Archive for July, 2016

29
Jul
16

Bad Milo!

BadMilo

Date Watched: 7/28/2016

Starring:  Ken Marino, Gillian Jacobs, Patrick Warburton, and lots of cameos

Plot: A man learns that his unusual stomach pains are being caused by a demon living in his intestines.

Rules

  • References to poop/butt
  • Whenever Allistair speaks
  • Poop demon pops out of butt
  • Don’t forget the house rule – creature-vision.
  • Every time he fires people.
  • “Racoon attack”

Quotes

  • “You got a thing in your butt… you got a trooper in your pooper.”
  • “Witch Doctor!” – parrot
  • “I’m here to help people.”  –  “Well, thanks for coming.”
  • “Are you two planning on having a baby?”  –  “Not the way we do it.”
  • “Be safe in there, don’t rip anything.”
  • “Wow…how’s your ass?”
  • “There’s an ancient myth surrounding the anus.”
  • “My mentor always told me…stop carrying the horse on your shoulders.  Put him between your legs and ride him!”
  • “Big fat babies come out of tiny vaginas.  Maybe your anus is like a vagina.”
  • “Is that poop on your shirt?”
  • “If you want to survive, you got to take a dump on your enemies, or else you eat a shit sandwich.”
  • “Kill it with fire.  Put the fire in the face.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Just another night at our house.”

Things We Learned

  • You can go from being an accountant to an HR manager in charge of firing people.
  • You can fix your inner demons by bonding with them.
  • Repressed anger can live in your ass.

Final Take:

15
Jul
16

Zoombies (2016)

Zoombies Poster

Date Watched: 5/12/16

Plot: When a strange virus quickly spreads through a safari park and turns all the zoo animals undead, those left in the park must stop the creatures before they escape and zombify the whole city.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Terrible green screen animals

Rules:

Animal Zombies

Giraffes – Zombie Giraffes = drink two

Say “Eden”

Jump Scares

Drone shots of the park

Quotes:

“Let’s just say that I got drunk at the wrong bar with the wrong policeman.”

“You don’t look like the kind of girl that likes to get dirty.”

“I swear that gorilla was trying to mate with me.”

“Excuse me intern, this is my sanctuary, and I decide what’s good!”

Viewer Quotes:

“They have a tracker on every dinosaur in the park… I mean err, animal.”

“I wish that little girl would turn into a zombie.”

“Is he going to kill Clay Mathews?”

Things We Learned:

-Irritating little girls are worse than terrible monkey special effects or guys in phony gorilla suits.

-Zombie giraffes like to attack in pairs and draw and quarter their victims.

-Zombieism makes animals smarter, faster, and stronger.

-Guts make good eagle’s nests.

Final Take:

It was an OK rip-off of Jurassic World.  The zombie giraffes were great, but very limited in their screen time.  If they ever do a sequel, I hope that they make them the true stars that they are.

15
Jul
16

Harbinger Down

harbingerdown

Watched: 7/14/2016

Starring:  Lance Henriksen

Plot: A group of grad students have booked passage on the crabbing boat Harbinger to study the effects of global warming on a pod of Belugas in the Bering Sea. When the ship’s crew dredges up a recently thawed piece of old Soviet space wreckage, things get downright deadly. It seems that the Russians experimented with tardigrades, tiny resilient animals able to withstand the extremes of space radiation. The creatures survived, but not without mutation. Now the crew is exposed to aggressively mutating organisms. And after being locked in ice for 3 decades, the creatures aren’t about to give up the warmth of human companionship. (via imdb)

Rules

  • Monster tentacles
  • Freezing stuff
  • Translating Russian
  • Professor douchebag acting like a douchebag.
  • Say “Tardigrade” or “Water Bear”
  • We see the Russian character’s crazy eyes

Quotes

“Are you all the way from Russia?”  “All the way?  It’s right there.  I can see Alaska from my house.”

“Is this because of our space man?”

“We’re going to to need a bigger bucket.”

Viewer Quotes

“Did we figure out why Macy Gray is on the boat?”

“Too many glory holes for a man to get stuck in.”

What We Learned

  •  If you’ve lived on the sea, you’ve earned the nickname “Doc”
  • Freeze melts, fire is forever.
  • Men can’t fit down in the hull of the boat for some reason.
  • Crashing a boat into an iceberg will kill a parasitic organism that can  live in space or frozen for decades in ice.

Final Take

Not terrible.  It was refreshing to see a recent movie that didn’t rely on terrible CGI for effects.  They weren’t the best effects, but similar enough to good 80’s creature movies like The Thing, Leviathan, Deep Star Six, etc, to make this one enjoyable.  It had the requisite cliche characters, but overall worth watching.

01
Jul
16

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs (2015)

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs Poster

Date Watched: 6/30/15

Plot: After an accidental explosion at a local mine, dinosaurs emerge from the rubble to terrorize a small western town. Now, a group of gunslingers must defend their home if anyone is going to survive in a battle of cowboys versus dinosaurs.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Eric Roberts in a role that time forgot

Rules:

-Cowboy clichés

-Dinosaurs eating people

-Girls in bikinis

-Montana scenic shots

-Eric Roberts vomits

Quotes:

“Apparently he was attacked by a wild animal last night.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a bear claw.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a fossil.”

“That ain’t no mountain lion.”

After the dinosaurs jump out of the hole in the ground… “I think we’re too late.”

“You made your bed and now you can die in it.”

“You’re history.”

Viewer Quotes:

“That cowboy is totally going to order a coffee and a pecan pie.”

“Those are totally Montana skanks.”

“Can you still drink in the car in Montana?”

To the miners on their way to into the mine… “Are those the dwarves on their way to work?  Hi ho, hi ho.”

Things We Learned:

Velociraptors love to jump in the water to eat people.

Dinosaurs are attracted to propane tanks.

The best place to hide from a dinosaur attack is the washing machine at the laundry mat.

Dinosaurs will not eat horses even if they are right there.

Final Take:

This was pretty much generic Syfy fodder if you’re in the mood for that sort of thing.  I’m not quite sure what attracted Eric Roberts to this particular role.  I would think that if I was brought a script that had me puking my guts out for half of my time on camera, I might pass.  On second thought, I totally get it, and I would have done it too.