Archive for January, 2018

19
Jan
18

Don’t Kill It

 

Viewing Date: 1/18/18

Starring: Dolph Lundgren

Plot: In Chicory Creek, a demon is unleashed and commits three triple murders. The demon hunter Jebediah Woodley and the FBI Agent Evelyn Pierce arrive in town to investigate the cases and after an initial friction, they team up to catch the demon. But the problem is, if the demon is killed, he immediately possesses the killer and continues the crime spree.

Rules

  • The Demon Scream.
  • Any time we see deplorables
  • Dolph vapes

Quotes

“His eyes were black…  black… black…”

“These are really great ribs.”

“Rubber bullets.  They work great when you’re in a jam.”

Viewer Quotes

“Do you think Dolph vaping will have some significance to the plot?”  “No, Dolph is probably really into vaping now and needed to write it into the script.”  “He can’t go five minutes without vaping.”

“You ever been netted before?  It’s crazy.”  “Just another weekend at the Olsens…”

What We Learned

  • Demons are heavier than water
  • Hookers in Chicory Creek don’t ask for money up front- even from drifters who live in their cars.
  • An entire town can be murdered- along with a few FBI agents, and no one cares.

 

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05
Jan
18

Day of the Warrior

DayOfTheWarrior

Viewing Date: 1/1/18

Starring:  No One

Plot:  It’s really not clear.  There’s some kind of warrior, who appears to be an amateur wrestler.

Rules:

  • Boobs
  • “Warrior”
  • Gratuitous and/or completely useless scenes.
  • People putting on and taking off sunglasses.
  • Video skips

Quotes:

  • “We eat, we drink, we come back here and play a little twister.”  –  “Will I hate myself in the morning?”  –  “I hope you do.”
  • “Man, there are a lot of trees down there!”
  • “That southern owl is an endangered species.”  –  “Well, it’s not endangered anymore.”
  • “Everything I touch has a way of exploding.”
  • “There’s something I have to get off my chest.”  –  “What is it?”  – “This!” (the shirt)
  • “I’m the only one (who can access the master computer) as far as we know.  But it can be done by any expert with enough time, data, and access codes.”
  • “He pretends to be a good citizen, he frequents the arts, and he donates to charity.”
  • “Doughnuts, chili, ice cream, and beer.  That pretty much covers the 4 food groups.”
  • “Some business this is.  All we ended up with is a bunch of singed underwear.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “They look wall-eyed!”
  • “Was that Ron?”
  • “Fuel storage, what could happen?”
  • “No!  Not Ron!”
What we learned:
  • She’s a cobra.
  • You should pack your gun right up against your knob.
  • Sharks and scorpions are good dancers.
  • The more you sweat, the less you bleed.
  • Ain’t nothing like a right cross.  Everything else just sucks.
  • Don’t take cover in a fuel storage shed during a gun fight.
  • People call Dallas Big D.

Final Take: You probably should already know what you’re getting into when you start this movie.  It’s a bunch of super-fake 90’s boobs, a god-awful plot and some really bottom shelf acting.  All told, it was still pretty enjoyable to watch.  Keep your expectations low and you should have a good time.