Archive for September, 2021

27
Sep
21

Escape Plan 3: The Extractors

Escape Plan: The Extractors - Wikipedia

Viewing Date: Aug 12, 2021

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Dave Bautista, Jin Zhang, Harry Shum Jr, Devon Sava, 50 Cent

Plot: The daughter of a Hong Kong tech executive goes missing in what appears to be a routine ransom job. As Breslin and his crew delve deeper, they discover the culprit is the deranged son of one of their former foes, who also kidnapped Breslin’s love and is holding her inside the massive prison known as Devil’s Station. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Product Placements
  • “Zhang”
  • “Wong” (also applies to bad puns from the viewers)
  • “Chine”
  • Stallone goes full Rambo

Viewer Quotes

  • “You messed with the Wong guy.” (and about 10 more like this)

What We Learned

  • Body guards don’t need to be armed, only Ray Breslen
  • 80 year old Sly Stallone is still jacked and can kill people with his bare hands.
  • Not to watch a 4th ‘Escape Plan’, if they decide to make one.

Final Take: This was just a bad movie, but not in a good way. Not much to write about because it was another formulaic, thin plotted action movie where Sly and friends took a pay day for a movie targeting the China market. I think 50 Cent was in one scene, although had one of the top billings of the cast (in the US at least). Dave Bautista was reliably entertaining as the one man wrecking crew, and Sly did have a decent final fight scene. Beyond that… terrible. I did see that this movie may have set a record for having so much of the film as production information (90 seconds of production company logos and nearly 9 mins of credits), so 11.7% of the run time of the film. That’s got to be something- right?

16
Sep
21

Warrior Queen (1987)

Date Watched: 9/16/21

Starring: Donald Pleasance

Plot: In ancient Pompeii, slaves are bought and sold for household chores and sex. A mysterious queen moves among the elite, while secretly helping the slaves to escape.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Say “Pompeii”
  • Stupid long white fans (aka a Flabellum or Flabella for plural)
  • Volcanoes
  • Strange competitions

Quotes:

  • “Give me Money!”
  • “Have some pig, pig.”
  • “Veneria, you’ve become a pathetic old whore.”
  • “That’s my disgusting wife.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • After a guy gets his eyes poked out, “Bet he didn’t see that coming.”
  • “Gladiator totally ripped this off.”
  • “Veneria, is that like a venereal disease (in regards to the character’s name)?”

Things We Learned:

  • Men can keep their underwear on when they get hanged upside down but women cannot.
  • Romans did backwards arm wrestling with a poison spike.

Final Take:

This movie is a bit hard to rate.  On the one hand, it’s an absolute cinematic car crash worth seeing for its absolute ineptitude on every level.  We had no idea what was going on for most of the movie.  There was a Warrior Queen?  Really?  There were also several odd competitions like we were watching an early Roman addition of Survivor.  And, everything culminates into a virtual medley of stock footage volcanoes erupting.  The real problem with this movie (in terms of making it watchable as a BMT movie) is that it’s so mean spirited.  It’s not really fun, and I would highly recommend watching something like Deathstalker 2 instead that’s somewhat similar to this.

03
Sep
21

Kill Chain

Date Watched: 9/2/2021

Starring: The Nic Cage

Plot: Three strangers’ lives are inevitably entangled in a conflict none of them are prepared for.

Rules

  • Rice Cookers, or rice related references
  • Scope Vision (advanced)
  • Dead Assassins
  • Cage saying “cage”

Quotes

  • “I fall into you knowing full well there’s going to be a hard landing.”

Viewer Quotes

  • This is not a quotable movie at all.
  • This is the kind of movie I’ll wake up with no memory of the next morning.
  • “What kind of music is this?” – “This is like two bums happening upon instruments in a dark alley.”

Things We Learned

  • Nobody steals a stripped car
  • What Nic Cage does best is set up kill chains.

Final Take: This movie was trying to be too smart for its own good. It was convoluted and overly complicated, which is not a great recipe for a bad movie thursday hit. There were some good “Nic Cage” moments, on the crazy/bad end of the spectrum, but definitely the most watchable moments of the whole thing. As was quoted above, I probably won’t remember too much of this movie in the morning. Pretty forgettable.




September 2021
M T W T F S S
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
27282930