Archive for the 'Amazon women' Category

03
Feb
22

Yor:  The Hunter from the Future (1983)

Date watched: 2/3/22

Starring: Reb Brown (nominated for a Razzie for this role)

Plot: A warrior seeks his true origins in a seemingly prehistoric wasteland. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Theme song being played
  • Dinosaurs
  • Say “Yor”
  • Old man shoots his arrow
  • Rocks that look like penises

Quotes:

  • “Yor’s different than other guys.”
  • “DAMN talking box!”

Viewer Quotes:                                   

  • “Is he from the future even though he looks like He-Man?”
  • “Is that a Triceratops crossed with a Stegosaurus… a Tristegatops?”
  • “There’s no monogamy in cave man days.”
  • “They should reboot this franchise.”  “No!”

Things we learned:

  • The best way to kill a Tristegatops is with an axe.
  • It’s hard to hide a boner wearing a loin cloth.  Wait, we already knew that from years ago.
  • Bad guys in the olden days wore purple paint on their faces.
  • Yor is good at being captured.
  • A generous man does what his heart commands.

Final Take:

This movie really had it all. It’s hard to believe that the movie at the end was the same movie that we started with. For most of the run time, we had no idea where the “Hunter from the Future” tagline came from. Then all of the sudden the Darth Vader clones showed up. (Actually, they kind of look more like Dark Helmet.) According to IMDB, this was originally an Italian miniseries that ran 200 minutes and was split into four parts. Now, condensed into one 90 minute movie, it operates as somewhat of a weird fever dream. If it were rated “R” and just went all out with the gore and craziness it would be a lot better. As it stands, it’s just kind of weird and tame.

16
Dec
21

Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (1983)

Date watched: 12/16/21

Starring: Molly Ringwald, Peter Strauss, Michael Ironside, Ernie Hudson

Plot: On a distant planet inhabited by mutants, two bounty-hunters race to rescue three Earth female captives from the clutches of an evil mutant warlord. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Bad special effects
  • Says “Chalmers”
  • Say “Overdog”
  • Wolff uses his gun

Quotes:

  • “Make it eat dirt, Chalmers.”
  • “Hey wait! I know where to buy clean skav women.”
  • “I never said I wouldn’t eat dog.  I just said I wouldn’t eat it much.”
  • “Good breeding man.  I’ll bet breeding with him would kill him.  I’ll take that bet.”
  • “What do those skrotbags want?”

Viewer quotes:

  • “Wow! It’s got Ernie Hudson.  And Michael Ironside!”
  • “Is her hair wet or just grossly slicked back?”
  • “This reminds me of shower night at our house.”
  • “Are these singing little people?”

Things we learned:

  • Hang gliders are the best way to kidnap women.
  • The best way to deal with customs is to kill them.

Final Take:

This movie scared me as a child. Now… not so much. It flies by, and there really isn’t a lot to it. It certainly fits the bill as a terrible Star Wars knockoff. Cheesy and harmless, it’s worth a look.

16
Sep
21

Warrior Queen (1987)

Date Watched: 9/16/21

Starring: Donald Pleasance

Plot: In ancient Pompeii, slaves are bought and sold for household chores and sex. A mysterious queen moves among the elite, while secretly helping the slaves to escape.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Say “Pompeii”
  • Stupid long white fans (aka a Flabellum or Flabella for plural)
  • Volcanoes
  • Strange competitions

Quotes:

  • “Give me Money!”
  • “Have some pig, pig.”
  • “Veneria, you’ve become a pathetic old whore.”
  • “That’s my disgusting wife.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • After a guy gets his eyes poked out, “Bet he didn’t see that coming.”
  • “Gladiator totally ripped this off.”
  • “Veneria, is that like a venereal disease (in regards to the character’s name)?”

Things We Learned:

  • Men can keep their underwear on when they get hanged upside down but women cannot.
  • Romans did backwards arm wrestling with a poison spike.

Final Take:

This movie is a bit hard to rate.  On the one hand, it’s an absolute cinematic car crash worth seeing for its absolute ineptitude on every level.  We had no idea what was going on for most of the movie.  There was a Warrior Queen?  Really?  There were also several odd competitions like we were watching an early Roman addition of Survivor.  And, everything culminates into a virtual medley of stock footage volcanoes erupting.  The real problem with this movie (in terms of making it watchable as a BMT movie) is that it’s so mean spirited.  It’s not really fun, and I would highly recommend watching something like Deathstalker 2 instead that’s somewhat similar to this.

04
Feb
21

Dealthstalker 2 (1987)

Date watched: 2/4/21

Plot: Princess Evie of Jzafir is deposed by an evil sorcerer and his dangerous ally. Reena the Seer enlists the aid of the renowned hero Deathstalker to battle the forces of evil, including a clone of the princess, and win back her kingdom. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Pigman is on the screen.
  • Say “Deathstalker”.
  • Cartoon sound effects.
  • Character sees into the future or does magic.
  • Spit takes.

Quotes:

  • “Stalker, is that your sword, or are you just happy to see me?”
  • “The top half of you might think it’s the wrong time, but the bottom half of you knows it’s the right place.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Quite the outfits.  Looks like a kid’s birthday party.”
  • “Oh good, Pigman’s back.”
  • “How much cocaine was done while shooting this movie?”

Things We Learned:

  • The Prince of Thieves is really Dealthstalker not Robin Hood.
  • The best way to sneak up on someone from behind is to yell really loud.
  • You can stab someone in a faraway land through a bubbling witch’s brew.

Final Take:

This movie was a lot of stupid fun, and it seemed like the cast and crew had a great time making it. Both leads are surprisingly engaging for schlock like this. You might need to bring some Triscuits for cheese like this, but this was an awesome Bad Movie Thursday film.

17
Jan
14

Amazons and Gladiators

Image

Date Watched: 1/16/2014

Starring: Patrick Bergin, Dick Norton, Nichole Hiltz

Plot

The worst child actor ever grows up to become an amazon whose assets allow her to carry a movie despite the stilted dialog and awful fight sequences.  At some point she remembers that a Roman general killed her mom and is compelled to seek her revenge.

Rules

  • Anachronistic crap
  • “Amazon”
  • “Crassius”
  • Armor boobs
  • Terrible Acting <advanced rule>
  • Gladiator combat
  • “Zenobia”

Quotes

  • “Keep your eyes soft”
  • “Slow down.  You’re going to lose your precision.”
  • “You fought well today.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  You deserve some pampering.”
  • “Yes, get rid of her.  She annoys me.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This child actor is terrible.  I wouldn’t watch her in community theater!”
  • “That guy’s got a toga boner.”
  • “I like the armor suit boobs.”
  • “She’s going to put her on her back and carry her in.”
  • “Do they migrate around?  Is that why they live in such a shanty village?”
  • “Ewww.  This is excruciating . I’m getting the nasty tingles.  Like I’m watching something wrong.
  • “She’s on tire tracks!”
  • “This is ridiculous.  This guy couldn’t be any more evil.”

What We Learned

  • There’s a secret camp of amazons outside Rome.
  • Amazons have custom made boob armor.
  • Romans have British, Australian, and American accents.
  • Hourglasses were used in Ancient rome to time gladiatorial matches

Final take

This movie started out pretty unwatchable.  The child actor playing the young lead is so painful to watch that I mostly couldn’t look at the screen.  But then she grows up and becomes much easier to look at.  That pretty much saved the movie.  Barely.  It’s not great.  The dialog is awkward.  The fight scenes are pretty terrible, and the main villain has some kind of facial tick that ends up coming off as pretty distracting.  To top it off there’s a weird sex scene between the main actress (age 22), and a 55 year old man.  Gross.  To sum up, all 55 year old men will like this movie.  Most others should probably think twice.

12
Jul
13

America 3000

ImageDate Watched: 7/11/2013

Starring: Laurene Landon and Beastman

Plot: This movie supposedly takes place 900 years in the future after a nuclear war between the Mericans and Commies has decimated mankind.  In a crazy twist on the current state of affairs, war-like women now rule the world and keep men as slaves.  Will the infighting and jealousy of the ruling women be their undoing?  Will the pure hearts of the men grant them freedom from their oppressors?  Will someone please pick a better soundtrack for this movie?

Rules:

  • Whiplash noise
  • Woman punches man
  • Song starts that has nothing to do with the movie.
  • New word is translated for us.
  • Slow Motion
  • “Neggy” or “Plugot” <advanced rule>

Quotes:

  • “…and the world was woggos.” – “(In the old speak, that means crazy!”
  • “I went for the weps, he went for the eats.”
  • “Neggy more machos, neggy more toys.”  – “Neggy more seeders?”  – “Neggy more seeders!”
  • “Everything was going hot plastic.”
  • “Taste this.  It tastes cold woggos but it makes you feel hot plastic.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This is a coke-fueled disaster.”
  • “That hat was pretty nice-looking for being 900 years old.”
  • “We just have to get through this elaborate plot setup and then this movie’s going to pick up steam.”
  • “This movie is neggy plastic.”
  • “Look!  The rolling stones farewell tour!”
  • “That was the best ending I could have imagined!”

What We Learned:

  • A new language where plastic takes on a whole new meaning.
  • The Rolling Stones went on a farewell tour in 1989.
  • Reagan was into Centipede and Pinball and had a huge stack of playboys.  And lasers.
  • When you’re in a war and have the only laser gun, don’t bother using it.
  • If the world was run by women, men would be machos, seeders, and toys, and women would be very war-like.

Final Take

This movie was pretty entertaining.  There were a few places where it really slows down and you start losing interest, but on the whole it wasn’t bad.  At first I couldn’t understand half of what they were talking about.  They use some weird made up slang that is complete nonsense when you initially hear it.  But I will admit, it does grow on you.  By the end I had neggy problems at all and everything was hot plastic.  Also, the narrator was awful.  I wish that was an audio track I could just turn off, but there was neggy an option for that.  In spite of that, I have to give this movie a solid recommendation.




July 2022
M T W T F S S
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031