Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

19
Jan
18

Don’t Kill It

 

Viewing Date: 1/18/18

Starring: Dolph Lundgren

Plot: In Chicory Creek, a demon is unleashed and commits three triple murders. The demon hunter Jebediah Woodley and the FBI Agent Evelyn Pierce arrive in town to investigate the cases and after an initial friction, they team up to catch the demon. But the problem is, if the demon is killed, he immediately possesses the killer and continues the crime spree.

Rules

  • The Demon Scream.
  • Any time we see deplorables
  • Dolph vapes

Quotes

“His eyes were black…  black… black…”

“These are really great ribs.”

“Rubber bullets.  They work great when you’re in a jam.”

Viewer Quotes

“Do you think Dolph vaping will have some significance to the plot?”  “No, Dolph is probably really into vaping now and needed to write it into the script.”  “He can’t go five minutes without vaping.”

“You ever been netted before?  It’s crazy.”  “Just another weekend at the Olsens…”

What We Learned

  • Demons are heavier than water
  • Hookers in Chicory Creek don’t ask for money up front- even from drifters who live in their cars.
  • An entire town can be murdered- along with a few FBI agents, and no one cares.

 

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05
Jan
18

Day of the Warrior

DayOfTheWarrior

Viewing Date: 1/1/18

Starring:  No One

Plot:  It’s really not clear.  There’s some kind of warrior, who appears to be an amateur wrestler.

Rules:

  • Boobs
  • “Warrior”
  • Gratuitous and/or completely useless scenes.
  • People putting on and taking off sunglasses.
  • Video skips

Quotes:

  • “We eat, we drink, we come back here and play a little twister.”  –  “Will I hate myself in the morning?”  –  “I hope you do.”
  • “Man, there are a lot of trees down there!”
  • “That southern owl is an endangered species.”  –  “Well, it’s not endangered anymore.”
  • “Everything I touch has a way of exploding.”
  • “There’s something I have to get off my chest.”  –  “What is it?”  – “This!” (the shirt)
  • “I’m the only one (who can access the master computer) as far as we know.  But it can be done by any expert with enough time, data, and access codes.”
  • “He pretends to be a good citizen, he frequents the arts, and he donates to charity.”
  • “Doughnuts, chili, ice cream, and beer.  That pretty much covers the 4 food groups.”
  • “Some business this is.  All we ended up with is a bunch of singed underwear.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “They look wall-eyed!”
  • “Was that Ron?”
  • “Fuel storage, what could happen?”
  • “No!  Not Ron!”
What we learned:
  • She’s a cobra.
  • You should pack your gun right up against your knob.
  • Sharks and scorpions are good dancers.
  • The more you sweat, the less you bleed.
  • Ain’t nothing like a right cross.  Everything else just sucks.
  • Don’t take cover in a fuel storage shed during a gun fight.
  • People call Dallas Big D.

Final Take: You probably should already know what you’re getting into when you start this movie.  It’s a bunch of super-fake 90’s boobs, a god-awful plot and some really bottom shelf acting.  All told, it was still pretty enjoyable to watch.  Keep your expectations low and you should have a good time.

15
Dec
17

All Through the House (2015)

Viewing Date: 12/14/17

Starring:  No One

Plot:  A deranged masked Santa-Slayer comes to town for some yuletide-terror. He leaves behind a bloody trail of mutilated bodies as he hunts his way to the front steps of the town’s most feared and notorious home.  (via IMDB)

Rules:

  • Typical Christmas kills (icicles, candy canes, etc.)
  • Cutaways of blood splashing
  • Dis”member”ing

Quotes:

“Close your eyes and open your mouth. I’ve got a big package ready for
delivery.”
“Hey, I was only like 5 fking years old when I was told that story.”
“She’s not really a people person.”
“Poor poor dear, you’re mother was a filthy whore.”

Viewer Quotes:

“She’s really weird looking.” “Which one?”
“I really should have all kinds of creepy life size Santas in my house. Kids
would love that.”
“You know what that means, it’s penis cutting time.”
“That’s one thing we can say about this movie, it’s all that and a bag of
dicks.”
“That’s the way I’d want to go… being sufficated by a dickless Santa with
mannequins waving at me.”

What We Learned:

  • Deranged Santas will kill you and your cat.
  • When you least expect it, you get a bag full of dicks.
  • There’s nothing worse than a dickless man.

Final Take:

It was ok.  The Christmas theme is really window dressing.  This “story” as it were could have taken place anytime.  There was a lot focus on penises for some reason.  There might have been some deeper meaning at play here, but honestly we didn’t care.  2 out of 5.

01
Dec
17

From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money

Image result for from dusk till dawn 2

Viewing Date: 11/30/17

Starring: Robert Patrick, Danny Trejo, Woody Harrelson’s brother, Bruce Campbell (well, one terrible scene at least), Tiffani Amber-Thiessen

Plot:  Five criminals get together to rob a bank in Mexico. On his way to their rendezvous point, one of them gets into an accident, and stumbles upon the Titty Twister Bar. This little detour sets up the terror that awaits the outlaws and the officers on their trail. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Strange camera shots / angles (push-up cam, oscillating fan cam, etc.)
  • Surf music
  • Bats

Quotes

“This movie is very low quality” “Doesn’t look that bad to me” “What’s the story?” “Its a fuck movie.  I don’t watch a fuck movie for the story, I watch a fuck movie for the fucking.”

“Luther, what are you doing here?”  “Just dropped in for a quick bite.”

“Asthma my ass!”

“Why do you suppose these vampires are robbing a bank?” “Not sure.  I suppose they need money like everyone else.” (Premise of the whole movie / what the audience is thinking)

Viewer Quotes

“Did you know Alexa speaks Klingon?”

“That’s a hard way to go.” “My Grandmother went the same way.”

What We Learned

  • The second you become a vampire, you know everything about being a vampire and have bought into team vampire 100%.  You hold no grudge agains
  • Eclipses happen unpredictably and last for hours.
  • Vampires sometimes make mountain lion sounds.
  • All vampires completely different, bizarre ways.
  • Vampires can be shot hundreds of times, but stab them once, with anything, and they die.
  • Top 5 stupidest camera shots in this movie:  #5. Telephone Cord Cam  #4. Inside the mouth bite cam #3. Oscillating Fan Cam.  #2. Push Up Cam  #1. Rotating Lock Cam

Final Take

We were shocked to see that Quentin Tarantino had anything to do with this (Executive Producer).  It was clearly a money grab trying to invoke Tarantino dialogue and “unique” camera work to appear more than it is.  95% of the time it was ineffective, and it missed the critical component of Tarantino movies- actually being clever and having a point.  The movie at least acknowledges that vampires have no business robbing a bank, and didn’t try to explain why the first character was turned into a vampire, or why / how he decided to turn his partners into vampires…  But this is bad movie Thursday, and this movie falls slightly above average for entertainment value.  Dumb action and dialogue and not too long- a few funny parts.  3 of 5.

17
Nov
17

R.I.P.D.

RIPD

Date Watched: 11/16/17

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Bacon, Mary Louise Parker

Plot: A recently slain cop joins a team of undead police officers working for the Rest in Peace Department and tries to find the man who murdered him.

Rules

  • Someone says “RIPD” or “Rest In Peace”.
  • See the alternate version of them.
  • Royseafus does something old cowboy.
  • Someone says “Dead-O”

Quotes

  • “You know what my funeral was?  Watching a bunch of coyotes pick my carcass clean and drag my bones off to a cave.  A freakin’ cave, hoss.”
  • “You ain’t my partner, rook.  You’re just the ass in the other seat.”
  • “RIPD don’t and don’t sleep.”  –  “So why do you eat this?”  –  “I enjoy the mouthfeel!”
  • “I thought you were some kind of rebel, Roy.” – “I fought for the North.”
  • “Total humiliation.  Just a pants-down spanking in the supermarket.”
  • “You agreeing with me… that’s weird.” – “Yeah, feels strange…kind of tingly.”
  • “She billy-goated me!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “What’s this thing called?  Ripped?”
  • “As a big-budget Hollywood blockbuster, this is a disaster.  But as a smaller, no expectation, weird flick, it’s not bad.”
  • “So time freezes anytime anyone dies?  Nobody would get anything done!”

Things We Learned

  • Indian food transforms dead people into monsters, specifically cumin.
  • RIPD don’t eat or sleep, just kick Dead-O’s ass.
  • Dead people still live among us (some of us knew that all along)
  • Jeff Bridges likes a nice turn of an ankle.
  • How to billy-goat somebody.

Final Take: Not as bad as some will have you believe.  If your expectations are as low as ours were, you will likely find this movie just fine, and Jeff Bridges character in particular was pretty entertaining.

03
Nov
17

Security (2017)

Security

Date Watched: 11/2/2017

Starring: Antonio Banderas and Ben Kingsley

Plot: A security guard protects an eleven year-old girl who is being targeted by a gang for participating as a trial witness. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • See an American Flag
  • See generic mall imagery like cheesy family pictures on the wall

Quotes:

  • “You like cleaning toilets?”  (Response)  “I’d do anything.”
  • “That’s why we call him Mason Bacon.”
  • “Right now time is our enemy.  Lets make time our friend.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Did Antonio Banderas actually make any movies that made money… not counting Shrek or the first Zorro?”  (Response)  “Of course he did.  He was an A List star at one point… (looking at IMDB) oh wait, never mind.”
  • “Is this the Ecks vs. Sever sequel?”
  • “The pitch for this movie: Lets do Die Hard in a mall with a little slice of Home Alone.”

Things We Learned:

  • Snipers hired by Ben Kingsley are terrible.
  • When Antonio Banderas promises you that if you stay with him you’ll be fine, you won’t be, you’ll be dead.

Final Take:  Entertaining and highly watchable.  Everyone takes this movie very seriously, as they should.  The production values and the cast elevate this silly material way above where it should be.

20
Oct
17

Silver Bullet

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Viewing Date: 10/19/17

Starring: Corey Haim, Gary Busey, Terry O’Quinn, Megan Follows

Plot: A werewolf terrorizes a small city where lives the paralytic Marty Coslaw, his uncle, and his sister, the story’s narrator (via IMDB).

Rules

  • Product Placement
  • Gary Busey drinking or doing other Gary Busey-esque things (acting crazy, etc)
  • Corey Haim in the Silver Bullet

Quotes

  • “Suicides go to hell.  Especially when they’re pregnant.”
  • “There are no words to comfort- there is only PRIVATE JUSTICE!”
  • “I built that because I love you and it would kill me if you got hurt…  Now let’s get some barbecue.”
  • “Who was that?”  “Obscene phone call.”
  • “Some times I think that you’re common sense got crippled along with your legs.”
  • “I’m a little old to play the Hardy boys meet Reverend Werewolf!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “That’s a big mustache.”  “He’s definitely given some rides on that.”
  • “If only he had a cell phone.”  “If only he had legs.”  “Well, he has legs….”

What We Learned

  • If you’re committing suicide, and then are immediately murdered, it’s sort of a win.
  • Before they got into rap, they did wrestling (NWA wresting scene on TV)
  • Locke from Lost once had hair
  • Narration is usually completely unnecessary
  • Serial murders in a small town really don’t warrant any additional attention from police, feds, etc.
  • Paraplegics are really good at climbing trees and driving motorcycle-like wheelchairs (with no training)