Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

21
Sep
18

Tremors: A Cold Day In Hell

tremors_colddayinhell

Date Watched: 09/20/18

Starring: Michael Gross, Jamie Kennedy, Tremor O’Neill

Plot: Graboids are attacking people in a desert, that also may supposed to be a snow-field.  Time to suit up.

Rules

  • “Graboids” or “Assblaster”
  • Nods to Oregon
  • Severed limbs/body parts

Quotes

  • “Hell, I’m hotter than a .50 cal on full auto.”
  • “From one kill-site, we recovered a severed head, a torso, and a half-eaten testicle.”
  • “That flaming sphincter is on the roof.”
  • “Get back here!  Don’t follow stupid with stupid.”
  • “Oh come on.  If you’re going to piss like a puppy, stay on the porch.”
  • “My balls are in the guiness book of balls.”
  • “At least the gland wasn’t in the prostate.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Did he crap his pants or something?” – “Did he have an assblaster?”
  • “I one day hope to high-five Jamie Kennedy for some reason.”

Things We Learned

  • You can fly over Canada and land in California
  • Assblasters explode when you shoot them in the ass.
  • Don’t let the urgent get in the way of the important.
  • It’s impossible to count the graboids without a seismic vibration monitor.
  • Blood ain’t thicker than ammo.

Final TakeIt’s exactly what you’d expect.  You should know what you’re getting yourself into by now.

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30
Aug
18

Hardcore Henry (2015)

Hardcore Henry

Viewing Date:  8/30/18

Starring:  Sharlto Copley, Tim Roth, and you (as Henry)

Plot:  Henry is resurrected from death with no memory, and he must save his wife from a telekinetic warlord with a plan to bio-engineer soldiers.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Every time they say “Henry”
  • Every time Henry falls down
  • Video game clichés
  • Screen glitches

Quotes:

  • “All you got to do is pull out his f&cking heart and eat it.”
  • “You’re half machine, half p&ssy.”
  • “Hi, I’m a f&ckin’ car baby.  Lexus convertible.”
  • “How sweet, if I took this moment and put it in a cup of tea, I wouldn’t need sugar.”
  • “Put the proto baby down.”
  • “As my father used to say, a grenade a day keeps the doctor away.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This is all a f&cking video game.”
  • “Is that Mathew McConaughey?”
  • “That’s the way I’d want to go out… in a dance fight.”

Things we learned:

  • Telekinetic bad guys like to masturbate using a baseball bat.
  • Sharlto Copley likes drugs.  A lot.  And he dies a lot too.

Final Take:

It’s not a perfect movie by any means, but it is truly weird enough to recommend.  The FPS (First Person Shooter) perspective can be off putting at times.  In general though, there’s always something going on, and the overall strangeness and Sharlto Copley going all in on his role really makes this a pretty solid BMT flick.

20
Jul
18

Deep Rising

DeepRising

Date Watched: 7/19/2018

Starring: Treat Williams, Digimon Honsou

Plot: A group of heavily armed hijackers board a luxury ocean liner in the South Pacific Ocean to loot it, only to do battle with a series of large-sized, tentacled, man-eating sea creatures who have taken over the ship first.

Rules

  • “Jezebel” or “Hercules”
  • “Argonautica”
  • Tentacle Attack
  • Jump scares (real or empty)
  • Askew camera angles (advanced rule, discretionary)
  • Obvious green screen scene

Quotes

  • “What you got there?”  –  “Peanut.”  –  “Peanut”?
  • “I think she broke my nose.”  –  “Give me a chance and I’ll break the rest of your face, not that anybody would notice.”  –  “What is this about?”
  • “Who gives a shit what they are?  Just tell us how to kill these motherfuckers.”
  • “You mean I can have anything I want?  How about a cold beer?”
  • “I don’t mean to sound like a pussy, but this shit is starting to freak me out, man!”
  • “Can you just…get…asthma, or do you have to be born with it?”

Viewer Quotes

  • “No good quotes, just bad dialogue.”
  • “This soundtrack is like something you’d find on a casio keyboard.”
  • “This is good late 90’s gore.”
  • “This guy is probably going to turn into a tentacle.  He’s been a tentacle this whole time.”
  • “To a creature this size, a human being is like a piece of popcorn.  Why spend all this effort for a few kernels of popcorn?”
  • “The only way to slow ’em down is to feed ’em.”  –  “What do we feed ’em?  All I got is a wet stick of gum and a breath mint.”

Things We Learned

  • Mercenaries run across table tops when clearing a room
  • Very large octopuses have mouths at the end of their tentacles.  Mouths within mouths.  Also the tentacles can see.
  • A room full of dead bodies is also full of screams.
  • Man is the real monster.

Final Take: Pretty good, better than expected.  Some good sequences.  Djimon Hounsou had a great follow-up effort after his academy award winning role in Amistad.

29
Jun
18

Assassination Games (2011)

assassination games

Date Watched: 6/28/18

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme

Plot: Two assassins agree to work together as one tries to avenge his wife and the other collect a reward for a job.  (From IMDB)

Rules:
-Van Damme putting on/taking off sunglasses
-Flashbacks
-say “Polo”

Quotes:

“He was the best hitman on our payroll.”
“How did you do that? How did you get him to come out?” (In regards to the young woman stroking a turtle to make his head come out like an erection.)
“I sleep fine. I’m a weapon.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Oh yeah, she’s turned on by JCVD.”
“I’m no Eastern European hitman, but I know that I probably wouldn’t f$ck around with those guys or Jean-Claude Van Damme.”

Things We Learned:

-You can use a secret faucet handle in a crappy Romanian apartment to get to an a hidden giant apartment, even though it’s pretty obvious that the smaller apartment doesn’t have a bed and must really be bigger. (Even a young traumatized hooker can figure out a way into this “secret” room in minutes.)
-JCVD likes to utilize a crossbow with poisoned arrows for his hits.
-JCVD gets angry if you interrupt his violin playing when you’re being beaten by your deadbeat boyfriend with a switch.
-Mob bosses in Ukraine actually have hearts of gold.
-When someone says that they’re Santa Claus, you should cut their ear off with a box cutter.

Final Take:

3 stars. Better than average. Nothing special, but it wasn’t boring and it kept things moving. Plus, JCVD with a crossbow and a samurai sword is a nice touch.

 

25
May
18

Freaks of Nature

FreaksOfNature

Date Watched: 05/24/2018

Starring: Keegan Michael Key, Denis Leary, Patton Oswalt, Bob Odenkirk

Plot: In the town of Dillford, humans, vampires and zombies were all living in peace – until the alien apocalypse arrived. Now three teenagers – one human, one vampire, and one zombie – have to team up to figure out how to get rid of the visitors.

Rules

  • Riblets
  • Zombie/Vampire tropes
  • “Dillford”
  • “Brains”
  • Alien Spaceship

Quotes

  • “Not everything in your life is under your control.  Sometimes you vink at them and they don’t vink back.”
  • “Come on, man, for the love of shit!”
  • “I would love to chain all of them to their lockers, in a manner that would make sure they would not escape.  Then just roll sticks of dynamite, like old fashioned dynamite, down the hall and blow up the school.  And then I’d spare a couple of faculty, not this mother-fucker… I should fucking eat you!”
  • “Call me swiss cheese ’cause I’m holy”
  • “I know you’re thinking about killing yourself, and I don’t blame you.  Just wait to see if you get better.  If you don’t get better, go for it.”
  • “Leading cause of puff tongue.”
  • “Insurance is for suckers.”
  • “Thank you for being so understanding, but in this case, you’re not understanding correctly.”
  • “He just put some intestines back, and took different intestines.  What the fuck does it matter?”
  • “The Dillford Shitter…It’s him!”
  • “We have to have family yoga on Saturdays.  A lot of families do that.”
  • “FYI, my dick’s bigger than yours.”
  • “I thought you shit yourself at your piano recital.”  –  “It was a bag week.”
  • “Why does he think he has the brains?  He doesn’t even seem to have any language skills.”
  • “Give him the high cheese, Daggy!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This is a vastly different movie from the first half”

Things We Learned

  • Kids don’t go in the teachers’ lounge.
  • Zombies get smarter when deprived of brains.
  • Ned has a huge hog.
  • Vampires can put protect themselves with sunscreen.
  • Aliens can’t see you if you’re naked.
  • Organic cotton is no different from skin.
  • Zombies disguise themselves as doctors.

Final Take: This movie was not bad.  The beginning was great, the middle was pretty boring, but the end did a good job of taking it home.  Worth a watch.

10
May
18

Vengeance: A Love Story (2017)

Vengeance

Date Watched: 5/10/18

Plot: A gulf war veteran seeks vengeance against those who assaulted a single mother.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Nic Cage, Don Johnson

Rules:
-Gorgeous ladies all over Nic Cage
-Nic Cage throwing or beating people up
-Every time Don Johnson is silver tongued
-Nic Cage at the falls

Quotes:

“His cousin’s a plumber, always buying his wife that expensive jewelry and sh%t.”
From the priest, “A gang rape in the city park, that’s bad for business.”
“Raising two kids is the same as raising one, that’s why a woman’s got two t&ts.”

Viewer Quotes:
“Enough of this. Nic Cage needs to start killing people.”
“Is there going to be like 5 min of Nic Cage exacting justice?”

Things we Learned:
15 people can drink 5 kegs.
At 54, Nic Cage is still holding out for a daughter.

Final Take:

This should have been much better.  It had all of the ingredients for success, including of course a fired up Nic Cage, and Don Johnson as a slimy antihero.  The movie squandered all of that promise by limiting the Nic Cage rage time and amping up  the unnecessarily graphic rape scene.  Also, the entire town and judicial system turning against this poor mom was a big turnoff.  There are other much better Cage movies out there that are more deserving of your time.

27
Apr
18

Tremors 5: Bloodlines

Tremors 5 - Bloodlines [DVD]

Viewing Date: 4/26/18

Starring: Michael Gross, Jamie Kennedy

Plot:  The stakes are raised for survivalist, Burt Gummer (Michael Gross) in his most dangerous monster hunt yet. When Gummer’s hired to capture a deadly Ass-blaster terrorizing South Africa, he and his new sidekick Travis Welker (Jamie Kennedy) engage in a battle of survival against the fiercely aggressive Ass-blasters and Graboids. Discovering the monsters have evolved into even more lethal creatures, their killer mission takes on a whole new level of unseen terror–far more than they bargained for (via IMDB).

Rules

  • Say “Grabboids”, “Ass Blasters”, “Shriekers”
  • Remember the house rules- creature vision, mustaches, stock footage, dismemberments- and you’ll be fine.

Quotes

“If you have ass blasters, you have graboids.”

“You’re just another pimple here on the ass of progress.”

(Drinking urine) “Definitely an acquired taste.”

“This is a bag of dicks.” (assessment of a bad situation)

Viewer Quotes

“Man he looks old.”  “Which one?”  “Well, both of them, but Jamie Kennedy looks terrible.”

“I never thought I’d say this, but Michael Gross greatly outshines Jamie Kennedy.”

“Father son?  How did we not see this coming?”

“When he made Son of Mask, do you think he knew he would be Son of Tremors?”