Archive for the 'Rules' Category

27
Apr
17

The Perfect Weapon (2016)

Perfect Weapon

Date Watched: 4/27/2017

Starring: Steven Seagal and the bad guy from “Kindergarten Cop”

Plot: In the not so distant future, society is controlled by the powerful State and a dictator known as the Director. Condor works as a hitman for the State, but a reunion with someone he thought was dead forces him to consider who his enemies really are.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Seagal wearing stupid sunglasses
  • Seagal taking off stupid sunglasses (2 drinks)
  • Someone says “the State”
  • Killing people with a single blow

Quotes:

  • “They watch us through those things!”  (Said as he shoots the TV.)
  • “There he is, the legenadry Condor.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “I can’t tell who’s fighting who.”
  • “It’s a good thing that woman just casually walked into the men’s bathroom.”
  • “Once you make a man’s head explode, there’s no going back.”
  • “I’m not sure what happened, but it seemed pretty stupid.”

Things We Learned:

  • Strip clubs in the future have hula hoops and shiny things.
  • The Bad Movie Thursday gang would rather go to dinner with Seagal over Van Damme, and Gary Busey over Seagal.
  • Cardboard boxes offer great protection against bullets.
  • Handsprings make you invulnerable to gunfire.
  • When you’re on the run, your own home isn’t the best place to hide.

Final Take:  Pretty forgettable, but the production value was decent, and it wasn’t boring.  You could do a lot worse than this.  I would say that hearing the word “Condor” over and over again made us wish that we were watching “Condorman” instead.

23
Feb
17

Druids aka The Gaul (2001)

Druids Picture

Date Watched: 2/23/17

Starring: Christopher “There can be only one” Lambert

Plot:

An entire nation’s destiny lies in the hands of one man.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Silly Hats
  • Stupid Place Names
  • Stupid Hair

Quotes:

  • “Now, kick me in the ass.”
  • “Your incomprehensible talking does not help me.”
  • “Between a boy and a girl, I should be something different.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Why is Christopher Lambert still playing a young man?  Maybe at 50 that time is over.”
  • “I miss the days that you can throw food at someone without repercussion.”
  • “This movie feels like a fever dream.”
  • “Is that character’s name vas deferens?”
  • “I think this is like a 4 hour script and they picked scenes out at random to film.”
  • “We could just turn this movie off right now and my life would be better for it.”

Things We Learned:

  • Christopher Lambert can grow a mustache at any time and in any scene.
  • Graham only falls asleep during one movie = Druids.

Final Take:

This movie is a slog to get through.  I have no idea what this movie was about.  Halfway through the movie I started googling information to find out when Twins 2: Triplets would be released.  This nonsensical gibberish is not worth it.  Stay away.

29
Dec
16

Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)

Silent Night

Date Watched: 12/29/16

Starring: Santa as you’ve never seen him before

Plot:

After his parents are murdered, a tormented teenager goes on a murderous rampage dressed as Santa, due to his stay at an orphanage where he was abused by the Mother Superior.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Christmas”
  • Every time there’s a radio announcement
  • Terrible music
  • Characters looking off into the distance
  • Billy says “naughty” or “punishment”
  • Awesome 80’s toys

Quotes:

  • “What about you boy?  You been good all year?”
  • “It’s over.  Time to get sh$tfaced!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Is that a hairy ass that we’re looking at?”
  • “This is how all my office Christmas parties end.”
  • “The best place to party is the toy store on Christmas Eve.”
  • “Two ball in the corner pocket.”  (Said as guy lays baby sitter down on a pool table for love makin’.)

What We Learned:

  • Santa Claus doesn’t give coal.  He punishes the naughty.

Final Take:

Not bad.  This was a good holiday Thursday movie that got us in the Xmas spirit.  We’re curious to see how the other movies in this series turn out.

03
Nov
16

Stiches (2012)

Stitches

Date Watched: 11/3/16

Plot: A clown comes back from the dead to haunt those who took his life during a fatal party mishap.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Clown honking
  • Clown hallucinations
  • Say “Stiches”

Quotes:

  • “Give me my dick back”
  • “If you saw a girl’s gash you’d probably put plaster on it.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “He’s going to be like super baked when this dead clown comes to kill everybody.”

Things We Learned:

  • A clown that doesn’t finish a party can never truly rest in peace
  • When a person becomes a clown they have to paint themselves on an egg
  • Every good party ends with a dead clown
  • A clown foam nose can be taken off and sniff out victims
  • Clowns kill cats by counting out each life as it ends
01
Jul
16

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs (2015)

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs Poster

Date Watched: 6/30/15

Plot: After an accidental explosion at a local mine, dinosaurs emerge from the rubble to terrorize a small western town. Now, a group of gunslingers must defend their home if anyone is going to survive in a battle of cowboys versus dinosaurs.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Eric Roberts in a role that time forgot

Rules:

-Cowboy clichés

-Dinosaurs eating people

-Girls in bikinis

-Montana scenic shots

-Eric Roberts vomits

Quotes:

“Apparently he was attacked by a wild animal last night.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a bear claw.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a fossil.”

“That ain’t no mountain lion.”

After the dinosaurs jump out of the hole in the ground… “I think we’re too late.”

“You made your bed and now you can die in it.”

“You’re history.”

Viewer Quotes:

“That cowboy is totally going to order a coffee and a pecan pie.”

“Those are totally Montana skanks.”

“Can you still drink in the car in Montana?”

To the miners on their way to into the mine… “Are those the dwarves on their way to work?  Hi ho, hi ho.”

Things We Learned:

Velociraptors love to jump in the water to eat people.

Dinosaurs are attracted to propane tanks.

The best place to hide from a dinosaur attack is the washing machine at the laundry mat.

Dinosaurs will not eat horses even if they are right there.

Final Take:

This was pretty much generic Syfy fodder if you’re in the mood for that sort of thing.  I’m not quite sure what attracted Eric Roberts to this particular role.  I would think that if I was brought a script that had me puking my guts out for half of my time on camera, I might pass.  On second thought, I totally get it, and I would have done it too.

12
Jul
14

Hellbinders (2009)

Hellbinders

Date Watched: 6/19/14

Starring: Darth Maul

Plot:

A supernatural battle for souls plays out on the streets with lots of guns and knives. (From IMDB)

Rules:

Weird comic book crap

References to the Knights Templar

People talking in a demon voice

Vomiting demons out of mouths or demon possession

Radical and/or knarly stunts

References to the devil

Quotes:

“Kill them all, that’s my motto anyway.”

“I didn’t come here for a lecture, priest.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Can you really tell when a Japanese actor is acting badly?”… “Yes, in this movie you can.”

“What is this?  Willy Wonka’s factory?”

“Who knew Darth Maul had such a potty mouth.”

“He kind of looks like the evil Jimmy Kimmel.”

“He keeps having pancakes w/ ketchup, that’s step one of his failure.”

Things We Learned:

White people become Japanese when they wear dark eyeliner.

It takes several days to paint a pentagram.

If you are in a coma you can lose your soul.

A cast full of stuntmen are not good actors.

Final Take:

Not a bad little movie with a cheap budget.  I don’t know why Darth Maul is slumming it in this movie, but I guess that’s what you get after starring with Jar Jar.  

12
Jul
14

Dead in Tombstone (2013)

Dead in Tombstone

Date Watched: 5/29/14

Starring: Danny Trejo, Anthony Michael Hall, Mickey Rourke

Plot:

A gang overruns a small mining town murdering their own leader Guerrero (Trejo) in a cold-blooded power grab. Sentenced to eternity in hell he finds himself confronted by Satan himself (Rourke), offering a daring proposition: deliver the six souls of his former gang and he will escape damnation. With time running out, he sets out on a brutal rampage to avenge his own death. (From IMDB)

Rules:

-Gun close ups

-Mention of god or the devil

-Say “hermano” or “brother”

-Show clocks

Quotes:

“Maybe we should stick around… get some putas.”

“I’m Jesus H Christ in this town.”

“We killed you.”  Response: “No, this is how you kill someone.”

“The lawman’s wench, she will be the end of you.”

Viewer Quotes:

“How do you know who the chick in Starship Troopers actual name is?”

“That is a vision of hell… having Mickey Rourke chew on your fingers.”

“After a year of being a corpse, his skin would slide off just like a Papa Johns pizza.”

Things We Learned:

-Mickey Rourke is Lucifer

-The devil makes his own rules.

Final Take:

Ho-hum.