Bad Movie Thursday

Date Watched: 05/24/2018

Starring: Keegan Michael Key, Denis Leary, Patton Oswalt, Bob Odenkirk

Plot: In the town of Dillford, humans, vampires and zombies were all living in peace – until the alien apocalypse arrived. Now three teenagers – one human, one vampire, and one zombie – have to team up to figure out how to get rid of the visitors.

Rules

• Riblets
• Zombie/Vampire tropes
• “Dillford”
• “Brains”
• Alien Spaceship

Quotes

• “Not everything in your life is under your control.  Sometimes you vink at them and they don’t vink back.”
• “Come on, man, for the love of shit!”
• “I would love to chain all of them to their lockers, in a manner that would make sure they would not escape.  Then just roll sticks of dynamite, like old fashioned dynamite, down the hall and blow up the school.  And then I’d spare a couple of faculty, not this mother-fucker… I should fucking eat you!”
• “Call me swiss cheese ’cause I’m holy”
• “I know you’re thinking about killing yourself, and I don’t blame you.  Just wait to see if you get better.  If you don’t get better, go for it.”
• “Leading cause of puff tongue.”
• “Insurance is for suckers.”
• “Thank you for being so understanding, but in this case, you’re not understanding correctly.”
• “He just put some intestines back, and took different intestines.  What the fuck does it matter?”
• “The Dillford Shitter…It’s him!”
• “We have to have family yoga on Saturdays.  A lot of families do that.”
• “FYI, my dick’s bigger than yours.”
• “I thought you shit yourself at your piano recital.”  –  “It was a bag week.”
• “Why does he think he has the brains?  He doesn’t even seem to have any language skills.”
• “Give him the high cheese, Daggy!”

Viewer Quotes

• “This is a vastly different movie from the first half”

Things We Learned

• Kids don’t go in the teachers’ lounge.
• Zombies get smarter when deprived of brains.
• Ned has a huge hog.
• Vampires can put protect themselves with sunscreen.
• Aliens can’t see you if you’re naked.
• Organic cotton is no different from skin.
• Zombies disguise themselves as doctors.

Final Take: This movie was not bad.  The beginning was great, the middle was pretty boring, but the end did a good job of taking it home.  Worth a watch.

Viewing Date: 4/26/18

Starring: Michael Gross, Jamie Kennedy

Plot:  The stakes are raised for survivalist, Burt Gummer (Michael Gross) in his most dangerous monster hunt yet. When Gummer’s hired to capture a deadly Ass-blaster terrorizing South Africa, he and his new sidekick Travis Welker (Jamie Kennedy) engage in a battle of survival against the fiercely aggressive Ass-blasters and Graboids. Discovering the monsters have evolved into even more lethal creatures, their killer mission takes on a whole new level of unseen terror–far more than they bargained for (via IMDB).

Rules

• Say “Grabboids”, “Ass Blasters”, “Shriekers”
• Remember the house rules- creature vision, mustaches, stock footage, dismemberments- and you’ll be fine.

Quotes

“If you have ass blasters, you have graboids.”

“You’re just another pimple here on the ass of progress.”

(Drinking urine) “Definitely an acquired taste.”

“This is a bag of dicks.” (assessment of a bad situation)

Viewer Quotes

“Man he looks old.”  “Which one?”  “Well, both of them, but Jamie Kennedy looks terrible.”

“I never thought I’d say this, but Michael Gross greatly outshines Jamie Kennedy.”

“Father son?  How did we not see this coming?”

“When he made Son of Mask, do you think he knew he would be Son of Tremors?”

Date Watched: 4/12/18

Starring: Michael Fassbender, lots of “others”.

Plot: Have you played the game?  It’s the game.

Rules

• Time Travel
• “Assassin” or “the Creed”
• Talk about or show the Apple of Eden
• Assassinating people (with the hidden blade = 2x)
• Present time Fassbender mirroring past Fassbender.
• Jeremy Irons standing pensively in the window.

Quotes

• “Violence is what kept me alive.”  –  “Well, technically you’re dead.”
• “When I die today, don’t waste your tears.”
• “He’s synchronizing…”
• “I can’t feel my legs.”  –  “The paralysis is temporary.”

Viewer Quotes

• “There’s nothing quotable in this movie.”
• “He’s so awesome he broke the machine.”  –  “He got an achievement.”
• “That guy went for the claw hand?”  –  “That’s what I would go for.”
• “I don’t understand, at all.  Was this attempting to set up a sequel?”

Things We Learned

• The Animus must fling your body forward to synchronize your memories.
• Assassin’s and Templars have been at war for centuries.

Viewing Date: 3/1/18

Starring: Jason Statham, Jessica Alba, Tommy Lee Jones, Michelle Yeaoh

Plot

Arthur Bishop thought he had put his murderous past behind him, until his most formidable foe kidnaps the love of his life. Now he is forced to travel the globe to complete three impossible assassinations, and do what he does best: make them look like accidents. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Incoherent fight scenes
• New locations
• Planning and gadgetry

Quotes

(None- believe it or not, this movie was not heavy on the great dialogue)

Viewer Quotes

• “How much time is left? 50 mins”  (we check) “48 minutes.”  “Ugh. I was being facetious.”
• “He’s one part MacGuyver, one part Jason Statham.”

What We Learned

• You can jump on a hang glider mid-flight with no issues.
• Your home should always be wired to self-destruct
• The mechanic doesn’t really fix anything.
• Shark repellent is a thing.
• Jason Statham has super lungs and is some kind of Aquaman.