Archive for May, 2015

29
May
15

Left Behind (2014)

Left Behind

Date Watched:  5/28/15

Starring:  Nic Cage, Lea Thompson, Chad Michael Murray, Jordan Sparks, Dude from Herman’s Head

Plot: A small group of survivors are left behind after millions of people suddenly vanish and the world is plunged into chaos and destruction.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Religious Preaching
  • Mentions of Jesus or the Bible

Quotes:

“If she’s going to run off with another man, why not Jesus?”

“I don’t know about passengers, but I do know this, there wasn’t anyone flying that plane.”

“What has happened to you?  You never talked like this before… about God.”

“Why should I listen to you?  You didn’t even listen to yourself!”

Viewer Quotes:

“Is that black person a midget too?”… “No, that’s just a little kid.”

“I used to have a crush on Lea Thompson circa “Back to the Future” and “Space Camp”.  Not anymore.”

“Have you ever seen “What Dreams May Come”?  Right now everyone is in a big crayon world.”

“This movie is awful, when is something going to happen?”

Things We Learned:

-People don’t take their clothes with them to Heaven.

-The first thing people do after the Rapture is to shoplift Starter jackets.

-Nic Cage is a sh$tty pilot.

-Some cell phones have a compass app that you can use to land a wayward airplane low on fuel.

Final Take:

This movie is a failure on all accounts.  It was fun to laugh at for part of it, but nothing really happens.  It was simply a bunch of people that I don’t care about trying to land a plane.  This is far and away the least interesting plane in peril movie I’ve ever seen.  Take “Red Eye”, “Flightplan”, even “Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal”, and you have more suspenseful action taking place.  The big reveal, an hour into the movie, is that the people disappeared due to the Rapture.  The movie is titled “Left Behind”, is based on a book, and is a re-make, so this is pretty f&ckin’ obvious to everyone but those sorry saps trapped in this movie.  Skip this movie, unless like us, you are a Nic Cage connoisseur.

22
May
15

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

Date Watched: 5/21/2015

Starring: Nobody agreed to star in this movie

Plot: Beaver swamp turns into a deadly zombie epidemic.  This movie was created by coming up with a title and then filling in the remaining details.

Rules

  • Beaver Attacks
  • Sexual Innuendos (x2 for those that include “Beaver”)
  • Sorority chick bitchery
  • “Beaver” (Advanced Rule)

Quotes

  • “My butt hurts.”  –  “Yeah, thanks to your boyfriend.”
  • “Oh, it’s ok, Mary.  My daughter’s a total fucking bitch, too.  A real whore.  Sometimes she brings people home, I don’t even know what sex they are.  And I’m not saying anything negative about them, I’m a very liberal woman.  But my daughter is a real piece of work, and not that attractive.”
  • “All I know is they’re fat rats with big stupid-ass teeth.”
  • “I’ve never seen a beaver up close before.”  –  “Maybe you should try going down on me every once in a while, Buck.”
  • “It’s just those kids scissoring each other to Lady Gaga.”
  • “Oh Fuck!  Suck a bag of dicks!”
  • “I’m sorry I never ate your pussy, baby!  I promise I’ll go back and eat all of it.  It just smells so bad down there.”
  • “Listen, we cannot turn against each other right now.  That is exactly what the beavers want.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Those are nice outfits.  Those shorts are amazing.”
  • “Who do you think is the first one to die?  Maybe the huge bitch?”
  • “Which guy’s the biggest douche bag, I can’t even tell.”
  • “He just held up his own foot.”
  • “The beavers have taken out the phones!”
  • “Why are the beavers staying outside the house?  Couldn’t they just chew through the wood?”

What We Learned

  • Some sorority girls are just the worst.  Absolutely the worst.
  • College guy’s apparently wear Letterman’s jackets now.
  • Kids today have terrible tattoos.
  • When being attacked by beavers in the water, throw a dog, then swim towards the farthest shore.
  • Beavers get a lot smarter when they turn into zombies.
  • If you get bitten by a zombeaver, you don’t turn into a zombie, you turn into a beaver zombie.  This also applies to Bears.
  • Jealous ex-girlfriend zombeavers will bite your dick off.

Final Take: