Posts Tagged ‘Nonsense

17
Aug
17

Flying Monkeys (2013)

flying monkeys

Date Watched: 8/17/2017

Starring: No One

Plot: Teenager, Joan gets more than she bargained for when her workaholic dad buys her a cute pet monkey who grows wings, fangs, and an insatiable thirst for blood come nightfall. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Clichés
  • Regular Monkeys
  • Wizard of Oz references
  • Say “Monkey”

Quotes:

  • “If you’re going to bite me, I’m going to kill you.”
  • “It seems like you got a lot of birds here. You got mostly birds?”
  • “Now you got a monkey, how am I going to compete with that?”
  • “We’re looking for a monkey that recently flew to America.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “He didn’t have a buyer for this crazy monkey?”
  • “Sorry I’ve never been there for you, here’s a monkey.”
  • “Thanks creepy Dad with your giant chin.”

Things We Learned:

  • The way to redeem yourself when you’ve been a deadbeat dad is to buy your daughter a monkey.
  • The full moon brings out the flying monkey.
  • Monkeys get to be a lot bigger when they become murderous flying monkeys.
  • In Texas, even the nerds drive big trucks.

Final Take:  Great ideas and set up, but this movie ultimately felt like a SyFy Channel movie with not enough gore and gruesomeness.  This movie should have pushed the limits, instead it held back, and therefore we can’t really recommend it.

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11
Oct
13

Eliminators

Image

Viewing Date: 10/10/13

Starring: Andrew Prine, Tasha Yar

Plot: A former pilot rebels against his creator, teaming up with the scientist responsible for android technology, her pet robot Spot, a rough-and-tumble riverboat guide, and a martial arts warrior.

Rules

  • “Mandroid”
  • “Reeves”
  • Flashbacks
  • Use of mandroid gizmo
  • Spot turns into pure energy
  • Camera Filter change
  • Mysterious ninja saves the day

Quotes

  • “Might I remind you that we’ve been dissecting the very building blocks of the universe!”
  • “Now I got you, you tin can son of a bitch!”
  • “Your arms, your leg units.  It’s my work – all of it.”
  • “You’re functioning primarily on your human brain.”
  • “Hey, man.  You need some body work?” – “You talking to me?”
  • “Oh mon dieu, are there really piranhas around here?” – “Nah.  Just snapping turtles.”
  • “I don’t like the looks of that stone age toothpick.”
  • “Oh swell.  Our little buddy.  I’ve lost my boat.  We’re stuck out here in the middle of nowhere.  What is this, anyway?  Some kind of god damn comic book?  We got robots.  We got cave men.  We got kung fu.  Well that’s it, alright?  I quit.”
  • “There’s no treasure!  This is all some kind of weird ass science fiction thing, right?”
  • “I’ll get you, you scrap-yard son of a bitch.”
  • “I’m not a man.  I’m a killing machine with no past and no future.”
  • “Reeves has perfected time travel.  I think he intends to go back and rule ancient Rome.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “I can’t tell if this movie is supposed to be in the future.”
  • “This is such a poorly choreographed fight scene.”
  • “You can’t lose someone on a river!”
  • “Least.  Exciting.  Boat.  Chase.”
  • “This movie has definitely taken a turn.  What is this riverboat bullshit?”
  • “This is a perfect Halloween costume!  You’re the mandroid, I’ll be Fontana, then there’s the chick scientist and you’re the mysterious Ninja!”
  • “Whoa.  It’s some kind of monkey people!”
  • “This movie has taken a turn for the better.  Monkey people and ninjas.”
  • “Again, the name of this movie is Eliminators.  What does that have to do with anything?”
  • “Fontana’s doing a good job of summarizing what this movie’s about.”
  • “Nobody else is amazed by the fact that this guy’s been to ancient rome?  No further questions!”
  • “We haven’t seen this ninja do anything except for the reverse fish.”
  • “When mandroids compete, the viewer wins!”

What We Learned

  • Mandroids pack away their legs when they get on their mobile units.
  • Mysterious ninjas catch fish in reverse, pulling them out of the water.
  • Ancient cave men are gay.
  • Evil scientists can inhabit small robots.
  • Mysterious ninjas can jump through a fan’s spinning blades.
  • You could make whatever kind of crap movie you wanted in the 80’s.

Final Take

 I liked this movie.  Sure, there was a 45 minute meaningless riverboat trip, and introducing a mysterious ninja right at the end made no sense at all, but that was all part of the fun.  There were tons of quotes, weird floating robots, mandroids, ninjas, and time travel all in one crazy package.  It was fun.