Bad Movie Thursday

Date Watched: 03/12/2020

Starring: Dexter look-a-like

Plot: After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime. And ninjas.

Rules

• Weird Close-ups
• Turning into dinosaur
• Continuity breaks
• Franky Mermaid references
• Punk Music
• “Dragon Warrior”
• Memory montages

Quotes

• Yo, Jerry, if you stuffed dicks in your mouth like you do that sandwich, I’d be a fucking millionaire by now!
• “Touch not, thy sinning hands, Jezebel!”
• “You think I like turning tricks for college?  There’s surprisingly low demand for hooker doctor lawyers.”
• “Listen, Padre… Franky Fucking Mermaid smokes wherever he fucking wants because his life is on fiiiirrreeeeee.”
• “I don’t know much about God.”  –  “I don’t know much about dinosaurs.”
• “Father Stewart, what if I told you I was different?”  –  “You’re not that different.  There are plenty of men like that in the church.”
• “Now the  hounds of hell are truly loose.  What have I done?”
• “I believe in a higher power, but praying right now will never save…. … … … … …….your liiiiiiivvvvesssss!”
• “Do you have any last words….velocipastor?”  –  “Only 6…. I think my hand is immune.  Gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Viewer Quotes

• “This movie’s only an hour and 15 minutes.”  –  “Yeah, but if feels like an hour and 25 minutes.”
• “How are they communicating?  They’re speaking two different languages.”
• “Is it just me, or has there been no dinosaurs for like 25 minutes?”

Things We Learned

• Turning into a dinosaur starts by feeling empty
• Nothing turns on a velocipastor like fighting ninjas.
• Dinosaurs can use the force.
• Velociraptors had a crazy hunch back.
• Hooker doctor lawyers are great in a fight against ninjas (for the most part)
• Ninjas feel really bad after killing the love interest.
• Most of the time you only partially turn into a velocipastor (just the hands)

Final Take: This was a good one.  It obviously wasn’t taking itself too seriously, but in the best way possible.  This movie knew when to go all in on the craziness and when to let its warts show.  I thoroughly enjoyed it from start to finish.

Viewing Date: 1/30/20

Starring: Eric Stoltz, Eddie Deezen, Linda Kerridge, Terry Kiser, Lyle Waggoner

Plot:  Evil Nerd Menlo wants to get revenge on some surfers by selling a bad batch of soda called Buzz Cola which turns people into mutant zombies. Its up to Jocko, Chuck, Bob and their surfer buddies to save the day.

Rules:

• Stock footage of surfing
• “Bow bow”
• “Tubes”
• Side-by-side scenes
• Gratuitous scenes- use your best judgement!

Quotes:

• “He must be from LA.” “Bow Bow.” “You’d have to be crazy to drink that stuff our dads call cola.”
• “Do you know how many brain surgeons, nuclear physicists, and Nobel laureates were surfers?  NONE.  We’re doing the world a favor.”
• “Look, wenches!”  “Are you girls available for dating?”
• “Those frogs must have kicked in.”
• “Kids, if I need any shit out of you, I’ll squeeze your heads.”
• “No human I know could eat like that…  and still surf.”

Viewer Quotes:

• “What kind of oil is that?”

What We Learned

• You can make a convertible quickly if you have a chainsaw
• Drinking cola and surfing is the American way.
• Zombies are good surfers
• Danny Elfman was in Oingo Boingo

Starring: Dan Hagerty, Julie Austin, Elf Mcgregor

Date Watched: 1/2/20

Plot: A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil Nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty, as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus, can save them.

Rules

• 80’s nostalgia (Star Wars sheets, Guns n Roses, etc)
• References to “The Forest”
• Dan Haggerty references being an ex-detective.
• Advanced: Dan Haggerty smoking a cigarette.  Normal:  Dan Haggerty not smoking a cigarette.

Quotes

• “I’m your fucking sister!”  –  “Yeah, but you’ve got fuckin’ big tits and I’m going to tell everyone I saw them.”
• “It was like a little man… like a ninja, only like a gremlin.”
• “Oral…Santa said oral.”
• “What happened to the beautiful youth of the day?  Don’t you believe in anything?”
• “If you could ignore their brutality, you would have to say they’re just a bunch of crackpots!”
• “What’s wrong?  Are we going to be alright?”  –  “No, Willie.  Gramps is a Nazi.”

Viewer Quotes

• “He’s brushing his teeth while smoking!”
• “Is there a sign that says grenades for mom?”
• “Isn’t this movie called Elves, plural?”

Things We Learned

• If you go in the woods, you lose your savings account that you lawfully earned yourself.
• How to get rid of a problem cat… drown it in the toilet in a pillow case.  Problem solved.
• When there is no more room in hell, the elves will walk the earth.

Final Take: This was definitely an underrated holiday gem.  From the godawful elf prop to the completely flat Dan Haggerty acting, it was an over the top 80’s slasher flick that somehow incorporated Christmas, Nazis, and the antichrist.  The filmmaker’s vision was a bit too grand for their skill, sure, but you can sure appreciate the chutzpah.

Viewing Date: 12/19/19

Starring: No one important

Plot

When a group of friends discover ancient elves locked in a cursed chest, they unknowingly unleash their wrath on the world. (via imdb)

Rules

• Creepy elf doll appears
• Elf face
• “The naughty list”

Quotes

• “Snort it.  Snort it all”
• “This is like that movie ‘Truth or Dare’ but with Snapchat filters”
• “Be naughty.  Have a drink.”

Viewer Quote

• “This is a movie that is three separate, terrible movies cobbled together.”
• “Always Be Cobbling.”

What we learned

• The children’s section of a public library is a good place for adults to meet up and watch the local news on a laptop.
• The elf rules are unclear and don’t seem to mean anything. You do what the elf says, you still die.
• You don’t have to be an old person to be in an old folks home (in this town)

Final Take

This movie had it all: creepy dolls that possessed people to kill others or themselves, an ancient curse that was somehow connected to the first Christmas and the three kings, Krampus (or someone dressed up as Krampus?) killing people, and other random killers terrorizing old folks and their peers.  The issue was that none of these plot elements seemed to tie back to each other or make any sense whatsoever.  It felt like either there were 30 minutes cut out of the movie that tied it all together, or these were actually three or four separate movies that they tried to combine and see if anyone noticed.  Either way, it was absolutely dreadful film making.  It would have been more enjoyable- even as a bad movie- if they had just stuck with one story line and saw it through.  Once again, we got what we asked for.

Last thought:  If the movie poster (shown above) wasn’t included on Amazon Prime where we found the movie, there’s no way we would have thought we were watching the same movie.  Let us count the issues:

1. “He’s back and he brought some friends.”  Who is he, and where is he back from?  This is not a sequel (that we are aware of at least), and there wasn’t even a single “evil” elf that was masterminding this burning pile of trash.  Multiple dolls / elves / whatever, were not seen together in the entire movie.
2. The elves didn’t wield knives or other weapons, nor did they do any of the killing.  They simply suggested through notes (typically on ornaments), for others to do the killing or other “naughty” deed.  They didn’t even walk or move on camera, other than possibly some facial expression changes…
3. The movie title “Elves”.  I’m not even sure if the dolls / spirits / whatever were even referred to as Elves the entire movie.  I could have missed it though if they were- can’t say I was paying close attention.

Date Watched: 10/24/19

Starring: Nic Cage, Lawrence Fishurne, Berry Piper, A. Blonde Girl

Plot: Drugs + Nic Cage = a part he was born to play.  Something is going on with a bunch of cocaine killing people.  Lots of plot threads barely come together, requiring a bit more attention than you are likely willing to pay.

Rules

• Any text on screen.
• Stupid Indiana Jones maps
• References to ‘Cartagena’
• People doing coke
• References to Washington State

Quotes

• “Sometimes my genitals are very hard to control.”
• “Alright, wrigley…why don’t you get out and look for your phone.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Did he say genitals, or generals?”
• “When you run with the devil, you get the horns?”
• “If you can see the ground, you probably don’t need snowshoes.”

Things We Learned

• Buy drugs at the source, it will be a fraction of the price.
• Cops can take their suspects custody and torture them for days.
• Nic Cage cannot die.
• Don’t It’s ok to take the service elevator with a known killer.

Final Take: Very unfulfilling movie.  Didn’t relate to any of the characters.  I don’t know whether I was rooting for the drug dealers or the police.  It wasn’t quite dumb enough or smart enough to really register on too many levels.  Not over-the-top enough, either.  I can’t recommend this one.