Archive for June, 2013

21
Jun
13

Steel and Lace

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Viewing Date: 6/20/2013

Plot:  A woman who is the victim of a rape and subsequent cover-up commits suicide and is rebuilt by her brother to be a vengeful cyborg.  She / it systematically kills everyone that was involved in the crime in brutal fashion.

Starring: No one

Rules:

  • Helicopter Decapitation (one of the ‘Impact Elements’)
  • Getting Drilling (one of the ‘Impact Elements’)
  • Mullets
  • Bolo ties
  • Say “Danny”
  • Blatantly 80’s stuff (use your best judgement)
  • Say “Clippy”

Quotes:

“Down boy”

“You broke your nose once.”   “Does that disqualify me or something?”

“I don’t have to take this shit from a ghost.”

“Death is the last safe place.”

Viewer Quotes:

“They’re all corrupt.”  “Because it’s the 80’s.”

“I’ve never seen Chris Rock dressed as a woman like that before.”

“She’s a robot that doesn’t want to kill.”  “She wants to love.”

“A giant wrench.  How convenient.”

What We Learned:

  • When the law fails you, turn your sister into a killing machine- literally.
  • Lawyers are really good at cybernetics when driven to the edge- and beyond….
  • Memories can be stored in glowing tennis ball brain devices.
  • Cyborgs can perfectly adapt to human interactions except when they aren’t in disguise.
  • When movies don’t have pictures on IMDB, it is a pretty good indicator of the crappiness of the movie.

Final Take:

Not too bad for an 80’s (or 1990, technically) cyborg revenge movie.  It was about an hour too long, however and the time in between the action was grueling, but the good scenes were laugh-inducingly entertaining.  Middle of the road BMT flick, just don’t watch it when you’re tired, or you’ll never make it to the good parts.

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14
Jun
13

Crippled Masters

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Date: 6/13/2013

Starring: Pretty much nobody.  Yes, a couple of people without limbs.

Plot: Two men skilled in the arts of Kung-Fu are betrayed by their master and crippled for life, one left with no arms and the other with no legs. Despite their obvious disadvantages, they learn to combine their martial arts skills and seek revenge against the evil master.

Rules

  • Weird special effects sounds (particularly that up and down xylophone sound)
  • Anytime they make fun of someone for being handicapped.
  • Rubbing the mustache
  • Evil Laughs
  • Ghost faced killa beat somebody up
  • Bad guy calling someone a fool or idiot
  • Bitch slapped by a little hand.

Quotes

  • “If you kill me today, who’s going to provide you with coffins?”
  • “You are a sadistic monster.  One day you’ll get what’s coming to you!”
  • “Now I’ve destroyed your legs.  Let’s see what you can do without them.  Don’t look at me like that.  There’s nothing you can do now.”
  • “You fool!  Let me show you how to collect rent.”
  • “You again?  Well, you don’t seem to like living very much.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Apparently he doesn’t need medical attention after getting his arms cut off.”
  • “He saved his life by putting him in a coffin!”
  • “Who orders someone to beat up a cripple?”
  • “He fell in the river!  Should we call him Bob?”
  • “I think he’s trying to catch those chickens?” – “Those are ducks!”
  • “How do you know you’ve hit rock bottom?  You’re eating from a pig trough.”
  • “Is he playing hackey sack with a dead bird?”
  • “Mustaches everywhere!”
  • “They’re called black and white!”
  • “A study in how to make a kung fu movie with only 3 kung fu sounds.”
  • “Was this movie the inspiration for hear no evil see no evil.”
  • “This guy is either ghollum or the dude with the bitter beer face from those old keystone light commercials.”
  • “Should we take offense that this guy’s in whiteface?”
  • “They literally have an arsenal of 5 sounds.”
  • “To be killed by that weird little leg might be one of the worst ways to go.”
  • “How come we didn’t see that guy had a hunchback before?”
  • “This is where’s he’s using his pole skills.”
  • “Which one is considered crouching tiger?”
  • “His hunch is a metal plate!”
  • “This guy’s wearing earrings now.” – “Those are anal beads.”

What We Learned

  • The man with no arms always trumps the man with no legs.
  • Viewers are unable to decide whether it’s worse to live without arms or without legs.
  • You can kill a man by pushing your toes into his adam’s apple.
  • You can use your hunch back to attack or defend very effectively.
  • A legless man on top of an armless man is an unstoppable force and holds the secret to unbeatable kung fu, according to some jade horse figurines.
  • In fact that is not a great secret.

Final Take

This movie was a little disturbing to watch at first, but once you got past the initial horror of laughing at the depravity on screen, it was pretty enjoyable.  Look at all those quotes!  The ridiculous sound effects and terrible voice acting were pretty egregious and greatly entertaining.  It really felt like I was watching speed racer, with an extra “ha ha” thrown in any time they felt they needed an extra word for the mouth movements on screen.  I wouldn’t say it’s top 10, 20, but it might be somewhere up there.  And it was definitely memorable.  I’d probably give it a 3/5.