Archive for May, 2012

25
May
12

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Image

Starring

????

Plot

A platoon of eagle & vultures attack the residence of a small town. Many people died. It’s not known what caused the flying menace to attack. Two people managed to fight back, but will they survive Birdemic? (editor’s note: this was copied from IMDB, spelling/grammatical errors and all.)

Rules

  • Pecking of eyes
  • Child predicts/points out danger and is hushed.
  • Bird poop
  • Imagine Peace
  • “Hanging out with my family.  Having ourselves a party.”
  • CGI Muzzle flash
  • “Eagle Attack”
  • “Global Warming”
Quotes
  • “I’m a fashion model.” – “And a pretty one at that!”
  • “A date without sex is a date wasted, man.”
  • “Besides, I love my mustang, which is a plug-in hybrid.  It gets a hundred MPG.” (what?)
  • “Oh!  Lovers on the moon.”
  • “The eagles killed Becky!”
  • “No I’m sorry, you know.  All phones are dead from the eagle attack.  All phones are dead up here.”
  • “Whoa!  I hear a mountain lion.  That’s my queue to go.  Very nice to meet you.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Awful intro, so hard to sit through.”
  • “You should have to waterfall through this whole terrible opening.”
  • “Is this netflix stream quality or editing issues?”
  • “Home video alert.”
  • “This sound guy will never work in movies again.”
  • “Why is everything tilted?”
  • “Listen to this song.  Is it a boy going out for his paper route?  Sounds like an 80’s Christmas movie.”
  • “If it was filmed in 2010, why does it look like 1992?”
  • “See you then???  They didn’t even pick a time or a restaurant!”
  • “Where the hell are the birds?  Isn’t this movie about birds?”
  • “This Rod guy needs a whole lot less camera time.  Worst. Actor. Ever.”
  • “Terrible fake birds.  OMG.  CGI Parrots.”
  • “I guess they’re boyfriend and girlfriend, but it really looked like that guy paid for a massage.”
  • “A plug-in hybrid mustang?  Where’s this writer from?”
  • “Are birds a metaphor for something else?  Where are all the birds?”
  • “I can’t believe this is on Netflix.  Netflix has zero standards.”
  • “Isn’t this guy a millionaire?  And they’re in a no-tell motel?  Come on.”
  • “And now, an awkward diatribe on Global Warming by the old man on the bridge. “
  • “Where should we go to get away from these birds?  I know, away from the car and into the woods!”

What We Learned

  • Birdemics are unwatchable and require 50 minutes of plot development before birds are introduced.
  • Birds explode on impact.
  • All birds sound like seagulls and can hover in midair.
  • Eagles can cut our lines of communication.
  • Ford makes a plug-in 100 MPG mustang hybrid.
  • Hangers make the perfect weapon against rogue eagles.
  • Eagles and vultures attack by hovering motionless in your face.
  • Global Warming causes Bird Flu, Sars, and West Nile Virus, and will result in bird attacks.
  • Eagles will sometimes announce their attack, and other times drop down and slit your throat with no warning.
  • Gas goes for 100 bucks a gallon during birdemics.
  • It all leads back to Global Warming.
  • Some exploding eagles are duds.
Advertisements
23
May
12

Hobo With A Shotgun

Image

Starring

Rutger Hauer!!! (and a shotgun)

Plot

The name says it all.  A hobo uses a shotgun to rid the world of those filthier than himself.  One of the best and most quotable Thursday movies.  Don’t plan on being very productive the next day if you’re following the advanced rules.

Rules

  • “Hobo”
  • Cocking the shotgun
  • Hobo cliches
  • Hobo weapon upgrade
  • References to bears

Quotes

  • “Let it slide.” – “The only thing I’m going to let slide is my dick in your pussy!”
  • “How many people have you killed?” – “What am I, a mathematician?”
  • “I’m going to sleep in your bloody carcasses tonight.”
  • “When life gives you razor blades, you make a baseball bat out of razor blades.”
  • “She’s so hot, I’d eat the peanuts out of her shit!”
  • “Don’t shoot my dick off!  I got too much fucking left to do!”
  • “You can’t solve all the world’s problems with a shotgun.” – “It’s all I know.”
  • “Maybe you’ll end up like me, a hobo with a shotgun.”
  • “Get your hands off me, demons!  You’re crushing my smokes!”
  • “You and me are going on a car ride to hell.  You’re riding shotgun.”
23
May
12

Yellowbeard

Image

Starring

Cheech and Chong and John Cleese (for 2 minutes)

Plot

Yellowbeard, a pirate’s pirate, is allowed to escape from prison to lead the authorities to his treasure. He finds that his wife neglected to tell him that he now has a son, 20, and shame of shame, an intellectual. The British Navy, Yellowbeard, his son, and members of Yellowbeard’s old crew all go after the treasure.

Rules

  • “Yellowbeard”
  • References to the reefer.
  • Cliche pirate crap
  • Every time there is a “raping”.

Quotes

  • “I was raping you, if that’s what you mean.”
  • “I’ll nail your tits to the table.”
  • “Never trust your woman or a government.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Cheech and Chong.”
  • “There’s really no good rape jokes in PG movies anymore.”
  • “What is happening in this movie??”
23
May
12

Karate Cop

Image

Starring

Nobody (and Ron Marchini)

Plot

John Travis is the last honest cop in a future dominated by terroristic martial-arts gangs who fight gladiator-style in arenas.  Unintentional comedy ensues.

Rules

  • “Snake”
  • References to “The Crystal”
  • References to “The Law”
  • Kicks to the face

Quotes

  • “I thought all lawmen were dead.” – “Well, this one’s still kicking!”
  • “Where’s the dog?” – “He always disappears when there’s trouble.”
  • “Adios, you ugly son of a bitch!”
  • “Hey fella, wanna dance?” – “Sorry, my feet are killing me.” – “You’re not the only one.”
  • “It’s time for Plan B.” – “What’s that?” – “R – U – N!”
  • “Assholes to ashes.  Dictators to dust.” 
23
May
12

The Marine

Starring

Matt Damon on steroids (aka John Cena)

Plot

John Cena brings the excitement of wrestling to the big screen in this awesome shoot-em-up.  So if you don’t like wrestling, consider that fair warning.  There are some explosions, shootings, and more explosions.  Get ready.

Rules

  • “Marine” (The word marine is spoken.  Worth 2 if its Cena who says it.)
  • A salute
  • A car gets air
  • Any mention of Rock Candy

Movie Quotes

  • “They have a hostage…It’s my wife!”
  • “What is this guy?  The terminator?”
  • “His name was Tim…Timothy.  He called himself Johnny Whiplash.  First he offered me friendship, then he offered me rock candy, then he offered me something I never should have accepted.” (i.e. butt sex, and dueling banjos starts playing in the background.)