Archive for the 'God Awful' Category

05
Dec
19

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014)

Kirk Cameron Saving Christmas

Date Watched: 12/5/19

Starring: Kirk Cameron and “Friends”

Plot: His annual Christmas party faltering thanks to his cynical brother-in-law, former Growing Pains star Kirk Cameron attempts to save the day by showing him that Jesus Christ remains a crucial component of the over-commercialized holiday. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Cocoa” or drink hot cocoa
  • Dubious history lessons
  • Mentions of the Bible
  • Kirk Cameron dropping “knowledge” (But it looks like he’s dropping a deuce)

 

Quotes:

  • “The things about stories is that they are tricky.”
  • “Where’s HO HO HO in the Bible?”

 

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This was definitely filmed on an iPhone camera.”
  • “Christmas is about elf worship.”
  • “Kirk Cameron is not the person to be knocking the rock.”
  • “Oh no, this movie is only going to take place in a car.”
  • “Is that Branden Fraser?  I really want it to be Brendan Fraser.”

 

Things We Learned:

  • Ska is so low right now that its in the main title sequence for this movie.
  • Bill on the couch doesn’t need help.
  • Santa Claus aka St. Nick beat people up who didn’t agree with him.
  • Presents are representative of the city of Jerusalem.

 

Final Take: Wow, this is really one for the ages.  I’m not sure that we can recommend it, but it is something to behold.  The movie boils down to two dudes talking in a car.  One of them proposes fairly logical questions, and the other uses completely nonsensical gibberish as a rebuttal.  This being Kirk Cameron’s movie, the gibberish wins out.  This “movie” is super short and mixes in a few other random scenes to make it over an hour in length, including a never ending final dance sequence.  I think we need to do a college symposium to really flush out everything that is wrong or confounding with what’s going on in this film.

 

21
Feb
19

Robo Vampire 3 aka The Vampire is Still Alive aka Counter Destroy (1989)

Counter Destroy

Viewing Date: 2/21/19

Starring: No One

Plot: Joyce rents an old haunted home to pen her horror script, which releases an evil army of robot vampires, a knife-wielding demon and a battalion of otherworldly creatures (from IMDB).

Rules:
Something supernatural happens
Vampires
Abrupt scene changes

Quotes:
“Why man kill 2 beautiful girl.”
“I forgot to tell him we are the police.”
“You’re efficiency is extremely low. You’ve got to take some action now.”

Viewer Quotes:
“Why couldn’t they be in the bath together, shaving each other with a can of Barbasal.”
“Those are nice melons.”
“This is probably the most incoherent plot we’ve ever watched on a BMT.”

Things We Learned:
Rotary phones can kill.
The sacred bird can tell your fortune from sealed envelopes.
Vampires hop like rabbits.
The best way to kill someone is jumping over a car and slicing them with a putty knife.

Final Take:

Bad, and not in a good way.  We cannot recommend this movie, as it was a slog to get through.  Too bad.  There was a lot of potential here, but the mishmash of a bunch of other movies doesn’t work.

23
Feb
17

Druids aka The Gaul (2001)

Druids Picture

Date Watched: 2/23/17

Starring: Christopher “There can be only one” Lambert

Plot:

An entire nation’s destiny lies in the hands of one man.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Silly Hats
  • Stupid Place Names
  • Stupid Hair

Quotes:

  • “Now, kick me in the ass.”
  • “Your incomprehensible talking does not help me.”
  • “Between a boy and a girl, I should be something different.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Why is Christopher Lambert still playing a young man?  Maybe at 50 that time is over.”
  • “I miss the days that you can throw food at someone without repercussion.”
  • “This movie feels like a fever dream.”
  • “Is that character’s name vas deferens?”
  • “I think this is like a 4 hour script and they picked scenes out at random to film.”
  • “We could just turn this movie off right now and my life would be better for it.”

Things We Learned:

  • Christopher Lambert can grow a mustache at any time and in any scene.
  • Graham only falls asleep during one movie = Druids.

Final Take:

This movie is a slog to get through.  I have no idea what this movie was about.  Halfway through the movie I started googling information to find out when Twins 2: Triplets would be released.  This nonsensical gibberish is not worth it.  Stay away.

29
May
15

Left Behind (2014)

Left Behind

Date Watched:  5/28/15

Starring:  Nic Cage, Lea Thompson, Chad Michael Murray, Jordan Sparks, Dude from Herman’s Head

Plot: A small group of survivors are left behind after millions of people suddenly vanish and the world is plunged into chaos and destruction.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Religious Preaching
  • Mentions of Jesus or the Bible

Quotes:

“If she’s going to run off with another man, why not Jesus?”

“I don’t know about passengers, but I do know this, there wasn’t anyone flying that plane.”

“What has happened to you?  You never talked like this before… about God.”

“Why should I listen to you?  You didn’t even listen to yourself!”

Viewer Quotes:

“Is that black person a midget too?”… “No, that’s just a little kid.”

“I used to have a crush on Lea Thompson circa “Back to the Future” and “Space Camp”.  Not anymore.”

“Have you ever seen “What Dreams May Come”?  Right now everyone is in a big crayon world.”

“This movie is awful, when is something going to happen?”

Things We Learned:

-People don’t take their clothes with them to Heaven.

-The first thing people do after the Rapture is to shoplift Starter jackets.

-Nic Cage is a sh$tty pilot.

-Some cell phones have a compass app that you can use to land a wayward airplane low on fuel.

Final Take:

This movie is a failure on all accounts.  It was fun to laugh at for part of it, but nothing really happens.  It was simply a bunch of people that I don’t care about trying to land a plane.  This is far and away the least interesting plane in peril movie I’ve ever seen.  Take “Red Eye”, “Flightplan”, even “Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal”, and you have more suspenseful action taking place.  The big reveal, an hour into the movie, is that the people disappeared due to the Rapture.  The movie is titled “Left Behind”, is based on a book, and is a re-make, so this is pretty f&ckin’ obvious to everyone but those sorry saps trapped in this movie.  Skip this movie, unless like us, you are a Nic Cage connoisseur.

13
Feb
15

Mantera

Mantera

Date Watched: 2/12/2015

Starring: Absolutely nobody

Plot: A 16 year old boy somehow ends up with a motorcycle that grants him the power to transform into an anime suited superhero.  After a couple of days of training he becomes an unstoppable force.  Will he lose to the dark legion, or will he overcome all odds and win the day?  He wins.

Rules

  • “Mantera” (House rule, but a good reminder)
  • Bad videogame CGI action sequences
  • Closeups of somebody’s eye(s)
  • Changing into Mantera

Quotes

  • “Colonel, why am I being held here.  I am a scientist.  I demand to know.  Who are you people and why am I being held captive?”  <with awkward pauses>
  • “The origin of mantera is the dawn of civilization.”
  • “Would you be interested in working with us, hand in hand, for the betterment of mankind, and the safety of this earth.”  – “I wouldn’t miss it … for the world.”
  • “He’s probably having fun with that sexy lady.”
  • “They must have employed vega from the megazoid division.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “That guy looks like Ron Jeremy with really long hair.”
  • “This CGI is straight out of the late 90’s.”
  • “They’re all going to the factory to make Adidas shoes.”
  • “I want a ‘Jumping Kids 1951’ shirt!”
  • “Does anyone on this bus want to be in a movie?” <how the movie was cast>
  • “Is his name Ass Man?”
  • “Did they just go through a star gate?”
  • “Dr. Claw is at it again.”

What We Learned

  • Mantera actions happen in cartoon world
  • Russians are given accents when dubbed over in foreign films.  Indonesians are not.
  • Beating a kid up with a bat is considered bullying in other parts of the world.  It is not that big of a deal apparently.
  • Being a computer programmer makes you pretty good at operating a robotic exosuit.
  • It only takes a couple days and a passable montage to learn martial arts.

Final Take: This is a foreign movie with ridiculous dubbed dialog that makes no sense,  The plot was hard to follow, the CGI action was worse than most video games made in the past 10 years, and the dialog probably sounded better in its native tongue.  Despite (because of?) all of that, it was fun to watch.  I hope they make a sequel.

31
Dec
14

In the Name of the King 3: The Last Job aka The Last Mission (2014)

In the Name of the King 3

Viewing Date:  11/6/14

Plot:

A modern-day assassin, wanting out, is hired for one final job – to kidnap the kids of a local businessman. Things go haywire when it turns out he’s chosen to return to the Middle Ages and bring back order to a kingdom in chaos.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

Bad European child acting

Dragon sightings

People say “dragons”

Fish out of water gags

Every time they mention “the marking”

Anachronisms

Quotes:

“He has the marking.  No one should have the marking.  Where did you get this marking?”

“Now, go on horse.”

“We have brought a stranger.”

“That’s my chair.  Your chair is over there.”

“He speaks like a coward…”  “I bid you adieu.”

“Things change… but people like you never do.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Is this the transporter?”

“Look, the Shaman is making a BBQ rub.”

“I have no emotional investment in this movie whatsoever.”

“That was the movie?”

Things We Learned:

-When you align a European child’s talisman with a hit man’s forearm tattoo, a wormhole opens, and you travel to another dimension with dragons.

-Dragons can eat bullets from handguns.

14
Mar
14

Birdemic 2: The Resurrection

birdemic-2-poster-692x1024 (1)

Date Watched: 3/13/2014

Starring:  A bunch of shitty actors

Plot

A platoon of eagles and vultures attack Hollywood, California. Why did the eagles and vultures attack? Who will survive?

Rules

  • “Hollywood”
  • Anything blurred out.
  • Stupid music playing (better fill your drink up for this one)
  • Fake birds
  • Punching or jump-kicking birds
  • Exploding birds
  • Checking if people are dead, or declaring that people are dead
  • Mentioning Half Moon Bay

Quotes

“Help!  Please help me  Something stung me!”  “What stung you?” “A giant, jumbo jellyfish.”

“I wish Susan could have been here to see this bird skeleton.  But she got a disease from this fish that Ron cooked.”

“La Brea means the ‘the tar’ in English.”

“I’ve already checked.  Everyone is dead.”  “So have I.  There’s no one left.”

“The birds don’t attack us.  Probably because we live a green, non-emitting lifestyle.”

“There’s a hotel up there.  Maybe they have some gas.”

Viewer Quotes

“They’re both wearing red.  Is that weird?”

“There is clearly some chemistry.  Or that guy is gay.”

“Nothing can save a movie like cavemen.”

What We Learned

James Nguyen is the master of Romantic Thrillers

Star light, star  bright.  Gonna party tonight.

Global warming causes birds to attack (we learned this in Birdemic 1, but this was reaffirmed)

When cavemen rise from the dead, they’re still cavemen.  When people who have recently died rise from the dead, they’re zombies.

Inexplicably, globally warming causes things to rise from the dead and go on murderous rampages

Birds explode like water balloons- and kill you

Final Take

Terrible acting but entertaining.  It was blatantly obvious that they tried to capture the “magic” of the first film, but the bad acting, editing, and sound seemed particularly forced.  But, really it didn’t stop this movie from accomplishing what it tried- to be horrible and still entertaining.




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