Archive for June, 2012

15
Jun
12

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Viewing Date: 6/14/2012

Starring: The Nicholas Cage

Summary: Johnny Blaze, a man who made a deal with the Devil who called himself Roarke at the time, is on the run trying to make sure no-one is harmed by his alter ego, The Ghost Rider. He is approached by a Monk named Moreau who tells him that he can help be him free of the Rider, but first, he needs Johnny’s help to protect a boy, whom Roarke has plans for.

Rules:

  • Motorcycle trail of hellfire
  • “Rider”
  • “Johnny Blaze”
  • Turning into the Rider
  • Pissing Hellfire (two drinks)

Quotes:

  • “No, I get it. You’re the Devil’s baby mama.”
  • “The only thing standing between you and the Rider is me. He’s scraping at the door. SCRAPING AT THE DOOOOR!!!”
  • “You will tell me or I will eat your stinking soooouul!”

What we learned:

  • Clowns, Stalin, Groucho Marx and Jerry Springer are the Devil.
  • The farthest place from heaven? It’s in Turkey.
  • Politicians, murderers, people of influence = the Devil’s soldiers.
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08
Jun
12

Transylmania

Viewing Date: 2/9/2012

Starring: No one.

Summary:

Moronic American student Rusty arranges a student exchange program for his closest friends and him to study in Romania for six months and meet his Internet girlfriend Draguta. He travels with potheads Pete and Wang, Pete’s girlfriend Lia and her twin sister Danni, the naive and romantic Newmar and his dippy girlfriend Lynne, the nerd Brady and his sexually confused roommate Mike, and crook Cliff. His friends actually intend to party. While traveling by train to Razvan they learn that five hundred years ago the vampire Radu lost his beloved Stephania, whose spirit was trapped in a music box. Ever since, Radu has kept Stephania’s body while seeking the music box to bring her back. One of Radu’s minions has recently retrieved the music box but, mortally wounded by the vampire slayer Teodora Van Sloan, drops the object in a gypsy’s basket. Newmar unwittingly buys the music box and gives it to Lynne..

Rules:

  • “Vampires”
  • Farting
  • “Razvan”
  • Americans being attacked by vampires.

Quotes:

“There’s no such thing as aliens you idiot- they’re vampires!”

08
Jun
12

Blubberella

Viewing Date: 2/16/2012

Starring: Clint Howard

Directed by: Uwe Boll

Summary:

It’s 1940 and the German army is oozing their ickiness across the European continent, indiscriminately slaughtering thousands. On the Eastern Front, a motley group of Resistance Fighters, led by Nathaniel (Brendan Fletcher) and “Vadge” (Willam Belli), struggle valiantly against the Nazi scourge. The German army, headed by the Commandant (Michael Paré), shadow puppet master, a mad, showtunes-singing Doctor (Clint Howard), and the newly-addicted-to-blood Lieutenant (Steffen Mennekes), threatens to eradicate the Resistance. But coming to the rescue is Blubberella. Half vampire, half woman, and all trouble, Blubberella loves nothing better than killing Nazis and a substantial turkey on rye. She has moved through the centuries destroying nasties and their like while perfecting the ultimate cotton candy recipe. Blubberella and the Commandant face each other in a rail car and after a unseemly exchange of bodily fluids…

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Eating
  • Blackface character
  • Bodily fluids

Quotes:

“Daylight, eh?  Fuck my Donkey.”

“Smells like pubes and cheese in here.”

“Do you call that the German tampon?”

“Will you put a dick in her mouth so she shuts up already?”

01
Jun
12

Torque

Viewing date: 5/31/2012

Starring:

Ice Cube, some guy that sort of looks like David Arquette, Jaime Pressley

Summary:

Biker Cary Ford is framed by an old rival and biker gang leader for the murder of another gang member who happens to be the brother of Trey (Ice Cube), leader of the most feared biker gang in the country. Ford is now on the run trying to clear his name from the murder with Trey and his gang looking for his blood.

Rules:

  • Wheelies
  • Sliding bike under things
  • Airborne vehicles
  • Motorcycle puns
  • Dragging knees around corners
  • Ice Cube sneering

Quotes:

“What is it about driving cars that makes you guys such assholes?”

“No two sprockets are the same”…  “Like a fingerprint…”

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time.”

“Every major road to LA has been blocked.”

“Fuck the Po-lice.” (Ice Cube)

Viewer quotes:

“She snuck up on him.  On a motorcycle!”

“This director is no Spike Jonze.”

What we learned:

  • Motorcycles only make noise when they’re right next you.
  • Police base opinions on one person’s eyewitness testimony and put the suspect on the most wanted list based on no other evidence.
  • Motorcycles can go even faster when doing wheelies.
  • Nothing provokes a fight faster than riding your bike quickly past someone.
  • Bikers and car drivers hate each other.
  • There IS a black biker gang (called the reapers), although the “good” biker gangs are multi-racial.
  • Ice Cube is a shit actor that sneers a lot.
  • Ice Cube portrays Ice Cube very well.
01
Jun
12

Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption

 

Viewing Date: 3/15/2012

Starring: 

Ron Perlman, Billy Zane, Kimbo Slice

Summary:

Since his rise to power, Mathayus’ kingdom has fallen. Now an assassin for hire, he must defend a kingdom from an evil tyrant and his ghost warriors for the chance to regain the power and glory he once knew.

Rules:

  • Insects (scorpions x 2)
  • Thief sidekick
  • Sandstorm
  • Skulls (see them, or say “skulls”)
  • Sand while fighting
  • Elephants
  • One-liners
  • Bad dubbing

Quotes:

“I smell like warrior!”

“Who pissed in your wineskin?”

01
Jun
12

Tucker and Dale vs Evil

 

Viewing Date: April 2012

Starring: No one of note

Summary:

Tucker & Dale are on vacation at their dilapidated mountain cabin when they are attacked by a group of preppy college kids.

Rules:

  • Banjos / banjo music
  • Drinking
  • Chewing tobacco
  • Deaths

Quotes:

“It was really dark, but one of the guys looked like he was eating her face off!”

“It’s been a doozy of a day!”

“Oh my God! They cut off his bowling fingers!”

01
Jun
12

Wicked Little Things

Viewing Date: ?

Starring:  No one worth mentioning

Summary:

Karen, Sarah, and Emma Tunney are all moving to a small town in Pennsylvania where, unknown to them, in 1913, a horrid mine accident trapped dozens of children alive, underground. But there’s a problem. They’re still alive.

Rules:

  • Killed with pick ax or shovel
  • Children singing
  • Killer Vision