Archive for September, 2013

20
Sep
13

The Plague

The-Plague-dvd

Viewing Date: 9/19/2013

Plot: All children in the world under the age of 9 go into a catatonic coma for 10 years.  They wake up and begin killing all the adults.  Everybody wins!

Starring: James Van Der Beek

Rules

  • White eyeballs
  • Fear.net ads (we watched this on Comcast on demand)
  • Kids have a seizure
  • You see the “Grapes of Wrath” book
  • Kids steal someone’s soul
  • Meaningful glances
  • Religious idolatry

Quotes

“I don’t have all the answers.  What do you think I am?  A freakin’ newscaster?”

“I’m not built for this shit.”

“Give me the morphine.  Never mind, I’ll…”   Bang.

Viewer Quotes

“Who thinks he is going to commit suicide here?” (he did)

What We Learned

We learned very little, but if anything:

Eventually kids will kill you- they are demonic and will steal your soul.

Younger kids are the creepiest and have the most power.

Kids who have been in a coma for 10 years have no problem with muscle atrophy and are amazingly coordinated and strong.

Final Take

This movie seemed to be missing about 15 critical minutes to explain what was actually going on.  I get the “open to interpretation” thing, but “The Plague” didn’t even give us enough to think we weren’t smart enough to get what the movie was about.  Just poorly put together.  It had a few intense sequences, but it was very light ondialogue and not a great choice for Bad Movie Thursday (note the lack of quotes, decent rules, and ‘things we learned’).  Well, you can’t win them all.

Advertisements
13
Sep
13

Arena

arena_1989_poster_01

Date: 9/12/2013

Starring: Jar Jar Binks, Space Dracula, aliens from the Star Wars cantina

Plot: An intergalactic fighting competition between champions of various worlds has traditionally been won by a species much larger and stronger than humans. Entering the contest, a human finds he has to battle against not just his opponents and his self-doubts, but the corrupt system.

Rules

  • Victory in the arena
  • Rip-off from Star Wars or Star Trek
  • Every time 4 arms has to make use of his weird extra arms.
  • Shorty references some stupid planet
  • “Steve Armstrong”

Quotes

  • “Your crib has been folded.”
  • “Hey what happened?” – “An Earthling, that’s what happened.” <alien frog voice>
  • “It is obvious that no human being can compete.  That’s what’s being proven here tonight.”
  • “Save it for the fans.  No point in giving away what the public will pay for.”
  • “As long as there are Steve Armstrongs out there in the world, there will be contenders!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He hit him with his third arm.”
  • “He’s got his brain showing.”
  • “Look at this guy.  He looks like a garbage pail kid.”
  • “That dude looks like Admiral Akbar on Meth!”
  • “That’s pretty nice gear he’s got on.  Nice sports bra.”
  • “This is just random words and tones thrown together.”
  • “Those two are an item.  They have the grossest sex in the universe.  Dirty, furtive sex.”
  • “That was short, even by montage standards.”

What We Learned

  • Earthlings are terrible fighters in the arena.  There hasn’t been a human champion for 50 years.
  • There are no decent entertainers in space.
  • There are no two of any alien race on the Arena space station.
  • Crystalplex cures blood poison.
  • The space station snack bar owner is the most power man on the station.
  • Future fighting standards in space aren’t that high.
  • Aliens have the most generic english names that stem from their descriptive features.

Final Take: 

06
Sep
13

Ski School (1991)

ski school

Date: 9/5/13

Starring: Dean Cameron

Plot:

Rival ski instructors at a prestigious mountain school compete to save their jobs. The infamous “Section Eight”, a popular group of skiing partiers are up against some rich stiffs whose only thought is beating their arch rivals in the annual spring pageant (From IMDB).

Rules:

Ski jumping – sick air

Drinking

Whistler references

Say “Montana”

Awesome guitar riffs

People saying things at the same time

Crack a beer

Say “Party”

Quotes:

“Level  8?  What is this lawn bowling?  Cmon’!!!.”

“This is not my film, my men are not homosexuals.”

“That Champaign, it looks expensive.”

“Way to make that homo stuff work for us.”

“Ed, it’s not how far you go, it’s how go you far.”

“I’ve lost far too many brain cells to understand that one.”

“Anybody got a problem with that?  …no? …. Then let’s get naked!”

Viewer Quotes:

“The guy from Montana is the dreamiest guy, just like in real life.”

“He really can’t tell that’s a dude?”

“She’s playing twister by herself?”

Things we learned:

It’s totally cool to use a grappling hook to take out fellow skiers on the course.

You can talk to people in their sleep and they’ll do whatever you say.

You can run a ski school, and you don’t even need to teach anybody anything.

If you are ever disqualified from a race, just bring a lot of beer and you’ll get back in.

The best skiers wear neon.

Final thoughts:

It was quite enjoyable.  Very nonsensical late 80’s/early 90’s movie, where it comes to down to some silly ski race to decide who takes the mountain, even though it really doesn’t matter at all.  The person who buys the mountain would have done so either way.  It was a perfect movie for 13 year olds – boobs, ski jumps, and partying.  I greatly look forward to the sequel.  Peyton Manning threw for 7 TD’s tonight, but I’d much rather watch this movie.