Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 4/23/20

Starring: John Travolta, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Kasia Mutniak

Plot: James Reece is an ambitious aide to the U.S. Ambassador in Paris, doing little jobs for the CIA and hoping to get into black ops. On the night he and his girlfriend, Caroline, become engaged, he’s told to pick up Charlie Wax at Orly. Charlie is an unorthodox government employee – large, bald and bearded, foul-mouthed and eccentric. Charlie immediately takes James on a wild ride of murder and mayhem, through ethnic enclaves. As bodies pile up, the purpose remains opaque to James. Caroline, unhappy that James has been out of touch for a day, tells him to bring Charlie for dinner. Charlie can be charming – where will it lead? Does the chess-playing James have what it takes? (via IMDB)

Rules

• French landmarks
• “Wax”
• Chess references
• Someone does blow / drugs

Quotes

• “James!”  “I’m sorry I spilled the sauce.”  “The blood sauce?”
• “Do I look like I play board games?”
• “I’ve got a message for him (whomever you work for)”
• “Wax-on, Wax-off.”
• “Let’s Par-tay!”
• Welcome to Paris, baby.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Travolta….  What have you become?”

What We Learned

• Airport security x-ray machines can’t see guns in aluminum cans.
• Travolta can tell where the coke is by watching the eyes of the person he interrogates.
• Wax always gets it done.
• Travolta needs a little blow as a pick-me-up.

Final Take

This was an enjoyable action movie!  Predictable plot, with Travolta’s character being the ultimate invincible rebel special agent that is always three steps ahead (which is laughable on its own).  There is also the love-interest that you know is a double-crossing villain from the moment you meet her.  Did I mention Travolta’s over the top acting complete with drug use and Pulp Fiction references?  But lots of hilarious action and killing, nudity and drugs- a particularly fun sequence has Reese toting around a giant vase throughout a gun battle (later we learn it’s full of cocaine).  No one is falling asleep during this one.

Viewing Date: 8/6/20

Starring: Meera Rohit Kumbhani, Nick Thune, Adam Busch

Plot: Dave, an artist who has yet to complete anything significant in his career, builds a fort in his living room out of pure frustration, only to wind up trapped by the fantastical pitfalls, booby traps, and critters of his own creation. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Origami
• “It’s bigger than it looks” or other references to the size of the Maze
• “Maze”  (borderline advanced rule

Quotes

• “Did she die or did she just turn into a craft project?”
• “Everyone are assholes!”  “Is.”  “Everyone is assholes!  No that doesn’t sound right.”
• “Hey Brynn.  Thought you were dead.”

Viewer Quotes

• I think we needed mushrooms to watch this.” (several other similar quotes about this movie and drugs)

What We Learned

• It’s an old fort trick to use a towel and tape.
• Life is a series of incomplete moments of which there is no escape.
• When you die in a cardboard maze, your blood and guts become paper products.
• The only thing a minotaur wants more than to eat human flesh is to be free (and eventually go to a bar).

Final Take

This movie has apparently won several independent movie awards and based on the ratings, is very popular.  It was SO close to hitting the checkmarks of a cult classic.  The movie starts out really strong, has some funny moments and bizarre trippy scenes (the puppets, the optical illusion room) that bring me back to the crazy movies that we loved in high school and college (like Meet the Feebles).  Unfortunately, the movie really lost steam from about half way on and the end wasn’t anything special.  Still worth watching, it just falls short of what could have been a BMT classic.

Date Watched: 6/18/2020

Starring: Robert Z’Dar, Mathew Karedas, Janis Farley

Plot: Joe Marshall and Frank Washington are two tenacious police detectives who seek at all costs to stop the Katana, a renegade Yakuza gang composed of violent and sadistic killers who want to lead the drug trade in Los Angeles.

Rules

• Mentioning “Katana”
• Mentioning “Samurai” or using a samurai sword
• Mullets <advanced rule>
• When you see wig man

Quotes

• “Oh, it’s up and ready, you just keep it warm.”  –  “It’s warm and ready.”  <wink>
• “I want him dead!  I want his head on this piano!”  –  “I will bring you his head and place it on that piano.”
• “I feel like somebody shoved a big club up my ass, and it hurts.  And I’m trying to figure out a way to get it out of there.”
• “What happened?  You out or in?”  –  “Baby, I’m always in.”
• “Is that him?”  –  “I guess so… looks like this is his last fuck.”
• “Well, this one’s dead, too.  Not captured alive.”
• “Why did you go under?”  –  <crawling under gate> “I’m an undercover cop!”

Viewer Quotes

• “Is that guy the samurai cop?  He’s kind of a douche.”
• “Wouldn’t it have been easier just to smuggle in the sword and do it herself instead of smuggling in the guy holding the sword?”
• “Why is this fight transitioning through completely different scenes?  Sometimes there’s trees around them, then grass, then nothing at all.”
• “That guy’s pants are too high.  I think we can all agree on that.”
• “Why is that guy caressing his gun?”
• “This samurai cop never does anything samurai-like at all.  He’s never even held a sword.”

Things We Learned

• Samurai’s almost never use swords
• Cops can kill whomever they want with absolute impunity.
• Samurai cops are irresistible to women.
• There’s nothing special about Samurai cops.  They don’t seem to have any real special skills.  The name Samurai may have been a facetious joke by his co-workers.

Final Take: This was a good one.  I think it absolutely took itself seriously at times, which is what you really want in a movie like this.  There was gratuitous violence.  There were soft-core porn scenes that went on way too long.  There was stilted dialogue.  It had everything you’d want.  I definitely recommend it.  I’d also like to watch the documentary about the filming of it, just to find out why that wig was used so frequently.

Date Watched: 5/7/2020

Starring: The shambling corpse of Sylvester Stallone, Trump’s border wall

Plot: Rambo must confront his past and unearth his ruthless combat skills to exact revenge in a final mission.

Rules

• References to the war
• Flashbacks
• Stabbings
• Gratuitous violence
• Cartel people dying in traps

Quotes

• “You’re going to take me to that club.  You’re going to show me who she was with.  Or I’m going to hurt you real bad.”

Viewer Quotes

• “That’s his killin’ machete right there.  That’s redundant.  All of his stuff is for killing…”
• “Do you think that’s an artificial hairline?  That looks artificial.”
• “There’s been no quotes from this movie for me to write down.  This movie is not quotable.”
• “Being lured is the only way anyone ever ends up in Arizona.”
• “I think the initial knife to the neck probably did it.”

Things We Learned

• Don’t go to the clubs in Mexico.
• Never pick a fight with someone that makes their own arrows.
• The best way to defeat the Mexican Cartel is to lure them to your home in Arizona.
• Rambo doesn’t have too many lessons to teach.

Final Take: You could pretty much skip the first hour and ten minutes of this movie and still get all the enjoyment you would hope to out of it.  There was way too much plot setup in the beginning.  Yes, we get that his “daughter” was tortured and killed, we don’t need to know any more about why he wants to kill all these guys.  Just get to the killing.  Luckily the last 30 minutes saves the whole thing.  I could watch that last stretch 2 or 3 more times, at least.  It’s worth it just for that.

Date watched: 4/9/20

Starring: Several actors/actresses without pictures in IMDB.  That’s a good sign right?

Plot: Cracker County is under attack and lovesick dog catcher Bubba Blanche has been transformed into a ferocious, cigar smoking Werewolf in order to save the day. But first he’s got to conquer a beer or two. And maybe a plate of chicken wings. (From IMDB)

Rules:

• References to dawg or see a dog
• Redneck stereotypes

Quotes:

• “I own proper f@ckin scissors.”
• “Not with the hillbilly rapists they got around here.”
• “I feel it in my ass.”
• “Bobby Jo ain’t got no crabs.”
• “Holy shit, I’m a werewolf.”
• “I lost my testicles in Nam.”
• “This my bar, and I f@ckin hate kids.”

Viewer Quotes:

• “Is she reading hog porn?”
• “That guy’s dressed up as one of the minions.”

Things we learned:

• The Devil uses a quill to write.
• The Devil has his own brand of toasters.
• Crowds of people don’t like Jimmy Buffet or book clubs.
• Nuns have huge back tattoos.
• Werewolves like chicken wings.

Final Take:

This was our first virtual BMT event (due to the Pandemic not Birdemic), and I think this was a good choice.  It was a fun movie from start to finish.  I’m actually surprised that there hasn’t been a sequel.

Date Watched: 03/12/2020

Starring: Dexter look-a-like

Plot: After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime. And ninjas.

Rules

• Weird Close-ups
• Turning into dinosaur
• Continuity breaks
• Franky Mermaid references
• Punk Music
• “Dragon Warrior”
• Memory montages

Quotes

• Yo, Jerry, if you stuffed dicks in your mouth like you do that sandwich, I’d be a fucking millionaire by now!
• “Touch not, thy sinning hands, Jezebel!”
• “You think I like turning tricks for college?  There’s surprisingly low demand for hooker doctor lawyers.”
• “Listen, Padre… Franky Fucking Mermaid smokes wherever he fucking wants because his life is on fiiiirrreeeeee.”
• “I don’t know much about God.”  –  “I don’t know much about dinosaurs.”
• “Father Stewart, what if I told you I was different?”  –  “You’re not that different.  There are plenty of men like that in the church.”
• “Now the  hounds of hell are truly loose.  What have I done?”
• “I believe in a higher power, but praying right now will never save…. … … … … …….your liiiiiiivvvvesssss!”
• “Do you have any last words….velocipastor?”  –  “Only 6…. I think my hand is immune.  Gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Viewer Quotes

• “This movie’s only an hour and 15 minutes.”  –  “Yeah, but if feels like an hour and 25 minutes.”
• “How are they communicating?  They’re speaking two different languages.”
• “Is it just me, or has there been no dinosaurs for like 25 minutes?”

Things We Learned

• Turning into a dinosaur starts by feeling empty
• Nothing turns on a velocipastor like fighting ninjas.
• Dinosaurs can use the force.
• Velociraptors had a crazy hunch back.
• Hooker doctor lawyers are great in a fight against ninjas (for the most part)
• Ninjas feel really bad after killing the love interest.
• Most of the time you only partially turn into a velocipastor (just the hands)

Final Take: This was a good one.  It obviously wasn’t taking itself too seriously, but in the best way possible.  This movie knew when to go all in on the craziness and when to let its warts show.  I thoroughly enjoyed it from start to finish.

Viewing Date: 1/30/20

Starring: Eric Stoltz, Eddie Deezen, Linda Kerridge, Terry Kiser, Lyle Waggoner

Plot:  Evil Nerd Menlo wants to get revenge on some surfers by selling a bad batch of soda called Buzz Cola which turns people into mutant zombies. Its up to Jocko, Chuck, Bob and their surfer buddies to save the day.

Rules:

• Stock footage of surfing
• “Bow bow”
• “Tubes”
• Side-by-side scenes
• Gratuitous scenes- use your best judgement!

Quotes:

• “He must be from LA.” “Bow Bow.” “You’d have to be crazy to drink that stuff our dads call cola.”
• “Do you know how many brain surgeons, nuclear physicists, and Nobel laureates were surfers?  NONE.  We’re doing the world a favor.”
• “Look, wenches!”  “Are you girls available for dating?”
• “Those frogs must have kicked in.”
• “Kids, if I need any shit out of you, I’ll squeeze your heads.”
• “No human I know could eat like that…  and still surf.”

Viewer Quotes:

• “What kind of oil is that?”

What We Learned

• You can make a convertible quickly if you have a chainsaw
• Drinking cola and surfing is the American way.
• Zombies are good surfers
• Danny Elfman was in Oingo Boingo

Starring: Dan Hagerty, Julie Austin, Elf Mcgregor

Date Watched: 1/2/20

Plot: A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil Nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty, as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus, can save them.

Rules

• 80’s nostalgia (Star Wars sheets, Guns n Roses, etc)
• References to “The Forest”
• Dan Haggerty references being an ex-detective.
• Advanced: Dan Haggerty smoking a cigarette.  Normal:  Dan Haggerty not smoking a cigarette.

Quotes

• “I’m your fucking sister!”  –  “Yeah, but you’ve got fuckin’ big tits and I’m going to tell everyone I saw them.”
• “It was like a little man… like a ninja, only like a gremlin.”
• “Oral…Santa said oral.”
• “What happened to the beautiful youth of the day?  Don’t you believe in anything?”
• “If you could ignore their brutality, you would have to say they’re just a bunch of crackpots!”
• “What’s wrong?  Are we going to be alright?”  –  “No, Willie.  Gramps is a Nazi.”

Viewer Quotes

• “He’s brushing his teeth while smoking!”
• “Is there a sign that says grenades for mom?”
• “Isn’t this movie called Elves, plural?”

Things We Learned

• If you go in the woods, you lose your savings account that you lawfully earned yourself.
• How to get rid of a problem cat… drown it in the toilet in a pillow case.  Problem solved.
• When there is no more room in hell, the elves will walk the earth.

Final Take: This was definitely an underrated holiday gem.  From the godawful elf prop to the completely flat Dan Haggerty acting, it was an over the top 80’s slasher flick that somehow incorporated Christmas, Nazis, and the antichrist.  The filmmaker’s vision was a bit too grand for their skill, sure, but you can sure appreciate the chutzpah.