Archive for the 'Gory' Category

15
Dec
17

All Through the House (2015)

Viewing Date: 12/14/17

Starring:  No One

Plot:  A deranged masked Santa-Slayer comes to town for some yuletide-terror. He leaves behind a bloody trail of mutilated bodies as he hunts his way to the front steps of the town’s most feared and notorious home.  (via IMDB)

Rules:

  • Typical Christmas kills (icicles, candy canes, etc.)
  • Cutaways of blood splashing
  • Dis”member”ing

Quotes:

“Close your eyes and open your mouth. I’ve got a big package ready for
delivery.”
“Hey, I was only like 5 fking years old when I was told that story.”
“She’s not really a people person.”
“Poor poor dear, you’re mother was a filthy whore.”

Viewer Quotes:

“She’s really weird looking.” “Which one?”
“I really should have all kinds of creepy life size Santas in my house. Kids
would love that.”
“You know what that means, it’s penis cutting time.”
“That’s one thing we can say about this movie, it’s all that and a bag of
dicks.”
“That’s the way I’d want to go… being sufficated by a dickless Santa with
mannequins waving at me.”

What We Learned:

  • Deranged Santas will kill you and your cat.
  • When you least expect it, you get a bag full of dicks.
  • There’s nothing worse than a dickless man.

Final Take:

It was ok.  The Christmas theme is really window dressing.  This “story” as it were could have taken place anytime.  There was a lot focus on penises for some reason.  There might have been some deeper meaning at play here, but honestly we didn’t care.  2 out of 5.

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29
Jul
16

Bad Milo!

BadMilo

Date Watched: 7/28/2016

Starring:  Ken Marino, Gillian Jacobs, Patrick Warburton, and lots of cameos

Plot: A man learns that his unusual stomach pains are being caused by a demon living in his intestines.

Rules

  • References to poop/butt
  • Whenever Allistair speaks
  • Poop demon pops out of butt
  • Don’t forget the house rule – creature-vision.
  • Every time he fires people.
  • “Racoon attack”

Quotes

  • “You got a thing in your butt… you got a trooper in your pooper.”
  • “Witch Doctor!” – parrot
  • “I’m here to help people.”  –  “Well, thanks for coming.”
  • “Are you two planning on having a baby?”  –  “Not the way we do it.”
  • “Be safe in there, don’t rip anything.”
  • “Wow…how’s your ass?”
  • “There’s an ancient myth surrounding the anus.”
  • “My mentor always told me…stop carrying the horse on your shoulders.  Put him between your legs and ride him!”
  • “Big fat babies come out of tiny vaginas.  Maybe your anus is like a vagina.”
  • “Is that poop on your shirt?”
  • “If you want to survive, you got to take a dump on your enemies, or else you eat a shit sandwich.”
  • “Kill it with fire.  Put the fire in the face.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Just another night at our house.”

Things We Learned

  • You can go from being an accountant to an HR manager in charge of firing people.
  • You can fix your inner demons by bonding with them.
  • Repressed anger can live in your ass.

Final Take:

19
Dec
14

Saint Nick aka Saint aka Sint (2010)

Sint

Viewing Date: 12/18/14

Plot:

St. Nicholas is a murderous bishop who kidnaps and murders children when there is a full moon on December 5th.

Starring: N/A

Rules:

Say “Saint Nick” or “Saint Nicolaus”

Mention December 5th

Dutch Christmas things

Being killed by a ghost ship

Quotes :

“You’re just as much of a bitch as you are a best friend.”

“What, did his dick freeze to the light post or something?”

“Those Black Pete’s (guys in black face), what did they look like?”… “One looked like 50 Cent and the other looked like Will Smith.”

“Jesus, that’s dangerous man!”

“I’ve got a present for you.  I’ll do the unwrapping.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Two flashbacks to start a movie is not a good sign.”

Things We Learned:

-In Amsterdam it’s normal to not only receive gifts in class in high school, but to receive dildos as those gifts.  The teachers think nothing of it.

-Saint Nicolaus comes from Spain with a boat full of toys.

-In Amsterdam it’s a Christmas tradition to dress up in black face.

-Hot girls in Amsterdam are not actually hot.

-You can kill Saint Nick by blowing up his boat at midnight.

-Any children killed are just collateral damage in the war with Saint Nick.

-Saint Nick has an army of deadly Black Petes (guys in black face).

Final Take:

It wasn’t bad.  It could have been a lot more though.  We feel more cultured watching a foreign terrible Christmas movie.  It’s like a bad foreign version of Silent Night Deadly Night.  I would definitely recommend this for those looking for a Holiday terrible movie, but that would be about it.

12
Jul
14

Hellbinders (2009)

Hellbinders

Date Watched: 6/19/14

Starring: Darth Maul

Plot:

A supernatural battle for souls plays out on the streets with lots of guns and knives. (From IMDB)

Rules:

Weird comic book crap

References to the Knights Templar

People talking in a demon voice

Vomiting demons out of mouths or demon possession

Radical and/or knarly stunts

References to the devil

Quotes:

“Kill them all, that’s my motto anyway.”

“I didn’t come here for a lecture, priest.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Can you really tell when a Japanese actor is acting badly?”… “Yes, in this movie you can.”

“What is this?  Willy Wonka’s factory?”

“Who knew Darth Maul had such a potty mouth.”

“He kind of looks like the evil Jimmy Kimmel.”

“He keeps having pancakes w/ ketchup, that’s step one of his failure.”

Things We Learned:

White people become Japanese when they wear dark eyeliner.

It takes several days to paint a pentagram.

If you are in a coma you can lose your soul.

A cast full of stuntmen are not good actors.

Final Take:

Not a bad little movie with a cheap budget.  I don’t know why Darth Maul is slumming it in this movie, but I guess that’s what you get after starring with Jar Jar.  

12
Jul
14

Tamara (2005)

Tamara

 

Date Watched: 4/24/14

Starring: No One

Plot:

Tamara is a girl who didn’t quite fit in. Tamara is constantly picked on and when a couple of friends plays a joke on Tamara, it leads to her death. The friends bury her tries to make it seem that Tamara ran away. But all is not forgotten. Tamara returns as a sexy seductress and plans her revenge. (due to witchcraft). Well like they say: Karma’s a bitch. (From IMDB)

Rules:

-Witch stereotypes

-Say “witchcraft”

-Say “Tamara” (which is the name of the movie and a house rule)

-VHS tapes

Quotes:

“I’ll see you later you trailer trash whore.”

“My parents are going out of town soon and it’s going to be Patrick-Palooza Five!”

“It’s Tamara… she’s alive… she just walked into class.”

“It’s getting wet… the table.”

Viewer Quotes:

“For guys using steroids they should have used actors that have bigger muscles than I do.”

“Wow, that guy owns a VCR repair shop.”

“Awesome!  I love it when they pull out a larynx, just like in Roudhouse.”

Things We Learned:

-VHS tapes are still very much used and they even have VCR repair shops.

-Steroids can be highly ineffective, as shown by the skinny weaklings that take them in this movie

Final Take:

This movie was surprisingly well done.  There was some real tension in some of the scenes, and I can’t really say that in many BMT movies.  I would have thought that the director would have gone to do something after this movie other than some Disney dance videos.  There must be a witch that cast a spell on him and took away his career.

12
Jul
14

A Cadaver Christmas (2011)

A Cadaver Christmas

Date Watched: 3/6/2014

Starring: No One

Plot:

United by terrifying and bizarre circumstances, the janitor, the drunk, the bartender, the cop, his perp, and the student security guard must fight to undo the professor’s work. A dark force is at work in the cadaver lab this Christmas and this unconventional band of heroes are the only hope the world has against an army of living corpses that are quickly recruiting new members. The undead have been given the gift of life and it’s up to the janitor to take it back. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Christmas”
  • Zombies dressed up in Xmas attire
  • Say Cadavers
  • Christmas songs
  • Hippos
  • Every time drunk guy drinks

Quotes:

“I do love them hippos.”

“I was framed”, “Yeah, for f&&king a goat.”, “HER NAME IS BETSY, and WE’RE IN LOVE!!!”

“Step away from my perp, janitor.”

“Why don’t you talk to me?”, “I don’t talk to goat f&&kers!”, “YOU ARE A ZOMBIE!”

“You can’t just leave him here, he’s our friend now.”

“He stabbed Eddie in the neck with a desk!”

“Besides, I’m a janitor and I never leave a mess uncleaned.”

“I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking where did you get such a big rubber band?”

“Is he watching us?”  “Sort of, in the way that a deceased loved one might watch over us.”

“You really are the best friend I have… left.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Dude, this guy’s going to have sex with a corpse?”

“That guy’s not a bad actor.  I mean I don’t feel awkward watching him… and that’s something.”

Things We Learned:

-Cadavers come in shipments from UPS.

-You can kill zombies with a Xmas tree.

Final Take:

This movie was very enjoyable and a cut above your standard zombie fare.  It would be perfect to watch around Christmas time as an antidote to the typical holiday entertainment.  I’d much rather watch a zombie killed with a Christmas tree than an angel get its wings any day.

22
Nov
13

ThanksKilling 3

thankskilling-3-721x1024

Viewing Date: 11/21/2013

Starring: The Turkey Puppet

Plot

We have no idea.  It’s like a horrible fever dream.

Rules

  • Thanksgiving puns / cliches
  • Turkey says “stupid”
  • “Pluck”, “Plucking”
  • “Stuffing”
  • Techno-interludes

Quotes

“Ha, ha, ha.  Nice tits bitch.  In Space!”

“I know these types.  These bitches be in and out of prison their whole life.”

“It’s got a Gravy Train, a Yam Tram, a Maize Maze.  It’s amazing.”

“Its here guys.  My long pike came.”

“Who are these Canadians?”

“Always refrigerate your leftovers on Thanksgiving, so you can wake up on Black Friday to a delicious, cold snack.”

“Not only did the wolves get stuffing.  They got it with a side of WIFE AND CHILD!”

“The early worm gets the bird.”

“I sent that fowl packing with a gravy shot to the eye.”

“Look at that snood!”

“You’ve been sporting a fat moose apple for a while now.”

Viewer Quotes

“Oh my God.  That’s a boob.”

“Was this made by Americans or Eastern Europeans?”  “Eastern European.”

“Does that worm have a combover?  And a mustache???”

“This is just awful.  But it’s Thanksgiving…  It’s Thursday night.”  “Its barely even a movie.”

Things We Learned

  • There was no ThanksKilling 2
  • We weren’t on enough drugs (not sure there are enough in the world) to enjoy this movie
  • You can get people to fund ANYTHING on kickstarter
  • Disgusting grandmother puppets like to slob knobs
  • Robots can shoot vortexes out of their sphincters

Final Take

I’m sure it’s happened countless time throughout history: people stoned out of their minds have come up with  movie ideas that seemed like the most hilarious, fantastic thing ever conceived, but in actuality, it is just a patchwork of complete nonsense.  Most of the time, these ideas are forgotten minutes later- not this time.  The makers of ThanksKilling 3 actually followed through and made this movie.