Posts Tagged ‘Awkward

21
May
20

Recoil (2011)

Recoil

Date watched: 5/21/20

Starring: Steve Austin, Danny Trejo

Plot: A cop turns vigilante after his family is murdered, exacting vengeance on the killers – and then on all criminals who have slipped through the system.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • References to the state of WA
  • References to vigilante justice
  • Steve Austin shows his scars or cuts himself
  • Danny Trejo finds a new way to torture someone
  • Wrestling moves

Quotes:

  • “I’m not leaving until I kill something.”
  • “They just turned Dale Burrows into abstract art.”  (response to killing the guy.)
  • “Kill him.”  “Who?”  “Everyone!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “That’s what you get for not social distancing.”
  • “There’s no hope in Pierce County, WA.”
  • “Is he drinking cocaine juice?”

Things We Learned:

Danny Trejo is currently 76 years old.

Final Take: There’s not much to note on this one.  I think that we had a decent time watching it, but there’s almost nothing memorable about it, except that there were some references to the state of Washington.

13
Feb
20

Between Worlds (2018)

between Worlds

Date watched: 2/13/20

Starring: Nic Cage, woman from “Run Lola Run”

Plot: Joe meets a mother who can contact spirits when suffocating. Her daughter is dying when Joe helps the mother spiritually contact the daughter and save her. Unfortunately, the spirit in the daughter’s body is now that of Joe’s dead wife. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Every time Nic Cage drinks.
  • People talk about leaving their body or leave their body.

Quotes:

  • “Just ring it up Ricardo!”
  • “Next time why don’t you wrestle a man gator”
  • Woman asks the question: “Do you have family?”  Nic Cage answer: “wife and daughter, you like? (holding up their picture)… oops, they’re dead!”
  • Nice Cage to woman: “I smell like three days on the road.”  Her response: “I like it.”
  • “A man without a truck isn’t a man.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Does Nic Cages hat actually say Turkey and the Wolf?”
  • What the daughter should ask the Mom when Nic Cage walks in with her, “who’s that scumbag with you?”

Things we learned:

  • Nic Cage’s favorite food is truck stop hot dogs.
  • Nic Cage wears a lot of stupid rings.

Final Take:  Not too shabby.  It was weird and well acted by everyone other than Nic Cage, although he certainly had his moments.  It was a decent addition to the Nic Cage library and worth checking out.

05
Dec
19

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014)

Kirk Cameron Saving Christmas

Date Watched: 12/5/19

Starring: Kirk Cameron and “Friends”

Plot: His annual Christmas party faltering thanks to his cynical brother-in-law, former Growing Pains star Kirk Cameron attempts to save the day by showing him that Jesus Christ remains a crucial component of the over-commercialized holiday. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Cocoa” or drink hot cocoa
  • Dubious history lessons
  • Mentions of the Bible
  • Kirk Cameron dropping “knowledge” (But it looks like he’s dropping a deuce)

 

Quotes:

  • “The things about stories is that they are tricky.”
  • “Where’s HO HO HO in the Bible?”

 

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This was definitely filmed on an iPhone camera.”
  • “Christmas is about elf worship.”
  • “Kirk Cameron is not the person to be knocking the rock.”
  • “Oh no, this movie is only going to take place in a car.”
  • “Is that Branden Fraser?  I really want it to be Brendan Fraser.”

 

Things We Learned:

  • Ska is so low right now that its in the main title sequence for this movie.
  • Bill on the couch doesn’t need help.
  • Santa Claus aka St. Nick beat people up who didn’t agree with him.
  • Presents are representative of the city of Jerusalem.

 

Final Take: Wow, this is really one for the ages.  I’m not sure that we can recommend it, but it is something to behold.  The movie boils down to two dudes talking in a car.  One of them proposes fairly logical questions, and the other uses completely nonsensical gibberish as a rebuttal.  This being Kirk Cameron’s movie, the gibberish wins out.  This “movie” is super short and mixes in a few other random scenes to make it over an hour in length, including a never ending final dance sequence.  I think we need to do a college symposium to really flush out everything that is wrong or confounding with what’s going on in this film.

 

11
Apr
19

Dog Eat Dog (2016)

Dog Eat Dog

Date Watched: 4/11/19

Starring: Willem Dafoe, Sir Nic Cage

Plot:

A crew of ex-cons are hired by a Cleveland mafioso to kidnap the baby of a rival mobster.  (From IMDB.com)

Rules:
Taking drugs
Any crimes or attempted crimes
Anytime they say “Dog”

Quotes:
“We’re never going to collaborate on making really cool original cupcakes ever again!”
“Have you ever been to Nice?” “No, what’s that?”

Viewer Quotes:
“There’s nothing I’d like to see less.” (In regards to seeing a adult performer grind on Nic Cage.)
“Who’s a better actor Nic Cage or Freddie Prinze Jr.?” “What about Cage vs Dolf Lundgren?” “Mario Van Peebles?”

Things We Learned:
Casinos make you have ice cubes in your scotch, to keep you from getting drunk too quickly.
Babynapping doesn’t sound too good.
You can be handcuffed and dragged behind a car and easily get away.

Final Take:
Weird film.  The opening scene with Willem Dafoe is particularly… interesting?  I don’t think that we can recommend this movie, but it’s got some things going for it.  It doesn’t quite get to full on Cage craziness.  They should have just gone for it.  Still, at least it wasn’t boring.

21
Feb
19

Robo Vampire 3 aka The Vampire is Still Alive aka Counter Destroy (1989)

Counter Destroy

Viewing Date: 2/21/19

Starring: No One

Plot: Joyce rents an old haunted home to pen her horror script, which releases an evil army of robot vampires, a knife-wielding demon and a battalion of otherworldly creatures (from IMDB).

Rules:
Something supernatural happens
Vampires
Abrupt scene changes

Quotes:
“Why man kill 2 beautiful girl.”
“I forgot to tell him we are the police.”
“You’re efficiency is extremely low. You’ve got to take some action now.”

Viewer Quotes:
“Why couldn’t they be in the bath together, shaving each other with a can of Barbasal.”
“Those are nice melons.”
“This is probably the most incoherent plot we’ve ever watched on a BMT.”

Things We Learned:
Rotary phones can kill.
The sacred bird can tell your fortune from sealed envelopes.
Vampires hop like rabbits.
The best way to kill someone is jumping over a car and slicing them with a putty knife.

Final Take:

Bad, and not in a good way.  We cannot recommend this movie, as it was a slog to get through.  Too bad.  There was a lot of potential here, but the mishmash of a bunch of other movies doesn’t work.

10
May
18

Vengeance: A Love Story (2017)

Vengeance

Date Watched: 5/10/18

Plot: A gulf war veteran seeks vengeance against those who assaulted a single mother.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Nic Cage, Don Johnson

Rules:
-Gorgeous ladies all over Nic Cage
-Nic Cage throwing or beating people up
-Every time Don Johnson is silver tongued
-Nic Cage at the falls

Quotes:

“His cousin’s a plumber, always buying his wife that expensive jewelry and sh%t.”
From the priest, “A gang rape in the city park, that’s bad for business.”
“Raising two kids is the same as raising one, that’s why a woman’s got two t&ts.”

Viewer Quotes:
“Enough of this. Nic Cage needs to start killing people.”
“Is there going to be like 5 min of Nic Cage exacting justice?”

Things we Learned:
15 people can drink 5 kegs.
At 54, Nic Cage is still holding out for a daughter.

Final Take:

This should have been much better.  It had all of the ingredients for success, including of course a fired up Nic Cage, and Don Johnson as a slimy antihero.  The movie squandered all of that promise by limiting the Nic Cage rage time and amping up  the unnecessarily graphic rape scene.  Also, the entire town and judicial system turning against this poor mom was a big turnoff.  There are other much better Cage movies out there that are more deserving of your time.

17
Apr
15

I, Frankenstein (2014)

I, Frank

Viewing Date: 4/16/15

Plot: Frankenstein’s creature finds himself caught in an all-out, centuries old war between two immortal clans.  (From IMDB)

Starring:  Aaron Eckhart, Bill Nighy, and Jai Courtney

Rules:

Say “Adam”

Every time you can tell the movie is ripping off other movies: i.e. Resident Evil, Underworld, Van Helsing, The Matrix, Blade, etc., etc., etc.

Speaking in demon voices or showing red demon eyes

Quotes:

-To Frankenstein’s Monster:  “We shall call you Adam.”

“I know of no other way.  I am not human… or demon… or gargoyle.”

“Now bring me Frankenstein’s Monster!”

“Descend in pain, demon.”

“I think your boss is a demon prince.”

“I’ve never had to thank a human for anything before.”

“You go talk to the Gargoyle Queen, I’ll meet you back here in an hour.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Watching Bill Nye just reminds me of Love Actually.”

“Who are supposed to be the good guys again?”

“There is a lot going on in the movie, but I don’t care about any of it.”

“Do you think he has a stitched together penis?”

“Demons are stupid looking.  I feel like I’m watching an episode of Grimm.”

Things we learned:

-Demons eyes glow red at night clubs.

-Frankenstein’s Monster prefers stupid looking walking sticks as his weapon of choice.

-There has been a century’s long war taking place between demons and gargoyles.

-Working for demon’s doesn’t pay very much, even if you’re an expert in electromagnetics, as evidenced by the complete sh$thole apartment that the main scientist lives in.

-The Gargoyle Queen has a sacred duty to destroy Frankenstein’s Monster.

-Reanimating corpses have a status bar that lights up on their chests to be able to tell their progress.

Final Take:

For a movie with a lot going on, not much is actually going on.  There was little to no character development.  Maybe there is a longer cut of the movie out there where the story is comprised of more than just cardboard cutouts?  (Not that I care or would want to watch it.)  It’s really just a cheap copy of other infinitely better (Matrix) or slightly better (Van Helsing) movies.  It’s fine for watching for free on Netflix, but god help those poor souls that actually paid money in the theaters to watch this dreck.

27
Mar
15

Nazis at the center of the earth (2012)

Nazis

Viewing Date: 3/26/15

Plot:

Researchers in Antarctica are abducted by a team of masked storm troopers. They are dragged deep underground to a hidden continent in the center of the earth. Here Nazi survivors, their bodies a horrifying patchwork of decaying and regenerated flesh, are planning for the revival of the Third Reich. (From IMDB)

Starring:

Dominique Swain and Jake Busey

Rules:

  • Nazi clichés
  • Nazis dying
  • Faces getting ripped off
  • Every time blond chick runs

Quotes:

“What is wrong with you, you’re never squeamish?”  (After her friend’s brain has been ripped out and girl vomits.)

Viewer Quotes:

“So one guy has been delivering people to the Nazis for years to use as spare parts and nobody has noticed?”

“Where did he get that baseball?”

“That is the worst thing you can say to a Robo-Hitler.”

Things we learned:

  • To tear someone’s face off, you just need to cut them a little bit at the top of their head.
  • There are mountains and temples at the center of the earth.
  • It’s not cold at the center of the earth.
  • Nazis have UFO technology.

Final Take:

For a movie with great promise, it just doesn’t really deliver.  It goes to places that it shouldn’t go – zombie rape and abortion scenes – that make it mean spirited and take the fun out of it.  This should have just been over the top ridiculousness.  If you’re looking for a silly zombie Nazi movie, I would definitely check out “Dead Snow” instead.

25
May
12

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Image

Starring

????

Plot

A platoon of eagle & vultures attack the residence of a small town. Many people died. It’s not known what caused the flying menace to attack. Two people managed to fight back, but will they survive Birdemic? (editor’s note: this was copied from IMDB, spelling/grammatical errors and all.)

Rules

  • Pecking of eyes
  • Child predicts/points out danger and is hushed.
  • Bird poop
  • Imagine Peace
  • “Hanging out with my family.  Having ourselves a party.”
  • CGI Muzzle flash
  • “Eagle Attack”
  • “Global Warming”
Quotes
  • “I’m a fashion model.” – “And a pretty one at that!”
  • “A date without sex is a date wasted, man.”
  • “Besides, I love my mustang, which is a plug-in hybrid.  It gets a hundred MPG.” (what?)
  • “Oh!  Lovers on the moon.”
  • “The eagles killed Becky!”
  • “No I’m sorry, you know.  All phones are dead from the eagle attack.  All phones are dead up here.”
  • “Whoa!  I hear a mountain lion.  That’s my queue to go.  Very nice to meet you.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Awful intro, so hard to sit through.”
  • “You should have to waterfall through this whole terrible opening.”
  • “Is this netflix stream quality or editing issues?”
  • “Home video alert.”
  • “This sound guy will never work in movies again.”
  • “Why is everything tilted?”
  • “Listen to this song.  Is it a boy going out for his paper route?  Sounds like an 80’s Christmas movie.”
  • “If it was filmed in 2010, why does it look like 1992?”
  • “See you then???  They didn’t even pick a time or a restaurant!”
  • “Where the hell are the birds?  Isn’t this movie about birds?”
  • “This Rod guy needs a whole lot less camera time.  Worst. Actor. Ever.”
  • “Terrible fake birds.  OMG.  CGI Parrots.”
  • “I guess they’re boyfriend and girlfriend, but it really looked like that guy paid for a massage.”
  • “A plug-in hybrid mustang?  Where’s this writer from?”
  • “Are birds a metaphor for something else?  Where are all the birds?”
  • “I can’t believe this is on Netflix.  Netflix has zero standards.”
  • “Isn’t this guy a millionaire?  And they’re in a no-tell motel?  Come on.”
  • “And now, an awkward diatribe on Global Warming by the old man on the bridge. “
  • “Where should we go to get away from these birds?  I know, away from the car and into the woods!”

What We Learned

  • Birdemics are unwatchable and require 50 minutes of plot development before birds are introduced.
  • Birds explode on impact.
  • All birds sound like seagulls and can hover in midair.
  • Eagles can cut our lines of communication.
  • Ford makes a plug-in 100 MPG mustang hybrid.
  • Hangers make the perfect weapon against rogue eagles.
  • Eagles and vultures attack by hovering motionless in your face.
  • Global Warming causes Bird Flu, Sars, and West Nile Virus, and will result in bird attacks.
  • Eagles will sometimes announce their attack, and other times drop down and slit your throat with no warning.
  • Gas goes for 100 bucks a gallon during birdemics.
  • It all leads back to Global Warming.
  • Some exploding eagles are duds.



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