Bad Movie Thursday

Date Watched: 7/27/17

Starring: Peter Weller, Daniel Stern, Ernie Hudson aka little Chinese karate guy, Hector “Lyle” Elizondo

Plot: Alien, but in the ocean

Rules

• Scientific mumbo jumbo
• Pepsi product placement
• Daniel Stern being a scumbag
• Mutations

Quotes

• “When I get up top, I’ll be drinking beers and eating pussy.”
• “Generic alteration?” – “Genetic!”
• “Homo aquaticus”
• “That’s just great.  You’re telling me we got a god-damned dracula in here?!”
• “I realize you’ve gone through hell.” – “Gone – Bitch, we’re still here!”
• “Hey, I ain’t never going to be able to sleep again in life.  Ever.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Is she running without a bra?”
• “You want a Russian to take medicine?  Put it in the vodka.”
• “The sharks are unnecessary at this point.”

Things We Learned

• Science stuff courses in tubes in the kitchen in mining shacks.
• The best way to mutate a Russian is to spike the vodka.
•  Leviathans drink blood and absorb the intelligence of its victims.
• Punching your boss makes you feel better.

Final Take: This was a movie a few of us remembered to be pretty dang scary to our 8 year old selves, but it doesn’t quite live up to the memory.  The effects aren’t nearly as special anymore and you’re left just wishing for more t & a.  Ernie Hudson is the best thing about this movie.  It might be worth watching just for a few of his late-movie quotes.  Other than that, it was less than noteworthy.

Viewing Date: 6/22/2017

Starring: Vin Diesel, Michael Caine, Elijah Wood

Plot

The modern world holds many secrets, but the most astounding secret of all is that witches still live amongst us; vicious supernatural creatures intent on unleashing the Black Death upon the world. Armies of witch hunters battled the unnatural enemy across the globe for centuries, including Kaulder, a valiant warrior who managed to slay the all-powerful Queen Witch, decimating her followers in the process. In the moments right before her death, the Queen curses Kaulder with her own immortality, forever separating him from his beloved wife and daughter in the afterlife. Today Kaulder is the only one of his kind remaining, and has spent centuries hunting down rogue witches, all the while yearning for his long-lost loved ones. However, unbeknownst to Kaulder, the Queen Witch is resurrected and seeks revenge on her killer causing an epic battle that will determine the survival of the human race. (via IMDB)

Rules

• The witch hunter cross is shown
• Say “witch”
• Kaulder is placed under a spell.

Quotes

“What?  She’s a cat person.”

“You know what I like about thrift shops?  Everything in them is old.”

Viewer Quotes

“Elijah Wood is clearly a witch” (within 1 minute of EW’s character being on-screen)

“I wonder which movie was more of a box office failure, this or Babylon A.D.” (answer Babylon A.D.)

“Look- a blatant Gladiator rip-off…  With witches.”

What We Learned

• Back in the 1600’s witch hunters used roadside flares
• Witches caused the Black Plague
• Witches are put in witch prison
• Even after losing his invulnerability, horrible injuries can’t slow down Vin Diesel
• Elijah Wood’s character was pointless- and obviously a “twist” bad-guy from the start.
• Michael Caine cashed a paycheck by playing a dead guy or looking out a window

Date Watched: 5/25/2017

Starring: A surprising number of big name actors – Ron Perlman, Thomas Jane, John Malkovich, Alfred from Gotham, that chick from Sin City, etc.

Plot: 28th century soldier Mitch Hunter leads a fight against an army of underworld Mutants.

Rules

• Overly complicated transition shots
• References to the machine
• Big name actors who shouldn’t be in this movie
• (Advanced Rule) – Extreme close-ups
• Smoking cigarettes
• References to “corporation”

Quotes

• “Do you not receive the sacrament?”  –  “I’m not hungry.”
• “Death is the shark.  I’m just a guy with a gun.”
• “You can fuck a lot of people.  You only die once.”
• “There’s this girl.  I don’t even know her name…” – “You gave your ticket to a girl and you didn’t even fuck her?” – “I said I didn’t know her name.” – “So you did fuck her then!”
• “And she’ll show her gratitude by shining my crack all the way to Mars.”
• “What do you weight?” – “Very little.”
• “What does it say?” – “Abandon all hope…motherfuckers.”
• “Any last words?” – “Shut the fuck up.”
• “What do you believe?” – “I don’t get paid to believe…I get paid to fuck shit up.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Are they flying a plane or operating a train?”
• “Anybody hurt?  We’ve just been fighting mutants, for crissakes.”
• “A steam-powered ship can make it to Mars?”
• “Luckily the other mutants are giving them this time for a one-on-one battle.”

Things We Learned

• Mutants can fly planes.
• Machines can create mutants and have no reason to do so.
• 800 years in the future machines will be flown using coal.
• There are no countries, only corporations.

Viewing Date: 5/11/17

Starring:  Emily Booth, Jamie Honeybourne, Sam Butler (some Brits)

Plot

A TV crew, desperate to boost ratings, arrive on a remote Welsh farming island to investigate an intriguing incident. A local girl and her boyfriend had been abducted by aliens, who also impregnated her. (via IMDB.com)

Rules

• “English!! (spitting)
• Stones (mini Stonehenge)
• Fluid get splattered.
• Dismemberment

Quotes

• “Nobody fucks with a UFO enthusiast!”
• “What the fuckin’ hell the matter is with our bovine chums?”
• “At least I’ll never get pregnant…  Loser!!!”
• “I think it’s a little too late to win them over, honey!”
• “What in Roddenberry’s name is that?!”

Viewer Quotes

• “To me, it still doesn’t beat the thing going in his ass.”
• “Aliens, Zombies and Nazis.  Those are the things that you can kill in video games and no one cares.”
• “Now that’s what I call an abortion.”

What we Learned

• Its very easy to rip off arms and dismember people / aliens.
• You fly UFO’s and also mind control humans by rubbing a giant brain
• Just go for the alien mask- an unmasked alien is an instant kill.

Final Take

This was a re-watch of one of our most memorable BMT films.  As we remembered, it was gratuitous in every sense- and a lot of fun to watch again.  This movie is in the Bad Movie Thursday hall of fame.

Date Watched: 4/13/2017

Starring: Boobs Mcgee, “Long” Ron Dangle

Plot: In Molokai, two undercover drug enforcement agents are after a vicious drug kingpin, but on the way, they will also have to deal with a contaminated giant python.

Rules

• Seeing the disgusting snake
• Aviator shades
• Boobs
• “The Agency”
• Flute music

Quotes

• (Staring at a woman’s chest) “I’ll have a pair of coffee.”
• “If brains were bird shit, you’d have a clean cage.”
• “I’m going to give you the best seat in the house.”  – “Where is that?” – “Right here on my face.”
• “You go down on her, you’ll be kissing the back of my head because I’ll already be there.  I think you know what I mean.”
• “So tell me, what do you feel?” – “One man’s dream is another man’s lunch.” – “You son of a bitch.”
• “Kinky sex… I’ll go get the midgets and the whips.”
• “Who’s this?  You can’t be here, turkey.” – “He’s just a thrower.”

Viewer Quotes

• “He’s controlling the helicopter with his wand.”
• “Why are these chicks doing martial arts?”
• “Wow, they look real.” – “Are you talking about the diamonds?” (two topless girls in scene)
• “You have the whitest teeth I’ve ever come across.”

Things We Learned

• The actress who plays Donna, Dona Spier, is in a number of other movies, almost always playing a character named Donna.
• Agents in Hawaii are vacation hosts and know martial arts.
• All snakes eat meat.
• You can tap into a phone by putting a suction cup on the side of another phone.
• Boobs can make a bad movie seem much better.
• Nobody wore bras in Hawaii in the 80’s.
• A rocket can be used to blow up a helicopter or just blow the head off a snake.  It can be dialed up or down to meet your needs.

Final Take: This was a keeper.  Definitely recommended.  Unintentionally funny, lots of boobs, explosions, and a contaminated snake that keeps making appearances for almost no reason.  It has all the trimmings.