Archive for the 'Gratuitous Violence' Category

15
Jun
18

The Babysitter

Image result for the babysitter netflix

Viewing Date: 6/14/18

Plot: Cole (Judah Lewis) loves his babysitter (Samara Weaving) Bee. She’s hot, funny, and popular. One night, in a moment of defiance, Cole secretly stays up past his bedtime to discover she’s actually a cold-blooded killer who’s in league with the Devil. He now must spend his night evading Bee’s band of killers who will stop at nothing to prevent Cole from spilling their dark secret. It’s up to Cole to survive the night (and blow up a few people along the way).

Starring: Judah Lewis, Samara Weaving, directed by McG

Rules:

  • Cole gets scared
  • Remote control cars

Quotes:

  • “My dad let’s me drink Mike’s all the time.”  “That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard.”
  • “Oh my God.  I got Sacrifice Samuel all over me.”
  • “Look at him.  He’s still cutting the rope.”
  • “What kind of dick shoots a girl in the boob?!”
  • “Did you just blow up Sonja?”  “No.”  “I’m not mad, just a little surprised.”
  • “What happened?!”  “I don’t need a babysitter anymore.”

What We Learned

  • If you still need a babysitter at 13, you probably deserve something to go horribly wrong.
  • Sacrifice Samuel should have known better.
  • Knowing police walkie-talkie codes will get rid of all police suspicion, even when a reported homicide is involved.
  • What we didn’t learn: Why did Max go shirtless practically the entire movie?
  • When all else fails, steal a car and drive it into a house.

Final Take

This was way better than it had any right to be- great Thursday night movie with the right mix of gore, absurdity, and humor.  I think McG has found his wheelhouse: horror-comedy with low expectations.

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15
Dec
17

All Through the House (2015)

Viewing Date: 12/14/17

Starring:  No One

Plot:  A deranged masked Santa-Slayer comes to town for some yuletide-terror. He leaves behind a bloody trail of mutilated bodies as he hunts his way to the front steps of the town’s most feared and notorious home.  (via IMDB)

Rules:

  • Typical Christmas kills (icicles, candy canes, etc.)
  • Cutaways of blood splashing
  • Dis”member”ing

Quotes:

“Close your eyes and open your mouth. I’ve got a big package ready for
delivery.”
“Hey, I was only like 5 fking years old when I was told that story.”
“She’s not really a people person.”
“Poor poor dear, you’re mother was a filthy whore.”

Viewer Quotes:

“She’s really weird looking.” “Which one?”
“I really should have all kinds of creepy life size Santas in my house. Kids
would love that.”
“You know what that means, it’s penis cutting time.”
“That’s one thing we can say about this movie, it’s all that and a bag of
dicks.”
“That’s the way I’d want to go… being sufficated by a dickless Santa with
mannequins waving at me.”

What We Learned:

  • Deranged Santas will kill you and your cat.
  • When you least expect it, you get a bag full of dicks.
  • There’s nothing worse than a dickless man.

Final Take:

It was ok.  The Christmas theme is really window dressing.  This “story” as it were could have taken place anytime.  There was a lot focus on penises for some reason.  There might have been some deeper meaning at play here, but honestly we didn’t care.  2 out of 5.

29
Dec
16

Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)

Silent Night

Date Watched: 12/29/16

Starring: Santa as you’ve never seen him before

Plot:

After his parents are murdered, a tormented teenager goes on a murderous rampage dressed as Santa, due to his stay at an orphanage where he was abused by the Mother Superior.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Christmas”
  • Every time there’s a radio announcement
  • Terrible music
  • Characters looking off into the distance
  • Billy says “naughty” or “punishment”
  • Awesome 80’s toys

Quotes:

  • “What about you boy?  You been good all year?”
  • “It’s over.  Time to get sh$tfaced!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Is that a hairy ass that we’re looking at?”
  • “This is how all my office Christmas parties end.”
  • “The best place to party is the toy store on Christmas Eve.”
  • “Two ball in the corner pocket.”  (Said as guy lays baby sitter down on a pool table for love makin’.)

What We Learned:

  • Santa Claus doesn’t give coal.  He punishes the naughty.

Final Take:

Not bad.  This was a good holiday Thursday movie that got us in the Xmas spirit.  We’re curious to see how the other movies in this series turn out.

03
Nov
16

Stiches (2012)

Stitches

Date Watched: 11/3/16

Plot: A clown comes back from the dead to haunt those who took his life during a fatal party mishap.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Clown honking
  • Clown hallucinations
  • Say “Stiches”

Quotes:

  • “Give me my dick back”
  • “If you saw a girl’s gash you’d probably put plaster on it.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “He’s going to be like super baked when this dead clown comes to kill everybody.”

Things We Learned:

  • A clown that doesn’t finish a party can never truly rest in peace
  • When a person becomes a clown they have to paint themselves on an egg
  • Every good party ends with a dead clown
  • A clown foam nose can be taken off and sniff out victims
  • Clowns kill cats by counting out each life as it ends
16
Oct
15

Attila (2013)

attila_theatrical_poster-lowres

Viewing Date: 10/15/2015

Summary: When American soldiers inadvertently steal Attila the Hun’s secret riches, the wrath of the barbarian is awakened; the mummified warrior will stop at nothing to kill the intruders. (via IMDB)

Starring: No one worth mentioning

Rules

  • Crazy scientist chews on a puzzle piece
  • “Staff” or “Stick”
  • Zombie monster kills somebody
  • Someone ineffectively tries to shoot zombie monster

 

Quotes

“You can pry it off, fry it off, or fuck it off.”

“It was stolen from our lab at zero-twelve-hundred hours.”  (zero-twelve-hundred?!)

“Bulldog, are you dead?”  “No Sir.”

Viewer Quotes

“Are these guys the A Team?”  “More like the C team.”

“Hamilton-esque hiccups!”

What We Learned

  • The holy grail was obtained during WWII
  • Nothing can kill the zombie monster and the only thing that can slow it down is karate.
  • The filmmakers seemed to think this movie is good enough to set up sequels
  • There is no purpose to the zombie monster except for murderous rampage
  • The reincarnated son of Attila the Hun has a burned up face, but the rest of his body is fine.

Final Take

Ehh…  The movie didn’t really make sense.  It was a stereotypical movie about an unstoppable monster that an elite (?) squad of soldiers have to take down.  They are all killed, and the general was behind it and had a secret agenda.  We’re still not sure why the zombie was killing everyone…  Skip this one.

27
Mar
15

Nazis at the center of the earth (2012)

Nazis

Viewing Date: 3/26/15

Plot:

Researchers in Antarctica are abducted by a team of masked storm troopers. They are dragged deep underground to a hidden continent in the center of the earth. Here Nazi survivors, their bodies a horrifying patchwork of decaying and regenerated flesh, are planning for the revival of the Third Reich. (From IMDB)

Starring:

Dominique Swain and Jake Busey

Rules:

  • Nazi clichés
  • Nazis dying
  • Faces getting ripped off
  • Every time blond chick runs

Quotes:

“What is wrong with you, you’re never squeamish?”  (After her friend’s brain has been ripped out and girl vomits.)

Viewer Quotes:

“So one guy has been delivering people to the Nazis for years to use as spare parts and nobody has noticed?”

“Where did he get that baseball?”

“That is the worst thing you can say to a Robo-Hitler.”

Things we learned:

  • To tear someone’s face off, you just need to cut them a little bit at the top of their head.
  • There are mountains and temples at the center of the earth.
  • It’s not cold at the center of the earth.
  • Nazis have UFO technology.

Final Take:

For a movie with great promise, it just doesn’t really deliver.  It goes to places that it shouldn’t go – zombie rape and abortion scenes – that make it mean spirited and take the fun out of it.  This should have just been over the top ridiculousness.  If you’re looking for a silly zombie Nazi movie, I would definitely check out “Dead Snow” instead.

30
Jan
15

Sabotage (2014)

Sabotage

Viewing Date: 1/29/15

Starring:  Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sam Worthington, Joe Manganiello, Josh Holloway, and Terrence Howard

Plot:  Members of an elite DEA task force find themselves being taken down one by one after they rob a drug cartel safe house. (From IMDB)

Rules:

-Illegal activity

-Cops die

-Schwarzeneggerisms – smoking cigars, bad puns/one liners, flexing unnecessarily, feats of strength

-Bad American accents done by non – Americans

Quotes:

“I’m not going to stick my dick where your dick has been.”

“It doesn’t look like a dick.”

“It’s time to do the Lord’s work.” = going to a strip club

“Pull your fuc%in panties out of your ass and drink a fuc%in beer.”

“Nick, wake up you drunk fuc%.”

“That’s what you get for fingering the devil’s pu$$y.”

“You’re awesome on a road trip, you know that?”

“What the hell are we doing here?  We could be drinking beers and throwing dollar bills at someone naked.”

“Ammo’s cheap.  My life ain’t.”

Viewer Quotes:

“How old is Schwarzenegger now?  78?”

“These are the worst cops ever.”

“In the 80’s cool guys lived in their mobile homes… Peeing in their sinks.”

“I hated Michael from Lost.”

Things we learned:

-Wrapping bodies in chicken wire and dumping them in a pond keeps them from floating up.

-A lot of decent actors can’t make a bad movie work.

-The cartel is not someone you want to fuc% with.

-Innocent cyclists are the best way to stop a bad guy in a car chase.

Final Take:

The whole movie should have been like the last 20 minutes – silly and gratuitous.  In general it was gratuitous but it took itself way too seriously.  There was a great cast, but they did nothing with it.  This was a wasted opportunity all the way around.