Archive for June, 2015

26
Jun
15

AE: Apocalypse Earth

ApocalypseEarth

Date Watched: 6/25/15

Starring: Adrian Paul, Richard Grieco

Plot: A group of refugees from Earth work to survive on a hostile alien planet.

Rules

  • Unspecial effects
  • Predator cliches (including invisible people)
  • Picking up random people
  • “Why should I follow you?”
  • Canned sounds

Quotes

  • “Couldn’t you find anything bigger?”  –  “It’s bigger than yours.”  –  “That’s what your momma said.”
  • “Are you sure this water is safe?  Most of the water on Earth is polluted.”
  • “But there’s only two of us, and you’re not my type.”
  • “I’d be happy to assist by digging a grave for Hannah.”
  • “If we’re going to save humanity, we’ve got to stay human.  We’re going to bury her.”
  • “Why should I follow you?”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Apparently they found a woman.”
  • “That’s why you can never trust short people.”

What We Learned

  • When you crash-land on an alien world, rub mud on your face.  It’s common knowledge.
  • Signaling with two fingers means “When I duck, throw a knife in this guy’s face.”
  • On alien worlds, you can go into nature to collect bottles of water from the trees.
  • It’s a good idea to arm yourself with bows but no arrows.  You can find arrows just lying around.
  • Real guns can be made to fire electrical pulses.

Final Take: That was basically a made for Sci Fi tv movie.  I remember liking the Highlander TV show back in the day that this Adrian Paul starred in, but he has literally done nothing since then.  Now he’s in this movie and I realize why.  I like living in a world where movies like this still get made, though.  You throw enough crap against the wall and eventually something will stick.  This one did not stick.  Back to the drawing board, Asylum.

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19
Jun
15

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2001)

Turbulence 3

Viewing Date: 6/18/15

Plot: Terrorists hijack an airplane that is broadcasting a rock concert live on the Internet. (From IMDB)

Starring: Rutger Hauer, Joe Mantegna, the chick from Burn Notice, and lots of C List actors

Rules:

  • Marilyn Manson knockoff music
  • Stupid hacking scenes
  • Every time they say “Craven”
  • If Rutger Hauer steps outside the cockpit
  • Outside shots of the plane in flight

Quotes:

“Thank you for the panties.  I love you.”

“I like the sound of his music.  It reminds me of Nam.”

“You need to log onto the Z WebTV website.  There’s a concert on a plane.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Did we drink to that guy’s mustache?  Because it’s disgusting.”

“I hope Rutger Hauer gets to kill someone.”

Question:  “They’re using the same guy?!  How dumb do they think we are?”  Response:  “Well, we are watching Turbulence 3.”

Things We Learned:

  • Airplanes in flight are the ideal spot to hold a death metal concert. Although strangely, sometimes things go awry.
  • Eastern Kansas is one of the most unholiest places in the world.
  • Planes will go into a tailspin if you let go of the controls for even a second.
  • An experienced pilot taking over control of a plane from a drugged out rocker and a hacker can cause a plane crash if the two of them already “have a bond”.
  • When a bandmate dies, it’s no big deal.

Final Take:

This was entertaining and compared to most of the normal Thursday night schlock, this was definitely more watchable than most.  I hate to say it, but this movie makes me want to watch the rest of the Turbulence trilogy, so mission accomplished.  I’m still not sure that Joe Mantegna didn’t need to do this movie to make a boat payment, or that Rutger Hauer didn’t film his scenes in his basement, but this is a fun movie that I’d recommend to watch.

13
Jun
15

Killer Mermaid / Nymph (2014)

killermermaid

Viewing Date: 5/14/2015

Starring: Some foreigners

Plot: Two young American women go on a Mediterranean vacation and uncover the watery lair of a killer mermaid hidden beneath an abandoned military fortress. What was once a carefree adventure becomes a deadly fight for survival. (from IMDB)

Rules

  • The call of the mermaid (Hunger Games tune)
  • “Cool” music
  • Foreign actors trying too hard to act American
  • Kills by the Fisherman
  • “Mamula”

Quotes

“I’ll bet he knows what you did last summer.”

“He’s a really funny guy.  I’ve known him since forever.”

Viewer Quotes 

“I’ll bet he knows what you did last summer.” (said moments before the actual line in the movie)

“He was really good time guy in college.”

“She looks a little bit like Daniel Day Lewis.”

“This is Daniel Day Lewis’s best role!”

“Do you think the mermaid’s siren song seduces lesbians?”

What We Learned

  • Mermaids have transformative powers and can change into hideous monsters
  • Smacking someone in the face breaks the mermaid’s trance
  • A mermaid’s scream can bring dead people back to life
  • Mermaid trance only affects men
  • The underground tunnel from the secret island does not, in fact, lead back to the mainland.  You still have to row back for some reason.
  • The movie did not have the budget to show the mermaid until 3/4 of the way through the movie.

Final Take

This movie had some decent laughs- mostly unintentional- and spent way too much time building up a love triangle for really no reason.  Most of the movie did not actually put the mermaid in the “killer” role, but rather it was her lover, who played the stereotypical, mute, plodding psychopath.  I guess he was killing people to feed his wife / lover (the mermaid), but a lot of the killing seemed to be just for the sake of killing…  Probably shouldn’t overthink a movie called “Killer Mermaid”.  The climax battle was pretty good, and the final shot of hundreds of mermaids embarking on the city made you wish that is what the movie had actually been about.  I guess we just have to hope for a sequel with more killer mermaids.

12
Jun
15

Dream Warrior

Dream_Warrior

Date Watched: 6/11/2015

Starring: Sherilynn Fenn, Lance Henriksen, Richard Norton, Chef

Plot: In an apocalyptic future, a man with extra-human powers goes on the run.

Rules

  • “My Child”
  • Visions or prophecies of the future.
  • Mutant power usage
  • Isaac Hayes

Quotes

  • “Don’t say perfect.  Don’t tempt God to take him away.”
  • “We have to share each other.  Share each other’s spaces.  Passing along our lineage, from loin to loin.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “These sound effects are terrible.”
  • “Is that a rubber band gun?  Have to get up close with a rubber band gun.”
  • “Whoa – she’s a Palpatine!”
  • “Come on Movie – give us something here.”
  • “It could be nothing more than a freak’s wet dream, but I need to know.”

Things We Learned

  • “Don’t be afraid, child” is a good phrase to use to make people feel comfortable when you first meet them.
  • Mutant healing powers also wash blood off your skin, cleaning you up real nice.
  • It’s pretty easy to switch your car to solar.

Final Take: Pretty boring movie.  Some OK scenes, but we totally lost interest midway through.  You’d think a movie about mutants with super-powers would be a little more interesting.  Turns out no.

05
Jun
15

Left Behind (2000)

leftbehind

Viewing Date: 6/4/2015

Starring: Kirk Cameron

Plot: The Biblical prophecy of Armageddon begins when the Rapture instantly takes all believers in Christ from the Earth. A reporter left behind learns that the Anti-Christ will soon take power. (IMDB)

Rules

  • Say “Buck”
  • Say “Infotactics”
  • Piles o’ clothes
  • People praying
  • See a bible

Quotes

“I’m going to the UN.  The only place that offers any hope.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Nic Cage was a kinder, gentler Captain Steele.”

What We Learned

  • A Russian is the anti-Christ
  • It is hard for most of the unbelievers to repent even after witnessing proof of the rapture (even though lack of proof was the only thing landing them in their current predicament).

Final Take
Well, this is a sparse entry.  I won’t lie.  We lost interest mid-way through and didn’t really pay attention.  The big debate is whether or not this was worse than the recent Nic Cage version.  On the plus side, a lot more happened (different scenes, plot advancement).  On the negative side, there was no action and it was pretty terrible.  We still haven’t lost “faith” in the potential for this series to be bad.  We’ll watch the sequels and hope they keep our attention.