Archive for the 'Gory' Category

30
Aug
18

Hardcore Henry (2015)

Hardcore Henry

Viewing Date:  8/30/18

Starring:  Sharlto Copley, Tim Roth, and you (as Henry)

Plot:  Henry is resurrected from death with no memory, and he must save his wife from a telekinetic warlord with a plan to bio-engineer soldiers.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Every time they say “Henry”
  • Every time Henry falls down
  • Video game clichés
  • Screen glitches

Quotes:

  • “All you got to do is pull out his f&cking heart and eat it.”
  • “You’re half machine, half p&ssy.”
  • “Hi, I’m a f&ckin’ car baby.  Lexus convertible.”
  • “How sweet, if I took this moment and put it in a cup of tea, I wouldn’t need sugar.”
  • “Put the proto baby down.”
  • “As my father used to say, a grenade a day keeps the doctor away.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This is all a f&cking video game.”
  • “Is that Mathew McConaughey?”
  • “That’s the way I’d want to go out… in a dance fight.”

Things we learned:

  • Telekinetic bad guys like to masturbate using a baseball bat.
  • Sharlto Copley likes drugs.  A lot.  And he dies a lot too.

Final Take:

It’s not a perfect movie by any means, but it is truly weird enough to recommend.  The FPS (First Person Shooter) perspective can be off putting at times.  In general though, there’s always something going on, and the overall strangeness and Sharlto Copley going all in on his role really makes this a pretty solid BMT flick.

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17
Aug
18

Another Wolf Cop

Image result for another wolfcop

Viewing Date: 8/16/18

Staring: Leo Fafard, Amy Matysio, Kevin Smith (uncredited???)

Plot:  Alcoholic werewolf cop Lou Garou springs into action when an eccentric businessman with evil intentions seduces Woodhaven’s residents with a new brewery and hockey team in this outrageous horror-comedy sequel.

Rules:

  • Say “Wolf”, “Wolfcop”
  • Say “Chicken Milk”

Quotes:

  • “For fuck sake.  Someone stole our donuts.”
  • “I’ll be good to you.”
  • “Lou.  You’re a wolf…”  “Cop.”
  • “Watch your sassy mouth.”
  • “You wouldn’t happen to have a beer handy would you?”  “Thank God.”
  • “It’s time to die, you strange animal.”
  • “I’m glad you’re better man, but I still don’t approve of this shit.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “How much cocaine was done during the filming of this movie?”

What We Learned:

  • Wolfcop revels in other people’s suffering.
  • Moon rocks are like cocaine to werewolves…  Or maybe it was just real cocaine.
  • Don’t drink Chicken Milk Stout.
01
Feb
18

Cult of Chucky (2017)

Cult of Chucky.jpg

Date watched: 2/1/18

Starring: Jennifer Tilly

Plot: Chucky returns to terrorize his human victim, Nica. Meanwhile, the killer doll has some scores to settle with his old enemies, with the help of his former wife.  (From IMDB.)

Rules:
-Say Chucky
-Chucky doll blinks
-Shots of Chucky’s hand by itself reaching to do stuff

Quotes:

“She’s not ok. Chucky told me.”
“Did anyone ever tell you that you look a lot like Jennifer Tilly?” (said to Jennifer Tilly.)

Viewer Quotes:
“This is a lot of character build up for characters that I don’t give two sh$ts about.”

Things We Learned:

You can buy Chucky dolls at Hot Topic.
Cucky can stitch people up when they’re bleeding.
You can breast feed Chucky.
Chucky dolls have guts.

Final Take:
2 stars for the gore and being generally not boring. Lazy ending that never went anywhere.

15
Dec
17

All Through the House (2015)

Viewing Date: 12/14/17

Starring:  No One

Plot:  A deranged masked Santa-Slayer comes to town for some yuletide-terror. He leaves behind a bloody trail of mutilated bodies as he hunts his way to the front steps of the town’s most feared and notorious home.  (via IMDB)

Rules:

  • Typical Christmas kills (icicles, candy canes, etc.)
  • Cutaways of blood splashing
  • Dis”member”ing

Quotes:

“Close your eyes and open your mouth. I’ve got a big package ready for
delivery.”
“Hey, I was only like 5 fking years old when I was told that story.”
“She’s not really a people person.”
“Poor poor dear, you’re mother was a filthy whore.”

Viewer Quotes:

“She’s really weird looking.” “Which one?”
“I really should have all kinds of creepy life size Santas in my house. Kids
would love that.”
“You know what that means, it’s penis cutting time.”
“That’s one thing we can say about this movie, it’s all that and a bag of
dicks.”
“That’s the way I’d want to go… being sufficated by a dickless Santa with
mannequins waving at me.”

What We Learned:

  • Deranged Santas will kill you and your cat.
  • When you least expect it, you get a bag full of dicks.
  • There’s nothing worse than a dickless man.

Final Take:

It was ok.  The Christmas theme is really window dressing.  This “story” as it were could have taken place anytime.  There was a lot focus on penises for some reason.  There might have been some deeper meaning at play here, but honestly we didn’t care.  2 out of 5.

29
Jul
16

Bad Milo!

BadMilo

Date Watched: 7/28/2016

Starring:  Ken Marino, Gillian Jacobs, Patrick Warburton, and lots of cameos

Plot: A man learns that his unusual stomach pains are being caused by a demon living in his intestines.

Rules

  • References to poop/butt
  • Whenever Allistair speaks
  • Poop demon pops out of butt
  • Don’t forget the house rule – creature-vision.
  • Every time he fires people.
  • “Racoon attack”

Quotes

  • “You got a thing in your butt… you got a trooper in your pooper.”
  • “Witch Doctor!” – parrot
  • “I’m here to help people.”  –  “Well, thanks for coming.”
  • “Are you two planning on having a baby?”  –  “Not the way we do it.”
  • “Be safe in there, don’t rip anything.”
  • “Wow…how’s your ass?”
  • “There’s an ancient myth surrounding the anus.”
  • “My mentor always told me…stop carrying the horse on your shoulders.  Put him between your legs and ride him!”
  • “Big fat babies come out of tiny vaginas.  Maybe your anus is like a vagina.”
  • “Is that poop on your shirt?”
  • “If you want to survive, you got to take a dump on your enemies, or else you eat a shit sandwich.”
  • “Kill it with fire.  Put the fire in the face.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Just another night at our house.”

Things We Learned

  • You can go from being an accountant to an HR manager in charge of firing people.
  • You can fix your inner demons by bonding with them.
  • Repressed anger can live in your ass.

Final Take:

19
Dec
14

Saint Nick aka Saint aka Sint (2010)

Sint

Viewing Date: 12/18/14

Plot:

St. Nicholas is a murderous bishop who kidnaps and murders children when there is a full moon on December 5th.

Starring: N/A

Rules:

Say “Saint Nick” or “Saint Nicolaus”

Mention December 5th

Dutch Christmas things

Being killed by a ghost ship

Quotes :

“You’re just as much of a bitch as you are a best friend.”

“What, did his dick freeze to the light post or something?”

“Those Black Pete’s (guys in black face), what did they look like?”… “One looked like 50 Cent and the other looked like Will Smith.”

“Jesus, that’s dangerous man!”

“I’ve got a present for you.  I’ll do the unwrapping.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Two flashbacks to start a movie is not a good sign.”

Things We Learned:

-In Amsterdam it’s normal to not only receive gifts in class in high school, but to receive dildos as those gifts.  The teachers think nothing of it.

-Saint Nicolaus comes from Spain with a boat full of toys.

-In Amsterdam it’s a Christmas tradition to dress up in black face.

-Hot girls in Amsterdam are not actually hot.

-You can kill Saint Nick by blowing up his boat at midnight.

-Any children killed are just collateral damage in the war with Saint Nick.

-Saint Nick has an army of deadly Black Petes (guys in black face).

Final Take:

It wasn’t bad.  It could have been a lot more though.  We feel more cultured watching a foreign terrible Christmas movie.  It’s like a bad foreign version of Silent Night Deadly Night.  I would definitely recommend this for those looking for a Holiday terrible movie, but that would be about it.

12
Jul
14

Hellbinders (2009)

Hellbinders

Date Watched: 6/19/14

Starring: Darth Maul

Plot:

A supernatural battle for souls plays out on the streets with lots of guns and knives. (From IMDB)

Rules:

Weird comic book crap

References to the Knights Templar

People talking in a demon voice

Vomiting demons out of mouths or demon possession

Radical and/or knarly stunts

References to the devil

Quotes:

“Kill them all, that’s my motto anyway.”

“I didn’t come here for a lecture, priest.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Can you really tell when a Japanese actor is acting badly?”… “Yes, in this movie you can.”

“What is this?  Willy Wonka’s factory?”

“Who knew Darth Maul had such a potty mouth.”

“He kind of looks like the evil Jimmy Kimmel.”

“He keeps having pancakes w/ ketchup, that’s step one of his failure.”

Things We Learned:

White people become Japanese when they wear dark eyeliner.

It takes several days to paint a pentagram.

If you are in a coma you can lose your soul.

A cast full of stuntmen are not good actors.

Final Take:

Not a bad little movie with a cheap budget.  I don’t know why Darth Maul is slumming it in this movie, but I guess that’s what you get after starring with Jar Jar.