Archive for March, 2013

29
Mar
13

Piranha 3DD

Image

Starring: Gary Busey, The Hoff, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames

Date: 03/28/2013

Plot:

Magic piranha swim through a complicated network of underground lakes to reach a water park somehow.  They’re probably attracted to their natural habitat in highly chlorinated pool water.  Bring in some annoying tools, lots of boobs, The Hoff, and 4 days of shooting and BAM – you’ve got yourself a movie.  Bring on Piranha 3dd3!

Rules

  • Boobs
  • Guys who are tools.
  • Stupid Music
  • Gratuitous 3d

Quotes

  • “That’s the gassiest cow I’ve ever seen!”
  • “The hole where the water comes out…she’s so wet.”
  • “Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!”
  • “Kids whizzing?  I can handle that.”
  • “Welcome to rock bottom.”
  • “Once these idiots get out of the water, it’s not as if these fish are going to follow them home.”
  • “You went back into the water…you little ginger moron.”
  • “How’d you buy that shotgun leg?” – “With the money I saved on socks.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “So these fish were born out of a cow’s asshole?”
  • “So I guess that’s the end of Gary Busey.”
  • “They’re finding elaborate ways to kill these kids.  I like it.”
  • “Luckily he’s still handcuffed.”
  • “The water park drains into the lake?”
  • “Her great idea is to go back into this lake where she was just attacked by killer piranhas?”
  • “Gee, if only she remembered the last time this happened…earlier today.”
  • “Who thinks it’s going to bite his dick off?”
  • “How did their van get into the middle of the lake?”
  • “Every single guy in this movie is a tool.”
  • “Does he have a leg gun?”

What We Learned

  • Piranha can live inside of a woman for a couple of days.
  • Piranha can chew through bone but not through a penis.
  • Piranha have no problem with chlorinated pool water.
  • Piranha can break through a steel wall but not through a glass tank.
  • Small towns have huge water parks and only one policeman.
  • There’s a vast network of connected underground lakes under the continental US.

Final Take

Piranha 3dd is not as good a movie as the first one, let’s just get that out of the way right now.  All of the big name actors (I use that term loosely) probably showed up for one day of shooting, mailed it in and left with their bag of peanuts.  The good news is that it’s still worth watching.  There’s lots of t&a, gruesome kills, and it definitely doesn’t play itself off as a serious movie.  If you can, you should definitely watch it in 3d as well.  Don’t get me wrong, this is no Avatar, but they’re definitely used liberally throughout the movie and lots of times to great comedic effect.  To top it off, The Hoff actually has a decent amount of screen time and has a few of the best lines.  I also heard that if you buy the movie and like their FB page, The Hoff will send you a hand-written thank you note with a signed head shot.  *Note – thank you is not guaranteed.

08
Mar
13

The Expendables 2

Expendables2

Starring: Everyone and their mothers.

Date Watched: 3/7/2013

Plot: A bunch of old dudes find an excuse to hang out together and blow up a bunch of stuff.  They are joined at various times by other old dudes who pop in to say a few lines from their old movies and then disappear.  This is both the plot of the movie and the plot of the making of the movie.

Rules

  • References to other movies.
  • Way too ridiculousness (subjective: best judgement)
  • Head Popping
  • Explosions (of course – house rule but called out for excessive use)
  • Pictures and references to skulls.
  • Stallone changes hats.
  • Advanced rule: death by knife
  • More advanced: somebody dies

Quotes

  • “Whoa whoa whoa whoa.  My big weapon’s hanging right where it is!”
  • “For all this male pattern badness I’m going to put you in the deepest darkest hole in Gitmo.”
  • “Why is it that the one that wants to live, that deserves to live the most, dies.  And those of us that deserve to die, keep on living?”
  • “What’s the plan?”  – “Track ’em, find ’em, kill ’em.”
  • “”Let’s beat some info out of these guys and get out of here.  Start with the midget.”
  • “Keep it light until it’s time to get dark.  Then it gets pitch black.”
  • “I heard a rumor, that you were bitten by a cobra.”  “Yeah, but after 5 days of agonizing pain, the cobra died.”
  • “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you… man and knife.”
  • “I’ll be back.”  – “You’ve been back enough…I’ll be back.”  – “Yippee-ki-yay.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “They’re out of guns.  Down to knives!”
  • “Now they’re in a plane all of a sudden.  How did that happen?”
  • “How did he get on there?  People just appear on their vehicles!”
  • “They flew all the way to New York in that plane from China.  Alrighty then.”
  • “Why can’t you talk, Mr. Stallone?”
  • “How’s he getting a phone call out here in the Albanian woods?’
  • “Sweet, sweet vengeance is now a requirement.”
  • “Oh, you’re an evil son-of-a-bitch, Jean Claude Van Damme.”
  • “That is sleep apnea if I’ve ever seen it.”
  • “That’s not carving up a turkey, that’s cutting off a man’s head!”
  • “Does that mean he made her do it?”

What We Learned

  • Sequels can be better than the original.
  • Dolph Lundgren is a chemical engineer.
  • 5 tons of plutonium is worth 22 billion dollars.
  • There’s 1940’s burned out towns in the middle of Albania.
  • Chuck Norris will show up when you most need him, single-handedly killing 30 men and blowing up a tank in 20 seconds.

Final Take

This was actually a pretty entertaining movie.  It took the ridulousness of the first movie to a whole new level, which is exactly what I was hoping to see.  Lots of explosions and plenty of blatant callbacks to each stars’ signature roles.  I don’t know if I’d want to see Sylvester Stallone in the next one, though, since he appears to be hitting the old age wall pretty hard.  For that matter, Jean Claude Van Damme didn’t appear too much better.  Despite their appearance, the final climactic battle between them wasn’t too shabby.  As far as Bad Movie Thursday viewing material, this was a win.  I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it to other like-minded people looking for an over the top action flick that’s not afraid to laugh at itself.

07
Mar
13

Vs aka All superheroes must die (2011)

All superheroes must die

Date Watched: 2/28/2013

Starring: Jason Trost and James Remar

Where Found:  Amazon Video On Demand

Plot:  Four Super Heroes find themselves abducted by their Arch Nemesis and are forced to compete in a series of challenges in order to save an abandoned town full of kidnapped innocent civilians.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

Take off a bandaid and show a bruise on their wrist

Superheroes take off a mask

Use a superpower

Say a superheroes name

Superhero dies

Quotes:        

“F&CK, you have 80 seconds.”

“Charlie’s screwed.  He’s gonna die soon.”

“F&ck it.”

“Tell shadow I’m sorry about the stabbing.”

“Pain’s just a suggestion.”

“Backup plans are for people who expect to fail.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Oh yeah, fighting on a trampoline in a cage.”

“These superheroes are not very good at saving people’s lives.”

“Is that his boner alarm going off?”

“Why is that guy wearing a bear suit?”

Things We Learned:

Superheroes aren’t always very super.

Like in the movie “Speed” the best thing to do in a hostage situation is to shoot the hostage.  Except here we learned you should actually just go ahead and kill the hostage too.

Final Take:

We were really excited about this movie after the wonderful JTro movie “The FP”.  This was a big letdown.  According to IMDB it was shot for $20,000, written in 4 days, and filmed over 15 days.  Holy crap could you tell.

I don’t really know what the point of this movie was.  It wasn’t really a satire like “The FP”.  It wasn’t over the top.  It was just there.  I can’t really recommend this movie to others.  I commend JTro for putting this together w/o much time or funding, but the real question is why bother?  Maybe JTro is using the funds for something bigger coming up?  Until then, we have to take him down off of our must watch list.