 45 minute meaningless riverboat trip, and introducing a mysterious ninja right at the end made no sense at all, but that was all part of the fun.  There were tons of quotes, weird floating robots, mandroids, ninjas, and time travel all in one crazy package.  It was fun.