Archive for the 'Rules' Category

03
Feb
22

Yor:  The Hunter from the Future (1983)

Date watched: 2/3/22

Starring: Reb Brown (nominated for a Razzie for this role)

Plot: A warrior seeks his true origins in a seemingly prehistoric wasteland. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Theme song being played
  • Dinosaurs
  • Say “Yor”
  • Old man shoots his arrow
  • Rocks that look like penises

Quotes:

  • “Yor’s different than other guys.”
  • “DAMN talking box!”

Viewer Quotes:                                   

  • “Is he from the future even though he looks like He-Man?”
  • “Is that a Triceratops crossed with a Stegosaurus… a Tristegatops?”
  • “There’s no monogamy in cave man days.”
  • “They should reboot this franchise.”  “No!”

Things we learned:

  • The best way to kill a Tristegatops is with an axe.
  • It’s hard to hide a boner wearing a loin cloth.  Wait, we already knew that from years ago.
  • Bad guys in the olden days wore purple paint on their faces.
  • Yor is good at being captured.
  • A generous man does what his heart commands.

Final Take:

This movie really had it all. It’s hard to believe that the movie at the end was the same movie that we started with. For most of the run time, we had no idea where the “Hunter from the Future” tagline came from. Then all of the sudden the Darth Vader clones showed up. (Actually, they kind of look more like Dark Helmet.) According to IMDB, this was originally an Italian miniseries that ran 200 minutes and was split into four parts. Now, condensed into one 90 minute movie, it operates as somewhat of a weird fever dream. If it were rated “R” and just went all out with the gore and craziness it would be a lot better. As it stands, it’s just kind of weird and tame.

16
Dec
21

Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (1983)

Date watched: 12/16/21

Starring: Molly Ringwald, Peter Strauss, Michael Ironside, Ernie Hudson

Plot: On a distant planet inhabited by mutants, two bounty-hunters race to rescue three Earth female captives from the clutches of an evil mutant warlord. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Bad special effects
  • Says “Chalmers”
  • Say “Overdog”
  • Wolff uses his gun

Quotes:

  • “Make it eat dirt, Chalmers.”
  • “Hey wait! I know where to buy clean skav women.”
  • “I never said I wouldn’t eat dog.  I just said I wouldn’t eat it much.”
  • “Good breeding man.  I’ll bet breeding with him would kill him.  I’ll take that bet.”
  • “What do those skrotbags want?”

Viewer quotes:

  • “Wow! It’s got Ernie Hudson.  And Michael Ironside!”
  • “Is her hair wet or just grossly slicked back?”
  • “This reminds me of shower night at our house.”
  • “Are these singing little people?”

Things we learned:

  • Hang gliders are the best way to kidnap women.
  • The best way to deal with customs is to kill them.

Final Take:

This movie scared me as a child. Now… not so much. It flies by, and there really isn’t a lot to it. It certainly fits the bill as a terrible Star Wars knockoff. Cheesy and harmless, it’s worth a look.

04
Nov
21

Thrashin’ (1986)

Date Watched: 11/4/21

Starring: Thanos aka Josh Brolin

Plot:

Two skateboarding gangs battle each other for supremacy, and a member of one gang falls in love with the sister of his rival. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Skater tricks
  • Skater lingo
  • Product Placement

Quotes:

  • “Rad”
  • “Gnarly”
  • “That’s Hungarian for fast car”
  • “I hope you don’t get laid!”
  • Q: “What do you guys do?”… A: “Thrash”
  • “That wild Indian picture happens to be stylin'”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “There are no shits given with this movie.”
  • “That rattail is disgusting!”
  • “I played this level on Tony Hawk.”

Things We Learned:

  • The Red Hot Chili Peppers started out playing random 80’s skateboarding clubs.
  • The best way to fuck up a skateboarder in a downhill competition is to throw jacks into their path and no one will notice.
  • Geez aka Mr. Cliff invented skateboarding.
  • The best way to come to a job interview is with your shirt open.

Final Take:

This movie was actually really enjoyable and way better than I thought it would be. It was entertaining from start to finish and did a great job highlighting the absurdity of the 80’s. I’d highly recommend it if you’re looking for a cheesy 80’s movie.

16
Sep
21

Warrior Queen (1987)

Date Watched: 9/16/21

Starring: Donald Pleasance

Plot: In ancient Pompeii, slaves are bought and sold for household chores and sex. A mysterious queen moves among the elite, while secretly helping the slaves to escape.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Say “Pompeii”
  • Stupid long white fans (aka a Flabellum or Flabella for plural)
  • Volcanoes
  • Strange competitions

Quotes:

  • “Give me Money!”
  • “Have some pig, pig.”
  • “Veneria, you’ve become a pathetic old whore.”
  • “That’s my disgusting wife.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • After a guy gets his eyes poked out, “Bet he didn’t see that coming.”
  • “Gladiator totally ripped this off.”
  • “Veneria, is that like a venereal disease (in regards to the character’s name)?”

Things We Learned:

  • Men can keep their underwear on when they get hanged upside down but women cannot.
  • Romans did backwards arm wrestling with a poison spike.

Final Take:

This movie is a bit hard to rate.  On the one hand, it’s an absolute cinematic car crash worth seeing for its absolute ineptitude on every level.  We had no idea what was going on for most of the movie.  There was a Warrior Queen?  Really?  There were also several odd competitions like we were watching an early Roman addition of Survivor.  And, everything culminates into a virtual medley of stock footage volcanoes erupting.  The real problem with this movie (in terms of making it watchable as a BMT movie) is that it’s so mean spirited.  It’s not really fun, and I would highly recommend watching something like Deathstalker 2 instead that’s somewhat similar to this.

29
Jul
21

Escape Plan 2: Hades (2018)

Date watched: 7/29/21

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Dave Bautista, Xiaoming Huang (really the star of the movie), 50 cent (no vitamin water seen in the movie), kid from Desperate Housewives,  Amos from the Expanse

Plot: Years after he fought his way out of an inescapable prison, Ray Breslin has organized a new top-notch security force. But when one of his team members goes missing, Breslin must return to the hell he once escaped from. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Algorithm”
  • Say “1764”
  • Product placement
  • Say “All prisoners return to your spoke”

Quotes:

  • “I need you to kick my ass.”
  • “Turns out the doctor is a lamp stand.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This movie feels a lot like Major League Soccer.  The league’s in China and we send them all of our aging stars out for one last paycheck.”
  • “Sly looks like he’s wearing a wax mask…  Or a Reagan mask.”

Things We Learned:

  • There’s an algorithm you can use to deal with terrorist extractions… but never trust it.
  • The best way to share confidential information is on sticky notes.
  • The best way to build an inescapable prison is to have one that rotates.  But it doesn’t matter, as Sly will find a way out.

Final Take:

This was pretty silly and painless.  It’s certainly not a classic, but it went down easy.  (Much like Coors Light on a boat on the lake in the summer while listening to Michael McDonald.) 

04
Feb
21

Dealthstalker 2 (1987)

Date watched: 2/4/21

Plot: Princess Evie of Jzafir is deposed by an evil sorcerer and his dangerous ally. Reena the Seer enlists the aid of the renowned hero Deathstalker to battle the forces of evil, including a clone of the princess, and win back her kingdom. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Pigman is on the screen.
  • Say “Deathstalker”.
  • Cartoon sound effects.
  • Character sees into the future or does magic.
  • Spit takes.

Quotes:

  • “Stalker, is that your sword, or are you just happy to see me?”
  • “The top half of you might think it’s the wrong time, but the bottom half of you knows it’s the right place.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Quite the outfits.  Looks like a kid’s birthday party.”
  • “Oh good, Pigman’s back.”
  • “How much cocaine was done while shooting this movie?”

Things We Learned:

  • The Prince of Thieves is really Dealthstalker not Robin Hood.
  • The best way to sneak up on someone from behind is to yell really loud.
  • You can stab someone in a faraway land through a bubbling witch’s brew.

Final Take:

This movie was a lot of stupid fun, and it seemed like the cast and crew had a great time making it. Both leads are surprisingly engaging for schlock like this. You might need to bring some Triscuits for cheese like this, but this was an awesome Bad Movie Thursday film.

29
Oct
20

Bloody Bloody Bible Camp (2012)

Date watched: 10/29/20

Starring: People who are in a lot of terrible movies.

Plot: A group of Christian teens visit the Happy Day Bible Camp, where in 1977 an earlier group of teens were punished for their sinful behavior by a sadistic nun. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • 70’s or 80’s references
  • References to sex
  • Closed Caption says “crickets chirping”
  • Character says “Sister Mary Chopper”

Quotes:

  • “We should probably go for guys that look like Jesus.”
  • “I’ll bet Sylvester Stallone has a big cannoli.”
  • “Back door’s always open for Jesus baby.”
  • “Bambi, you’re going to need to lick my rusty star fish.”
  • “Jesus, please take my sinful boner away!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • Question: “Whats going on?”  Response: “It’s 1977.”
  • “At bible camp they don’t really sing about licking nuts though.”
  • “That bush counts I think.”
  • “My grandmother called them Tallywackers.”
  • “Everybody just grab a loose weiner.”

Things we learned:

  • Kids at Bible Camp are actually in their 40’s.
  • Toothless inbreds don’t take kindly to out of towners.
  • Tad is rad.
  • Jesus is cool with wine coolers.

Final Take:

I personally was pretty fond of this movie, although I don’t know that the rest of the group liked it as much. It was funny and entertaining. According to IMDB, there is a sequel in the works, which I think would also make for a good BMT movie.

05
Dec
19

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014)

Kirk Cameron Saving Christmas

Date Watched: 12/5/19

Starring: Kirk Cameron and “Friends”

Plot: His annual Christmas party faltering thanks to his cynical brother-in-law, former Growing Pains star Kirk Cameron attempts to save the day by showing him that Jesus Christ remains a crucial component of the over-commercialized holiday. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Cocoa” or drink hot cocoa
  • Dubious history lessons
  • Mentions of the Bible
  • Kirk Cameron dropping “knowledge” (But it looks like he’s dropping a deuce)

 

Quotes:

  • “The things about stories is that they are tricky.”
  • “Where’s HO HO HO in the Bible?”

 

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This was definitely filmed on an iPhone camera.”
  • “Christmas is about elf worship.”
  • “Kirk Cameron is not the person to be knocking the rock.”
  • “Oh no, this movie is only going to take place in a car.”
  • “Is that Branden Fraser?  I really want it to be Brendan Fraser.”

 

Things We Learned:

  • Ska is so low right now that its in the main title sequence for this movie.
  • Bill on the couch doesn’t need help.
  • Santa Claus aka St. Nick beat people up who didn’t agree with him.
  • Presents are representative of the city of Jerusalem.

 

Final Take: Wow, this is really one for the ages.  I’m not sure that we can recommend it, but it is something to behold.  The movie boils down to two dudes talking in a car.  One of them proposes fairly logical questions, and the other uses completely nonsensical gibberish as a rebuttal.  This being Kirk Cameron’s movie, the gibberish wins out.  This “movie” is super short and mixes in a few other random scenes to make it over an hour in length, including a never ending final dance sequence.  I think we need to do a college symposium to really flush out everything that is wrong or confounding with what’s going on in this film.

 

22
Aug
19

Rampage (2018)

Rampage

Date Watched: 8/22/19

Starring: The Rock, 80’s video game monsters, Negan as basically Negan

Plot: When three different animals become infected with a dangerous pathogen, a primatologist and a geneticist team up to stop them from destroying Chicago.  (from IMDB.com)

Rules: 

-Video game references
-Sign language w/ monkeys
-Say Crsper
-Dumb radio signal to lure the monsters

Quotes:

-“Is it me, or is he considerably bigger?”
-“I need that wolf… dead or alive”
-“What are you, some sort of International Man of Mystery?”
-“David, there’s something big in the river.”… “Well, that sucks.”

Viewer Quotes:

-“Has the Rock ever been in an actual good movie?”
-“Wow, this is really just a bunch of nonsense.”

Things We Learned:

-Monkeys can give people the finger and knock the Rock (pun intended).
-Ruthless CEO has Rampage video game in her office in a movie about Rampage video game.
-Doctors have access to helicopters.  (And damaged helicopters can “float” down buildings as they crumble.)
-Getting shot in the gut is no big deal if you’re The Rock.  (Just remember to occasionally wince.)
-Wolves can fly.

Final Take:

Not too shabby for a BMT Movie.  It certainly was silly, but it did a decent job of tone and being entertaining.  I’m not sure what else you could ask for in a movie about three cartoon monsters that scale a building.

21
Feb
19

Robo Vampire 3 aka The Vampire is Still Alive aka Counter Destroy (1989)

Counter Destroy

Viewing Date: 2/21/19

Starring: No One

Plot: Joyce rents an old haunted home to pen her horror script, which releases an evil army of robot vampires, a knife-wielding demon and a battalion of otherworldly creatures (from IMDB).

Rules:
Something supernatural happens
Vampires
Abrupt scene changes

Quotes:
“Why man kill 2 beautiful girl.”
“I forgot to tell him we are the police.”
“You’re efficiency is extremely low. You’ve got to take some action now.”

Viewer Quotes:
“Why couldn’t they be in the bath together, shaving each other with a can of Barbasal.”
“Those are nice melons.”
“This is probably the most incoherent plot we’ve ever watched on a BMT.”

Things We Learned:
Rotary phones can kill.
The sacred bird can tell your fortune from sealed envelopes.
Vampires hop like rabbits.
The best way to kill someone is jumping over a car and slicing them with a putty knife.

Final Take:

Bad, and not in a good way.  We cannot recommend this movie, as it was a slog to get through.  Too bad.  There was a lot of potential here, but the mishmash of a bunch of other movies doesn’t work.




July 2022
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