Archive for the 'Rules' Category

17
Aug
17

Flying Monkeys (2013)

flying monkeys

Date Watched: 8/17/2017

Starring: No One

Plot: Teenager, Joan gets more than she bargained for when her workaholic dad buys her a cute pet monkey who grows wings, fangs, and an insatiable thirst for blood come nightfall. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Clichés
  • Regular Monkeys
  • Wizard of Oz references
  • Say “Monkey”

Quotes:

  • “If you’re going to bite me, I’m going to kill you.”
  • “It seems like you got a lot of birds here. You got mostly birds?”
  • “Now you got a monkey, how am I going to compete with that?”
  • “We’re looking for a monkey that recently flew to America.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “He didn’t have a buyer for this crazy monkey?”
  • “Sorry I’ve never been there for you, here’s a monkey.”
  • “Thanks creepy Dad with your giant chin.”

Things We Learned:

  • The way to redeem yourself when you’ve been a deadbeat dad is to buy your daughter a monkey.
  • The full moon brings out the flying monkey.
  • Monkeys get to be a lot bigger when they become murderous flying monkeys.
  • In Texas, even the nerds drive big trucks.

Final Take:  Great ideas and set up, but this movie ultimately felt like a SyFy Channel movie with not enough gore and gruesomeness.  This movie should have pushed the limits, instead it held back, and therefore we can’t really recommend it.

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01
Jun
17

Kindergarten Cop 2 (2016)

kindergarten cop 2

Date Watched: 6/1/2017

Starring: Dolph Lundgren and Bill Bellamy

Plot: Assigned to recover sensitive stolen data, a gruff FBI agent goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher, but the school’s liberal, politically correct environment is more than he bargained for. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “pineapple”
  • Seattle/Tacoma landmarks
  • Kids say supposedly funny things

Quotes:

  • “What is this… pineapple?” (spoken in a Russian accent)
  • “This machine owes me a goddamn Twix bar.”
  • “I’m incredibly magnanimous.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This is an awfully long set up for a movie that everyone knows exactly where it is going.”
  • “Of course the other kindergarten teacher looks like a pron star w/ glasses.”
  • “Is this supposed to be a comedy?”

Things We Learned:

  • The FBI headquarters looks exactly like a school.
  • The FBI works exactly like the local police precinct.
  • Dolph Lundgren stays in shape through line dancing.

Final Take:  It was ok.  It took way too long to get anywhere, and it had none of the charming crappiness or energy of the original.

27
Apr
17

The Perfect Weapon (2016)

Perfect Weapon

Date Watched: 4/27/2017

Starring: Steven Seagal and the bad guy from “Kindergarten Cop”

Plot: In the not so distant future, society is controlled by the powerful State and a dictator known as the Director. Condor works as a hitman for the State, but a reunion with someone he thought was dead forces him to consider who his enemies really are.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Seagal wearing stupid sunglasses
  • Seagal taking off stupid sunglasses (2 drinks)
  • Someone says “the State”
  • Killing people with a single blow

Quotes:

  • “They watch us through those things!”  (Said as he shoots the TV.)
  • “There he is, the legenadry Condor.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “I can’t tell who’s fighting who.”
  • “It’s a good thing that woman just casually walked into the men’s bathroom.”
  • “Once you make a man’s head explode, there’s no going back.”
  • “I’m not sure what happened, but it seemed pretty stupid.”

Things We Learned:

  • Strip clubs in the future have hula hoops and shiny things.
  • The Bad Movie Thursday gang would rather go to dinner with Seagal over Van Damme, and Gary Busey over Seagal.
  • Cardboard boxes offer great protection against bullets.
  • Handsprings make you invulnerable to gunfire.
  • When you’re on the run, your own home isn’t the best place to hide.

Final Take:  Pretty forgettable, but the production value was decent, and it wasn’t boring.  You could do a lot worse than this.  I would say that hearing the word “Condor” over and over again made us wish that we were watching “Condorman” instead.

23
Feb
17

Druids aka The Gaul (2001)

Druids Picture

Date Watched: 2/23/17

Starring: Christopher “There can be only one” Lambert

Plot:

An entire nation’s destiny lies in the hands of one man.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Silly Hats
  • Stupid Place Names
  • Stupid Hair

Quotes:

  • “Now, kick me in the ass.”
  • “Your incomprehensible talking does not help me.”
  • “Between a boy and a girl, I should be something different.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Why is Christopher Lambert still playing a young man?  Maybe at 50 that time is over.”
  • “I miss the days that you can throw food at someone without repercussion.”
  • “This movie feels like a fever dream.”
  • “Is that character’s name vas deferens?”
  • “I think this is like a 4 hour script and they picked scenes out at random to film.”
  • “We could just turn this movie off right now and my life would be better for it.”

Things We Learned:

  • Christopher Lambert can grow a mustache at any time and in any scene.
  • Graham only falls asleep during one movie = Druids.

Final Take:

This movie is a slog to get through.  I have no idea what this movie was about.  Halfway through the movie I started googling information to find out when Twins 2: Triplets would be released.  This nonsensical gibberish is not worth it.  Stay away.

29
Dec
16

Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)

Silent Night

Date Watched: 12/29/16

Starring: Santa as you’ve never seen him before

Plot:

After his parents are murdered, a tormented teenager goes on a murderous rampage dressed as Santa, due to his stay at an orphanage where he was abused by the Mother Superior.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Christmas”
  • Every time there’s a radio announcement
  • Terrible music
  • Characters looking off into the distance
  • Billy says “naughty” or “punishment”
  • Awesome 80’s toys

Quotes:

  • “What about you boy?  You been good all year?”
  • “It’s over.  Time to get sh$tfaced!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Is that a hairy ass that we’re looking at?”
  • “This is how all my office Christmas parties end.”
  • “The best place to party is the toy store on Christmas Eve.”
  • “Two ball in the corner pocket.”  (Said as guy lays baby sitter down on a pool table for love makin’.)

What We Learned:

  • Santa Claus doesn’t give coal.  He punishes the naughty.

Final Take:

Not bad.  This was a good holiday Thursday movie that got us in the Xmas spirit.  We’re curious to see how the other movies in this series turn out.

03
Nov
16

Stiches (2012)

Stitches

Date Watched: 11/3/16

Plot: A clown comes back from the dead to haunt those who took his life during a fatal party mishap.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Clown honking
  • Clown hallucinations
  • Say “Stiches”

Quotes:

  • “Give me my dick back”
  • “If you saw a girl’s gash you’d probably put plaster on it.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “He’s going to be like super baked when this dead clown comes to kill everybody.”

Things We Learned:

  • A clown that doesn’t finish a party can never truly rest in peace
  • When a person becomes a clown they have to paint themselves on an egg
  • Every good party ends with a dead clown
  • A clown foam nose can be taken off and sniff out victims
  • Clowns kill cats by counting out each life as it ends
01
Jul
16

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs (2015)

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs Poster

Date Watched: 6/30/15

Plot: After an accidental explosion at a local mine, dinosaurs emerge from the rubble to terrorize a small western town. Now, a group of gunslingers must defend their home if anyone is going to survive in a battle of cowboys versus dinosaurs.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Eric Roberts in a role that time forgot

Rules:

-Cowboy clichés

-Dinosaurs eating people

-Girls in bikinis

-Montana scenic shots

-Eric Roberts vomits

Quotes:

“Apparently he was attacked by a wild animal last night.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a bear claw.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a fossil.”

“That ain’t no mountain lion.”

After the dinosaurs jump out of the hole in the ground… “I think we’re too late.”

“You made your bed and now you can die in it.”

“You’re history.”

Viewer Quotes:

“That cowboy is totally going to order a coffee and a pecan pie.”

“Those are totally Montana skanks.”

“Can you still drink in the car in Montana?”

To the miners on their way to into the mine… “Are those the dwarves on their way to work?  Hi ho, hi ho.”

Things We Learned:

Velociraptors love to jump in the water to eat people.

Dinosaurs are attracted to propane tanks.

The best place to hide from a dinosaur attack is the washing machine at the laundry mat.

Dinosaurs will not eat horses even if they are right there.

Final Take:

This was pretty much generic Syfy fodder if you’re in the mood for that sort of thing.  I’m not quite sure what attracted Eric Roberts to this particular role.  I would think that if I was brought a script that had me puking my guts out for half of my time on camera, I might pass.  On second thought, I totally get it, and I would have done it too.