Posts Tagged ‘cheap knockoffs

03
Feb
22

Yor:  The Hunter from the Future (1983)

Date watched: 2/3/22

Starring: Reb Brown (nominated for a Razzie for this role)

Plot: A warrior seeks his true origins in a seemingly prehistoric wasteland. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Theme song being played
  • Dinosaurs
  • Say “Yor”
  • Old man shoots his arrow
  • Rocks that look like penises

Quotes:

  • “Yor’s different than other guys.”
  • “DAMN talking box!”

Viewer Quotes:                                   

  • “Is he from the future even though he looks like He-Man?”
  • “Is that a Triceratops crossed with a Stegosaurus… a Tristegatops?”
  • “There’s no monogamy in cave man days.”
  • “They should reboot this franchise.”  “No!”

Things we learned:

  • The best way to kill a Tristegatops is with an axe.
  • It’s hard to hide a boner wearing a loin cloth.  Wait, we already knew that from years ago.
  • Bad guys in the olden days wore purple paint on their faces.
  • Yor is good at being captured.
  • A generous man does what his heart commands.

Final Take:

This movie really had it all. It’s hard to believe that the movie at the end was the same movie that we started with. For most of the run time, we had no idea where the “Hunter from the Future” tagline came from. Then all of the sudden the Darth Vader clones showed up. (Actually, they kind of look more like Dark Helmet.) According to IMDB, this was originally an Italian miniseries that ran 200 minutes and was split into four parts. Now, condensed into one 90 minute movie, it operates as somewhat of a weird fever dream. If it were rated “R” and just went all out with the gore and craziness it would be a lot better. As it stands, it’s just kind of weird and tame.

16
Dec
21

Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (1983)

Date watched: 12/16/21

Starring: Molly Ringwald, Peter Strauss, Michael Ironside, Ernie Hudson

Plot: On a distant planet inhabited by mutants, two bounty-hunters race to rescue three Earth female captives from the clutches of an evil mutant warlord. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Bad special effects
  • Says “Chalmers”
  • Say “Overdog”
  • Wolff uses his gun

Quotes:

  • “Make it eat dirt, Chalmers.”
  • “Hey wait! I know where to buy clean skav women.”
  • “I never said I wouldn’t eat dog.  I just said I wouldn’t eat it much.”
  • “Good breeding man.  I’ll bet breeding with him would kill him.  I’ll take that bet.”
  • “What do those skrotbags want?”

Viewer quotes:

  • “Wow! It’s got Ernie Hudson.  And Michael Ironside!”
  • “Is her hair wet or just grossly slicked back?”
  • “This reminds me of shower night at our house.”
  • “Are these singing little people?”

Things we learned:

  • Hang gliders are the best way to kidnap women.
  • The best way to deal with customs is to kill them.

Final Take:

This movie scared me as a child. Now… not so much. It flies by, and there really isn’t a lot to it. It certainly fits the bill as a terrible Star Wars knockoff. Cheesy and harmless, it’s worth a look.

16
Sep
21

Warrior Queen (1987)

Date Watched: 9/16/21

Starring: Donald Pleasance

Plot: In ancient Pompeii, slaves are bought and sold for household chores and sex. A mysterious queen moves among the elite, while secretly helping the slaves to escape.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Say “Pompeii”
  • Stupid long white fans (aka a Flabellum or Flabella for plural)
  • Volcanoes
  • Strange competitions

Quotes:

  • “Give me Money!”
  • “Have some pig, pig.”
  • “Veneria, you’ve become a pathetic old whore.”
  • “That’s my disgusting wife.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • After a guy gets his eyes poked out, “Bet he didn’t see that coming.”
  • “Gladiator totally ripped this off.”
  • “Veneria, is that like a venereal disease (in regards to the character’s name)?”

Things We Learned:

  • Men can keep their underwear on when they get hanged upside down but women cannot.
  • Romans did backwards arm wrestling with a poison spike.

Final Take:

This movie is a bit hard to rate.  On the one hand, it’s an absolute cinematic car crash worth seeing for its absolute ineptitude on every level.  We had no idea what was going on for most of the movie.  There was a Warrior Queen?  Really?  There were also several odd competitions like we were watching an early Roman addition of Survivor.  And, everything culminates into a virtual medley of stock footage volcanoes erupting.  The real problem with this movie (in terms of making it watchable as a BMT movie) is that it’s so mean spirited.  It’s not really fun, and I would highly recommend watching something like Deathstalker 2 instead that’s somewhat similar to this.

29
Jul
21

Escape Plan 2: Hades (2018)

Date watched: 7/29/21

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Dave Bautista, Xiaoming Huang (really the star of the movie), 50 cent (no vitamin water seen in the movie), kid from Desperate Housewives,  Amos from the Expanse

Plot: Years after he fought his way out of an inescapable prison, Ray Breslin has organized a new top-notch security force. But when one of his team members goes missing, Breslin must return to the hell he once escaped from. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Algorithm”
  • Say “1764”
  • Product placement
  • Say “All prisoners return to your spoke”

Quotes:

  • “I need you to kick my ass.”
  • “Turns out the doctor is a lamp stand.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This movie feels a lot like Major League Soccer.  The league’s in China and we send them all of our aging stars out for one last paycheck.”
  • “Sly looks like he’s wearing a wax mask…  Or a Reagan mask.”

Things We Learned:

  • There’s an algorithm you can use to deal with terrorist extractions… but never trust it.
  • The best way to share confidential information is on sticky notes.
  • The best way to build an inescapable prison is to have one that rotates.  But it doesn’t matter, as Sly will find a way out.

Final Take:

This was pretty silly and painless.  It’s certainly not a classic, but it went down easy.  (Much like Coors Light on a boat on the lake in the summer while listening to Michael McDonald.) 

24
Sep
16

Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016)

Date Watched: 9/22/16

Plot: Fin, his family and the cosmos have been blissfully sharknado-free in the five years since the most recent attack, but now sharks and tornadoes are being whipped up in unexpected ways and places.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Star Wars references
  • Bad cameos
  • Every time they say “Sharknado”
  • Gratuitous product placement
  • Use of Las Vegas landmarks
  • Every time there is a new type of “nado”
  • References to other movies
  • Famous U.S. landmarks

Quotes:

  • “What inspired you to create a hotel full of sharks?”
  • “Fin Shepard, welcome to the family”
  • “Just as long as you have a beating heart, I’m going to love you”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Does that airplane look like a penis?”
  • “Why would you need a chainsaw if you had a light saber?”
  • “How would you like to have David Hasselhoff as your grandfather?”

Things We Learned:

  • You can fly off a building in a car and use your car doors to “surf” down safely
  • Pirate ship steering wheels make good shark killers
  • Sharknados can become Bouldernados, Oilnados, Firenados, Lightningnados, Cownados, and Nuclearnados

Final Take:

For a movie franchise that already jumped the shark (pun intended), this one was a worthy addition.  There was plenty of silliness and D-list celebrities getting eaten by sharks.  I’ve seen lots of movies filmed in Vegas, but the Treasure Island Pirate Ship scene was something memorable (not just for having David Faustino as a character named “Bud”).  We will be waiting for number 5.

15
Jul
16

Zoombies (2016)

Zoombies Poster

Date Watched: 5/12/16

Plot: When a strange virus quickly spreads through a safari park and turns all the zoo animals undead, those left in the park must stop the creatures before they escape and zombify the whole city.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Terrible green screen animals

Rules:

Animal Zombies

Giraffes – Zombie Giraffes = drink two

Say “Eden”

Jump Scares

Drone shots of the park

Quotes:

“Let’s just say that I got drunk at the wrong bar with the wrong policeman.”

“You don’t look like the kind of girl that likes to get dirty.”

“I swear that gorilla was trying to mate with me.”

“Excuse me intern, this is my sanctuary, and I decide what’s good!”

Viewer Quotes:

“They have a tracker on every dinosaur in the park… I mean err, animal.”

“I wish that little girl would turn into a zombie.”

“Is he going to kill Clay Mathews?”

Things We Learned:

-Irritating little girls are worse than terrible monkey special effects or guys in phony gorilla suits.

-Zombie giraffes like to attack in pairs and draw and quarter their victims.

-Zombieism makes animals smarter, faster, and stronger.

-Guts make good eagle’s nests.

Final Take:

It was an OK rip-off of Jurassic World.  The zombie giraffes were great, but very limited in their screen time.  If they ever do a sequel, I hope that they make them the true stars that they are.

19
Jun
15

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2001)

Turbulence 3

Viewing Date: 6/18/15

Plot: Terrorists hijack an airplane that is broadcasting a rock concert live on the Internet. (From IMDB)

Starring: Rutger Hauer, Joe Mantegna, the chick from Burn Notice, and lots of C List actors

Rules:

  • Marilyn Manson knockoff music
  • Stupid hacking scenes
  • Every time they say “Craven”
  • If Rutger Hauer steps outside the cockpit
  • Outside shots of the plane in flight

Quotes:

“Thank you for the panties.  I love you.”

“I like the sound of his music.  It reminds me of Nam.”

“You need to log onto the Z WebTV website.  There’s a concert on a plane.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Did we drink to that guy’s mustache?  Because it’s disgusting.”

“I hope Rutger Hauer gets to kill someone.”

Question:  “They’re using the same guy?!  How dumb do they think we are?”  Response:  “Well, we are watching Turbulence 3.”

Things We Learned:

  • Airplanes in flight are the ideal spot to hold a death metal concert. Although strangely, sometimes things go awry.
  • Eastern Kansas is one of the most unholiest places in the world.
  • Planes will go into a tailspin if you let go of the controls for even a second.
  • An experienced pilot taking over control of a plane from a drugged out rocker and a hacker can cause a plane crash if the two of them already “have a bond”.
  • When a bandmate dies, it’s no big deal.

Final Take:

This was entertaining and compared to most of the normal Thursday night schlock, this was definitely more watchable than most.  I hate to say it, but this movie makes me want to watch the rest of the Turbulence trilogy, so mission accomplished.  I’m still not sure that Joe Mantegna didn’t need to do this movie to make a boat payment, or that Rutger Hauer didn’t film his scenes in his basement, but this is a fun movie that I’d recommend to watch.

17
Apr
15

I, Frankenstein (2014)

I, Frank

Viewing Date: 4/16/15

Plot: Frankenstein’s creature finds himself caught in an all-out, centuries old war between two immortal clans.  (From IMDB)

Starring:  Aaron Eckhart, Bill Nighy, and Jai Courtney

Rules:

Say “Adam”

Every time you can tell the movie is ripping off other movies: i.e. Resident Evil, Underworld, Van Helsing, The Matrix, Blade, etc., etc., etc.

Speaking in demon voices or showing red demon eyes

Quotes:

-To Frankenstein’s Monster:  “We shall call you Adam.”

“I know of no other way.  I am not human… or demon… or gargoyle.”

“Now bring me Frankenstein’s Monster!”

“Descend in pain, demon.”

“I think your boss is a demon prince.”

“I’ve never had to thank a human for anything before.”

“You go talk to the Gargoyle Queen, I’ll meet you back here in an hour.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Watching Bill Nye just reminds me of Love Actually.”

“Who are supposed to be the good guys again?”

“There is a lot going on in the movie, but I don’t care about any of it.”

“Do you think he has a stitched together penis?”

“Demons are stupid looking.  I feel like I’m watching an episode of Grimm.”

Things we learned:

-Demons eyes glow red at night clubs.

-Frankenstein’s Monster prefers stupid looking walking sticks as his weapon of choice.

-There has been a century’s long war taking place between demons and gargoyles.

-Working for demon’s doesn’t pay very much, even if you’re an expert in electromagnetics, as evidenced by the complete sh$thole apartment that the main scientist lives in.

-The Gargoyle Queen has a sacred duty to destroy Frankenstein’s Monster.

-Reanimating corpses have a status bar that lights up on their chests to be able to tell their progress.

Final Take:

For a movie with a lot going on, not much is actually going on.  There was little to no character development.  Maybe there is a longer cut of the movie out there where the story is comprised of more than just cardboard cutouts?  (Not that I care or would want to watch it.)  It’s really just a cheap copy of other infinitely better (Matrix) or slightly better (Van Helsing) movies.  It’s fine for watching for free on Netflix, but god help those poor souls that actually paid money in the theaters to watch this dreck.

31
Dec
14

Treasure Raiders (2007)

Treasure Raiders

Viewing Date: 9/11/14

Plot:

An American professor (Brand) teams up with a Russian biker (Nevsky) to search for historical treasures buried in and around Moscow.  (From IMDB)

Starring: David Carradine and Sherilyn Fenn

Rules:

Say “Professor”

Guitar riffs

Rip-offs from other movies

Cars jumping

Cliché Russian names

Say “Wolf”

Quotes:

“I’ve got a hobby that pays a little more.”

“We do not need a new champion.”

“A lot of racers talk the talk, but you my friend talk the talk.”

“I dumped the cocaine in the Moscow river.”

“I want ze money and ze cocaine back!!!”

“Don’t worry baby, you’re safe now.”

“I’m glad our relatives didn’t have any curses.”

Viewer Quotes:

“There’s nothing I like better than non-nude dance clubs.”

“Can committing another crime really be your alibi?”

Things we learned:

-You can leave a street race to go steal money from a drug deal and come back without missing a beat.

-A biography written by a person about that same person can still be considered a biography.

24
Aug
12

Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies (2012)

Image

Plot:

While the Civil War rages on, President Abraham Lincoln must undertake an even more daunting task – destroying the Confederate Undead. *Note – all undead are from the south.

Starring Sean Penn (allegedly)

Rules:

  • “Operation Shanty”
  • Decapitations
  • “Mr. Brown”
  • Historical figure references from out of nowhere.

Quotes:

  • “Zombies?!  That sounds like slave talk to me, sir!”
  • “Emancipate this!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Is that supposed to be Benjamin Franklin?”
  • “Why is he the only one moving in slow motion?”
  • “How are they going to get anywhere, walking like they’re walking?”
  • “Why didn’t he bring soldiers instead of this troupe of gentlemen?”
  • “Didn’t he tell these dudes what they were in for first?”
  • “Is he really named Brown?  Was this made in 2012?”
  • “Bam!  What can Brown do for you?”
  • “Why is this guy being such a douche to Lincoln when he’s the one that’s been saving their bacon?”
  • “Why didn’t he just jump to the side of that train?  Why run along the tracks?”
  • “Why do they keep leaving the fort?  They just keep losing people every time they leave!”
  • “I hear it went well?  They lost almost everyone that went with them!”
  • “Whores and no boobs?  Come on…”

What We Learned:

  • Abraham Lincoln led his own poorly run special missions with ill-informed untrained gentlemen. 
  • Lincoln’s mother was a zombie.
  • Abraham Lincoln has poor taste in women and nearly married a whore.
  • Abraham Lincoln always uses the back door.
  • Teddy Roosevelt got the quote “Walk softly and carry a big stick” from Lincoln.
  • People from the south are completely unreasonable.  They will not even make peace with the north long enough to destroy the zombies in their fort. 
  • Every plan should involve ziplines.



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