Archive for August, 2013

30
Aug
13

Blood Rave / Trance

 trance-art

Viewing Date: 8/29/2013

Starring: Dominique Swain, Jeremy London, Madeline Zima (from Californication), Brea Grant (from Heroes)

Plot:  Sexy girls at a rave turn into bloodthirsty killers after taking a mysterious new drug. (from IMDB)

Rules:

  • Eyes change
  • Ravers take drugs
  • Rave interludes
  • Glowsticks
  • People getting killed

Quotes:

“What are you doing”  “I’m going to play Scrabble.”

“This is where the rich VIP are.” (as they walk through a disgusting alleyway)

“Where is everyone?” “The night is yet a screaming infant!”

“Are you like 100 thousand percent sure and positive?”

“My favorite sound?  The sound of glass on bone.”

Viewer Quotes:

 “Say something funny.  We need some viewer quotes.”  “I can’t.  There’s nothing worth talking about going on in this movie.”

“This reminds me of the time I took E in Scotland”

“‘You talk too fucking much?’ That sounds like Shelly on our first date.”

“Do you think they paid Jeremy London in money or buffett coupons?”

What We Learned:

  • Women can be weaponized (I guess we already knew this)
  • The government creates chemical weapons in the form of breath strips that not only turn the user into a murderous psychopath, but also gives superhuman strength
  • Only losers who won’t be missed by anyone go to raves (I guess we already knew this too)
  • Jeremy London has put on some serious lbs since Party of Five
  • The goverment sponsors potentially high profile chemical attacks on American teenagers 
  • If you make out with two women going by the names of ‘Sin’ and ‘Virtue’ for a long period of time, realize that eventually they are going to eat your penis
  • Movies that have multiple titles = terrible, terrible films.  Avoid at all costs.

Final Take:

Not recommended.  This movie started out very slowly and walked the line of us turning it off the whole time.  Some late gore and almost-recognizable actors attempted to redeem it, but no luck.  As mentioned in ‘what we learned’, if we can’t even find the movie on IMDB because they have retitled it, it’s probably for a reason (the producers are trying to cover their tracks).

23
Aug
13

The Time Guardian

Image

Date: 8/22/2013

Starring: Carrie Fisher, Al from Quantum Leap, and a bunch of Englishmen.

Plot 

In the distant future, the human race nears extinction.  Only the hardiest of people, Australians, have survived.  They live in a city that can apparently travel through time, propelled by the shear power of Al from Quantum Leap’s acting prowess.  Pursuing them through time are weird cyborg creatures.  There is no reason for these cyborg creatures to relentlessly chase them through time and space, only their apparent hatred of all things Aussie.

Rules

  • References to other Sci Fi Movies
  • “Spin”
  • Australian colloquialisms, “Mate”, “Crikey”, “Reckon”, “G’day”
  • Stupid future outfits (at your discretion)
  • Terrible quality music
  • “Time”
  • “Jendiki”

Quotes

  •  “These aren’t plumbers you can bribe to get your bathroom fixed overnight, lady.  They kill to live.”
  • “Triangulate the time spheres.”
  • “I come from the future.  From a city that travels in time.  It can land in any time zone.”
  • “He was a … what do you cal it .., feral child?”
  • “Ballard, the time guardian, has run out of time.”

Viewer Quotes

  •  “This music is so terrible.  It’s like video game music.”
  • “Is this 1988?  Why does that guy look like an old prospector?”
  • “These are such practical outfits.  Sawblades around the head.”
  • “This is 2000 years in the future.  Why is shit so similar?”
  • “Is the Coors Light train coming through?”
  • “Princess Leia is a 20th century expert?”
  • “They’re finding some kind of spheres?  What are these spheres?  Why haven’t we heard of them before?”
  • “Where did these time spheres come from?”
  • “Ballard’s got a Charlie Sheen haircut.”
  • “What’s the deal with this guy?  Is he the world’s biggest asshole?”  –  “Pretty much.  He peed his pants and now he’s reading comics.”
  • “That’s an adidas time sphere.”
  • “Even Carrie Fisher’s shirt has healed.”

Things We Learned

  • You can pull guns out of broken time spheres – but there is a cost.
  • Aborigines are in touch with time guardians.
  • There’s some kind of connection between the confederate south and Australia.
  • Lawmen in Australia are the most evil, corrupt people in the country.
  • Time Travelling cities need a flat piece of land to warp to.  Prairies or other naturally flat landscapes do not work.  They must flatten the land by hand and with earth movers.
  • Australia is a hotspot for time travelers.

Final Take 

What do you get when you cross Star Wars, Star Trek, Terminator, Mad Max, and Quantum Leap?  Kind of a mess.  This movie was mildly entertaining at times, but mostly hard to follow.  There’s no explanation for why these cyborgs are trying to chase this city through time.  If they have all of time and space at their command, isn’t there room enough for the both of them?  Not according to the cyborgs.  Also, the leading actors in the movie, Al from Quantum Leap and Carrie Fisher, have probably 10 minutes of screen time.  That’s a big red flag.  All in all, it’s probably not worth going out your way to see.

16
Aug
13

Spill / Virus

virus

Viewing Date: 8/15/2013

Starring: Brian Bosworth

Plot: A deadly biological agent is released into a national park because an inept truck driver crashes.  The Boz, playing the Presidential head of security, must rescue everyone using the power of football.

Rules

  • Football references
  • The Boz says “gentlemen”
  • The Boz says “game”
  • Hazmat suits
  • Someone sneezes
  • Boz vision (qualifies as ‘creature vision’)
  • Geyers erupting
  • Someone says “Fairchild”

 Quotes
“An egg?  What are you, a Wisenheimer?”

“If the mother had told me what was in the truck I never would have made the deal!”

“Turns you every-which color.  Gives you two or three assholes.  Some serious shit!”

“I’ve got 50.”  “It only takes one, sucker.”

“What if I were to say ‘stuff your politics’?”

Viewer Quotes

“Speechifying?  Is that a word?”

“It’s incredible it took that guiy so long to crash after popping pills and drinking all night.”

“All of the steroids in his system have made him immune to the pathogen.”

“Did she just call him ‘Boz’?”

“I like that phallic pumpkin there.”

“How did this movie get made?”  “Brian Bosworth thought it would resurrect his career.”

What We Learned

  • The Boz never could and never will be able to act.
  • Park Rangers carry assault rifles and become soldiers in events of biological weapon spills (the movie may have tried to explain this, but we choose to ignore)
  • Ontario, Canada looks nothing like Oregon (despite what the producers thought)
  • Motorcycle wheelies deflect bullets
  • Thermally heated water will kill all biological / viral agents
  • Having a cold will prevent you from being infected by deadly biological agents

Final Take

This movie was boring…. so boring.  Brian Bosworth plays himself, where instead of being a star college football player turned washed up actor, he is a star college football star turned head of secret service!  He meets a cowgirl with whom he has no absolutely no chemistry.  Luckily they are able to save the day together because they have a mild form of the common cold which renders them immume to a biological agent that is otherwise capable of killing within seconds.   An evil wing of the goverment will stop at nothing to cover up the spill- even if it means the head of the group wandering around in the wild shooting grenades at the Boz.  Sound entertaining?  It’s not.  There are about 45 minutes in the middle of this movie where the Boz and his crew are wandering around and absoutely nothing happens.  They have some meaningless dialogue.  Evil Park Rangers jump them.  It’s all terrible.

11
Aug
13

Sharknado

sharknado

Viewing Date: 7/18/2013

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid

Plot

When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature’s deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace (from IMDB.com).

Rules

  • People getting killed by sharks
  • Shark cam (house rule of “creature vision” applies, this is only a reminder)
  • Shark fin
  • Footage of a real shark is used
  • References to Jaws (drink 2)
  • Aussie guy says any stereotypical Aussie stuff (g’day, krikey, etc)

Quotes

“Sharks don’t like vegemite”

“It’s like Old Faithful!”  “We’ll need faith to get through that!!’

“Hey, I fell off a slide when I was two.  Hurt like hell….”

Viewer Quotes

“Hey baby, I’m a Chippendales dancer!”

“He’s all ‘Johnny Manziel’d’.”

“How many sharks does it take to eat a drunk guy?”

“Her (Tara Reid) face looks like a shiny piece of plastic.”

“It’s a sharter spout.”

“Scorpion avalanche!”

What We Learned

  • Sharks can flood houses and eventually make them explode
  • Sharks can travel through drains and sewers- really they can appear out of nowhere.
  • Sharks can climb ropes
  • Movie car rental places stay open during the worst storm in California’s history.  These rental cars have real nitro boosters included!
  • You can survive in a shark’s stomach for an extended amount of time.
  • It takes a propane bomb and a helicopter to kill a sharknado
  • Sharks have the accuracy of a tomahawk missile when airborne and always fly teeth-first.

Final Take

We actually watched a few minutes of Sharknado during the world premier on SyFy, but had no idea that it would become the big deal that it did, so we had to schedule the next Thursday for a viewing.  Did Sharknado live up to all the expectations?  Did it deserve all the press? Yes and no. This movie did truly hit a homerun as far as casting, and overall absurdity. It really had everything that we love here on BMT: washed up actors, horrible dialogue, bad special effects… So what’s not to like. Maybe it’s just me personally, but I can smell a SyFy Channel movie a mile a way, and even though this might be the cream of the crop, it still is a little off-putting. Something about the video quality, pacing, and how the CGI is cut into the scenes with the actors… But somehow it doesn’t completely feel like a real movie for me- more like a tv mini series or a Stargate spinoff.
Once past the SyFy hang-ups, this movie was quite entertaining, and had us laughing and engaged the whole time, so it was a win overall. Most of our enjoyment came from trying to come up with a movie to match the absurdity of Sharknado (how many viewers out there did the same?). We settled on “Scorpion Avalanche”- maybe “Scorp-valanche”. We had it casted, the plot set and how the climax was going to play out. I don’t know if any of us remember the details, but still no stealing this idea.

09
Aug
13

Executive Target (1997)

Executive Target

Date Watched: 8/8/13

Starring: Michael Madsen, Angie Everhart, Roy Scheider, Keith David

Plot:

A stunt driver (Michael Madsen) heading for prison on a minor charge is freed against his will by a terrorist gang. Then by kidnapping his wife, he is forced to drive a getaway car in a plot to kidnap the President from a motorcade. (From IMDB)

 

Rules:

-Airborne Cars

-Every time Angie Everhart says f%ck

-Car crash

-Michael Madsen adjusts his sunglasses

-Keith David wears a different sweater vest or says ass

 

Quotes:

“You’re Evil Knievil to us now muther  f%cker, now move!”

“What the hell is this… the Batcave.”

“Now do your job Mr. Stuntman and lose these assholes.”

“How can you do this… you’re an American.”

To a woman: “Now tell me that doesn’t  give you a hard on.”

 

Viewer Quotes:

“Michael Madsen is good.  He can walk around the streets of LA in a full orange prison jumpsuit and handcuffs and avoid detection.”

“He had the whole world in his hand being a Hollywood stunt driver.”

“I’m scared when Keith David asks me to play a game.  I hope it doesn’t involve ass-to-ass.”

“Just because he’s good at racing cars means he’s good at model cars.”

“I’m sure there’s nothing that a stunt driver likes more than an automatic transmission.”

 

What we learned:

Bad guys have partners just like cops that they have for years and care about.

Car crashes through camper tops are much cooler than normal.

The A-Team van is not only used by the A-Team, but also by washed up convict stuntmen for bank heists.

Angie Everhart stopped being hot sometime before 1997.

Top secret area “55” is somewhere in Los Angeles.

Evil bad guy generals can get off in situations where the movie just needs to end w/o a resolution.

Even in a make believe movie, Michael Madsen will get caught with an 18 year old girl and a bag full of blow.

 

Final Take:

There are some movies that are unforgettable like Star Wars or the Godfather, and there are some movies that you forget immediately after watching them like Captain America or Nottinghill, and then there are a few that you forget while actually watching them like Executive Target.  I think we were watching a movie about a bank heist?  And then there’s Roy Scheider  schlubbing as a do gooder President and an evil general?  Is this the same movie?  I think I missed something when I reached for another beer.

This movie sports an impressive budget and a number of explosions and flying cars, so I really can’t complain that much.  I just have no final take and no memory of even watching the movie.