Plot: In the Vietnam war, an American soldier survives a botched mission, with help from a group of locals who perceive him as a hero. He’s sent back for a reconnaissance mission, only to find his helpers massacred by a brutal Russian soldier.
Rules
Explosions (reminder: house rule, but there are a lot)
Ramboisms
“Ransom”
Father Francois takes a drink
Abrupt scene transitions
Quotes
“Disneyland. They’ve got popcorn and ice cream growing on trees.”
“I tried to resist. I just can’t stand physical pain. I never could. Like going to the dentist.”
“Jesus! You scared the shit out of me.”
“How do you say goodbye in Russian? Auf Wiedershen.”
“He works for the KGB, you thickheaded hero.”
“Where does he keep finding these clusters of grenades?”
“These Russian dentists make some pretty good dentures.”
Viewer Quotes
“Every time we see this guy he’s gotten even sweatier.”
“Apparently he got all these villagers killed. He must not be their savior.”
“What the fuck is this popcorn on trees shit!”
“Every namsploitation movie needs a revenge tour. Now he can kill with no remorse.”
“We need a line graph of sweatiness vs evil in this movie.”
What We Learned
The best way to command a mission is in the field, 50 yards from the operation.
Americans are saviors because they will kill your enemies for you, no questions asked.
You know someone is dead when their sandals fall off of their feet.
Grenades can sometimes have a timed fuse, when it suits.
Final Take
This was basically just a Rambo fever-dream. The scene transitions were difficult to follow. The plot made no sense, and pretty much all the supporting characters were killed after a few minutes of screen time. I’m still not sure why any of it even happened. But it was marginally enjoyable and I probably will watch the sequel.
Starring: Marc Singer, with Head Animal Trainer Boone Narr
Plot: A sword-and-sorcery fantasy about a young man’s search for revenge. Armed with supernatural powers, the handsome hero and his animal allies wage war against marauding forces.
Rules
Talking to animals
Beast Vision
Using the night filter
“Dar”
“Juns”
Quotes
“Now we are dead!”
Viewer Quotes
“That’s just a tiger painted black!”
“Can the beastmaster talk with fish? What about insects? Where do you draw the line of a ‘beast’?”
“Is that supposed to be a city? Or is that supposed to be a model?”
“He just had to have a good cry.”
Things We Learned
Stealing kids is easiest if you move them unborn into a cow.
An eagle can pick up a child
Beastmasters are not kings of men, they are kings of beasts.
Final Take: This movie is pretty good, but it is probably about 40 minutes too long. It has 3 different points where you’ll feel like the movie is over, has wrapped up, but then it just keeps going each time. That said, it’s surprisingly well done in comparison to most movies like this, and you really have to appreciate the animal training involved. They needed the best and hired the best. Great work, Boone Narr.
Starring: Rowdy Roddy Piper, Julius LeFlore, Sandahl Bergman
Plot: After a worldwide nuclear war, where 68% of the male population was wiped out and virile men becoming a rarity, Sam Hell, a scavenger and a highly virile man, is assigned to help rescue a group of fertile women kidnapped by humanoid frogs (via IMDB).
Rules
“Frogtown”
References to sterility
Something happen to Hell’s junk
Spangle touches her earring
Sam Hell impregnates somebody
Quotes
“She’s never brushed her teeth.”
“There’s a flap.” “It monitors your physio-sexual condition.”
“Get in Stud!”
“You know, you’re one weird dude.” – one eyed frog man with chainsaw
What We Learned
High sperm count is due to eating a lot of fiber
Rowdy Roddy Piper needs to be romanced
Frog people’s currency is called ‘Lilies’.
Rowdy Roddy Piper can tame a feral woman with his virility
RRP is buried in Tigard, Oregon (RIP).
Final Take
How did we watch hundreds of terrible movies for 15+ years and not come across this absolute gem before now? We have gone through so many bad movie lists and have watched most of the top choices, but feel it is an absolute shame that this one wasn’t included on them.
This movie has so many elements of the perfect bad movie:
B list actor
Hilarious dialogue and plot
Nudity
Violence
Mutant frog people
Rowdy Roddy Piper gives a great performance as the only man with the virility to save the human race by impregnating as many women as possible- somehow most of the fertile women have been captured by an evil mutant frogman with 3 penises. If that doesn’t sell you, I don’t know what will. Bottom line, we thoroughly enjoyed this one. It is an instant Bad Movie Thursday classic.
New Year’s Eve is on it’s way and TV’s most famous punk-rock lady icon Diane Sullivan is holding a late hour countdown celebration of music and partying. All is going well until Diane receives a phone call from a odd sounding stranger announcing on live Television that when New Year’s strikes in each time zone, a ‘Naughty Girl’ will be murdered (punished), and the killer leaves a threat saying she will be the one to die last. The studio crew takes precautions and heighten security, but when the East Coast hits midnight, a hospital nurse is found brutally butchered. Who could be behind these murders? A crazed fan, a religious psychotic, or perhaps it’s someone much closer to Diane then the police (or audience) could have ever expected. (via IMDB, with corrections)
Rules
A call into the radio station
Punks acting disorderly
Say “New Year’s Eve” or “New Year’s Evil”
Switchblade or switchcomb
A new genre of music is played
Quotes
“I always come well equipped.” “I’ll bet you do…”
“It was a real swinger.”
“I can hear your heart beating. I don’t like that.”
What We Learned
The best way to start your first shift on a new job is with a bottle of champagne
Transandental Meditation gets rid of nervous diarrhea
When a girl doesn’t have a date on New Year’s Eve, she’s in shit city.
You can kill someone with a big bag of weed
Police uniforms were highly adjustable in the 80’s
Final Take
It’s always a roll of the dice when attempting holiday-themed bad movies. No surprise, but the genre the most often attempts the holiday bad movies (Hallmark Channel Christmas movies aside), is horror.
New Year’s Evil might be considered an 80’s horror classic by some (not many though- it is 14% on rotten tomatoes). The twist at the end wasn’t that much of a twist, and we could see the son would come into play from the constant rejection by his mother, but the “killing at each time zone” was an interesting device and the disguises and effort by the killer / husband added to the enjoyment. Not a great movie, but over the top enough with terrible acting and absurd twists made it fun. Need to call out specifically the part of the movie where the killer disguised himself as a priest, and then careless instigates a chase / fight with a biker gang.
Plot: Two Chicago cops (Chuck Norris, Calvin Levels) investigate a murder until they encounter an ancient demon.
Rules
Biblical References
Chuck’s round house kicks (or kicks in general)
“Prosatanos”
“Shatter” (Advanced)
Jackson talks about food
Quotes
“Oh Shit! His heart’s gone!” – “No it’s not, it’s right there.”
“Hey Frank, do you want to go back to Chicago and play good cop/bad cop with our pimps and hookers?”
“Eat this!”
Viewer Quotes
“Chuck Norris plays the role of ‘Consatanos’ in this one.”
“He’d better roundhouse kick someone soon, I swear.”
“What has Prosatanos been doing this past 40 years? Not building a massive army of followers and growing his power, just hanging out in Chicago sleeping with hookers.”
Things We Learned
The devil (or demon spawn) is named Todd
Throwing a heart at Chuck Norris is a great way to introduce yourself.
Chuck Norris would steal money from his own partner.
Final Take: This movie started out really well, but faded quite a bit in the middle. There were almost no Chuck Norris round-house kicks through most of the movie, which seems like a real waste of talent. That said, it has a memorable villain and does tie it all up with a decent ending, but all in all it’s a fairly forgettable Norris affair.
Starring: No one. Seriously- IMDB lists all actors in alphabetical order, so no one really gets top billing.
Plot: A family of cannibalistic pilgrims attacks a restaurant that stays open for Thanksgiving.
Rules
Thanksgiving tropes
“Thanksgiving”
WTF moments (plenty of them, so use this at your discretion)
Lisa Marie acting bitchy
Quotes
“Everyone called my Sharty Metabernackle!”
“See food… Get it?!”
“The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.” “You’re not black.” “Is that what that means?”
“All I’m good at is being a nasty bitch.”
What We Learned
If your sandwich needs more flavor, cut yourself and add blood
Adams family values is the best Thanksgiving movie
Nothing is more American than cannibalism
Final Take
Tis the season for holiday themed movies, and there aren’t many Thanksgiving horror movies, so we need to dig deep (already watched all the Thankskillings, etc). Premise is straight forward- a family of cannibals searches for people that aren’t respecting (?) Thanksgiving values each year and murders and eats them. I’m not sure how much they actually abide by this- so if the employees at the restaurant actually want to be with their families to celebrate, would they let them go? I realize I’m overthinking this- its just a thin premise to explain the cannibalistic behavior. Some funny, cringy moments, but otherwise exactly what you’d expect.
Plot: In the Barrio of Oak Springs live a strong and stubborn group of elderly friends who refuse to be gentrified. Their leader, Lupita, keeps them together as a community, a family. But little did they know, their beloved Bingo hall is about to be sold to a much more powerful force than money itself.
Rules
Bingoisms
“Oak Springs”
The Goop
Quotes
“And for your information, I prefer store-bought to this liquid cat shit.”
“Welcome to Oak Springs, motherfucker!”
Viewer Quotes
“Is this a horror movie or is this an old woman’s barber shop?”
Things We Learned
The devil operates through bingo halls.
The devil is filled with green goop.
You don’t fuck with Oak Springs
You can kill the devil by burning money.
Final Take: This movie was a slow burn. It was a long buildup to a few ultra-violent scenes. It did not make bingo look any classier. There was a bit of a message about consumerism and gambling that didn’t quite lend itself to light-hearted drinking and laughing, but overall it was memorable. And the rules worked out pretty well.
Starring: Dolph Lundgren (who also wrote and directed), Kateri Walker, Chelsea Ricketts, Matthew Tompkins
Plot
A lone biker rides into town in the aftermath of the death of his good friend J.J. Once there Ryder discovers that his friend didn’t die but was murdered by a local businessman who would let nothing stand in the way of his plans to build a state of the art casino on Indian reservation land. On a mission of justice Ryder confronts and defeats Reno and his men in a tour de force show down where the one (Ryder) vanquishes the many. (via IMDB)
Rules
Native American references
Bible (reference, Dolph reading it, etc)
“Boss”
Sheriff drinks from flask
“Reno”
Quotes
“They drowned someone in the river- if you know what I mean.”
“She was meant to call me Jeff but she was so drunk with a busted jaw… that it came out Jarfe. She died moments later.”
“They drowned someone in the river- if you know what I mean.”
Viewer Quotes
“She wants to get Dolphed”
“That looks fun. I’d like to throw some incendiary grenades in a boat.”
What We Learned
Dolph drinks a tequila with no lime and no salt.
The ancestors told of a man from the North who would save them- and that man was Dolph Lundgren
Dolph is the savior
Final Take
An enjoyable Dolph Lundren written and directed piece which is a retelling of Pale Rider- or maybe Ghost Rider from the comics (avenging spirit who rides a motorcycle). Some good action, cartoonish bad guys who run the town (think Road House), and a lot of killing. Jarfe was a good character, but should have known better to get into the war with Dolph based on his initial interaction with the clownish crime boss, John Reno. Look for it on amazon Prime!
![Review] "The Last Thanksgiving": A Horror Sure To Satisfy your Turkey Day Appetite - Gruesome Magazine](https://i0.wp.com/gruesomemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/6/2020/08/tlt-1.jpeg)
Bad Movie Thursday 