Bad Movie Thursday

Date Watched: 4/12/18

Starring: Michael Fassbender, lots of “others”.

Plot: Have you played the game?  It’s the game.

Rules

• Time Travel
• “Assassin” or “the Creed”
• Talk about or show the Apple of Eden
• Assassinating people (with the hidden blade = 2x)
• Present time Fassbender mirroring past Fassbender.
• Jeremy Irons standing pensively in the window.

Quotes

• “Violence is what kept me alive.”  –  “Well, technically you’re dead.”
• “When I die today, don’t waste your tears.”
• “He’s synchronizing…”
• “I can’t feel my legs.”  –  “The paralysis is temporary.”

Viewer Quotes

• “There’s nothing quotable in this movie.”
• “He’s so awesome he broke the machine.”  –  “He got an achievement.”
• “That guy went for the claw hand?”  –  “That’s what I would go for.”
• “I don’t understand, at all.  Was this attempting to set up a sequel?”

Things We Learned

• The Animus must fling your body forward to synchronize your memories.
• Assassin’s and Templars have been at war for centuries.

Viewing Date: 3/1/18

Starring: Jason Statham, Jessica Alba, Tommy Lee Jones, Michelle Yeaoh

Plot

Arthur Bishop thought he had put his murderous past behind him, until his most formidable foe kidnaps the love of his life. Now he is forced to travel the globe to complete three impossible assassinations, and do what he does best: make them look like accidents. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Incoherent fight scenes
• New locations
• Planning and gadgetry

Quotes

(None- believe it or not, this movie was not heavy on the great dialogue)

Viewer Quotes

• “How much time is left? 50 mins”  (we check) “48 minutes.”  “Ugh. I was being facetious.”
• “He’s one part MacGuyver, one part Jason Statham.”

What We Learned

• You can jump on a hang glider mid-flight with no issues.
• Your home should always be wired to self-destruct
• The mechanic doesn’t really fix anything.
• Shark repellent is a thing.
• Jason Statham has super lungs and is some kind of Aquaman.

Date Watched: 02/15/2018

Starring: Sly Stallone, Wesley Snipes, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Mel Gibson, and probably more.

Plot: Barney augments his team with new blood for a personal battle: to take down Conrad Stonebanks, the Expendables co-founder and notorious arms trader who is hell bent on wiping out Barney and every single one of his associates (i.e. – the old crew is only around for 20 minutes before the movie resets with a totally different cast.)

Rules

• Explosions (advanced)
• Every new character introduction (or cameo)
• “Stone Banks”
• Gratuitous product placement
• Scenes with way too much plot exposition

Quotes

• “Time to mow the lawn”
• “I’m the knife before Christmas!  I was doing knife tricks when you were still sucking on your daddy’s tit.”
• “Who you calling amateur, grandpa?” – “Grandpa’s about to crush your windpipe.”
• “A one-way trip is better than no-way, which is how I live now.”
• “I can use it to jam the signal.” – “Why didn’t you think of that?” – “Well I use it to check the weather.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Look, he’s got milky white eyes now.  That’s how old he is.”
• “Is that Randy Couture?” – “Yes, can you tell me what his character name is?” – “Captain Cauliflower Ear?”
• “What’s Paul Walker’s brother’s name?  Is it Mall Walker?”
• “If Sylvester Stallone was a superhero, he wouldn’t be The Flash.”
• “Another scene that’s just going on forever!”

What We Learned

• Stallone can outrun a collapsing building.
• Explosions don’t cause any injury, they just force people back like a gust of wind.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jet Li are having some kind of illicit affair.

Final Take: You should know what you’re signing up for when you watch Expendables 3.  Suffice it to say, you’ll think the movie’s almost over, only to find out it’s only halfway.  It’s an OK movie, but so much of that terrible exposition could have been cut out.

Viewing Date: 1/18/18

Starring: Dolph Lundgren

Plot: In Chicory Creek, a demon is unleashed and commits three triple murders. The demon hunter Jebediah Woodley and the FBI Agent Evelyn Pierce arrive in town to investigate the cases and after an initial friction, they team up to catch the demon. But the problem is, if the demon is killed, he immediately possesses the killer and continues the crime spree.

Rules

• The Demon Scream.
• Any time we see deplorables
• Dolph vapes

Quotes

“His eyes were black…  black… black…”

“These are really great ribs.”

“Rubber bullets.  They work great when you’re in a jam.”

Viewer Quotes

“Do you think Dolph vaping will have some significance to the plot?”  “No, Dolph is probably really into vaping now and needed to write it into the script.”  “He can’t go five minutes without vaping.”

“You ever been netted before?  It’s crazy.”  “Just another weekend at the Olsens…”

What We Learned

• Demons are heavier than water
• Hookers in Chicory Creek don’t ask for money up front- even from drifters who live in their cars.
• An entire town can be murdered- along with a few FBI agents, and no one cares.

Viewing Date: 1/1/18

Starring:  No One

Plot:  It’s really not clear.  There’s some kind of warrior, who appears to be an amateur wrestler.

Rules:

• Boobs
• “Warrior”
• Gratuitous and/or completely useless scenes.
• People putting on and taking off sunglasses.
• Video skips

Quotes:

• “We eat, we drink, we come back here and play a little twister.”  –  “Will I hate myself in the morning?”  –  “I hope you do.”
• “Man, there are a lot of trees down there!”
• “That southern owl is an endangered species.”  –  “Well, it’s not endangered anymore.”
• “Everything I touch has a way of exploding.”
• “There’s something I have to get off my chest.”  –  “What is it?”  – “This!” (the shirt)
• “I’m the only one (who can access the master computer) as far as we know.  But it can be done by any expert with enough time, data, and access codes.”
• “He pretends to be a good citizen, he frequents the arts, and he donates to charity.”
• “Doughnuts, chili, ice cream, and beer.  That pretty much covers the 4 food groups.”
• “Some business this is.  All we ended up with is a bunch of singed underwear.”

Viewer Quotes:

• “They look wall-eyed!”
• “Was that Ron?”
• “Fuel storage, what could happen?”
• “No!  Not Ron!”

• She’s a cobra.
• You should pack your gun right up against your knob.
• Sharks and scorpions are good dancers.
• The more you sweat, the less you bleed.
• Ain’t nothing like a right cross.  Everything else just sucks.
• Don’t take cover in a fuel storage shed during a gun fight.
• People call Dallas Big D.

Final Take: You probably should already know what you’re getting into when you start this movie.  It’s a bunch of super-fake 90’s boobs, a god-awful plot and some really bottom shelf acting.  All told, it was still pretty enjoyable to watch.  Keep your expectations low and you should have a good time.

Viewing Date: 11/30/17

Starring: Robert Patrick, Danny Trejo, Woody Harrelson’s brother, Bruce Campbell (well, one terrible scene at least), Tiffani Amber-Thiessen

Plot:  Five criminals get together to rob a bank in Mexico. On his way to their rendezvous point, one of them gets into an accident, and stumbles upon the Titty Twister Bar. This little detour sets up the terror that awaits the outlaws and the officers on their trail. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Strange camera shots / angles (push-up cam, oscillating fan cam, etc.)
• Surf music
• Bats

Quotes

“This movie is very low quality” “Doesn’t look that bad to me” “What’s the story?” “Its a fuck movie.  I don’t watch a fuck movie for the story, I watch a fuck movie for the fucking.”

“Luther, what are you doing here?”  “Just dropped in for a quick bite.”

“Asthma my ass!”

“Why do you suppose these vampires are robbing a bank?” “Not sure.  I suppose they need money like everyone else.” (Premise of the whole movie / what the audience is thinking)

Viewer Quotes

“Did you know Alexa speaks Klingon?”

“That’s a hard way to go.” “My Grandmother went the same way.”

What We Learned

• The second you become a vampire, you know everything about being a vampire and have bought into team vampire 100%.  You hold no grudge agains
• Eclipses happen unpredictably and last for hours.
• Vampires sometimes make mountain lion sounds.
• All vampires completely different, bizarre ways.
• Vampires can be shot hundreds of times, but stab them once, with anything, and they die.
• Top 5 stupidest camera shots in this movie:  #5. Telephone Cord Cam  #4. Inside the mouth bite cam #3. Oscillating Fan Cam.  #2. Push Up Cam  #1. Rotating Lock Cam

Final Take

We were shocked to see that Quentin Tarantino had anything to do with this (Executive Producer).  It was clearly a money grab trying to invoke Tarantino dialogue and “unique” camera work to appear more than it is.  95% of the time it was ineffective, and it missed the critical component of Tarantino movies- actually being clever and having a point.  The movie at least acknowledges that vampires have no business robbing a bank, and didn’t try to explain why the first character was turned into a vampire, or why / how he decided to turn his partners into vampires…  But this is bad movie Thursday, and this movie falls slightly above average for entertainment value.  Dumb action and dialogue and not too long- a few funny parts.  3 of 5.