Archive for July, 2013

12
Jul
13

America 3000

ImageDate Watched: 7/11/2013

Starring: Laurene Landon and Beastman

Plot: This movie supposedly takes place 900 years in the future after a nuclear war between the Mericans and Commies has decimated mankind.  In a crazy twist on the current state of affairs, war-like women now rule the world and keep men as slaves.  Will the infighting and jealousy of the ruling women be their undoing?  Will the pure hearts of the men grant them freedom from their oppressors?  Will someone please pick a better soundtrack for this movie?

Rules:

  • Whiplash noise
  • Woman punches man
  • Song starts that has nothing to do with the movie.
  • New word is translated for us.
  • Slow Motion
  • “Neggy” or “Plugot” <advanced rule>

Quotes:

  • “…and the world was woggos.” – “(In the old speak, that means crazy!”
  • “I went for the weps, he went for the eats.”
  • “Neggy more machos, neggy more toys.”  – “Neggy more seeders?”  – “Neggy more seeders!”
  • “Everything was going hot plastic.”
  • “Taste this.  It tastes cold woggos but it makes you feel hot plastic.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This is a coke-fueled disaster.”
  • “That hat was pretty nice-looking for being 900 years old.”
  • “We just have to get through this elaborate plot setup and then this movie’s going to pick up steam.”
  • “This movie is neggy plastic.”
  • “Look!  The rolling stones farewell tour!”
  • “That was the best ending I could have imagined!”

What We Learned:

  • A new language where plastic takes on a whole new meaning.
  • The Rolling Stones went on a farewell tour in 1989.
  • Reagan was into Centipede and Pinball and had a huge stack of playboys.  And lasers.
  • When you’re in a war and have the only laser gun, don’t bother using it.
  • If the world was run by women, men would be machos, seeders, and toys, and women would be very war-like.

Final Take

This movie was pretty entertaining.  There were a few places where it really slows down and you start losing interest, but on the whole it wasn’t bad.  At first I couldn’t understand half of what they were talking about.  They use some weird made up slang that is complete nonsense when you initially hear it.  But I will admit, it does grow on you.  By the end I had neggy problems at all and everything was hot plastic.  Also, the narrator was awful.  I wish that was an audio track I could just turn off, but there was neggy an option for that.  In spite of that, I have to give this movie a solid recommendation.

06
Jul
13

Condorman (1981)

condormanDate Viewed:  6/27/13

Plot:  Cartoonist Woody becomes the superhero he draws. Using his gadgets he helps a Soviet spy defect to the West.  (From IMDB)

Starring:  The Dad from “Teen Wolf”

Rules:

  • Bad Animation
  • Taking off flying/crashing
  • Slapstick comedy
  • 80’s Jheri Curl hair
  • Say “Condorman”
  • Flipping up motorcycle helmet mask

Quotes:

“Donald Duck is not a real duck, he’s a drawing.”

“Oh C’mon Woody… a little cloak, a little dagger.”

“That’s a hair trigger.  Fastest cane in the West.”

“Remember, any more trouble from you, and I will personally kill you.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Beer spilled once shame on you, beer spilled twice shame on me.”

“What an elaborately terrible plot.”

“I was hoping they’d have a laser gun in this movie.”

What we learned from this movie:

The Russians can demand that we use civilians for missions, and we will comply using a guy who draws comic books.  After the mission, the civilian can make the CIA build him silly contraptions based on designs from his comic books.

People who act in the theater make terrible movie actors.  Especially those with awful horse teeth who overact.

Final Take:

I don’t care what anyone else says, I still like this movie.  The scene where Condorman busts his race car out of the gypsy truck and battles the evil black Porsches is totally timeless.  He’s like James Bond, Jason Bourne, and Spiderman rolled into one.  Ok, ok.  The main actor is terrible, I’ll give you that.  I’m not sure what Guttenberg or Swayze was doing that day, but some other 80’s actor should have stepped in here.

06
Jul
13

Hunk (1987)

hunk

Viewing Date: 6/6/13

Plot:  A computer nerd makes a deal with the Devil and gets a new, “beefcake” body.  (From IMDB)

Starring:  No One

Rules:

  • Flexing
  • 80s clichés
  • Show “Hunk” license plate
  • Women swooning over his hunkiness (bonus points for making it through the beginning credits)
  • People say “Hunk”

Quotes:

“Who’s got a camel with a floppy hump?”

“I went a bit too far…and now there’s HELL to pay.”

“On a hot day the boobs were packed higher than eggs in an Easter basket.”

“The men were high on themselves and whatever else was going around.”

“The only thing you’ll lay tonight in that is linoleum.”

“Aroused?… your curiosity I mean.”

“It’s hell to find a decent place to live in hell.”

“I’m going to wrap your nuts around your neck Twinkie dick.”

“You’re a walking Chuck Norris movie, and I’m not waiting until you’re out on video cassette.”

Viewer Quotes:

What is he wearing?  It looks like a burlap sack.  No, it looks like Seinfeld’s buccaneer costume.

Was this movie ever cool?

What We Learned:

The Devil needs tax write offs.

The Devil drinks Coke Classic.

The Devil goes by Dr. D and looks like Attila the Hun.

It takes a movie as boring as this for both Graham and Mike to fall asleep.

Final Take:

Great setup.  Poor, poor delivery.  This movie starts off as a typically awesome 80’s switcheroo comedy a la Vice Versa mixed with a Porky’s style sex romp.  Unfortunately, the PG rating means nothing much happens, other than a brief shot of the nerd’s penis growing bigger as he turns into the hunk.  The movie descends into a horrible romantic non-comedy bore, with absolutely nothing at stake.  The snail’s pace crawl to the end resulted in both Graham and Mike falling asleep.  I can’t name another movie where multiple people were knocked out by the appalling lack of anything going on.  Watch the first 45 minutes and then find something else more entertaining to do, like playing Pit Fall or River Raid.