Posts Tagged ‘Awkward

09
Feb
23

Ski School (1990)

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Categories: Bad Movies and Nudity
Tags: , , , , , ,

Date watched: 2/9/23

Starring: Guy from Summer School and other late 80’s/early 90’s hijinks actors

Plot: Rival ski instructors at a prestigious mountain school compete to save their jobs. The infamous “Section Eight”, a popular group of skiing partiers are up against some rich stiffs whose only thought is beating their arch rivals in the annual spring pageant.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Pranks
  • Ski jumps or tricks
  • Every time they drink beers
  • Advanced rule = you see neon

Quotes:

  • To well-endowed woman: “Hey, you’ve got really big… muscles.”
  • Love talk (aka romantic dialogue): “Hi” Response: “Hey”
  • Later love talk: “Hi” Response: “Hi”
  • “That’s right Johnny, you didn’t say anything.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “I hope these aren’t the ski instructors instructing our kids.”
  • “That guy is my favorite buffoon.  He’s supposed to be the bad guy, but he’s just so inept.”

Things we learned:

  • You need a spotter with 10 pound weights.
  • Neon means you’re a good guy.
  • The best way to win a ski contest is to lasso the competitor with a grappling hook and drag them down.
  • In order to be the best, you must lose your mind.

Final Take:

This was everything that you’d think it was and maybe a little more?  Or less?  Some of the “humor” and female characterizations have aged pretty poorly, but I’m not sure what else you’d expect from a movie like this.  It’s the kind of lowest common denominator film (using that term extremely loosely) that you used to see on USA’s “Up All Night”.  As I was writing this up, I realized that there was a Ski School 2 made, and I kind of want to see it.  So, I guess that means that this movie would be recommended.

19
May
22

Avalanche Sharks (2014)

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Categories: Bad CGI, Bad Movies, God Awful, Knock-Offs and Rules
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Date Watched: 5/19/22

Starring: No one we know.

Plot: Avalanche Sharks tells the story of a bikini contest that turns into a horrifying affair when it is hit by a shark avalanche. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Electrical disturbances
  • Shark fins/shark kills
  • Bikinis
  • Say “Skookum”
  • Montage scenes
  • Say “Mammoth”

Quotes:

  • “Is it weird that signs like that give me a hard on?”
  • “I never said he couldn’t lust after me.”
  • Q: “We can’t just sit around drink beer and have sex all the time.”  A: “Why not? I thought you liked beer.”
  • “I mean she was mauled to death.  There was nothing left to make a sloppy joe.”
  • “No Dale, I’m not crazy.  I’m a marine.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This movie is filmed like a promotional video for Mammoth.” 

Things we learned:

  • The best time to exercise is when you’re high.
  • The best way to settle a dispute over a girl is a sweet snowmobile race.

Final Take:

Woof.  This sounded really intriguing and over the top, but it failed terribly with the execution.  Bad CGI kills that aren’t particularly fun.  Random skiing stock footage scenes.  Billed as “the story of a bikini contest”, except there’s no bikini contest. 

03
Feb
22

Yor:  The Hunter from the Future (1983)

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Categories: Aliens, Amazon women, Bad CGI, Bad Movies, Foreign, God Awful, Knock-Offs, Mutants, Postapocalyptic and Rules
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Date watched: 2/3/22

Starring: Reb Brown (nominated for a Razzie for this role)

Plot: A warrior seeks his true origins in a seemingly prehistoric wasteland. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Theme song being played
  • Dinosaurs
  • Say “Yor”
  • Old man shoots his arrow
  • Rocks that look like penises

Quotes:

  • “Yor’s different than other guys.”
  • “DAMN talking box!”

Viewer Quotes:                                   

  • “Is he from the future even though he looks like He-Man?”
  • “Is that a Triceratops crossed with a Stegosaurus… a Tristegatops?”
  • “There’s no monogamy in cave man days.”
  • “They should reboot this franchise.”  “No!”

Things we learned:

  • The best way to kill a Tristegatops is with an axe.
  • It’s hard to hide a boner wearing a loin cloth.  Wait, we already knew that from years ago.
  • Bad guys in the olden days wore purple paint on their faces.
  • Yor is good at being captured.
  • A generous man does what his heart commands.

Final Take:

This movie really had it all. It’s hard to believe that the movie at the end was the same movie that we started with. For most of the run time, we had no idea where the “Hunter from the Future” tagline came from. Then all of the sudden the Darth Vader clones showed up. (Actually, they kind of look more like Dark Helmet.) According to IMDB, this was originally an Italian miniseries that ran 200 minutes and was split into four parts. Now, condensed into one 90 minute movie, it operates as somewhat of a weird fever dream. If it were rated “R” and just went all out with the gore and craziness it would be a lot better. As it stands, it’s just kind of weird and tame.

16
Sep
21

Warrior Queen (1987)

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Categories: Amazon women, Bad Movies, God Awful, Gory, Historical Fiction, Nudity, Rules and Well known actors slumming it
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Date Watched: 9/16/21

Starring: Donald Pleasance

Plot: In ancient Pompeii, slaves are bought and sold for household chores and sex. A mysterious queen moves among the elite, while secretly helping the slaves to escape.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Say “Pompeii”
  • Stupid long white fans (aka a Flabellum or Flabella for plural)
  • Volcanoes
  • Strange competitions

Quotes:

  • “Give me Money!”
  • “Have some pig, pig.”
  • “Veneria, you’ve become a pathetic old whore.”
  • “That’s my disgusting wife.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • After a guy gets his eyes poked out, “Bet he didn’t see that coming.”
  • “Gladiator totally ripped this off.”
  • “Veneria, is that like a venereal disease (in regards to the character’s name)?”

Things We Learned:

  • Men can keep their underwear on when they get hanged upside down but women cannot.
  • Romans did backwards arm wrestling with a poison spike.

Final Take:

This movie is a bit hard to rate.  On the one hand, it’s an absolute cinematic car crash worth seeing for its absolute ineptitude on every level.  We had no idea what was going on for most of the movie.  There was a Warrior Queen?  Really?  There were also several odd competitions like we were watching an early Roman addition of Survivor.  And, everything culminates into a virtual medley of stock footage volcanoes erupting.  The real problem with this movie (in terms of making it watchable as a BMT movie) is that it’s so mean spirited.  It’s not really fun, and I would highly recommend watching something like Deathstalker 2 instead that’s somewhat similar to this.

29
Jul
21

Escape Plan 2: Hades (2018)

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Categories: Bad Movies, Rules, Spin-off or sequel, Washed up actors and Well known actors slumming it
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Date watched: 7/29/21

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Dave Bautista, Xiaoming Huang (really the star of the movie), 50 cent (no vitamin water seen in the movie), kid from Desperate Housewives,  Amos from the Expanse

Plot: Years after he fought his way out of an inescapable prison, Ray Breslin has organized a new top-notch security force. But when one of his team members goes missing, Breslin must return to the hell he once escaped from. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Algorithm”
  • Say “1764”
  • Product placement
  • Say “All prisoners return to your spoke”

Quotes:

  • “I need you to kick my ass.”
  • “Turns out the doctor is a lamp stand.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This movie feels a lot like Major League Soccer.  The league’s in China and we send them all of our aging stars out for one last paycheck.”
  • “Sly looks like he’s wearing a wax mask…  Or a Reagan mask.”

Things We Learned:

  • There’s an algorithm you can use to deal with terrorist extractions… but never trust it.
  • The best way to share confidential information is on sticky notes.
  • The best way to build an inescapable prison is to have one that rotates.  But it doesn’t matter, as Sly will find a way out.

Final Take:

This was pretty silly and painless.  It’s certainly not a classic, but it went down easy.  (Much like Coors Light on a boat on the lake in the summer while listening to Michael McDonald.) 

21
May
20

Recoil (2011)

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Categories: Bad Movies, Revenge, Uncategorized, Washed up actors and Well known actors slumming it
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Recoil

Date watched: 5/21/20

Starring: Steve Austin, Danny Trejo

Plot: A cop turns vigilante after his family is murdered, exacting vengeance on the killers – and then on all criminals who have slipped through the system.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • References to the state of WA
  • References to vigilante justice
  • Steve Austin shows his scars or cuts himself
  • Danny Trejo finds a new way to torture someone
  • Wrestling moves

Quotes:

  • “I’m not leaving until I kill something.”
  • “They just turned Dale Burrows into abstract art.”  (response to killing the guy.)
  • “Kill him.”  “Who?”  “Everyone!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “That’s what you get for not social distancing.”
  • “There’s no hope in Pierce County, WA.”
  • “Is he drinking cocaine juice?”

Things We Learned:

Danny Trejo is currently 76 years old.

Final Take: There’s not much to note on this one.  I think that we had a decent time watching it, but there’s almost nothing memorable about it, except that there were some references to the state of Washington.

13
Feb
20

Between Worlds (2018)

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Categories: Bad Movies, Hillbillies, Nic Cage, Nudity, Uncategorized, Washed up actors and Well known actors slumming it
Tags: , , , , ,

between Worlds

Date watched: 2/13/20

Starring: Nic Cage, woman from “Run Lola Run”

Plot: Joe meets a mother who can contact spirits when suffocating. Her daughter is dying when Joe helps the mother spiritually contact the daughter and save her. Unfortunately, the spirit in the daughter’s body is now that of Joe’s dead wife. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Every time Nic Cage drinks.
  • People talk about leaving their body or leave their body.

Quotes:

  • “Just ring it up Ricardo!”
  • “Next time why don’t you wrestle a man gator”
  • Woman asks the question: “Do you have family?”  Nic Cage answer: “wife and daughter, you like? (holding up their picture)… oops, they’re dead!”
  • Nice Cage to woman: “I smell like three days on the road.”  Her response: “I like it.”
  • “A man without a truck isn’t a man.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Does Nic Cages hat actually say Turkey and the Wolf?”
  • What the daughter should ask the Mom when Nic Cage walks in with her, “who’s that scumbag with you?”

Things we learned:

  • Nic Cage’s favorite food is truck stop hot dogs.
  • Nic Cage wears a lot of stupid rings.

Final Take:  Not too shabby.  It was weird and well acted by everyone other than Nic Cage, although he certainly had his moments.  It was a decent addition to the Nic Cage library and worth checking out.

05
Dec
19

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014)

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Categories: Bad Movies, Elite, God Awful, Rules, Uncategorized, Washed up actors and Well known actors slumming it
Tags: , , , , ,

Kirk Cameron Saving Christmas

Date Watched: 12/5/19

Starring: Kirk Cameron and “Friends”

Plot: His annual Christmas party faltering thanks to his cynical brother-in-law, former Growing Pains star Kirk Cameron attempts to save the day by showing him that Jesus Christ remains a crucial component of the over-commercialized holiday. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Cocoa” or drink hot cocoa
  • Dubious history lessons
  • Mentions of the Bible
  • Kirk Cameron dropping “knowledge” (But it looks like he’s dropping a deuce)

 

Quotes:

  • “The things about stories is that they are tricky.”
  • “Where’s HO HO HO in the Bible?”

 

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This was definitely filmed on an iPhone camera.”
  • “Christmas is about elf worship.”
  • “Kirk Cameron is not the person to be knocking the rock.”
  • “Oh no, this movie is only going to take place in a car.”
  • “Is that Branden Fraser?  I really want it to be Brendan Fraser.”

 

Things We Learned:

  • Ska is so low right now that its in the main title sequence for this movie.
  • Bill on the couch doesn’t need help.
  • Santa Claus aka St. Nick beat people up who didn’t agree with him.
  • Presents are representative of the city of Jerusalem.

 

Final Take: Wow, this is really one for the ages.  I’m not sure that we can recommend it, but it is something to behold.  The movie boils down to two dudes talking in a car.  One of them proposes fairly logical questions, and the other uses completely nonsensical gibberish as a rebuttal.  This being Kirk Cameron’s movie, the gibberish wins out.  This “movie” is super short and mixes in a few other random scenes to make it over an hour in length, including a never ending final dance sequence.  I think we need to do a college symposium to really flush out everything that is wrong or confounding with what’s going on in this film.

 

11
Apr
19

Dog Eat Dog (2016)

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Categories: Gratuitous Violence, Nic Cage, Uncategorized and Washed up actors
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Dog Eat Dog

Date Watched: 4/11/19

Starring: Willem Dafoe, Sir Nic Cage

Plot:

A crew of ex-cons are hired by a Cleveland mafioso to kidnap the baby of a rival mobster.  (From IMDB.com)

Rules:
Taking drugs
Any crimes or attempted crimes
Anytime they say “Dog”

Quotes:
“We’re never going to collaborate on making really cool original cupcakes ever again!”
“Have you ever been to Nice?” “No, what’s that?”

Viewer Quotes:
“There’s nothing I’d like to see less.” (In regards to seeing a adult performer grind on Nic Cage.)
“Who’s a better actor Nic Cage or Freddie Prinze Jr.?” “What about Cage vs Dolf Lundgren?” “Mario Van Peebles?”

Things We Learned:
Casinos make you have ice cubes in your scotch, to keep you from getting drunk too quickly.
Babynapping doesn’t sound too good.
You can be handcuffed and dragged behind a car and easily get away.

Final Take:
Weird film.  The opening scene with Willem Dafoe is particularly… interesting?  I don’t think that we can recommend this movie, but it’s got some things going for it.  It doesn’t quite get to full on Cage craziness.  They should have just gone for it.  Still, at least it wasn’t boring.

21
Feb
19

Robo Vampire 3 aka The Vampire is Still Alive aka Counter Destroy (1989)

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Categories: Bad Movies, Cyborgs, Foreign, God Awful, Knock-Offs, Rules and Uncategorized
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Counter Destroy

Viewing Date: 2/21/19

Starring: No One

Plot: Joyce rents an old haunted home to pen her horror script, which releases an evil army of robot vampires, a knife-wielding demon and a battalion of otherworldly creatures (from IMDB).

Rules:
Something supernatural happens
Vampires
Abrupt scene changes

Quotes:
“Why man kill 2 beautiful girl.”
“I forgot to tell him we are the police.”
“You’re efficiency is extremely low. You’ve got to take some action now.”

Viewer Quotes:
“Why couldn’t they be in the bath together, shaving each other with a can of Barbasal.”
“Those are nice melons.”
“This is probably the most incoherent plot we’ve ever watched on a BMT.”

Things We Learned:
Rotary phones can kill.
The sacred bird can tell your fortune from sealed envelopes.
Vampires hop like rabbits.
The best way to kill someone is jumping over a car and slicing them with a putty knife.

Final Take:

Bad, and not in a good way.  We cannot recommend this movie, as it was a slog to get through.  Too bad.  There was a lot of potential here, but the mishmash of a bunch of other movies doesn’t work.

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