Archive for December, 2017


All Through the House (2015)

Viewing Date: 12/14/17

Starring:  No One

Plot:  A deranged masked Santa-Slayer comes to town for some yuletide-terror. He leaves behind a bloody trail of mutilated bodies as he hunts his way to the front steps of the town’s most feared and notorious home.  (via IMDB)


  • Typical Christmas kills (icicles, candy canes, etc.)
  • Cutaways of blood splashing
  • Dis”member”ing


“Close your eyes and open your mouth. I’ve got a big package ready for
“Hey, I was only like 5 fking years old when I was told that story.”
“She’s not really a people person.”
“Poor poor dear, you’re mother was a filthy whore.”

Viewer Quotes:

“She’s really weird looking.” “Which one?”
“I really should have all kinds of creepy life size Santas in my house. Kids
would love that.”
“You know what that means, it’s penis cutting time.”
“That’s one thing we can say about this movie, it’s all that and a bag of
“That’s the way I’d want to go… being sufficated by a dickless Santa with
mannequins waving at me.”

What We Learned:

  • Deranged Santas will kill you and your cat.
  • When you least expect it, you get a bag full of dicks.
  • There’s nothing worse than a dickless man.

Final Take:

It was ok.  The Christmas theme is really window dressing.  This “story” as it were could have taken place anytime.  There was a lot focus on penises for some reason.  There might have been some deeper meaning at play here, but honestly we didn’t care.  2 out of 5.


From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money

Image result for from dusk till dawn 2

Viewing Date: 11/30/17

Starring: Robert Patrick, Danny Trejo, Woody Harrelson’s brother, Bruce Campbell (well, one terrible scene at least), Tiffani Amber-Thiessen

Plot:  Five criminals get together to rob a bank in Mexico. On his way to their rendezvous point, one of them gets into an accident, and stumbles upon the Titty Twister Bar. This little detour sets up the terror that awaits the outlaws and the officers on their trail. (via IMDB)


  • Strange camera shots / angles (push-up cam, oscillating fan cam, etc.)
  • Surf music
  • Bats


“This movie is very low quality” “Doesn’t look that bad to me” “What’s the story?” “Its a fuck movie.  I don’t watch a fuck movie for the story, I watch a fuck movie for the fucking.”

“Luther, what are you doing here?”  “Just dropped in for a quick bite.”

“Asthma my ass!”

“Why do you suppose these vampires are robbing a bank?” “Not sure.  I suppose they need money like everyone else.” (Premise of the whole movie / what the audience is thinking)

Viewer Quotes

“Did you know Alexa speaks Klingon?”

“That’s a hard way to go.” “My Grandmother went the same way.”

What We Learned

  • The second you become a vampire, you know everything about being a vampire and have bought into team vampire 100%.  You hold no grudge agains
  • Eclipses happen unpredictably and last for hours.
  • Vampires sometimes make mountain lion sounds.
  • All vampires completely different, bizarre ways.
  • Vampires can be shot hundreds of times, but stab them once, with anything, and they die.
  • Top 5 stupidest camera shots in this movie:  #5. Telephone Cord Cam  #4. Inside the mouth bite cam #3. Oscillating Fan Cam.  #2. Push Up Cam  #1. Rotating Lock Cam

Final Take

We were shocked to see that Quentin Tarantino had anything to do with this (Executive Producer).  It was clearly a money grab trying to invoke Tarantino dialogue and “unique” camera work to appear more than it is.  95% of the time it was ineffective, and it missed the critical component of Tarantino movies- actually being clever and having a point.  The movie at least acknowledges that vampires have no business robbing a bank, and didn’t try to explain why the first character was turned into a vampire, or why / how he decided to turn his partners into vampires…  But this is bad movie Thursday, and this movie falls slightly above average for entertainment value.  Dumb action and dialogue and not too long- a few funny parts.  3 of 5.

December 2017
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