Archive for September, 2021

30
Sep
21

Missionary Man

Missionary Man (2007) - IMDb

Viewing Date: Sep 30, 2021

Starring: Dolph Lundgren (who also wrote and directed), Kateri Walker, Chelsea Ricketts, Matthew Tompkins

Plot

A lone biker rides into town in the aftermath of the death of his good friend J.J. Once there Ryder discovers that his friend didn’t die but was murdered by a local businessman who would let nothing stand in the way of his plans to build a state of the art casino on Indian reservation land. On a mission of justice Ryder confronts and defeats Reno and his men in a tour de force show down where the one (Ryder) vanquishes the many. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Native American references
  • Bible (reference, Dolph reading it, etc)
  • “Boss”
  • Sheriff drinks from flask
  • “Reno”

Quotes

  • “They drowned someone in the river- if you know what I mean.”
  • “She was meant to call me Jeff but she was so drunk with a busted jaw… that it came out Jarfe. She died moments later.”

“They drowned someone in the river- if you know what I mean.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “She wants to get Dolphed”
  • “That looks fun. I’d like to throw some incendiary grenades in a boat.”

What We Learned

  • Dolph drinks a tequila with no lime and no salt.
  • The ancestors told of a man from the North who would save them- and that man was Dolph Lundgren
  • Dolph is the savior

Final Take

An enjoyable Dolph Lundren written and directed piece which is a retelling of Pale Rider- or maybe Ghost Rider from the comics (avenging spirit who rides a motorcycle). Some good action, cartoonish bad guys who run the town (think Road House), and a lot of killing. Jarfe was a good character, but should have known better to get into the war with Dolph based on his initial interaction with the clownish crime boss, John Reno. Look for it on amazon Prime!

16
Sep
21

Warrior Queen (1987)

Date Watched: 9/16/21

Starring: Donald Pleasance

Plot: In ancient Pompeii, slaves are bought and sold for household chores and sex. A mysterious queen moves among the elite, while secretly helping the slaves to escape.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Say “Pompeii”
  • Stupid long white fans (aka a Flabellum or Flabella for plural)
  • Volcanoes
  • Strange competitions

Quotes:

  • “Give me Money!”
  • “Have some pig, pig.”
  • “Veneria, you’ve become a pathetic old whore.”
  • “That’s my disgusting wife.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • After a guy gets his eyes poked out, “Bet he didn’t see that coming.”
  • “Gladiator totally ripped this off.”
  • “Veneria, is that like a venereal disease (in regards to the character’s name)?”

Things We Learned:

  • Men can keep their underwear on when they get hanged upside down but women cannot.
  • Romans did backwards arm wrestling with a poison spike.

Final Take:

This movie is a bit hard to rate.  On the one hand, it’s an absolute cinematic car crash worth seeing for its absolute ineptitude on every level.  We had no idea what was going on for most of the movie.  There was a Warrior Queen?  Really?  There were also several odd competitions like we were watching an early Roman addition of Survivor.  And, everything culminates into a virtual medley of stock footage volcanoes erupting.  The real problem with this movie (in terms of making it watchable as a BMT movie) is that it’s so mean spirited.  It’s not really fun, and I would highly recommend watching something like Deathstalker 2 instead that’s somewhat similar to this.

03
Sep
21

Kill Chain

Date Watched: 9/2/2021

Starring: The Nic Cage

Plot: Three strangers’ lives are inevitably entangled in a conflict none of them are prepared for.

Rules

  • Rice Cookers, or rice related references
  • Scope Vision (advanced)
  • Dead Assassins
  • Cage saying “cage”

Quotes

  • “I fall into you knowing full well there’s going to be a hard landing.”

Viewer Quotes

  • This is not a quotable movie at all.
  • This is the kind of movie I’ll wake up with no memory of the next morning.
  • “What kind of music is this?” – “This is like two bums happening upon instruments in a dark alley.”

Things We Learned

  • Nobody steals a stripped car
  • What Nic Cage does best is set up kill chains.

Final Take: This movie was trying to be too smart for its own good. It was convoluted and overly complicated, which is not a great recipe for a bad movie thursday hit. There were some good “Nic Cage” moments, on the crazy/bad end of the spectrum, but definitely the most watchable moments of the whole thing. As was quoted above, I probably won’t remember too much of this movie in the morning. Pretty forgettable.




September 2021
M T W T F S S
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
27282930