Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 6/11/2026

Starring: Matt Damon, Pedro Pascal, Willem Defoe

Plot: In ancient China, a group of European mercenaries encounters a secret army that maintains and defends the Great Wall of China against a horde of monstrous creatures.

Rules

• “Tao Tei”
• Way overdone gratuitously cinematic shots
• Doing the stupid bungie dive attack.
• People getting pushed out of the way.
• Magnets
• Squad activation
• Every new technological innovation that gets revealed.
• Beasts communicating with each other.

Quotes

• “I haven’t surrendered in a while.” – “It’ll come back to you.”
• “You smell like animals.”
• “See if it’s gone out.” – “Is it safe?” – “Of course it is.”

Viewer Quotes

• “You are soldiers.” – “You are bad actors.”
• “Here comes the hottie patrol.”
• “Here comes the Zerg Berzerkers.”
• “Where did you learn to fight like that?” – “The streets of Boston.”
• “I like all 3 of these actors, but this is terrible!”

What We Learned

• The Great Wall of China was built to keep out the Tao Tei.
• Matt Damon is worth hundreds of Chinese warriors.
• 800 li is two days ride.

Final Take

This was a good Thursday movie. Ridiculous over the top stupid action, good actors doing bad acting, and a nonsense plot that was impossible to follow. It was fun while it lasted but there’s no chance I’ll remember any of it. I doubt Matt Damon remembers too much.